nuances-of-a-bee

[nuances-of-a-bee]

you know how people say you have to romanticize your life at some point para yung mundane days hindi ganoon ka-dragging? i havent really tried doing that kasi feeling ko that's... useless? parang tinatakasan mo lang naman talaga what's in front of you. i grew up thinking that you have to face life head on. sad? ano naman? tired? lahat naman napapagod. angry? lilipas din yan. it's like.. you can't take a break from your life, no escape. because at the end of the day, kung ano yung nangyayari sa life mo, the reality is.. it won't go away no matter how hard you try to ignore it or pretend that everything is the other way around.

but the thing is.. i am slowly learning to love life. i am slowly learning that i dont always have to hold it in. that from time to time, it's okay to give in. the other night kasi, i think this happened a couple of times already, akin asked if i was okay. i went upstairs to cry in the bathroom because i dont like showing him that side of me. im not used to crying in front of other people because dad always said i need to be strong, hindi pwede yung madrama. but that night, when he asked if i was okay, i just started crying. because no one really asks if im okay. if kaya pa ba. so when he asked me that-- iyak na lang nagawa ko. tapos niyakap nya ko and he started patting my head. mind you, i am four years older than him and yet every time he consoles and comforts me, i feel like a child, in a good way.

**hehehe naiiyak ako habang tinatype ko to kasi namimiss ko sya and may sakit ako.

i think he's the reason why im learning how to live life happily... i sometimes tell him na hindi ako masaya, but what he doesnt know is he makes me happy. there are parts in my life that i cant really change. there are certain people who i know will always and forever make me sad.. but not him. never intentionally him.

[nuances-of-a-bee]

[nuances-of-a-bee]

[nuances-of-a-bee]

my weekend was a blur. a happy blur, somehow :)

akin's amah passed away last friday. i know it's something that we shouldn't be happy about. but it was long time coming. i guess what akin's family did yesterday was celebrate her life instead of being sad about her passing.

friday lumuwas na si akin papunta caloocan so i was left alone at home. i swear nakakatakot talaga matulog mag-isa. i slept so late kasi feeling ko may kasama ako sa kwarto.

saturday i spent half the day in class and the other half i was just watching when life gives you tangerines. fucking cried the whole night hahaha. halo halong feelings na lang naramdaman ko. but i think most of it was because i realized how lucky i am to have akin in my life. parang disney princess lang 😂

sunday i went to amah's wake. met akin's relatives on his mother's side and then we went home together! nakatulog na rin ng maayos sa wakas. 😌

we also got royce chocolates pala 😋

[nuances-of-a-bee]

i'm stuck. again.

i cannot remember the last time i felt normal. feeling ko, i'm just going through life without actually living. i'm turning 30 this year pero hindi ko alam kung okay ba ako sa kung ano at meron ako.

whenever i try to reflect on my life, parang okay naman. i have a stable job. i'm on my third year in law school. i have an amazing boyfriend. but the biggest disappointment will always be the one closest to your heart. my family sucks. and this is an understatement.

pakiramdam ko 90% ng problema ko sa buhay masosolve if maayos lang mag-isip magulang namin. my brother is getting married in a few months. i'm happy for him. kung ano man, ako ang pinakamasaya para sakanya. when we were kids, lagi namin sinasabi na sana hindi naghiwalay mga magulang namin, na sana pwedeng hindi lang kami tuwing summer or christmas magkasama. and now, he's creating a family of his own. sobrang malaking bagay sya para sa aming dalawang na lumaki sa napaka-dysfunctional na family. and yet, just two months before his wedding, yung nanay namin ang daming problema sa pera na sa amin pinapasa.. and our dad? hindi ko alam. hindi ko alam saan mag-uumpisa para ilagay dito kung anong problema sa tatay namin.

i'm turning 30 and all i can think of is how stuck i am. alam ko naman, ako lang makaka-ayos nito. but believe me, it's a fucking warzone in my head. may maiisip akong gawin, decided naman ako, pero biglang.. boogsh! wala na yung will. hindi ko alam kung saan napunta. bilib na nga lang din ako sa sarili ko na halos mag two months na akong hindi gumagamit ng vape. yun lang ata nakaka-proud sa sarili ko ngayon.

it's friday today. tatlong araw na akong hindi nagttrabaho. kung ano anong palusot na sinabi ko sa manager ko para lang hindi pumasok sa office. may pasok ako mamaya sa school. pero yung utak ko, sobrang pagod.

sabi ko nga.. i'm stuck, again.