odette-at-dawn

[odette-at-dawn]

– last night –

oh. my. god. i had a wild time last night. my friends and I went to this club on campus, for a y2k/10s party that they were having. so fun right? well we ran into a girl we were friends with in first year, which was so nice bc we caught up on lots of stuff and she told us about whats been going on. she was with a big group of people and she introduced us to all of them. in this group, there was an absolutely gorgeous woman there. she was dressed super masc and I was genuinely head over heals. she left to go to the bath room for a bit, and I asked our friend who she was. she told us our name and was like "ugh I'm like lowkey in love with her (kinda joking) but she has a bf". we were all shocked. BF?!?!? that's a masc lesbian baby. but anyways, we get inside the club and are hanging out and dancing and stuff with the big group. we all decide to get drinks after like an hour or so. so we go over to the bar and my friend and I are talking and joking and I start laughing so hard where I squat down bc of how hard I'm laughing. THE GIRL THEN COMES OVER AND CARRESSES MY BACK AND ASKS ME IF IM OKAY. she helps me up and my friend and I were just like "oh haha I'm just laughing" and she was like okay I just wanted to make sure you're okay. we then chat a bit more and then people leave to go to the dance floor so I take the girls' hand and drag her to the dance floor. we are holding hands as we dance. i am lightly holding her hand, giving her a chance to pull away because, again, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND, but she doesn't pull away. we are dancing and getting super close to each other (like distance wise) and we are having a great time. a guy interrupts at one point to try and wingwan his friend to me and I reject him, and me and the girl laugh about how awkward it was. we keep dancing and are getting super close, and the looks are very much what you give before you're about to makeout with someone. but in my head I'm like "I have to have her make the first move, because she is the one who is dating someone not me". so I wait. we keep dancing but we let go of each others hands after a bit, where we then find our other friends. she asks where 2 people are, gets told they are in the washroom, then goes to check on them. i debrief my friend on what happened and we are giggling abt it. then we all decide we should meet back up with the group. we are all there talking and just chatting, then I realize, she isn't there. no one else seems to notice, but I ask our friend where she is. she asks the two the girl went to go find and they say she left. SHE JUST LEFT AND ONLY TOLD 2 PEOPLE. AFTER WE DANCED LIKE THAT. WHAT. my friends who I told abt this were like "I think you gave her gay panic" which is great but I think I'm in love with her. ALSO SHE WAS WEARING A CARIBEANER (at least my friend and I think she was). so that is like crazy to me, that she left after that. and it was quick to. within like less than 10 minutes of us stopping dancing, shes gone. LIKE WHAT. i requested to follow her on insta (along with a lot of that group) but she hasn't accepted it yet. i really hope she does, but I also just want to hangout with that group again. they seemed so cool and it was so fun to go out with them. i also got hit on by so many guys. like in the 3 hours we were there like 4 or so guys tries to talk to me. i didn't rlly like any of them, but it took my mid off the girl. ill say updates on the girl when they happen, but this has been on my mind all day today. i cant get her out of my head.

[odette-at-dawn]

-christmas-

first of all happy holidays. yesterday was christmas day and it was fun, but I cant help feeling disappointed. it makes me feel like such a horrible person, but I cant help but feel unsatisfied/unhappy with my gifts. i sound so horrible, because I am really grateful for what my parents got me and that I was able to celebrate christmas with them, but we make lists every year for everyone to look at and buy stuff from and it feels like no one actually looked at my list. i got lots of little stocking stuffers which were cute, but the main thing were birks and a shadowbox my mom got me. i knew I was going to get the shoes because i asked for them in august and then in october/november (for either my bday or xmas), where i tried them on along with another pair of shoes i wanted. i got the birks which I'm happy about, but i told both my parents i wanted the other shoes more but I'm still happy i got the shoes. then the shadow box is for the taylor swift concert my mom and i went to. i told her that i wanted to put my taylor swift stuff into a shadow box or something and she bought that for me, which is thoughtful but i told her i maybe wanted to do that. its also something i was planning on buying for myself. it just makes me feel like they didn't even look at my list. another thing they got me is a meat thermometer, which is not bad (because i get really stressed about cooking meat and not getting food poisoning) but ive talked to my parents a lot in the past 3ish months about the fact that I'm going to stop eating meat that i have to cook (partially because of the cooking but also other health issues) so it just feels like they don't listen to me. they did get me a hair oil which I've been needing more of so I'm super happy for that. i just feel so spoiled because i did get a lot and I'm sitting here crying over it when lots of people probably got no gifts. and its not like they didn't spend money on them too, birks are super expensive shoes, so i feel even more ungrateful. and even more so because i know my mom bought most of the gifts and shes super proud of them so i feel even worse. but when i see my older sibling and dad get everything they asked for/all of their gifts are off their lists, it just sucks a bit. its also hard because my grandmother, who notoriously doesn't like me (so much so that my parents both noticed it and have talked to our extended family about it) got me a gift that felt more connected to me than the ones my parents got me (a student cookbook, a dish towel type thing for the oven, and a puzzle of one of my favourite artworks (which i think was just lucky)). i just feel so...disconnected? from everyone here i guess? i don't really know it just feels like these gifts are separate from me, like they are for a shell of me. i don't really know how to explain it, and i know i sound like a broken record but i feel so terrible for being ungrateful/unhappy with the gifts. i don't know how to end this, so here's this.

[odette-at-dawn]

-blogs-

i honestly love having an /actual/ blog now and not just a place where i repost stuff because it makes me feel so myspace/early 2000s blogger girl who spends all her time blogging and i love it. its also so good because none of my irls know, and therefore there doesn't need to be any performative posts if you know what i mean? like i have a spam instagram account which i used a LOT for like 2-3 years (2021-2023) and a lot of the time it was just me yelling about thing and making posts i knew my friends would interact with. same with my spam snap story/stories, which i post a lot on now, but a lot of the post i make specifically for people to respond to, if that makes sense. like i will post a snap with text specifically for certain people to respond to. i don't have to do that here. i guess i don't have to do it on those accounts either, but this feels more freeing than the instagram account or snapchat account. i love logging onto my computer and typing away and making my blog look nice with pretty colours, its great. i feel like i would have been great in the myspace era, i need that to come back (spoken by someone who was barely alive during that time period). its also like a digital journal, which is so nice because i find actually writing down my thoughts hard to do sometimes. i have a physical journal, two actually, that i use often enough, but this is easier. i think a lot of my deeper, bigger feelings and issues go into the journals though, because while this blog is anon and has no interactions, the internet is forever, and these are on the internet, ykwim? especially with issues that really, really hurt me, i like to keep those in the journals. as i type this though, i do realise i talked about one of the worst things thats ever happened to me a few posts back so there is that. whateves lol, i didn't go that mush into my actual feelings, which is what the journals are for. i think thats a good way to describe it, because this blog is for my thoughts, and the journals are for feelings. i like that sentiment.

[odette-at-dawn]

-little thought-

i really like the idea of everything happens for a reason. not specifically that, but thats the general sentiment. i think my version of it is "no matter what you changed, you would have always ended up here". so for example, i went through a 'breakup' (in quotes bc we dated online during quarantine for like a month) and it really destroyed our friendship (i would have called us best friends for the year before we got together) and almost ruined our friend group. i know that i was in the wrong in most of what happened, and i really regretted a lot of it. but, what really got me through the self blame i had was the thought that, no matter what i changed in my actions, it all would have led me to where i am now. there isnt a parallel universe out there where i changed what i said and im now in a different situation with those friends and that person. it all leads me exactly where i am right now. i find it helps when wishing you could have done something differently, because at the end of the day, nothing you do will change what happened in the past. i was talking to my dad about this a few months back, and he also brought up this good point from a book he had been reading (i dont remember what its called though). its basically that, everyones actions are there own. people dont act mean towards you because of something wrong with you, its a choice they make. i was going through a bad friendship breakup before this convo that had just resurfaced and he was telling me that in my choosing to be kind and forgiving to that friend, she was also choosing to be mean to me. i wasnt choosing to be kind because of the actions she was taking, in fact it would have been great to be mean right back to her, but i was choosing to be kind because i wanted to. so, that same logic applies to her. she wasnt choosing to be mean because of what i was doing, she was choosing to be mean because she wanted to. we cannot blame ourselves for the actions of others, and i think it takes a lot of work to get over, but once you do, life really gets better. it also makes you care a lot less about what others think of you, because those are there thoughts, not your own. how much time in your day do you spend thinking about others? about their bodies? about what they said? about anything more than surface level about them? not much time at all, youll find. so think about that with others. they arent thinking about your insecurities or how 'weird' your being. the most youll get is someone telling their friends that they saw someone doing something wacky today. but thats the end of it. so live your life! be you! the thoughts of others shouldnt stop you from living your life!!

[odette-at-dawn]

-friends pt.3-

So we stay a trio, in the sense that we hangout together a lot. I go over to their places multiple times per week, like 3-4 minimum, and we always do stuff. i always offer to buy snacks or stuff like that when i come over, and i have spent a lot of money on snacks that we all eat. they do too, but when its money coming out of your monthly food budget its different. idk, it feels different at least. especially because one of the girls, the one who got really upset at us last year, never offers food or anything when i come over. she also says some things that just are so unaware of the privilege she has. not the point. anyways, the other girl and i would (and i know this is bad) talk about everything she did that was annoying us lately. a lot of the things she did were very annoying but whatever. but, i think ive spent too much time with the other girl (the one i was talking bad with, not about) because i stg every single thing she does now annoys me so much. i dont know whats going on. i dont really like either of them that much right now and i feel like im loosing my mind. i dont know whats happening. i think its because i spend too much time with them, and then too much time alone. i think that i need more friends that are not mutual because i am actually going to loose my mind. i just CANNOT deal with it. they are both so bitchy all the time, they dont fucking like each other that much, they are rude, annoying, loud, and just plain jerks sometimes. i know its coming from a place of stress and other things too, but i just dont know what to do. it upsets me that i feel like this but i think i am actually loosing my mind here. i dont want to hangout with them as much as i do but i have like one other friend who i actively hang out with other than them. all the rest of my friends live in other cities. i honestly dont know what to do and its stressing me out so much. im already stressed bc of school, and the fact that i think i hate my major, needing a job, the girl i like is still taking over my mind even though we havent talked in 2 months. that reminds me, when i was talking to one of the girls (non-lesbian one), she was talking about a crush she had on her friend (another girl) and i was helping her chat about it. really just listening as she talked about it. but i went through something similar over the summer with the girl i liked. i mentioned that, and made a little comment about how we havent talked in 2 months but she still watches all of my snap stories and insta stories even tho she claims to never use insta) and my friend made a comment back being like "and you still check?". idk, it doesnt sound that bad in text, but it really upset me in the moment. like wth i am trying to help you and relate to you and you make a judgy comment about it? idk it rubbed me the wrong way. i think i need to go back into therapy to talk about this or smth bc i feel like my life is falling a part in front of me and i dont know what to do about it!

[odette-at-dawn]

-friends pt.2-

So summer came and went, i had the best summer job ever and met some amazing people, including a girl i really, /really/, liked. i would go into more detail but that would take up the whole character limit honestly lmao. but, i was talking to my best friend about it (who is straight) and she wasnt really understanding it. when i was saying how i didnt know if the girl i liked was queer or not, my best friend told me that if it didnt work out, at least id have a good friend out of it. her intentions are in the right place, but just...no girl. so i texted one of my friends about it. i told her that i had to talk ot another gay person about the situation. she was so excited for it and we made a plan to meet. me and this other friend used to be best friends 2/3 years ago and we told each other a lot, and we talked a lot about being gay in our friend group and how it was hard to talk about it with straight people because they just didnt get it. we told each other we'd always be there for each other if we wanted to talk about our gay crushes or relationships. so the day comes, and she texts me 30 min before we are supposed to meet that she is too hungover to come. shes really sorry but she just cant do it. i was actually so mad. really disappointed in her bc who does that? i know that you should expect people to act how you'd act for them, but i would never to that to someone. especially when the plan is already there, then on a whim you decided to go out the night before. my parents were also really upset, because they know this friend well as we have also being friends atp for 8 years or so. it chill, i talk to one of my other really good friends and we get dinner that night and chat about it, and it was great. this friend is truly my longest friendship and we've only had one big argument (the one mentioned in the previous post) but we got over it quickly. i trust her more than basically anyone and we tell each other basically everything. so, at the end of the summer she is talking to me about the friend that cancelled on me, and she tells me that it completely slipped her mind until now, but the friend that cancelled on me went and trashed talked me to her (the friend i was talking to) and some of their other friends (the 3 friendships that ended that i mentioned in the previous post, its these 3 girls) about me only talking to her as a gay person. like she was upset that i was only reaching out because i needed to talk about a situation and she was one of the gay people i knew to talk about it? i was honestly baffled because, what??? like she wanted to talk to me about things other than my crush, but she genuinely did not reach out to me ONCE the whole summer. like the entirety of out 4 month break from school and she didnt reach out once? what do you mean you want to talk to me about other things and hangout with me outside of that context, you clearly dont? it enraged me honestly so much. i took her off of my followers on my spam account and i swore off contact with her for a while. i just cannot believe the audacity of that. but time goes on, we all go back to school, i move back to my city and start up with school again. this was something that happened in april of 2024, but i was in a trio of friends and it kinda fell apart. we were all going to live together this year, than the other two girls went and signed a lease for just the two of them without letting me know (this was a big deal at the time and it also made me really upset but its chill now). then, those two girls who were living together started fighting, because me and one of the girls started getting closer because we both watched wbb. we also both found some of the players rlly hot, which we also bonded over. the other girl did not like this (bc shes a lesbian but lowkey is very biphobic but thats a diff convo to have) and she ended up unloading all of it on the other friend all at once. it caused a LOT of problems between the three of us and it was really awk for a while, but it kinds sorted itself out with time. But then this school year started.

[odette-at-dawn]

-friends pt.1-

ive been having a lot of issues with friends in this past year. at the start of 2024, 2 of my long term friends (im talking 8 years atp) fought with me about something that, to this day, i believe was so stupid. i was able to quickly make up with one of them, but the other seemed to just not want to be friends anymore. which is fine ig, but it still hurt a lot especially with the things she said about me. that second friend then went and complained about me to our mutual friends, which is fine i totally get that, who then went and raged to our other friends about how terrible i was being. so that whole situation, that was completely blown out of proportion, lost me 3 friendships that i'd had for 7/8 years. great start to the year. then, my best friend who i love dearly, started talking to this new guy. it was really good, but it was all she would talk about. it wasnt that big of a deal, just annoying because we no longer live in the same city so we dont get to talk as much as we used to, so when all we talk about is the new guy shes talking to, it got annoying. but it wasnt bad until the week of her graduation, where i was back in our hometown for it, and the guy she was talking to came out for it. he lived in a different city a while away so it was a big deal. it was cute, seeing them interact a lot and seeing her so happy. but i spent that whole week of her graduation at her house, helping her get ready, being there to support her, going to the many events she had planned for her, hanging out with her family more than mine, hanging out with her entire extended family and meeting them all. it was a lot, but i was happy to do it. but, at one of these events, someone (her friend who was friends with the guy she was talking to) wanted to go into the city and i was volun-told to drive him in. i was like fine, but as long as you (my best friend) or him (the guy she was talking to) came with. because it was a 30 min drive into the city and i do not know him very well. the guy said yes, but then my best friend said no because it was her party and she couldnt just leave. then the guy she was talking to said no because she wasnt leaving. then, my best friend was like, wait, my cousin has subworffers in his car and it would be sick to drive with that. so she went and asked him if he could drive. i was chill with that because then i didnt have to drive. my car is big, so it fits 7 people (including the driver) in it, which would have been enough to fit everyone who wanted to come. but her cousins car only fit 5 people. so, i was asked to stay behind. that made me so upset. because i felt like i was doing so much for her for her graduation, which i was more than happy to do, but to get tossed to the side like that? for a guy she met a few months back? over her best friend? it actually really broke my heart tbh. so her (my best friend), the guy she was talking to, his friend, her cousin, and her cousins gf all went into the city while i was left at her house, without her there, hanging out with her extended family. this problem was made worse by the fact that i was moving into the countryside at the end of june (living out there for july and august) for work (at this point in time it was late may/early june) and i was spending an entire week with her (i slept over at her house 4/7 days of that week and spent 6/7 days at her house or with her) when i hadnt seen my parents in 4 months and wouldnt see them for most of july and august bc of work. it hurt me a lot that she was basically ignoring what i was doing for her. i feel like im sounding very self-centered in this, which im not trying ot be, but it hurt a lot to see her choose these other people over me. so when this happened, i sat in my car for close to an hour crying because of it. when i went back inside, i chatted with her mom about it, and her mom scolded her when she got back, because she was gone from her party for close to 2 hours. my best friend apologized about it, which i really appreciated, but it still hurt.