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Continued.... February 3, 2025

Sasha also I feel like has barley been communicative unless Im the one texting, like back in December I had started the conversation before christmas cause she hadn't reached out in like two weeks & even then she barley asked me anything and I kept the conversation going through January. I tried to plan to see her, twice but her window on the one weekend was so small and then earlier that week said he bf wasn't coming, it's like she leaves the ball in my court, but in a way that like... makes it feel like she doesn't have to try? Idk, I just feel off. Amber & naythan, like I love them. But this past weekend they went out to Radium for the weekend, I tried not to pry by asking what they went for and they went to "play boardgames" in a cabin type weekend with the hot springs. It just frustrates the shit out of me that I keep asking them to come visit and I get pushed off & answered like "well theres nothing to do there, what would we even do?" it's like seriously? Sure you have hot springs in Radium but you book these "getaway" weekends where you just stay in and play games and hang out and how the fuck is that not the same thing as coming out here? other than you actually get to spend time with me? Idk, then my mom, like same thing, i've been inviting her to come out for WEEKS literally since christmas & i totally get you wanted to go spend it with aunt sissy, but youd rather drive 3 hours than 2.5 for me. She's going out to the mountains constantly during the week, every weekend of hers is booked up... & i keep saying like you do all this with your time off but youll be working soon and wont be able to come out during the week then, but then on the same page she's booking all her weekends in advance because "she doesn't know when she'll get a job and wont be able to go out during the week with her friends" Honestly I just feel sick. I am sick and fucking tired of trying to ask my family and my damn friends to come out, my mom came out in august, that's it. Ive been asking her since, she keeps saying "in the next month" but wont fucking commit. I invite steven & amanda, and yet the same thing, I understand they're busy, but it's like they CHOOSE to be busy with everything BUT booking time with me. Like no one is asking me if I can come out there to hang out, Im always the person saying hey I plan to come in are you around. Im always the person making the plans and asking, I try to book a damn games night weeks in advance but they're already booked 3 weeks out. Like Im seriously over it. Im tired of asking. I dont want to anymore. Im like actually ready to stop asking to hang out period. If you can't take the time to see me once every fucking 3-4 months and Im the one always asking when theyre free so I can come in, like Im just done. This is fucking hard. I get that I moved away and clearly I understand I had way to high of expectations even when I felt like its the bare fucking minimum, of friends putting in effort. I thought that I had built these relationships strong enough that everything wouldn't land on my shoulders but I feel that I'm wrong. I'm literally stuck in between trying to give my husband the space he needs so Im not needy & clingly all the fucking time, while trying to adapt to this new life, while trying to cling onto my friends and family ( again to give my husband space) but yet I get barley anything from them, leaving me feelings alone because I have no friends out here, D is busy enough, I literally just spend my time with colesons mom or parents, I love them, but that can't be my only outlet. I just wasn't prepared to be so damn independent out here.

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Dear future self... February 3, 2025

Once again I am struggling. I'm feeling like the bad days have been outweighing the good these last two months and I keep getting in this cycle. It makes me mad when we just had a great weekend together too and I should feel like I've had enough time with Coleson since I've literally spent most of the weekend together. I am exhausted today. I am so tired of not sleeping. Friday night we went to bed closer to 4am and "slept in" till maybe 10, had a chill morning gaming together & watching survivor. Then I went into Lethbridge for some errands & a massage, came home and we did the same for the evening. Went to bed around 11:30 maybe? Or maybe it was then i couldn't sleep either, I think I didn't get to bed until 12:30am, woke up at 8 after tossing all night again. Went to the parents to chat about us leaving and watched Jack Hibbs together, got ready and went into lethbridge for an escape room and then went for chinese after. Again, spent most of the day together, I know coleson hit a wall and maybe I felt it too much and let it affect me. When we got home it was a weird limbo of being exhausted and being restless. We ended up playing some more It Takes Two which was fun, then again went a bit weird, maybe it was just me. Watched some survivor and then it was around 9/9:30 that he was going to game with the guys. The whole "im sorry we weren't intimate" talk again, I think as much as it's nice that it's acknowledged, I feel like when that's said, it's like a wall... like ok cool so ya we weren't intimate all day and then when you "realize" this, it's like you still don't want to, or don't want to make that change and instead it's just like a shut off for the rest of the night, so I just went to the room to read. Idk, it just puts me off, it makes me feel like great you're acknowledging it but closing the door at the same time... Of course I couldn't sleep again then. I shouldn't be mad because I did say everything was fine & he did come in and check a few times before gaming if he should come watch a show together (which I knew he hadn't had a chew all day so the wall would be up anyway) which I just didn't want to be around so I tried to shove it down again, which I feel like I was actually ok, I didn't spiral then, I just took it for what it was, but it was when he came to bed around 11:30 that he barley touched me & I didn't even notice him kissing me & it just went right to my head again, so I tossed & asked why/when he came to bed & it was the same "I didn't want to wake you", after I turned over he tried to cuddle up for a while but I was already in my head, which I know was wrong. I went sideways from there, not able to sleep so got magnesium and gaba again & stayed awake until after 1am before I moved to the couch because his snoring. I think I fell asleep just before 2am, was up at 3:30 and again at 5:30. Im exhausted. I know after festering last night and this morning, a lot of this just has been stemming from living out here and feeling like my friends and even family aren't putting much into visiting or chatting. Amanda has been barley responsive, I ended up cancelling going to prayer night because Alyson canceled and It was on a wednesday which was a brutally long day to drive out & back & i was mentally not there. Steven has also been barley responsive, tried talking about gaming which he wanted to and then I gave two days that week and he only responded the morning of the last day with "well have to plan a day". I get they're busy, it's just unfortunate.

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Dear future self... January 5, 2025 Goal

-Find more balance this year. The last two years especially have been near burnout, non stop, always so busy. Now that we're married, I want to settle in & really take some time. Get into a good routine, healthy balance & get back to the things that bring me joy.

-Read 12 books this year, while finishing the last ones that I've picked up which I didn't finish last year.

-I want to focus this year on bettering myself & really working on my triggers & how I'm showing up for Coleson. I.E How long it takes me to come back around from being frustrated, crushing my negative thoughts before they overcome my mind, speaking up more on how I'm feeling & how it's affecting how I show up, being more slow to anger because I know there's been some times this last year that I really let that overcome me & I'm not happy with how I was, communicating more how I'm feeling & not let it boil over into something bigger, stop making up narratives in my mind about Coleson & assume the best of him, be more decisive, allow space to explore deeper what might be the issue when something arises (especially when Coleson can tell & asks what’s wrong, not just saying nothing but either taking time to figure it out or explore talking about it), believe the truths when they’re said, drop the pride when in a fight when I know I’m wrong or acting not Godly. -I hope to continue to build into others, even when they might feel distant, I don't want to keep falling into the "well they need to put in effort too" but instead reach out, or face things by asking if I feel like someone's pulled back. Stop making up a narrative about others & allow them to show up. - I want to build more with some others around here like Larissa, Kenzie and D more. -I'd like for us to find a church & to plug in, actually do some more activities in the community.

-Read the bible in a year!

- I want to start making some sourdough and buns, maybe even get into making pasta!

-I’d like to learn something this year, some sort of skill. Not sure what, but I want to learn something new.

-I need to fully forgive meliss for how our relationship changed & what happened last year.

-take more time to actually write, not let 3 months go past.

-celebrate our 1 year anniversary

-expand my green thumb, I’d like to have more house plants, but also to start some sort of garden.

-truly grow my confidence & self worth in God & how he sees me.

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Therapy Session... January 16, 2025

Need to dive deeper into the reasoning for believing the lies in my heads rather than accepting the truth in front of me. Ask God how he see's my dad, how he see's melissa and Travis. How does God see me now because of the things done to me in my past? Forgive them for teaching me how to be dishonest in a situation to keep the peace. What are the things that my relationship with dad has taught me? What was forced onto me that I've been carrying, that isn't mine to carry as a result of those interactions? I.E self doubt, muting and not having a voice. What got stolen from me? I.E freedom of speech, confidence

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Dear future self... 2024 goals recap continued

-I want to save more too this year. Also had a wedding last year so there wasn't too much saving, but I definitely have saved money by moving out here now. This ones been a little questionable. -I really need to find balance this year. I don’t want to be running on empty all the time. Last year was amazing & I have so many great memories & was out all the time but I really want balance this year. I want to spend more time with myself, like getting back into shadow work & reading or listening to meaningful podcasts again. As said above, this was not very good with balance. I did get a bunch of reading done though, I mean I did have some self care throughout but I feel like I was more on burnout than actual balance. -More things that make me happy. More mountain trips & hikes. More puzzles. More green thumb with plants. More drawing. More focus on my skin care. More cold showers. More time with Nova. Well... I spent time with nova haha but I didn't really do much of those, I did a bit of mountains last year, Jasper was really nice, but it was just too busy going back & forth from the farm that I didn't focus on these too much

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Dear future self... 2024 recap continued

-I want to focus more on the less people pleasing side. I feel I’ve done really good with this the past year, not necessarily “not caring what anyone thinks” but less concern for how people will see me & being able to say no to things & not be worried what that outcome is. I think I've done this more, or I feel like I have at least. I've definitely felt like I've grown more into myself & my confidence. I've lost it a few times & have spiraled, but I feel like I had some good times & some not so good. - Speaking on which above, I also want to be better at not allowing the absolute dog shit in my life. Not allowing people to treat me like an option, not chase connection, not force a friendship. I want to set healthy boundaries & really lean into my self worth this year. Not letting it waiver depending on who responds to me or how someone treats me. Amen to this hey, how sad is that that I had to write that as a goal for the year. I have definitely succeeded on this! I married a man who values & appreciates my worth continuously. My friends too, & even coleson's parents too have also just been so reassurring & loving. -I also want to stop the self punishing. I’ve been doing a lot better at this in the last several months. Not dwelling on the bad & negative, not allowing myself to sink into a hole of what a shit person I am etc. I’ve been better at redirecting my thoughts when they come to those & combating them with positives & truths but I do want to have a lot of growth in that. I feel like I'm good at this when things are good, especially when I'm able to crush those first starting feelings of negative thoughts. Sometimes I am good at it & Coleson has reassured me or I've been able to get out of it, but the last 3 months have been difficult, the last two months especially have been extremely hard & I have definitely spiraled & have completely drowned in negative thoughts, so that would be a good one for this year to really work on. -I want to establish a better lifestyle. More balance & healthier habits. While still not binging but allowing myself to not have such restrictions. I would like to get back into a workout routine & build my strength. I’m not unhappy with my body but I would like to feel better in it. I really need to get back into going to bed at a decent hour to get my full nights sleep & be waking up at a good early time to start my day. Building better routines for sure & not letting busy life destory healthy habits established. Can't say I have really done this last year, I feel like this is a good one for this year. Last year was just insane, I didn't take a step back in my busy life so when it was down to moving my whole life & then planning a wedding, my balance was out the window. I had no balance & I felt like I was running on fumes for a while. November was nice to get away but I wouldn't say there was a whole lot of balance, though there was some hikes & walks & self care but not as much as I would have liked.

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Dear future self... 2024 recap

-I would like to read at least 7 books on my TBR this year. Also would love to finish the 4 I started last year that aren’t done yet too (Ed’s book, Untamed, Highly Sensitive Person & Atlas of the Heart) Ok I didn't think I did but I finished 11 books last year which is awesome! I'm happy about that, though I did not finish any of the ones I had started. Maybe this year. -I want to do my solo trip this year. Doesn’t matter where, whether it just be across the province, a roadtrip in the US or even a solo flight somewhere. I did not do this, I had every intention of going to Portugal in Oct for my birthday but clearly my life changed and I didn't. Im not sure if I'll get the chance to do a solo trip still, maybe one day in the future but that's on the back burner, you know, cause I'm married now. -I want to further deepen my friendships. I know this is a given, but I’d also like to see myself adding another girl to my circle. I definitely would say that my friendships have deepened over the year which is beautiful and I'm very grateful. I think to adding another would be D, Kenzie, Alyson & Stacey which have been amazing additions to my life. -I would like to feel fully invested in a church. Not feel like I’m still iffy & testing it out but I want to plant myself in one, join some more groups within the community hopefully & attend some more church activites. Though I have no succeeded at this, because I moved away so I couldn't plant myself anywhere, Coleson & I have been trying to go to the Vauxhall church regularly. Still not fully plugged in though. - I want to better my relationship with God. I know I can just reflect on that in a year from now & see how much more trusting I am with Him, only time will tell but I want to be more invested in that. More trusting that His plan is greater & he’s going to take care of me. I loved this and I loved this last year with trusting God. As I read through my last year, it really was heart warming to myself to see how many of my posts I actually wrote more about my relationship with God & how blessed I am. I definitely feel that I have bettered my relationship & have seen God's hand in so many areas over the year. - I want to ask for help more. I realized that I still seclude myself a lot when I go through hard times, I don’t allow others to help or open up & I deal with things on my own. I started to in the later months especially when I had ended things with Zack, I did open up with Amber & Sasha more & even Shane so I want to continue to be able to ask for that help back. I want to say that I maybe have improved in this, but not to the fullness that I would like. I definitely got a lot of help through moving, planning a wedding, even wedding day. But I don't feel that I've improved very much in the general sense, maybe some with Coleson, like I have commented over the last few months that I've needed things more specifically but I know I could do better. -I want to compliment more strangers. I remember I went to the peter lougheed house with mom some weeks ago & our server had such a beautiful smile, I had told him at the end of the meal & he blushed & got flustered. This world is so cold and unfriendly. I want to compliment more people, more strangers. Whatever it might be, I want to be kinder. Softer. More compassionate. I want to say nice things & speak more kindness into the world. I loved reading back on this one but am sad that I don't feel like I've really done this too much. To be fair, I now live on a farm and don't see strangers often so I have to take that into account but I didn't do a lot of that before I moved unfortunately.

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As I sit here, for the 3rd night in a row trying to figure out why I feel the way I do about all this, I did figure out two reasons.

1. Being when you said that I can come sit by you while I watch or read something while you game (even as I did share how I feel about how it associated with your bad habit), I wish I thought of it and processed it better. Because I actually would be sitting beside you, just about any time you were to play vids at night, if you didn’t have a bad habit in. That is the actual reason why I don’t, because why would I want to when I feel disconnected & a wall between us when you have it in? So I take the road of “out of sight” because I don’t want to be around it. Idk I wish that actually made enough of a difference for you to stop, if it really was a matter of me being around you. I probably wouldn’t even be upset as much with you wanting to game because I would be beside you, whereas now I feel like when you want to/ask, that it feels like (regardless that you aren’t actually) asking me to go somewhere else to be alone, & going to bed alone sucks.

2. Realizing that we’re literally…. Barely 10 months into being together, 2 months actually living together…. So yeah, of course Kealon who’s been with his wife for like 14 years, & Dan or Jaden who’ve been with their wives for many years plus have even just known them for ages…. Like yah, I’m SURE when you ask me in even 5 years time that you wouldn’t even have to ask me if you can play vids because I’ll want that time alone. I barley know you, we haven’t even been together for a year, so yeah I feel like it’s not unreasonable that I don’t necessarily like when you play vids 3+ nights in a row or 5 days a week.

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Therapy Session - December 17, 2024

I figured given the bit of spiral I'm going through the last few days that I would book a therapy session and boy was it really helpful. Notes: Ethical considerations -

Caution (Self) - What's the risk to me? Concern (Partner) - If I say or do this, what's the impact on the other person? Relational Dynamic (Us) - What's the impact on us, together? Mystical Union (God) - How will this affect my relationship with God and how will it affect my partners relationship with God? Your soul is a place of reasoning Your mind is broken up into 3 areas - Conscious, Subconscious and Unconscious Awareness, Patterns/thoughts/behaviors/habits, Memories/Fears/Anxieties

The taste is the brain response, associating it (sending signals to the brain) which the action/taste gets bonded to the sensation it fills which gives you the dopamine hit.

Body desires order and balance Soul desires satisfaction Spirit desires connection You can't have one without the other, they all work together and affect each other like a domino "It's not to take something away from you, but has an impact on us" It sooths the uncomfortable rather than dealing with it face on. Maybe God hasn't just cut the craving completely because He wants you to call on the Holy Spirit for strength and freedom. Maybe this is a way for you to be able to overcome this and face the struggle, by giving you the choice to over it come it rather than God just taking away the craving. Romans 8:5 - Apostle Paul talks about this- Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. If your mind is focused on your flesh desires, then you're desiring the dopamine hit, the craving, the instant satisfaction, but if you're living according to the spirit, then your mind is set on desiring connection. It's not wrong to be asking for habit to be stopped completely. When we say our vows, we're saying no to the billions of other people and saying yes to the one in front of you, this also includes saying no to "things" as well and sacrificing, especially if it is affecting your partner.

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October 12, 2024 - Wedding Day continued...

We went outside to take family photos which was a little hectic and all over but whatever happened it worked out. After that, we gathered the wedding party and drove over to a nice open park to take photos. The wind was up a bit so it was chilly, otherwise the weather was perfect. The fall colors were beautiful, Kenzie had to tend to baby lots so I felt bad she wasn't in all the photos but they went pretty well overall, got some really beautiful shots. I remember walking out there and having people stop us to say congrats and how beautiful we looked, it was then that I really felt like how i've always seen when others go out to get photos and you see the bride & groom walking, it was surreal to be in those shoes now at this time. As we were walking back a little girl said I looked like a princess which was really sweet. After this we drove back to the golf course and let everyone off til reception, we had about 45 minutes or an hour left. Brent, the restaurant host who was absolutely incredible, took us to hole 16? 17? on the course to get some photos, coleson drove the cart as we passed by, it was a nice moment together. After that we went back and got a photo with Paul which was a special moment with im and Sharon as well. We went to spend some time together in our condo room just us, maybe half hour at that point? Then headed back to the course again. The wedding party had gotten ready for their entrances, I wish I was able to see everyones entrance but D & Logan had our jerseys on which I thought was hilarious, and a sign that said something like "Will their love survive the rivalry? ... check back in 2025" Then we walked in and did our little "Hitch" movie dance which was fun and sat at the front. After that, the night went really fast. We got introduced, then went for food which was really good. I had then given my sneaky polaroids to my bridal party to hand out throughout the night, that was hilarious. Kenzie started it off, I cant remember exactly how it happened but I remember him opening it and he kept asking what it was for and then when he saw it he just looked at me and was like WHAT, what is going on, this is amazing. Little did he know. The speeches came which was honestly so funny and so great. All of it was really beautiful and Stevens roast had be in TEARS, i was DYING. I cant wait to rewatch that again, that was seriously so funny. After dessert which we cut the cake as well, the cake was absolutely amazing too, Ive been dreaming of it and wish we kept more, trying not to eat it all before our one year. We did some mingling at that point while people had dessert, people had to leave so we were trying to see everyone but then it was time for the first dance. That was really beautiful as well, very intimate moment. Again looking back I dont remember the nerves like I thought I would have, just focusing on coleson, felt like we were the only ones there in those moments. Our first dance was beautiful and a special moment together. After that the evening just flew. Mix of mingling and meeting people, dancing, taking photos etc. It happened quickly really. Around 10:30/11pm we gathered the wedding party outside for some quality time where we gave our thanks to everyone involved and how much they helped. This moment was one of Coleson & I's favorite, spending time with the close friends (kenzie had to leave unfortunately) who ultimately made the day for us, we had asked everyone to share their favorite moment in the day from their view. None of this was recorded or planned, it was a natural gathering & quality time together. Part of me wishes I got this recorded but the memory will forever stay with me. Hearing all our favorite people's memory of the evening, of our special day was the best gift. We felt to loved and so blessed in this. We're really grateful for those moments.

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October 12, 2024 - Wedding Day Recap

Wedding day finally came and I couldn't believe it. I woke up with Amber & had a slow start, Amber was amazing and gave me a little card, which had a QR code to scan, which I honestly just thought it would be a funny morning music playlist to get the day started, but instead, she actually had reached out to a bunch of important people in my life and put together a wedding day video (https://youtu.be/Y8U5950NuuI?si=-cyJPAqVWEseu03_) which made me cry, it was SO dang special. (as I watch this again and bawl my eyes out) honestly was the most special way to start the day. After that, we made some coffee & Amber started us off with some Yoga to relax. Kamber had left to go get her hair & makeup done. Then the hair girl showed up which she did a pretty great job considering I had no trial, near the end of that is when most people showed up, D came up, Kenzie had come in, mama came over & mama D came by too. We all got ready together and had a nice morning. Then crunchtime! Carina came and started getting some shots. Once everyone was ready, we got some shots outside popping champagne and then I put my dress on. More photos and then I think Dan W dropped off colesons present to me, mama D took colesons to him (yes I Iced him too). I sat as Steven got some photos of me reading colesons 3 page letter which was unbelievably beautiful, definitely cried. Then my mom passed me his gift, which was the night sky the moment he had proposed to me, again I bawled. How incredibly thoughtful and special. After this we rushed over to the golf course. I think this is when I started getting nervous, we had to wait for the guys to hide so we could go in and hide while they started walking up. I remember hiding in the storage closet trying to breathe. Seeing my bridesmaids all lined up, I was truly just in awe at how this day came already & how ridiculously blessed I was to have my favorite people around me celebrating this day, it's a feeling I really couldn't put into words or explain. I remember getting to the edge, watching steven's face to make eye contact when I was able to start walking with mom. the butterflies and nerves I felt at that moment. As i rounded the corner & made eye contact with Coleson felt like time just stopped and I couldn't see anything else. I prayed God would slow down that day and that moment. I wish I could feel those feelings any any given moment again, but I will try to continue to relive those moments whenever I can because in that moment of seeing Coleson, seeing him see me and the tears down his face, I felt the most loved, respected, honored, cared for, supported person in the world. I dont think I looked at anyone else really. The day truly was perfect. It was absolutely beautiful, I remember standing at the front while Daniel started to speak and I just couldn't stop smiling and looking at coleson, I remember trying to glance out into the crowd but stopped because it made me nervous so many faces staring. His vows were beautiful, and I surprisingly didnt choke getting mine out. It felt surreal, the most beautiful. We went and signed the papers which I remember laughing that I signed in the witness spot. Dan did too so oh well! Then we did the unity sand together which was another nice moment of just us. Wrapped up the message and was able to kiss my now HUSBAND! Amazing. It was beautiful and perfect. Walked down the aisle and towards the front doors where we couldn't believe it! Got some hugs in.

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October 11, 2024 - Pre-Wedding Day Recap

I wish I had done this sooner but as I've remembered the smaller moments, I wanted to write down what I remember of my wedding. October 11th, 2024 - Woke up and headed into Lethbridge to my eyelash appointment. Coleson was running late so I went to pick up some last minute things and went to the golf course to unload my car. Mom, Mama D & Papa G were there working on flower arrangements, the chairs and arch were already set up which was a huge help. I went to try to pick up my backdrop but it was too big so I picked up the smaller items and headed back. Coleson dropped off Nova and then picked up the backdrop. By this time most people were showing up. D & the girls, some of the friends and coleson. Got everyone started on things, Brook was a massive help, along with her husband Logan, Josh P and Dan W, they did so much and helped a lot. The girls even did lots of decorating. D did so much with flowers and everything else. Amber then came and helped with stuff too. We were pretty much done by 4/5pm where we waited for Daniel Chege, everyone was finishing things like the arch (Frankie helped a lot), steven & amanda, Kenzie. My whole vision came together, it was wild to see. We finally got to our rehearsal around 6/6:30 maybe. When Steven played the songs to walk up it really hit me and I was trying not to cry, it felt real then, setting in. The rehearsal went smoothly, even Coleson had a tear in his eye.

We ordered pizza for everyone and went to the boys' place to eat, just hung out with everyone which was nice and chill, then broke off for the night, maybe around 8/8:30

Steven had come to our room, D ended up having the girls so she didnt get to spend the evening so it was just Steven, Amanda, Amber, Kamber & me which was still really nice. Steven told us a really funny story about one of his video shoots & a wild story about a client whos mom killed her dad. We listened to music & played some card games for a few hours till maybe 11ish before we got ready for bed. Amber & I stayed together in the room which was really nice to have, I love that girl. Then just before midnight Coleson had called and asked how far away I was, he wanted to come give me one more kiss which was so sweet. We met up in the middle of the street for one more moment together, enjoying every single minute before the next day. I felt so loved and cherished, truly knew I was marrying such an amazing man. Finally we parted ways and went to bed

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Dear Future Self... October 30, 2024

Heck man it has BEEN A YEAR! I've been wanting to write for like ever but it's been the busiest last 4 months of my life & I feel like the more time passes I just can't keep up with the updates.

I read my time hop from the years & this day last year I wrote a pretty sad post about October. I know I was pretty depressed last October & had hit a bad low. Not rock bottom, but I had wrote about how I felt like I messed up really bad & that I had felt like I wasn't deserving. Boy, what a time to reflect on. I realized as I was writing it, something that Ed had said to me while we were on our Sept 2023 US trip, that I needed to unlearn the mentality of thinking that when I hit a low, I've lost all progress on becoming & growing. That's always been a massive point in my life that when I mess up or feel like the world is crushing me, I always resort to how I've fallen back to the ground, when really I've had to learn over the year(s) that I need to anchor into those progress points with the Lord. That life keeps moving & I keep changing, I might make the same stupid mistakes, but God forgives, every single time & just wants to help me do better. I realized while reading that how sad it was that I felt like I had lost all "progress" from last year, when I went into last year in a really good place, & yes I made bad decisions on things with Zack, but it also made me learn SO much & it brought me to where I go this year. Sometimes I look back & I question myself, I feel like maybe Meliss used to question me on this too this past year & this is why I get triggered by it, is the thought of, how could I have gone from such a low place last year to where I am today? How justifiable is it that I was in such a negative spot at points last year but then here & now I'm married, is it just a cover up? Was it just jumping in to "save myself"? I realized just now that the answer is no. That I have put in the work, I have been pushing myself to grow, I have continued to deepen my relationship with the Lord over the years. I did not "find/pick" coleson out of insecurity or jumping onto the next thing. I did work for my personal progress & my relationship with God & no one is allowed to tell me otherwise because they don't know, they haven't lived my shoes. That gives me to much peace.

It's pretty amazing though to look back where I was last year to now. I continuously think, how. How could I be where I'm at today? Truly only the Lord was able. Only in Him, have I been able to come to where I am today & boy, am I blessed incredibly.

October used to be the worst month, used to be only a day, then it grew to being the whole week of my birthday, last year made me hate the whole month of October. It's absolutely incredible how God rewrites the past with such a beautiful future. I just had the absolute best October of my life. I had the first birthday in... I don't even know, maybe 14 years? Since I was at least 15 or 16 years old, the best birthday I've had. I got to then marry my best friend, the love of my whole life days later. I'm living on a farm with the best family I could have ever dreamed of, about to go on a road trip with the most incredible man whom I never thought I'd ever have the blessing to love. Boy, God is seriously good. All the time.

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... September 15, 2024

Boy has it been a while and boy has A LOT happened. I don't want to get in to everything at this moment, one day I'll try to catch up on the last like 2-3 months but for now, I'm just really sad & need to get out my anger.

I'm getting married. Yay right? This is what we've been praying for for months. I knew it was going to be stressful planning a wedding in less than 2 months, I just didn't honestly think that Meliss would act the way she has been.

She's been a little iffy since the start, & I get that. I totally acknowledge & I do feel so sorry that it must be difficult watching me through this as these are all the things she wants for herself. But I didn't think that she would actually steal my joy. Honestly, after the first few short months of reconciling with her, I definitely wanted her to be standing there with me, she's always been my best friend & to me, it was a no-brainer. As time progressed & I realized how different we are & seeing some of these same tendencies that she has that Steve has started to push me away. I find it difficult because she's always thought she's had to "mother me" because she's the bigger sister, she really these last few months have emphasized a little too much on how she's spent this last year with God & how she can 100% hear Him & has full discernment & how connected she is etc. So much so that sometimes though she doesn't realize it, or maybe she does, she looks down on me & judges my growth & my personal relationship with God. She's made comments about how much "Farther' she is along in her journey than "a lot" of us/others.

Anyways, seeing those signs & I know it's out of love but she's just not as kind with her words & how she comes across & I know I'm not the only one. I realized that the relationship I've built with Amanda is foundationally very strong & we've grown so much together. I understood that it was going to be difficult having both of them standing at the front.

[ocean-anchored]

Continued.... July 24, 2024

Coleson & I's relationship has been growing stronger continually. I kind of left the whole pre-marital counselling on the back to see what would happen as I hadn't really heard him talk about it lately, which not going to lie played a bit in my mind in a negative way. I had talked to my brother about where they went & was getting worried about timelines, mostly not knowing the future & timelines in general as we've been throwing around the idea of getting married in the fall but we'll see obviously. Last time I was out there last week, he mentioned it though, asked about thoughts on Shem's parents who are the ones that did it for both Kealon & Kenzie, & also baptized him, which I'm open to, so that was really nice to hear he was thinking about it. I left it in his court on setting it up, I assume he's just waiting to actually propose but again time will tell. Our communication has been getting better, sometimes i hate that he can read me better than anyone. It's like he instantly knows when things are going through my mind & he's very much a confrontational deal with it kind of man which really is great. So we've had a few different conversations that have come up, like last week about him going away for golf again & it was the weekend we talked about me moving for some time. I got a bit defensive due to previous relationships in feeling like A my things were important, but B that if I had asked or made him reschedule something he wanted, then he would hold it over my head so I really pushed for him to just go as I did have a lot of people around to help, but again, just so much reassurance that he wanted to move it to help me move & that these things aren't more important than our relationship. Obviously it seems like a small thing, but it's not when you've never been treated that way in the past. So it was big for me, but mainly big because through that & even some other past conversations, I've been able to see how he handles the situations & how gentle he is. His tone is always controlled, he doesn't say things that manipulate the situation or what was said, he doesn't play victim, he doesn't throw anything back on me, he truly listens & acknowledges how it's made me feel. It's crazy man, like I've never met someone who's had that kind of heart & character. It continues to just blow my mind that God opened the door for him in my life & placed him there. Like I've never felt so safe with someone, ever. Not one person, not one male have I ever felt like I could wholeheartedly give him my whole self without feeling judged, without being anxious, without hesitation. It's the most wild feeling, but the most reassuring. I love this man like I've loved no other. He and his character is what I've looked for my whole life. He's who I believe without a doubt that I will be married for the rest of my life.

[ocean-anchored]

Dear Future self....July 24, 2024

Man, I've been procrastinating this one for a while. Life has been wildly busy, I don't even know where I left off last time so I'm not going to even attempt to try & recap the last few months or weeks. Between going to Edmonton for hockey games, Jasper weekend for Coleson's golfing, going to the farm, stampede, Kamber moving to Lomond, work. It's been crazy busy. I don't even have the mental capacity to really write much, I barley slept last night & feel like I've been on the cusp of burnout for a while just being nonstop. Everytime I'm home it's like I've packed my week back to back with seeing people & then I go to the farm & that's great, it's relaxing but it hasn't been enough. Work has been going well, managing some team members, thankfully it's been a bit more chill minus the odd day, where I've been able to have a bit of down time (lately its been for packing though). It's been good though & Q has been working out. Went to Edmonton Monday to yesterday & met Jason Frye our government relations advisor which was great. Going to be going to Cleveland/Columbus & Minneapolis in October though. Friends have been overall pretty good. Sasha's been going through a difficult time with her BF & debating on carrying that relationship on. Amber's been great as usual, still been spending a few times a week with her as I can. Kamber I've barley seen but we went for Hot Pot some weeks ago which was great, she just moved last weekend to Lomond which is only about 30 mins from Coleson's which is amazing. Amanda started a womans prayer night which has been really great & so needed. Just her, Allison, Stacy & I. We're supposed to have another one tomorrow night which will be our 3rd, it's been really great to connect & to pray for each other. Steven & Amanda have been great, they came out to the farm a few weeks ago which was nice for them to come out. There was a wildly crazy storm & the power went out overnight but it was a nice weekend. I've seen Mel & Gray a handful of times, but this past week or two has been a bit weird with Mel & I feel like she's mad at me or something. But I had a chat with mom last week in general & we were just talking about her & yeah, I think just with putting up boundaries she's maybe realized she can't "parent" me anymore & that I've "challenged" her on some of her views (soul ties, jezabel spirit etc) where I haven't found these things in the bible so maybe that's caused a bit of a difference between us & maybe she doesn't feel she can share as much with me because I don't believe in some of these things but we'll see. I'm moving this weekend to the farm to live with Coleson's parents so that's going to be a big change. It's been one thing saying I'm moving, but it's been hitting me slowly the last week that I'm actually going. I look forward to being able to just get back into routine though, but it'll be a learning curve with more effort into making plans with friends & seeing people. A big heavy reliance on communication, but I'm sure I'll have more time for writing soon. Coleson's brother got two little Bernese pups which are super cute so that's fun.

[ocean-anchored]

Continued.... May 27, 24

I really didnt want him to leave. Before he left he apologized again for not making me feel like my family was important to spend time with etc & that he wants to make me happy & it is important to him. It was really special & i really appreciated what he said. Only about half hour when I was almost home he had called me again & said he missed me & just reitorated that he was sorry & wants me to know that I'm next to God, the most important in his life & wants to make sure I know that hes ready & when Im ready to talk about a wedding we can discuss more & make potential plans etc. Which was really reassuring. He also talked about his house & how he wanted me to feel like it was my home too & that if I wanted to do something or set something up somehow or had ideas for the yard/deck/basement etc that he wants me to be part of that plan & for us to do that together which was again really reassuring & want I wanted to hear. I really appreciated that a lot. Today is Monday the 27th, I have the day off which I didnt want to put too much pressure on myself so I've taken it pretty easy today. I just finished my first counseling appt with Paul Day & man he's good. Talked about everything I've been feeling & how I've been torn so back & forth with where to be in 3 months. It's really be weighing on me having to move in August & just so undecided on should we plan this wedding now or should we wait a year. One day Im ready to marry him the next Im scared & feel like it's too soon. It's been exhausting & really hard honestly but the talk really helped me understand the process & that it's ok to take time. That it's still important to see someone in a full year cycle of all seasons, really make sure we communicate expectations especially in those seasons & how he's making these efforts now is obviously really great character but in 20 years maybe won't be as willing etc. Really kinda made me feel like maybe it is the right choice to learn patience. That even when we pray & I'm asking God to confirm that he's the right one, doesn't necessarily mean that's the go ahead to get married in 3 months, that often we associate time with God & that's not Gods nature which is very true. That even if we don't get an answer or the answer is delayed, doesn't mean that it's a no & maybe God is wanting us to work on other things which I've felt a bit like I need to learn some more patience & continue to give up control in planning & knowing my future & leave it to God. So yeah i definitely want to see him more & continue counselling with him to unpack this which is great. As it sits, I feel like maybe waiting would be a good plan, even if it's Spring next year, doesn't have to mean until next August if I can break my lease, but I feel a bit more at peace with the idea of seeing how a year goes in all stages, obviously even being out there for winter & getting a feel for that, seeing him in his full down time & through all seasons will be important to go through. It will give less pressure on having to force things, plan a wedding & doing pre-martial counseling before too. So I think that's what I feel in my heart now, obviously allowing God to work & open those doors. I just hope I'm not spending an arm & a leg in renting.