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Evening Mood by William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1882)

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'CURSES OF THE HEART" 🩸

Art By: @xis.lanyx

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La Nuit (before 1937)

— by Auguste Raynaud

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La Femme Chauve-Souris (The Bat-Woman) 1890

— by Albert Joseph Penot

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Alex Stoddard

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― Ivan Turgenev, Fathers and Sons (translated by George Reavy)

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Circe Invidiosa (Red edit), 1892 - oil on canvas — John William Waterhouse (English, 1849-1917)

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Sam Guay

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Wounds of the Earth

— by xis.lanyx

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A Nixie in the Well frightens an old woman' by R. M. Euchler, (1872-1947)

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Bull in the Alps, 1884 by Eugène Burnand (Swiss, 1850--1921)

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Samuel Araya, ‘Death and the Labyrinth’, 2016 Source

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conflicted//afflicted

I keep trying to write out my feelings and thoughts in a dumb hidden (red flag oop) diary app bullshit but it keeps crashing... It's almost kind of cathartic in a way though, like almost therapeutic.. to write it all out, the feeling; the literal feeling of the keyboard buttons is what really does it for me I guess. Writing doesn't have that "umph!" i'm trying to achieve but these damn buttons... hot dog! I love to press these buttons and how they sound when I do. Anyhow, that part is physically therapeutic but it's also really nice to write it all out and then "poof!" gone (even though the app crashing is super annoying and sometimes brings a rage out of me that I thought I had once lost). It's great because I have always had anxieties around keeping written proof of the inner workings of my mind, sometimes for fear of someone else finding and reading my private thoughts and judging me. Other times the fear is of me judging myself and feeling embarrassment for these past feelings.

This fear is now a reality though.

I never had parents that would riffle through my things to get a better understanding of me, that was some tv movie shit. The fear is inherent because it's exactly what I would do to another, snoop to better understand. "Curiosity killed the cat" is basically my unspoken mantra, I wouldn't know how to mind my own business if I tried to... so I fear for my privacy. The fear of being monitored is my new baseline for reality as I had a relational slip up and am now on the thinnest of ice... I made the mistake of showing others who are not my significant other my body and entrusting in them with creative projects which could be seen as intimate (poems, songs creations) and humoring another relationship. On one hand I understand the betrayal that could (did) ensue of sharing intimate parts of oneself with others not in the immediate romantic relationship but I am still unfortunately operating with a mindset geared towards polyamory. I was functioning so well before this monogamous relationship. I treated my friends so well. I operated on a system where I was considering them (small scale in my head as well as generally treating them as I would enjoy to be treated) both platonically and romantically. Though the interactions could get confusing at times I was learning, growing, and seemingly happier. My communication skills were flourishing. I was never afraid to bring anything up no matter how off putting and never afraid to get an answer from my lovely loving friends.

I had so much love in my life and so much support that is missing now as I occupy most of my time hanging out with, working with, or placating my boyfriend so that I can be trusted. I feel as if I have betrayed huge parts of myself I have only really just begun to discover. There are these old lost parts of myself that no longer feel like they have a home within me. I want to make the bed up and invite them back in but it just seems like too much has gone on between who I was and who I am. It seems so dramatic when I write it out but these are the thoughts that swirl around my head and plague me. There are so many things I miss. I miss feeling secure in my decision making. I am being second guessed a lot and it's been messing with the confidence and self assurance I've worked really hard to build up through out the years. I miss not being questioned when I go out and when I come back, I was never raised like that so it seems really out of place and parental almost. I do not like having to answer to anybody in my personal life as most of the world is built so you have to answer to someone, even spiritually so it's really tiring. I miss wearing my clothes and not worrying if someone will be mad, I finally like my body and do not mind showing it off a bit. There are things that feel fundamental to my being that I am expected to ignore or mend for him and I'm not sure its worth the mental toll its been taking. I am so friendly and have such a large capacity for love in all forms, but I feel so closed off from that part of myself. I've been ignoring that more curious, approachable part of myself so I can make him feel safer and more secure in this sham of a relationship. {That was rude, it's not a sham I really do love him I just don't know if I really like myself now that I'm always with him. That's a thought that keeps popping in my head. I don't know if I like who I am when I'm with him... but I really like him.}

He says things like "do you not see the position you're putting yourself in?" or "how do you think someone's going to react" when I wear risque things or want to go to places I have frequented safely before with friends (and even solo) (punk shows, rap shows, local music and art things) It makes me feel so small and dumb. I have gotten by this far by myself and sure as fuck without "an adult" or my parents to hold my hand and make sure it's safe. I sure as fuck don't need the man I'm fucking bugging out about a function he wont even go to. UGH i'm getting amped up again and I can feel the cortisol levels rising along with my blood pressure. I respect him but it's hard to feel equal respect when you came from completely different planes of thinking.

I can't keep feeling punished. It's no way to operate.

I am so angry at myself but also you for how restrictive it can get.

I'm beginning to hate myself so much more for what I did but now I'm starting to resent you for never letting it go. for never letting it breathe. I spend a majority of my days with you and it's still not enough. I don't know what will be.

Last night I was finally honest about how I felt in our relationship for once. I said "I spend every day with you and I still feel like shit" We almost got there to the breaking point I think. Maybe I should have let it happen. Yes, there were fears of next steps and where to go and how to pick up the pieces but my heart ached. How fucking dumb is that, I was almost out and all done and then my stupid fucking heart said wait no we love him, we can have a future with him. I think of things like homemaking and babies and the shining sun and leaves blowing in the wind. It's fucking weird. Just last year I wanted a boyfriend and a girlfriend and to be a token aunty and live in a big village. I feel like someone entirely different and it scares me.

I hate that he thinks a half truth is a lie. halftruth: I love you fulltruth: I love you very much but It eats away at the love I have for myself, I lose respect for myself the more I love you and try to please you. It sickens me how weak I have gotten.

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The Bells and other Poems by Edgar Allan Poe illustrated by Edmund Dulac

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I have decided, yet again; that I will be re-dedicating myself to my craft and spirituality. I have been furiously consuming audiobooks on Reiki and Santa Muerte as of recently and I don’t think it is just a new hyperfixation. It feels like a pull. I am so drawn toward energy work and death and that has been a theme I have picked up on recently as well as constantly. 

These practices are built on mindful worship and consistent dedication, which are two things I have had trouble with constantly throughout my life, so this is quite the jarring revelation. I have this feeling in my being that I am drawn to this type of worship because I am in need of strength in these two instances. I could benefit from really working to build a relationship with my deities as this is something that excites me but I am aware I fall short once the excitement fades. The self motivational part of my work is something I am very aware I need to work on in order to better show up for those I am believing in. Commitment is a big word that has scared me for a long time. It feels like an anchor, but not in the positive sense. For so long the idea of commitment struck fear within me as I know I can be impulsive and it felt like a weight holding me down. It didn't make me feel free, more so trapped, that could be from youngster trauma from witnessing so many “monogamous” or committed relationships perish against the tests of time, stagnancy and simple annoyance. Even so, I have held this belief that commitment means the end of freedom and independence and I would like to release it. I no longer want to fear being committed to a practice or person, I no longer want that fear and apprehension within me. I want to shed the idea that commitment is some kind of curse, a restriction on my desires. It is not. Commitment can bring a new sense of awareness and attention to not only yourself but something bigger than you. 

I will work hard at honing in on the skills or ideas that scare me and I shy away from. I want to put these older beliefs under a proverbial microscope and really work out why I have such aversions to things that could fully transform me. Even now, as I type this I come back to the old realization that change scares me. Though I am prone to impulsivity and constant change it is something that sends shivers down my spine. That feeling of uncertainty eats away at me. I have a hard time sitting with the discomfort, even though discomfort is a constant theme in my life from being a recovering people pleaser. There is so much dichotomy within my being, yet I resist one or the other constantly once I am actually in control. I can no longer give up my power and ignore the world around me when it gets overwhelming. I have to take control of my energy and how I use it, not just as a reaction to the world at large; but as an instrument to help me manipulate and better navigate my world.

December 1, 2022 , 10:51am

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spotify is selling audiobooks now…..once again tapping the sign:

dont give them your money when you could be supporting your local library!