oldmanyellsatclouds

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

2024 has felt very much like a year of stagnation, BUT i have realized that this year has also been the year where I embraced doing things the way i want to do them regardless of whether it’s efficient/quick/perceived as the right way to do things.

Small inconsequential realization i had while refusing to use the push shovel to shovel the driveway. More energy efficient doesn’t mean overall best. I prefer chipping away at large tasks rather than getting overwhelmed by unmanageable (to me) tools. I shy away from work that requires many steps of preparation and managing of tools (like sewing or using a press for printing), but have no problem putting in tedious continuous labour to compensate (like knitting or hand printing with a spoon). This is something i’ve long known about myself but I’m better accepting of it now. Unless you’re paying me a livable hourly wage for my work, I’ll do things the way that’s more manageable for me, even if it’s slower or more tiring work.

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

Can’t even concentrate enough to read fanfic these days. Most of the time, if nothing else I’ll still be able to lose myself in fanfic.

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

I want to cook lasagna noodles, then rub the hot noodle over butter and nomnombhjngnnobjnnkn gobble it down. Plain pasta is like a rubber toy you can eat and I’m hungry and need enrichment

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

I miss smash club/off wut

It felt like having 30 older and cooler sisters/siblings that I tried and failed to emulate, but at least I could pretend I did. And then I got to see all the drama and infighting too, and not be part of it because I wasn’t important enough, thank god😂

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

Thoughts on the fact that someone out there wants to fuck you, no matter how undesirable you feel/think you are. Is that… intellectually I understand this to probably be true. But from the perspective of how i experience attraction*, it sounds very fake. And also no one ever approaches me for sex so it feels fake. Like people are out there fucking left and right but I’ve like… essentially never been propositioned outside of being near blackout drunk alone at a bar and some guy trying to take advantage of that and bring me home. Maybe I just project such strong Does Not Fuck vibes that no one who’s interested ever approaches me? Idk I’m confused about it. Not by the concept of someone being attracted to me, but by how getting into a situation where fucking happens, happens. Am I missing the signals? How am I supposed to respond to them?

Anyways the point is moot because I don’t encounter people anymore at this point in my life. But the question remains. Like as far as I’m aware I think I might have been propositioned once twice? in my entire 5 years of undergrad? Anyways

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

[screams IWANTAFANCYFOUNTAINPEN into the void]

It’s fine though. I’m fine. I’m being good. Not spending. Looking for a shitty job that will treat me like trash because I’m not qualified for anything else.

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

Need to figure out how to leave situations before I’m I start stretching my limit and start destroying all my relationships

Becoming exceedingly clear that I’ve been stretching my limits for so long that I don’t know how to recognize their regular edges

I am fucking poured from liquid shame, I’m so deeply entrenched in hyper vigilance and moral perfectionism and self policing, and when I’m exhausted and overstimulated and out-socialed I can’t curb my visceral reactions and flinches and deep deep discomfort at other peoples behaviours that I would police in myself

I am a deeply unpleasant person

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

Desperately need to learn how to exist in this world

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

Who wants to be my life partner

We can try to convince my parents to sell us the lot by my town and then we can build ourselves a nice little home on 2 acres of land

We can cuddle n stuff. Even open to sex if that vibes. Not essential

Who wants to be on my team and then I can be on your team. We can get go swimming in the lake in the summer

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

How dare planner season have the audacity to drag me down with it. This is the stupidest thing for me to be stressed about considering I don’t plan and already have plenty of notebooks,

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

It’s like I just discovered retail therapy and YouTube and now my world is all topsy turvy. Never used to deal with the big empty this way and so this is all very new to me. Dangerous

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

How do you know if you’re depressed? Like… I genuinely don’t know.

My mood isn’t terrible, I can experience contentment and bouts of joy, but I’m entirely aimless, haven’t had any sort of ambition to speak of, could spend my days reading fanfic and watching YouTube videos, and before I know it 5 years would have passed and I wouldn’t have experienced a single emotion that was mine.

I feel like I’ve been mentally ill at least since I graduated highschool, but it was always more of an obvious thing. Unstable, highs and lows, and even the emptiness was very potent, like a numbness that ate at me. Then the last time I got on antidepressants it was after I had like a weeklong breakdown that I’m pretty sure was an autistic thing, but triggered by life situations.

Now I’m just blank and not altogether too fussed about it, except that it’s a huge deterrent to actually yknow… living my life.

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

Me: *drinks a single beer and proceeds to glow red like I have a fresh sunburn*

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

[oldmanyellsatclouds]

How do y’all survive the wait time for things to dry. I’m so bad at waiting 🥲 finally got my Taroko Enigma notebook in the mail this morning, so I’m swatching everything all over again.