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The "I have 28 kids in my third grade class" cocktail

Three fingers of bourbon

A splash of rum (amount depends on proximity to EOC exams)

Pour over ice and fill the glass with Dr. Pepper, coke, or any other soda of your choosing. Try not to cry in your drink when thinking about the holidays ending.

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I like ballet because on the surface it's all gracefully gliding ballerinas in glitzy tutus.

But underneath it's bloody feet, strained muscles, and cigarette breaks.

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Cow-tipping

Just a few things to remember if you decide to tip over cows. Don't get too drunk before you go. Maybe bring a flashlight. Check to make sure there are actually cows in the pasture. Maybe wear pants instead of shorts.

Otherwise you end up stumbling around in the dark being followed by a bunch of confused horses and waking up with a lot of mystery scratches on your shins.

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Weird compliments I've gotten:

You know Sally from the Nightmare Before Christmas? Your legs look just like hers.

(sun hits my eye) Random Girl: Do you wear colored contacts?

Me: no

RG whispers: creepy

Me: thanks

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Too comfy

You ever wear something really soft (like a sweater) and suddenly there's a little kid attached to you? They've planted their face and hands on it, rubbing against it like a cat. And you just kinda stand there accepting the inevitability that there will be snot, snack, and possibly drool left behind.

Guess who's doing laundry?

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Preschoolers

I worked with pre-K at a summer camp this year and my absolute favorite was the little boy with a really adorable Bulgarian accent. He rolls his Rs so hard. And the compliments he gave were the best. So here a few:

- Your hair smells like jello.

- You have princess hair. Why is so big?

- So soft. (Said while scrunching up a fistful of my hair in his hand.)

- Where are your glasses? You look better with your glasses.

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Oblivious

You know that clueless idiot that never gets the hint in movies and books? The really annoyingly stupid one that has no idea what’s going on? Turns out that I am that idiot. 

There was this guy I went to school with that would (very obviously) drop his pencil in front of where ever I was sitting, turn around, bend over, and pick it up. Everyone would laugh and I would roll my eyes and wait for him to go annoy someone else. He did it a lot. 

Skip ahead a couple of years and my mom tells me that he had a crush on me. (She found out from his best friend’s mom. I’m from a small town. Everyone knows everything about everyone.) I’m just like WTF???!? Like what? That was his version of the bend and snap?? That was how he flirted?

He literally stuck his ass in my face. And you know what?

I still don’t believe it.