nyxmare

[nyxmare]

I so

i so -

I so

I soisolate

I so

Isolation isolation isolated.

Hide and go seek

I’m outside your house ,

I’m hiding I’m hiding I’m inside the walls in the foundation we laid

it isn’t the same no

Isolation without you ,

just isn’t the same.

Isolation without you no it isn’t the same.

Out of Touch with reality I just float by

watching myself , be watched by their eyes

I want it

It all fades away , it’s not the same anymore it’s just not the same. ,

isolation just isolation just

ISOLATIONJUST isn’t the same .

without you!

WITHOUT U

AINT The same as before

as before , the same as the first time

same songs on repeat

Same shit different day

(I would die for this )

but the songs before you ,

are still the same

And the songs we met to , are still the same

And made loved through

still the same ones we bleed through,bled too

777 till I die

I love the Songs we never knew , and now do. Because of u they’re all the same and never new

the ones I had come to find without you,

without you so

you never knew ,

so void of the smoke of our twin flames

Isolation isn’t the same without you without you.

Stuck in limbo white noise is my primal sirens cry how much of me can even exist without being sewn into you

Untangling your body from

Mine

don’t know if I would even be of me to be alive

say anything

I’m outside your house

I’m inside your walls

hiding in your blind spots eyes

I’m not sure I will

ever get to know who you are again ,

(who are you again? )

you will remember me you know where I reside. The hill I will have long died on , is the mountain we climbed .

[nyxmare]

[nyxmare]

Sue Zhao

[nyxmare]

dissolve into acid and release my soul i dont want to be here i have no control,

dissolve into acid and release my soul i dont want to be here i have no control

my soul has been sold

aye

backseat driver inside my brain screaming commands at the artificial demon left in your wake

just make your demands or get out of my way

your hatred and ill will , i will withstand again and again

boss fight dark nights dark souls

aye

reapers, devil pleasers at the best of times

i fear the mirrors and double lock my doors at night

alright-

paranoia , eating me up inside inside (inside) keep me locked up inside

nose blocked up ,

doors barricaded

keep me from getting out or you getting in- i fear my own life i fear its all lies

nose all blocked up like a dam on the flooding side

dont let me out ,dont let you win dont let it in!

dont let it sink in.pierce the skin

im goin in im out of breath god theres nothing left

just flesh just bones and dirt hit me back so i know that it hurts

so i know that it hurts

rewind my birth , uh undo the hurt aye

dissolve into acid and release my soul i dont want to be here i have no control

i have no control

i have no control my soul has been sold

undo my bones and banish my heart take me back to the ending so i can restart

[nyxmare]

-she bled red and gold

I coughed from the cold and wept

I never saw the face-

Outside I pulled my denim jacket closer to my body.

I pulled out a cigarette- never the pack, the poor will swarm.

Fuck lighters dead.

I got a light from some bum and blew him smokey “thank you.”

I had a bit of a drive to see this new shrink, so i had to get going. I lowered my black shades, despite the lack of UV rays.

I dont like when people can see my eyes, they’re like your souls fire escape or something.

Whatever.

Even though it was only late September- it felt much cooler. I prefer cold air anyways.

I didn’t like to sweat either. It reminds me of dirty gyms and elementery school.

__________________________________________________________________________________

My new thera-pest is blonde and likes Alice in Chains so I can dig it.

I drove back to my apartment and lit like the 50th cigarette of the day as I waited at the red light and watched the people cross infront of me. Then I saw her.

The blonde whore I frequently saw leaving my dads office when I used to intern there.

(Like i’d ever want to work for that fucking yuppie.)

She was wearing cheap leather thigh-high boots, a black wrap dress and a white bomber leather jacket. She was tall and frail, probably from drugs. She was sucking on a thin cigarette and walked with a purpose.

I half considered speeding into her.

The other half considered hiring her just to see what daddy couldn’t get enough of, but then the light turned green and she was gone.

Session notes

-this patient shows strong signs of avoident personality disorder and symptomes assosiated with boarderline P.D further study will be needed to conclude this-

I woke up to my alarm screeching at me like a banshee and it felt like my eyes were super glued shut.

I the foul taste of cheap scotch faintly lingered and I fell asleep with my glasses on again.

I stood up-FUCKTOOFAST

I fell to my knees and grabbed the wastebasket and spilt my guts from last night.

6:08am

Still dark out.

My morning routine consists of at least a 20-minute shower where I condition my hair thoroughly and wash my face with multiple cleansers.

I despise bad skin.

MY APPEARANCE IS CRUCIAL. I must be beautiful and glow in my youth, while i can.

After showering and blowdrying my hair I styled it with 50 bucks a bottle hair serum, but its worth it. Maybe,dont even know if i like the shit.

7:30am

I walked out to my car and lit a cigarette, wincing at the cold as today i was underdressed, I happily got into the driver seat and turned on the radio, David Bowies “Ziggy Stardust” was on and I turned it up.

8:03

Sitting in traffic I inspected my fingernails.

There was dirt and what looked to be…skin? underneath them.

Gross.

I bit them shorter and changed radio stations.

BLONDE WHITE FEMALE FOUND DUMPED ON WALL STREET. POLICE HAVE IDENTIFIED HER AS-

Nothin’ but fucking talking. What’s wrong with this city?

I turned off the radio and lit a cigarette.

My nights seem to be getting more and more violent. I don’t know if it’s the drinking, but i’m having holes in my memory (think, the butterfly effect) and there are chunks I cannot recall no matter how deep I travel into my psyche.

My days are endlessly plain, (one might think of the colour beige) and filled with frustration.

I find myself longing for the night, for the privacy and safety of my apartment, perhaps deep within my closet, cowering at…what?

I dreamt her white bomber jacket was in my trunk.

I dreamt my nails went deep into her arms and neck to stop her struggling.

More and more women are dissapearing, white blonde whores like her.

session notes

this patient is withdrawing from their social activities and deviating from their social expectations. they are showing symptoms of two, violently different personalities.

Sunday night and the streets are quiet. My apartment is empty except for me and whatever else is with me.

In the mirror, I study my REFLECTION*.

My cheeks are sinking into my skull, my teeth are yellowing from the smoke I breathe, dark circles under my eyes, heavy with exhaustion.

But I remain youthful and still, despite everything,

undeniably attractive.

*I find it important to emphasise that I am only studying my REFLECTION in the literal sense of strickly what I see on the glass.

Today I was buying cigarettes and whiskey and the checkoutperson (Doing gods work) was young and blonde.

I wanted the checkoutperson to look at my body.

To study the curve of my hips and waist.

Notice my jawline and my slightly crooked nose and note my eye colour.

I wanted AWE.

I wanted recognition for my WORK.

I began to grow sick of my reflection and I left my apartment without locking the door.

Take what you want New York.

- NEW YORK CONTIUNES TO BE TERRORIZED BY, WHAT THE POLICE SAY LOOKS TO BE THE WORK OF SERIAL KILLINGS. IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ON THESE CRIMES, OR ON THE MISSING PERSONS LISTED NOW: SARAH TOMAS,REBECCA JONES,MARIA DELANGO,AND TRACY CASTWELL, PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOCAL POLICE STATION.-

I’m beginging to wonder if im wasting my time on my thera-pest. She wants me to do all these intelligent insulting tests and never seems to be shocked by what I say.

Doesn’t she know who I AM?

session notes

- this patient is displaying extreme signs of narrsastic personality disorder and the splitting of two very different personality traits and is somewhat alarming-

My nights are almost completely gone from my memory. It is black and haunted and I fear the true reality of myself.

Where are these memories going?

My days are shorter and shorter, always becoming more and more bleak, gray, and emotionless. I move like clockwork, slowly, predictable in my actions.

My life is simply the script of some boring play that that never got published.

Written by some depressed mid 20s student trying to get their BA.

This morning I woke up with bruises on my knuckles and scratch marks on my neck.

I probably punched my wall and scratched my neck in my sleep, i just dont remember.

session notes

-i feel this patient is on the brink of a severe phsyotic break, i must contact further advisment-

IKILLEDHERIKILLEDHERIKILLEDHERIKILLEDTHEMIKILLEDTHEMUIKILLEDTHERI KILLED HER I KILLEDTHEM I KILLED THEM I KILLED HER GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY HUKTL,Y HUILTY GUILTY

GUILTY

GUILTY

I jump at my own shadow and shake all throughout the day. I am quiet and reserved, as to not draw too much attention to myself.

- NEW YORK IS CERTIONALY FACING THE WORKS OF A SERIAL KILLER, SAY POLICE. THEY STRESS TO BLONDE WOMEN, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE ALONE AT NIGHT, AVOID GOING TO DANGEROUS AREAS AND ALWAYS CARRY A WHISTLE OR PEPPER SPRAY-

GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY I KILLER HER I KILLED THEMGUILTY

Epilogue:

Police arrived at the 68th street address given information by Dr. Nida Marshwell, the suspect's psychologist, only to find an empty apartment and this written on the wall:

she bled red and gold

i coughed from the col d and wepT

i never sAW MY FAC E.

i am so rry

[nyxmare]

Story.

spencer

It started out much differently than his story, or hers, but I had to get mine out, i was okay with telling them all, i think. but it didnt really matter, because i had to tell it regardless of who would hear, or listen. (because those are two different things.)

“Well” i started, coughing a bit. I guess i didnt really know where i was going with this, but i had already started talking.  “It wasn’t as if i’ve never gotten high before, i used to smoke weed with my brother back when he was a senior all the time, it wasn’t…it wasn’t as if ive never been fucked out of my mind before, it wasn’t like that. I was using way before this happened…i..i was in my element, i knew what i was doing, and i’ve done this before. But, i’m sure you guys hear this a lot.” I motioned to the group leaders. “I mean, nobody…nobody tries to end up here. I didn’t try to be here, i never saw myself here. i mean, like i said, i was using for years, i thought that if i wasn’t a junkie by now, i’d never be one, you know? I mean, am i a junkie? My aunt would say yes, but i dont know.” I looked down at my feet, sucking on my cheek, tasting my words before they come out. “I guess..I guess what i mean to say is, i didn’t really think this would happen, and i still…..i still don’t want to accept that is has..” I must have stopped talking for a while, because Sarah, the best looking leader, asked if i was finished sharing, and even though i wasn’t, i nodded. Frida, a curly haired redhead went next.

“Well, when i first used, i was in my first year of collage……”

The rest of what she said kind of faded out into the background, and i paid more attention to the budding hole in my canvas sneaker, testing it with my toe.

Phones aren’t allowed during group sharing so i have no reference of time except for the sky outside, and i really hate not knowing what time it is. 

Blake always shares forfuckingever, but he’s almost always last. So when it came to him, i let out a low mental sigh, and squeezed my eyes shut real tight, and hopefully when i open them everyone will be standing to leave.

Michael

I parallel parked to show off for my date, Marci, but she didn’t seem overly impressed. I should have been able to tell that, she’s the type of girl who cares what car her boyfriend drives, but only because all the other girls do, not because she has a real appreciation for anything. Unless the other girls do. But she was hot, and my buddy Brian dated her in highschool and she let him fuck her without a condom on, so we’re going out. (Dinner.) 

 We got out of the car to go into the restaurant and i got to check her out, she looked great, in a a tight white t tank top and a black skirt that really showed off her waist. Her dirty blonde hair was pilled up into a big bun on the top of her head, and she had on bright bubblegum pink lipstick. I let her pick the place in hopes of getting on her good (even better?) side, she chose some thai place i’ve never heard of. 

We were seated at a good spot, decent lighting and by the window. 

I don’t care about this date, i thought to myself as i pulled her chair out for her, Checking out her ass as she sat down. I just want to fuck her, and i have to pretend like i care about her and what ever she has to say for at least 2 hours. I was looking at my menu but not really looking at it, i was thinking about undressing her, kissing her neck, taking her breasts into my hands, pinching her perky nipples.

“So do you know what you want?” 

“What?” i forgot we were even here.

“Do you know what you want?”

“Oh. I dont know, i’m thinking of the curry fried veal.”

“No, you CANNOT get that. Veal is SO cruel.” She whined.

She probably didn’t even know what veal was until her food economics class. But i figured if i wanted to sleep with this girl, i should act like she’s right.

“Oh. You’re right. Maybe the vegetable dish.” I sighed, but this time aloud.

Suri

I woke up to my roommate talking loudly on the phone. I rolled over and checked my cell phone, which read  “8:20. Alarm Silenced. And (3) Missed Messages.” I closed my eyes tight and pulled the beige duvet over my head and ears. Class starts at 8:30 anyways. 

10:05

My phone rings. 

“Hello?” I mumbled.

“Suri? Are you coming to class?”

“Who is this?” I slurred.

“What? It’s David! Suri where are you? You missed the lecture on The Book of Dreams today.”

Ah, David. My sometimesboyfriend sometimesdrugdealer (provider?) 

David is in my Art History class. We sit next to each other. David, who smokes menthol cigarettes in the winter, and listens to indie rock on vinyl even though it sounds better on an iPod. 

“Oh. Uhh. I guess i slept in.” 

“You know your mom would be pissed Suri.”

Despite being somewhat of a drug addict, David is very smart. And also smart enough to go to school. He knows he’s talented, and i resent him for that, because it is so, so much unlike me.

“Right. I just don’t feel up to it today.” 

“Whatever. Want me to come by later? I got some great new- well, you’ll see.”

“Sure, i don’t care.”  Even though, i really would want him to come by today, i could use his many services.

“Geez Suri you’re so into me. Anyways i have to go. Sculpting. I’ll see you tonight.”

He hung up. 

I dropped my phone on the empty side of the bed and decided right now would be a good time for a cigarette. 

Spencer

I arrived at Flamingo kind of early. 10:20. Most people don’t start arriving until 11. But that’s fine, now would be a good time to get drunk before trying to score. I sucked on several cigarettes before entering the bar and (quite aggressively) ordered a whiskey on the rocks. 

I stood at the back, not too close to the washrooms, but far enough back that i can see everyone who enters, and leaves.  

11:04

A group of frat faggots entered and i checked them out as they walked past me. Nice and athletic, with typical crew cut hair. Strong, muscles flexed at the hardbody barmaid. The best looking one in a yellow sweater, ordered a G&T. The rest of them (as expected) ordered PBR’s. 

I stood there, watching them get drunk and make passes at the girls who passed them by.  At 12 Yellow sweater had already left with a girl i’d never seen before, so i’ll assume she was a townie. 

I had already gone through 4 whiskeys before realizing that i, really needed to get laid.

Drunk enough to come across as confident but not make an ass of myself, i looked around the room. Everyone in groups of 3 or 4, some girls groups of two, but those are the worst. I need somebody on their own, like me, coming here to get fucked by some lucky bar boy. I didn’t want to waste any time. It was getting late and by 1:30 things will start clearing out. I didn’t want to talk to possible candidates, i wanted to find the one i wanted, and i would take them home with me. All these girls are sluts. Totally not my type. Black tight dresses, blonde hair teased, and glitter on their eyes. Flamingo girls tend to be like that. But the boys, the boys are much nicer. 

And out of the corner of my eye i saw him looking at me. He too, was alone, standing in the shadows, drinking a (scotch i believe.) He was wearing slim fitting black jeans, and a simple gray t’shirt. His hair was the shade of deep chocolate brown eyes, and despite the truth being we know he spent at least 30 minutes on himself, he looked like he just didn’t care. I was tempted to sit back and watch his movements, study him, but i needed to see more of him, now. 

I walked up to the part of the bar where he was standing. And ordered two whiskeys. Without saying anything, i pushed him the drink. He smiled and drank it all down with an   exaggerated sigh. His face was fully lit now where i was standing, and he was beautiful. His eyes were a much lighter blue than i expected, and he had light, scruffy facial hair above his lip and cheeks, but very not much. He looked young, 18 (fake ID?) or 20 at the most.  I must have been staring for too long, because my thoughts were interrupted by his voice.

“Well aren’t you going to ask me my name?” He smirked playfully.

I was going to have fun with this one.

I wanted to tell him I wasn’t into pretending i wanted a conversation, and i wanted to  ask him to come home with me, but instead, i smiled back, and asked him if he wanted to get high.

He didn’t say anything, he just laughed, finished his original drink and grabbed his jacket on the bar stool that i did not notice, and started walking to the door.  

Once outside, he lit a Marlboro red. Put the pack back into his jacket, but he could sense my eyes on it, and pulled it back out, offering me one. 

“Thanks.” I said as i dug for my lighter.

“Well you’re welcome mystery man. So where are we going?”

I was so horny. 

“My place.” I said monotonously. 

He smiled, a sexy, mischievous smile. 

“You’re the boss.” 

And tonight, I certainly was. 

Michael 

Dinner went as expected, i laughed at her jokes, she laughed at mine, i pretended to feel sorry for her when she told me about her dog dying, and fed her some bullshit story about my grandma being sick. Things were going well. We pulled into my driveway, (my roommates were out at Flamingo and wouldn’t be home until 2 or 3.

I wanted to get high and fuck her, but i knew this chick was straight, so i offered her a glass of wine instead. She sat on my couch, legs crossed, as i poured her glass i studied her. She was quite beautiful for being so dull. Soft, small facial features, and light brown eyes. Her neck was long, i wanted to bite it. 

I sat next to her wondering how long before i would have her hair in my hands. 

I put my hand on her lower thigh, right above the knee, and rubbed it gently, reassuringly, i wanted to make her feel comfortable, of course. She looked at me and smiled, and i leaned into her and kissed her, softly, testing her reaction. She opened her  mouth slightly and kissed me back. I moved my hand further up her thigh, rubbing and caressing, then a few moments later moving it further and further up until i was right at her inner thigh, and i could feel the heat coming off of her cunt. I put my hand over my panties and heard her let out a little gasp into my mouth. We began to pull off clothes, but we were still on the couch, so i scooped her up in my arms and carried her off to my bedroom. I placed her gently on the bed, and while still standing, took off my shirt to expose my sculpted chest and stomach. She crawled towards me, and began to undo my belt. But i stopped her, i wanted to get a good look at her body first so i pulled off her clothes. She was naked except for her panties and  i got onto the bed with her, and touched her legs all the way from her ankles to her ass,kissed her neck and her breasts and flicked my tongue around her nipples, hearing her moan and her muscles tighten, knowing that she wanted me, made me hornier than ever. I stopped kissing her and moved her hands to my crotch, as my pants were still on, and they really needed to come off.  She started to suck my dick, she gave okay head, but i didn’t have her here for that. I pulled out from her throat and pushed her onto the bed, pinning her arms behind her head, and rubbed her pussy through her panties, feeling her wetness seep through onto my fingers. i wanted her. I pulled her panties aside, and started to finger her with my middle finger, and rubbing her clit with my thumb. She was moaning like crazy and i didn’t want her to cum from my fingers. My dick ached, i needed her. I yearned for her. This must be what love feels like. I pushed the head of my cock into her, she gasped and her nails dug into my back. i INCHED my way into her, slowly going in and out. She was so tight i thought i was going to cum if i went too fast. But i had to, i started pounding her, i mean REALLY fucking her, every muscle tense and i grunted and yanked her hair. She felt so good, so fucking good and i forgot i wasn’t wearing a condom and i came inside of her and it was beautiful. But seconds after dread pooled over me. 

“Did you just cum inside of me?”

“Uh yeah why?” 

“YOU IDIOT I’M NOT ON BIRTH CONTROL.” 

She literally started crying, and rolled over onto her side and curled up into the fetal position.

“Then why didn’t i have to wear a condom?”

“Because i thought you wouldn’t be dumb enough to actually cum inside!” She was freaking out. Breathing really fast and she kept saying “oh my god what am i going to do” over and over.

I told her she had to leave because my roommates would be home soon. She was still pretty shaken up, and i almost wanted to give her a ride home, but instead i called her a cab. She called me “a heartless asshole” and left. 

I almost felt bad, and i was kind of worried, but she’d probably just get an abortion anyways. 

I got high in the shower and went to bed. I slept like a baby. 

Suri

David said he’d come over tonight, and it was nearing 11 o’clock and if that isn’t tonight then I don’t know what is. I refuse to call him, i refuse to ask him why he wasn’t here. I refuse to do anything of the sort. But he was my only supply, and the sex isn’t half bad. And despite me being such a shitty human being he seemed to really care for me. 

11:30 there was a knock on my door. 

I didn’t get up to answer it. I remained seated in my bed. 

“Yo Suri? You in? It’s me.” 

I knew it was him, i wasn’t waiting because i wasn’t sure who it was, i was waiting because i wanted to make him wait. 

Another knock followed by “Suri are you okay?”

He probably thinks i offed myself.

“Coming!” 

I put on a Daft Punk album and opened the door. 

“Hey babe” He pulled me into his arms and kissed my forehead. 

I just wanted to get high.

Shutting the door behind him, i asked, “So what do you have?” 

[nyxmare]

spend all fucking day

frozen solid

fish scale

iced out

brick of cocaine

paranoia?

like im on one?

yeah maybe

but im really not ok

heartrate amped up,

just before the drop! like

im so amped up

but the engine is stalling

words start forming

and im preforming without thinking anymore.

jumpercables!

kick start my brain

everyday is so lame.

watched myself, die

like

four hundred times already okay?

okay!

i have nothing to really

say ..

nothing to say !

but why dont you say,

something

to get my fucking voices stirring my engine running

no thats not a double entandre but there are fucking two of me

there are fucking two of me

so where am i?

im seeing double

i think i think

uhhh glasses foggy

vision stay fucky

staring at shadows too brightly

sun hurts my eyes

to much to shine

on me.

i dont wanna go outside

i dont wanna be yours now ok

i wanna be mines

all the time

went off like a landmine

where the fuck am i?

stop talking to me

stop talking to me!

ditto

like yeah run that shit back ima fuck it up twice.

oh u talking abt my life?

thats nice i bought a new knife

rife with the sickness that only anxiety attacks with

isolation destroys with

finish me off

i hate

clinging to life like this

on this cliff

get it? its a cliff hanger but not really

hang me up in the closest?

for my eyes to find

with a noose-

not now

then ,maybe

ill talk about it later

(later doesnt exist)

the days take shape into one giant fucking face

and laugh

thunder claps

i laugh back

[nyxmare]

Voices in my headVoices in my head

(hey Nova)

(Everbody's looking at me)

And I do what they says

Voices in my head

Voices in my head (out out out)

But I don't think they're my friends.

Voices in my headVoices in my headVoices in my head

"Hey! I know that you can hear this-

Everybody's looking and they think that you're weird bitch

You can medicate me but I'll stay here in the shadows!!!!!!”

Why you putting numbers in my head?

"I live under your bed"

No wonder I'm on meds.

"Nova Nova Nova! This shit is fucking boring!"

Shut the fuck up!

Can't you see that I'm recording?

[nyxmare]

i keep to myself alot.

ive become accustomed to

drugs and not knowing trust

im sorry im so vulnerable im sorry im too strong to say how much i fear the worst

gave so much blood in my heart to keep everyone else alive i was dying the whole time

all ive ever known was “fuck bitches get money”

i laughed along but i didnt reslly everr think that was funny.

do you reslly feel me? do you reslly know? i see your halo glow.

nothing is a show.

build a home inside me lets plant a garden to grow.

undercover angels dont exist and everynight u exist inside my room

i dont want to feel impending doom i dont want to be anyone but

for you

and i have so much sadness im forever mad

never placid

my heart beat is irregular

i just need your arms on me on me on me and not -

its all a blur. its hazy.

am i the face you seek to see?

in the fog and smog

breathing in the city

ive survived a lot but take my hand please im

lost

id blinding follow you whevere you lead

just dont lead me to be deceived

i have lost myself again

for you its easy and idont always know exactly what to do

im clumsy

im fragile im soft but i stiffen

did you not hear that -listen.

listen to the silence i wake up from a dream

afraid you won’t be be beside me

i slow down my breathing

i hear your gentle sighs without even opening my eyes my body finds your lips

muscle memory

every part of you i need

retracing your face with my fingertips inside my head

its cold in my bed

its cold sometimes

am i yours? are you mine?

do you have the time?

to let me be here

to let me die

sometimes it hurts.

sometimes i want to scream into the sky.

im angry a lot.

im fucked up a lot

i hate myself and yet here you are

but the click is ticking static starts building-

i dont know who she is

i dont know who i am

you cant let me drown

turn around to face me

i hide tears like im

sorry

for feeling

i dont think i have any meaning

my compass is broken

i dont know where im going

im imploding

just want to be alone

alone with you does that make sense?

does that make sense?

my first abusier had to m me didnt it?

so i could never

had my prefrontal cortex stuck in a vorext

wait stop don’t disassociate

just yet

just yet




i still fear the mirror x2

hated having to look myself in the eyes

n see the truth

there’s nothing but pain x2

but its not born from vanity

insanity what more could you demand of me?

i just wwant tk ve the knky

hate things coming too closeg to me get away from 


paranoia \sticks like the gun to my hip

ptsd got a bag just for loaded clips, magazines


remember the fear x2

remember the hands i couldn’t pry off

me

how dare i cry x?

how dare u lie

I PANICED EMBARRESSED

SO i pRAYED TO A GOD that even my childhood didn’t really believe in 


remember girls were meant to be soft/

thts what’s you said anyways 
 like i was just a pillow in bed not a human begin/ and ur not wrong
you’re only herE

for the same reason

same song

every breakup song i write sounds the same

because you’re all the same name same face same GAME, SAME.

- taste me instead i willl possess your body like a like a

sucCUB-…..SUCH A CLICHE \MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL

manic PIXIEEEEE DREAMMMMMM GIRL I OWN MY OWN WORLD.

Wild, naked, her tongue uncurled — feral image of force, bursting sheer power.

and she’s a god with skin so transparent it appears blue

nyx is the mother of the night- angel of death? no, she protects

as we cry]

ourselves to sleep at night

darkness and light

offspring of chaos like all mankind be/….

ur ONLY AZ STRONG AS UR WEAKEST LINK is\ BUT WHAT IF

the weakest link is AN ARTIST U JUST don’t agree with


but fuck you I’m not the same

MANIC PIXIE DREAM

NYX

 personification of the night

the daughter of Chaos.

USED TO QUESTION IF I WAS born at the wrong time

FELT LIKE I WAS BORN JUST TO BE DESTRUCTIVE

but with so much love to give

born out of the void,

the personification of the deep darkness and shadows.

 the brother of (earth), the underworld loves me, the abyss does too just don’t let it look back into you

carried in the womb of kali and nyx

—the mother of all power—without being reduced to the role of a housewife

you said i reminded u of eve , 
dude eat the fruit of knowledge and lets fucking leave 
the can’t be tamed one, 
not even appealing just getting pitiful and sad to watch
family stopped calling
wouldn’t want the answers anyways
i hate to lie but the truth is unbearable too often
voices in Smy head please stop them 
drown them out with a rifle 
im my fathers child 
runs in the family
brain matter paints the walls
all that’s left of me r

[nyxmare]

cant really tell if they are

chanting

laughing

clapping

or booing at me

im on stage and im watching myself

dont even know if ..

am i even singing the right song?

why am i so embarrassed

i didnt do anything

no,

i do everything !

wrong

i thought, i was prepapared for this

i have it in my notes

i trained my whole life for this moment

rifle loaded.

ready to go.

ready to go

im ready to fucking go please listen to me

im ready to leave-

i need to leave,

please just stop looking at me

[nyxmare]

what have i BECOME I GO STIPID I GO DUM FUCK A BITCH SUPRISE HER ASS W MY THUMB I GO STUPID I GO DIMB PILLS ON MY TOUNGE drugs in my body I’m naughty And I’m naughty nuff Shits about to get rough I’m chasin a high like I’m chasin a bitch through the scope No hope Tatted on my eyelids No hope left for me I’m just the fucked up gay cousin in the fanily Drugs in my body Pills on my tongue I go stupid I go dumb Decomposing body in my bathtub We go stupid we go dumb Murder in the 1st degree no plea deals just bitch I might be .... Guilty as shit but I have to make a joke of it Everything’s hilarious Bitch don’t stare at us (mex2) You have no idea what I’m capable and willing to do Drugs in my body and pills on my tongue I go stupid I go real dumb stupid I go dumb stupid I go dumb Fuck what they say anyway You a rat you gun always stay that way In the gutter And ima gut her We go hard in the paint We all fucking artists with a vision now it’s a breathing entity All my paintings have a heartbeat All my songs have a soul the devil made an offer but i never had it sold. All my paintings have a heartbeat All my songs have a soul

[nyxmare]

It’s a dangerous game

But we just can’t stay away

So Place your bets

Russian roulette

But only I know

what’s gunna come next

Empty the chamber I can’t contain her

Bullets eject , devils rejects,

Feel little regret

Mostly unvexed

I’ve been told revenge is best served cold

But not even that warms my soul

Only scar tissue fills the hole

reduced to an object

I still seek out enjoyment

I’m the epitome of a disappointment

My failure is poignant

Life remains pointless

I think I’m in shock

Doors always locked

Can’t look at the mirror

I fear who stares back

Don’t know for sure if it even exists

the shattered glass wont slice when I plunge deep at my wrists

The well of my blood has well been drained.

I wish I could destroy you with only my fear and pain

the screams of fear you heard

I was but a flightless bird

You watch me suffer in the theatre of absurd

Yet plead innocence

Like I haven’t seen the depths Of your human psyche

go to hell, you’ll be just like me.

like Lucifer I too was gods favourite

Now I’m just Haunted by ghosts and constantly vacent

I don’t look

Afraid to see what’s been taken

Hate to admit it

But there is no reperations.

No forgiveness. Your sin I must live with.

[nyxmare]

i dont like shit i dont go outside

sweatshirt

heavy like this air this anxiety is eating me fucking alive

maggots in my brain and my stomach hurts so i always complain

but its just the withdrawls like how the bugs crawl in my skin

since when is feeling good such a fucking sin

yeah drugs are bad but they always win

in the womb i ate my twin

pay attention to ME

i scream from my bloody knees

60 dollars and i'll show you how i blow it

and thats what i really mean i've blown it

it hurts dont it?

taking yourself for granted,

just ask for me and i'll show you how.

i'll let you take it off

but it's gunna cost you

im getting off

i'll stalk you

your plate wont leave my head i know it starts with a 6 and ends

with a zed

ends with dread.

girlfriend experience more like a bitch who dont put out or let ya cum in her mouth so whats all that hype about?

and i cant be the only one here with doubts,

i do it for the money, laugh cus its funny sickly sweet

like warm honey

and.decomposing.bodies

blood dripping down my face what a waste of space you are fumbling with

the keys to your car,

you're too drunk to drive so let me take it from here alright?

[nyxmare]

Constantly checking my corners

cause im pouring out my heart like formaldehyde at the coroners.

Punch a wall Till my first red and she say she just wanna go to bed?

Well fuck that all i wanted was some head

but now yours is in my Freezer

behind the gourmet sorbet Bateman gives with the drugged Chardonnay.

Nod off To the same beat that kept my high going.

See me on my way to school - Ask me:

Hi hows it going?

 

And ill say Downhill since you left My side.

[nyxmare]

no one heard the creaking creeping sneaking up

behind my back

depeessiom tends to do that

hears the screaming

No one hears the decreasing of my breathing

no one sees blood pool on the floor,

blood that never had any meaning

i embody Anxious paranoia ,

sleep deprived mania,

i don’t recognize my face.

we are screaming inside my head at but they all have my voice-wailing pleading and yet blaming

me

i have no mouth but i must scream

staring at the void too afraid to blink

paranoia thinks the void is judging me

anxiety will attack, when the Anxiety attacks.

i already apologize on behalf of ...me

but i dint always have control of the wheel even though im in the drivers seat

i didn’t invite them to this party. the one who says they know me but thats not me. i hate so much

i hate hatred

i love so deeply i dive where its too shallow

the self hatred is outdated.

self pity is not courageous.

empathic

-its just illlogical

yet im lacking empathy its only logical

walking contradiction

i gaslight myself

i lit my own fuse

gun powder residue on my hands and blood on the soul

of.my shoes.

I got my gun cus my mind hates me

while symotaniously thanks me

im a ruthless fuck and I know i fight

dirty

so I feel safer packing heat even though bullets wouldnt purge me .

bulletproof and a succubus.

i blame myself for fucking me up.

i thought i stole my own soul ,

or at least gave it away, like so many times i have been fooled I blamed it on myself but no it was you

IT WAS YOU!

smashed another mirror

maybe I need a better grip on myself and reality

maybe i need another handgun to keep me company

I don’t even really know what I look like anymore

I’m so confused and I don’t know what direction im facing

I’m tripping on my own feet

so how can i turn myself around?

Time.

time won’t stop for me i hear screaming in my ear and I’ll keep on growing up and that thought makes me wanna fucking throw up

I wanna be a kid forever

scared of losing innocence but thats been gone for as long as i can remember

but i cant remember why

I’m high most of the time just to get though the day

i cant risk another suppressed memory

coming to the surface

i dont want pity blame or shame i don’t deserve this

My self persecution is my shadow creeping up on me whenever I might have the small chance to feel at peace she brings a gun to a knife fight she wont fucking leave and she lies but she’s the only thing keeping me alive

dont know whos the host or the parasite

[nyxmare]

my hair is so dry and my bones are too

my joints weigh down with anxiety or dampness from the low air pressure, rubbing together with every tug of a muscle, friction and sparks from my churning movements

maybe its just somatic complaints,

damp leaves that wont light, my tongue is a tumbleweed with thistles

it makes it hard to bite down, with rose thorns for teeth

like a shark swimming with its mouth open,

it will slice it's own gums apart

but thats not how i self mutilate,

though it cuts deep to keep my mouth shut, it's wired, it's sewn with metal thread, solitary confinement for a jungle mind,

dry hair and an even drier pillow, dry cheeks but my soul is a weeping willow.

[nyxmare]

https://youtu.be/mtD2BKXKKxI

“be noble. be true. but be aware, for always, in the sunlight basking, there is a shadow

the shadow of fear, of danger, of the known unknown, and knowing the unknown. many do not notice the darkness of the shadow slowly dimming the light, such as we do not see the moon until the sun has set, and the reflection of the sun illuminates the moon. dense darkness illuminated by the sharp noir contrast of the moonlight. be noble. be aware. the shadow you fear most, may simply be your own. illuminated at all angles such as walking under streetlights. behind you it grows and grows as you run, until finally you find comfort in the light. a new day. a new dawn. a new light.

only to see the dreaded shadow oozing out from your feet as you get closer to the light - and you must keep going. be noble and enjoy the peace in the light. but be aware a shadow IS growing. the light is dimming. just as it has always done. there is nothing to fear but fear itself. but fear itself. your own shadow is the fear. your own shadow. burned forever into the pavement of the streets you cannot walk on. for i wonder if the moon , the noble moon..fears the shadow cast upon it?

a crescent moon is a beautiful sight to behold. illuminated by the light. it will always remain”