okidokigurl

[okidokigurl]

The Pothole Bitches

I started driving school on monday.

And I am the oldest person there other than the instructor. What the single fuck! But it makes sense anyway so it's not the end of the world and its honestly exactly what I expected for the most part. I wish that we didn't have to team up, I understand its easier for him but fuck dude hahaha I wish I could have talked to Dana about it but idk if I would even be that friendly with her by now if she didn't leave. But who knows.

It is a little irritating 'being told' about 'you guys and yo'ure phones' or 'you guys think you know everything you know?' like NO I do not SIR! I'm not a fucking child! It's so weird and demeaning especially considering I always felt like no one takes me seriously as an adult because I cannot drive as if driving and maturity have anything to do with each other! UGh! Whatever

[okidokigurl]

Social exhaustion

I am so tired of having to be around people all the time. Or maybe I feel like I wish it wasn't something that I hated so much/ I really wish that I could a more social person. It always seems to come so naturally to some people and while I know that that isn't necessarily the truth it still feels that way to me; Especially when I'm feeling very self conscience in the moment and I have little control over my emotions cause its starting to seem like maybe I'm not always as in control of my actions/thoughts/words. Like I always find myself chastising myself after almost every social interaction I take part in. Like for example, Yesterday I made a joke about using my pinky finger nail to get calcium powder like "Princess Leia did coke in the 70s". I instantly regretted it, and I don't even know how to dissect the reaction from my peers as I was so instantly embarrassed by myself that I barely even paid attention to their reactions. I don't think they thought ill of me for the joke, but I think maybe I thought they should have?

I really am sick of breaking down every interaction I've had with people everyday. And I know like the answer to that is "Babe, just get some therapy" but like DUDE! I find it so hard to make the phone call to make an appointment. I have no idea what I'm really expected to say. Like it should be obvious why the fuck I'm calling. Why can't the conversation just straight to "Ok Crazy, you can come in next Thursday at 11, see ya there" Why do I have to be like..... IDEK WHAT I BE LIKE! I find being independent and taking care myself so hard sometimes. Or most of the time. Taking care of other people has been the main priority honestly. I've always been the after thought. But Like I've been suffering for a very longtime. I get so much anxiety about things as simple as sending someone a text message or responding to a text message and GOD FOR-FUCKING-BID I have to talk to an old friend I've been wanting to reach out to for YEARS! I lose my damn mind. I'm tired of it but who knows when I'll feel comfortably ever seeking help. I wish it were easier but therapists never respond to emails, there's no way to make an appointment online and those other online services seem really shady, I never know if I should trust them or not! Idfk. idfk.

[okidokigurl]