obiterdictaaa

[obiterdictaaa]

First after a while

It's been a while since I posted. It meant that I was in a better place. I was meeting friends, trying to get back on my feet, and refocusing. That's what I thought. But now, I feel more and more frustrated.

I'm really tired. I haven't studied properly this whole week. It's the Oath Taking and Roll Signing Ceremonies tomorrow. It makes me think of what ifs - what if I passed? what if I didn't lack a few decimals? I should be there. I know I deserve to be there.

I know it's God's plan, but heck. My inner fighter is exhausted (which is an understatement). I've dedicated this whole year to waiting, repeating, and waiting again, only to find out that I did not make it again for the second time. Two heartbreaks in one year. It's more than what my mental health could handle. It sucks. Yes, I am happy for my friends because they made it. But when will I ever be happy for myself? When will I ever clap for myself? When will it be my turn to celebrate me?

I'm tired, but I'm not giving up. Claiming that 2024 will be my year.

[obiterdictaaa]

It has been four days.

Four days since the heartbreak. I believe I'm starting to open up more to the people here at home by starting small talk. I'm still in the process of understanding all that has happened.

I'm also comforting my friends who, like me, didn't make it. Honestly, it's hard finding words that may comfort them and there is no template advice because all of them are feeling different things.

My only prayer is that all of us would be okay. In time.

[obiterdictaaa]

Coping

It's been two days since the heartbreak. Am I okay? Getting there. I have to admit, it still hurts. It's part of the process, so I should just accept it.

I've been coping in different ways - scrolling through Reddit, watching Young Sheldon, sleeping, crying at random times. I also set up this account for me to dump my feelings. I do not plan to share this to anyone until I become a lawyer. I just want to keep things to myself first.

I just hope this makes me sane. I really do not plan to think about the Bar exams until January 2024. What's important for me is that I heal from the pain I experienced this year and reflect on everything. Another lesson learned, but like what one of my professors said: "Extraordinary achievements do not come without extraordinary challenges." I know that one day, I will be a testimony of success. I know I am destined to become a lawyer, that's why I will not quit.

[obiterdictaaa]

December 5th, 2023 - the day my world shattered...again

I took the Philippine Bar Exam last September 2023 after finding out that I did not pass the November 2022 exam. I was ready to face this new chapter. I had a new mindset, changed my study habits and kept old ones that helped, and had a more positive aura.

I prayed every time I could, pleading to God that I may finally get the ATTY. title before my name. I was not nervous at all because I know God will guide me. I studied with friends, didn't lock myself in my room unlike last time. I went with the flow, just had fun and enjoyed the process of starting over again.

Days leading up to the release of the results, I started feeling anxious at random times. I would pray to God to help me clear my mind of negative thoughts and my heart of negative feelings. I wanted to take my mind off December 5th, so I booked a piercing appointment so that I won't have to think about things too much.

Yesterday, December 5th, I went about my day. Got dressed, went to church to pray, and went to my piercing appointment. I was done with the appointment and was supposed to go to the nearby mall when I opened YouTube because the results would be livestreamed there. I waited for my name, and after 10 or so minutes of waiting I didn't see it. My heart shattered again. So, I went straight home. My grandmother opened the door for me and I cried hard. I was sad and frustrated at the same time that I started to question everything. Why does this have to happen to me? Don't I deserve to be an attorney? So, my day didn't go as planned. I did not become an attorney this year. I didn't know how to start again or if I wanted to even continue.

I was frustrated because I kept asking myself where I went wrong this time when I did everything I could. This morning, I checked out my Bar exam grade. I was short of 0.3xxx (you need 75% and above to pass). It hurts, but I was happy. I was so close to passing, which means I just have to push more. The passion is still with me, I just need more grit.

Lady Gaga sang, "I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away, but baby I just need one good one to stay." I think this is that one good one.

One more fight. I was born for this path, so I will fight my way through it.