oceanberrie

[oceanberrie]

07052023 0132 hrs.

once again, i am not moving forward with my life. mostly my fault, i know that. but i don't even know how to fix my mistakes anymore. i'm at another "what now?" phase and for the first time i don't have a solution. i don't have an answer. i don't have anything.

[oceanberrie]

"you're my poison."

i wouldn't be poison if you chose me.

i wish i could ask you to choose me.

but i can't. that's not my decision to make.

if you wanted to choose me, you would have.

and i wouldn't be writing about it.

[oceanberrie]

February is coming. That means Valentine's Day is coming. I'm going to be bitter the whole month. Nothing makes me feel more lonely than February 14.

[oceanberrie]

i have every right to be upset and every right to choose who i want around me. you forget that you've been leaving me since i was a child. and that hasn't changed so don't call me selfish. stop denying that i'm not hurt. stop thinking i'll get over it just because i'm an adult. i've been understanding long enough. this is the last time you'll ever be abandoning me. i will keep asking for my grandmother because she has never, not once, abandoned me. i wasn't her burden to bare. i wasn't her responsibility. i was yours and you made it seem like i was never an obligation. so thank you for that.

[oceanberrie]

you don't get to call it being "flirtatious" because that's just you as a person.

holding my hand. hugging me. kissing me when nobody's looking. touching me intimately. that's not JUST flirting.

it's my fault tho... right?

[oceanberrie]

everyone's leaving me.

[oceanberrie]

stop living in my head rent free.

[oceanberrie]

remember when you said you hate that you want me?

i hate that i want you too. i hate it because i can't have you.

remember when you held my hand and told me you were happy with me?

i've never been dependent on anyone when it came to my personal happiness. i knew how to be content. but in that moment, i wanted to tell you that i was happy with you too. it was a different kind of happy. and i hate it because i can't have you.

remember, on your birthday, when you pulled me close and wrapped your arms around me, and told me you missed me?

i wanted to tell you how much i missed you too. but i couldn't. because if i acknowledged that i missed you, it would mean that you meant more to me than i'd want to admit. i'd be admitting that i think about you a lot. and i hate it. i hate that i miss you every day because i can't have you.

and finally reality set in. you have her. and she has you. you were never mine to begin with but it felt like you were. the stolen kisses, the way you held my hand, even the way you held me in your arms. the late night drives, the time you spent teaching me how to ride a bike, that day you told me to change out of my pajamas for ice cream, the way you tried to keep me warm when it rained for hours in the fair. i wished you were mine to keep. i wished you were mine to hold.

i've never been with someone who i can be fully comfortable with. being with you... it felt safe. you once said i deserved better. i don't need better, i want enough. and you were enough.

maybe you were right. maybe things would have been different if i told you i liked you. but even if i did, would you have chosen me? i don't have confidence that you will ever choose me.

and i hate it. i hate that the heavens only gave me a taste of what it would be like to be with you.

i miss you. i really do. and i still want you.

[oceanberrie]

the amount of layouts i have saved in my drafts 🥲

[oceanberrie]

JENNIE AND JAEBEOM EDIT WITH HEADERS

— like or reblog if saved or used

**icons aren't mine, but headers are. i've had the icons saved for so long i forgot which accounts i got them from. if you scroll through my likes, you might find the accounts i got them from, though it might take awhile since there are a lot.

[oceanberrie]

JIHYO LAYOUTS + JAEBEOM HEADERS

— like or reblog if saved or used

**icons aren't mine, but headers are. i've had the icons saved for so long i forgot which accounts i got them from. if you scroll through my likes, you might find the accounts i got them from, though it might take awhile since there are a lot.

[oceanberrie]

CHUNGHA LAYOUT + JAEBEOM HEADER

— like or reblog if saved or used

**icons aren't mine, but headers are. i've had the icons saved for so long i forgot which accounts i got them from. if you scroll through my likes, you might find the accounts i got them from, though it might take awhile since there are a lot.

[oceanberrie]

BLΛƆKPIИK

— like or reblog if saved and used

[oceanberrie]

CHUU LAYOUTS + JAEBUM HEADERS

— like or reblog if saved or used

** icons aren't mine, but headers are. i've had the icons saved for so long i forgot which accounts i got them from. if you scroll through my likes, you might find the accounts i got them from, though it might take awhile since there are a lot.

[oceanberrie]

RED VELVET JOY LAYOUTS

— like or reblog if saved or used

** icons aren't mine, but headers are. i've had the icons saved for so long i forgot which accounts i got them from. if you scroll through my likes, you might find the accounts i got them from, though it might take awhile since there are a lot.

[oceanberrie]

TAEHYUNG & HOSEOK LAYOUTS (VHOPE)

— like or reblog if saved and used

** icons aren't mine, but headers are. i've had the icons saved for so long i forgot which accounts i got them from. if you scroll through my likes, you might find the accounts i got them from, though it might take awhile since there are a lot.

[oceanberrie]

JENNIE LAYOUTS + JUNGKOOK HEADERS

— like or reblog if saved and used

** icons aren't mine, but headers are. i've had the icons saved for so long i forgot which accounts i got them from. if you scroll through my likes, you might find the accounts i got them from, though it might take awhile since there are a lot.