ohinfertileme-blog

[ohinfertileme-blog]

Words I would use to describe this journey:

Heartbreaking, alone, unfair, unjust, sad, devastating, terrible, horrible, nightmare, dehumanizing, dewomanizing, lonely, isolating.

Mostly just really, really unfair

[ohinfertileme-blog]

Another month, another BFN. This is our first IUI cycle and it’s looking like it failed. I am so tired of this feeling.

[ohinfertileme-blog]

[ohinfertileme-blog]

Dear @taylorswift,

Thank You. I know this song is intended for those who have a loved one facing a serious illness, but it has helped so much in my infertility journey.

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for about a year and a half. We currently are on our first cycle of IUI, but the chances of it working are low. However, we don’t have insurance coverage for IVF so we are hopeful that since our numbers are great, we will be one of the lucky ones to conceive using IUI. 

I’m the kind of person who communicates my emotions through music. I love putting a song on and asking others to listen to the words so I can express how I feel without needing to talk. Not surprisingly, no one writes songs about infertility.

When your album first came out, I was listening to it all the way through on my way to our fertility clinic at 7 am for a monitoring appointment.  This song came on.

The first verse had me sobbing (I was also on a lot of extra hormones so, to be fair, everything made me cry).  The lyric “Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you. Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too” gives me goosebumps every time I listen to it, even though I listen to it 10+ times a day. I picture my husband tapping his leg nervously in the waiting room while going through testing when I hear “In doctor’s office lighting, I didn’t tell you I was scared. That was the first time we were there.” Although I’m hopeful this isn’t true, but my heart aches when you sing “I know I’ll never get it, there’s not a day that I won’t try.”

This journey is so lonely and scary. Even with insurance coverage, we are draining our savings, and we have no further coverage if this does not work. Feeling like you have no control over your own body when you want something more than you’ve ever wanted anything is so hard. I feel broken; sometimes I feel like less of a woman. I want to be a mom so bad, why is this happening to me?

Anyways, I’m sure this song touched so many people who are going through what you are going through with your mother.  But I wanted to let you know that it is helping me too in an entirely different journey of life. 

So thank you. I am forever your fan <3

[ohinfertileme-blog]

Glad I’m not the only one pulling negative pregnancy tests out of the trash can JUST TO TRIPLE CHECK…

[ohinfertileme-blog]

I’m here!

My name is Jess. I’m 28-years-old and I live in Maryland with my husband and our zoo of animals (Gunner the German Shepherd and our cats Louie, Cub and Shakira).  We have been trying for a baby for about a year and a half and are navigating life with unexplained infertility. I have been blogging on another platform but decided to move my posts over to Tumblr. So here I am! 

[ohinfertileme-blog]

A Letter To My Infertile Self

I never thought we’d be here. Each cycle is harder, each arrival of my period is more painful and each stark white pregnancy test is more heartbreaking than the last. In the hard moments, this is what I wish I could have told myself:

When you thought you’d get pregnant within the first three months. I’m so sorry your naive heart is about to be broken.

When your friends told you that they were surprised you weren’t more upset as each month went past and you told them “I’m sure if we aren’t pregnant by cycle 6 then it’ll really hit me.” 6 was a hard number, but not as hard as 10, or 12, or 15…Brace yourself.

When you stressed so much about every hundredth of a degree in temperature shift on your BBT chart, worrying so much that you actually caused your period to come late due to overwhelming anxiety. Your temperature is just going to tell you WHEN ovulation happens; whether or not you take it, you will still ovulate. Stop letting it consume you. Breathe.

When everyone at Christmas expected a pregnancy announcement like all of the cute YouTube videos. I’m so sorry. Hold your husband’s hand tight to fight back the tears. It will be okay.

When someone got pregnant by “accident.” Just because it isn’t happening for you does not mean others don’t deserve to get pregnant. Protect you heart a little extra when browsing social media.

When someone tells you, “I’m sure it’ll happen as soon as you relax, stress isn’t going to help. Maybe take a vacation and you’ll get pregnant there.” It’s okay, you can punch them.

When someone tells you, “It will happen when it’s supposed to.” You ARE supposed to be a mom. You can punch them harder than the last person.

When you went to that birthday party and someone announced their second unplanned pregnancy and you had to run out of the building and sob on the side of the road. Don’t feel guilty for these feelings. You can be happy for someone and be devastated at the same time.

When you sat in the waiting room of the fertility clinic waiting to meet with the RE for the first time. Hold your husband’s hand a bit harder. This is scary for him too.

When you second guess everything you do and how it effects your fertility. It is important to lose weight, eat healthy and maintain low stress levels. But this is not your fault.

When another male doctor who discusses the facts instead of the aching in your heart is poking around your vagina for your HSG. Breathe in, breathe out. This is quicker than you think.

When your husband is preparing for his semen analysis. Reassure him more often. You are the one who constantly talks about babies, imagine how he will feel if he cannot give that to you. He is so scared.

When you get the “unexplained infertility” diagnosis. It’s okay to be happy and sad about this news. Happy nothing is wrong, sad that there isn’t an easy “fix”. Embrace these emotions, bottling them up will only hurt later.

When you become numb to the process, no longer devastated at the arrival of each period, no longer researching fertility facts for hours, no longer reading the TTC blogs and message boards. Try your best to feel your emotions. Don’t let them consume you, soon you will explode if you keep them inside. You will explode in 3, 2, 1…

When you explode from bottling up your emotions for too long. Cry. Breathe a little, then cry some more. This is hard.

When you take it a bit further and sob on the couch while watching pregnancy announcements on YouTube. STOP. STOP RIGHT NOW.

When you put off starting your IUI’s out of fear they won’t work. You won’t get a baby if you don’t try.

And here we are. This is your last month trying naturally and next month we start our first IUI. You got this. This is scary. But you have a loving husband who supports you unconditionally and a family that is there for you and no matter what, you will be a mother one day. You are strong. You are more than an infertility diagnosis. You are a future mother of one very lucky child.

Sincerely,

Me