ntimapreusser

[ntimapreusser]

i was born on a boisterous ~red-white-and blue~ summer day with many soulmates to one day meet.

a plethora of potentials.

i’ve found a lot of them.

my friends whose arms are my life rafts. my mother. the women who have buoyed me. the babies i have mothered. our cats. japanese katsu curry on a cold night.

you. 

when we found each other ~ kids suspended on land in the middle of the sea ~ i’m not sure we were soulmates, just yet.

my soul barely developed. a whole life not yet lived. 

albeit fragmented, the deepest parts of my inner knowing ~ was sure you wore the eyes

of my one-day-daughters.

because of the desolation within myself, loving you felt emergent. 

as i’ve aged and chipped away at my own spirit ~ the more love i have unearthed for you.  

i have discovered the work of creating a soulmate is stars aligned AND persistent choice.  

written in galaxies AND willed into existence.

growing up made it so. parenting our children made it so. crumbling and rebuilding when it felt like the ashes of us were slipping through our god damn fingers made it so.

—

our therapist told us to begin having conversations with the teenagers we once were. she says we were so young; the pinky promises made, so massive

consequently, there were areas that we skipped over. there were places we missed. there are parts of us that were stopped in time,

stunted/stagnant, 

intimacy rushed through. 

so together, we bring our inner kids to the table each morning for breakfast. we lay out all the pieces before them and ask what we’ve forgotten,

we ask where it hurts.

together, we resurrect our wonder and whimsy. we tell them of sorrow accumulated & our strength & courage to deconstruct.

they’re devastated by the little deaths of themselves they see in us now.

we tell them they are not graves, but alters that we worship.

we bear them our testimony of self compassion. 

i remind her that she can set down the embarrassment she carries for having a cautious timeline, i forgive her for being scared to live

you’ll tell him he will save his own life when he takes medicine for his ancient, foreboding pain

(you win exactly 2 cool points with your sick tats and lego collection)

we lose a few points when we tell them to find God in all the places the church tells them not to look

we promise to service the grief they can’t even bear to notice right now

we lick their wounds

and now hand in hand with the children inside of us — we teach them how to dismantle and they teach us how to sculpt. 

we build bridges over the gaps while we kiss each others foreheads again.

we lace our fingers and look into each others eyes and live without the urgency we inherited as kids.

in our stillness, in our silence,

in our giggly sleepovers and our ~ somehow both stupid and insightful~ kaleidoscope conversation — forging new paths.

being known.

tenderly weeding the Garden of Us.

beginning again.

when the sun warms us in the morning, i vow to find new ways to love you

to hear you,

to see you,

unburied, unhurried

without altering, without expectation.

slowly, i will discover you.

i will savor you.

i will take my time.

i will not demand harvest before I sow. i will keep my eyes upright in gratitude while i gather.

i will witness you, reverently.

i will be unafraid to hold the holy pieces of both of us that we swore we would never be.

i will cherish the way your smile meets your sparkling sea glass eyes as they still find their way

to me

across a room.

i will kneel at the alter

of all of the people we were that carried us here.

our sacred journey.

the years it took, crawling on our knees to finally find the soulmate inside of ourselves

(thank God for our scarred skin)

so we could knit a soulmate in one another

my darling. my love. my eternal summer.

my patient home.

i will sink my teeth into our life together.

i will not hurry through the miracle that is

you and me

being here,

eating breakfast,

sharing a lifetime.

[ntimapreusser]

[ntimapreusser]

[ntimapreusser]

Sufjan Stevens | “Christmas Unicorn”

This song came on Spotify while I was washing pots, Steven was wearing Anabel in the Moby wrap facing outward. He started bobbing up and down while I danced and twirled on the tile in front of her. Her face started burning with elation. Her mouth fell open into a vast gummy smile. Laughs coming straight from the pit of her belly. Over and over again. I love being even just a small source of her joy. And I just don't ever want to forget how happy my heart is at this moment. 

[ntimapreusser]

I feel like I am raising my best friend.

[ntimapreusser]

Ana, the elf.

[ntimapreusser]

And if your daughter came to you, crying with hunger, would you tell her no? Would you tell her she is too fat, she wants too much, she must shrink into society? No. Then why would you tell yourself the exact same thing? You are somebody’s daughter.

Michelle K. (via kelsi-recovers)

I literally have this internal struggle every day of my life.

(via kaitmpayne)

[ntimapreusser]

Life is so different. I am a much sleepier, emotional, weepier, unkempt human being (read: hot mess), but my heart is so happy. I do not know how I lived without her for so long. I said it before, and I'll say it one-hundred times again (because I just don't know how else to put it) - she is everything. 

[ntimapreusser]

in the end i want my heart to be covered in stretch marks

Andrea Gibson  (via ceedling)

[ntimapreusser]

All at once I see the significance in that insignificant high five, that insignificant car ride, that insignificant adolescent first kiss.

The significance in an almost eight pound child draped across my chest. A girl with your golden hair, marble eyes, full eyelashes, and narrow heels. The girl that has my chin - inherited straight from my grandfather, puckered lips, and pointed ears. A baby with my grandmother's name. Miniature and marveling. A being comprised of the very two of us. 

A girl. A beautiful, strong willed, happy, significant twelve-day-old girl.

[ntimapreusser]

Anabel Diane is here.

[ntimapreusser]

I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle. This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you. And I will not be afraid of your scars. I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.

Clementine von Radics, Mouthful of Forevers  (via thatkindofwoman)

[ntimapreusser]

The Shower.

[ntimapreusser]

Playing the waiting game.

We've already got a nearly eight pound baby in there, so I am crossing my fingers she comes soon!(!!!!!)

[ntimapreusser]

I have my legs extended across the majority of our couch, a restless bare belly, tiny feet tap dancing behind my rib cage. The man I love wrapped around my left leg, fast asleep after pressing the tightness out of my puffy ankles. Our home dark and creaking. Mere days away from meeting our daughter.

I am convinced now that my body is carrying all of the love that it can possibly hold, to the very inch-  but I know I will be proven unmistakably wrong the moment my eyes meet hers.