oldtimeybitches - Tumblr blog

[oldtimeybitches]

Charles, I swear to God, if these highlights don't come out PERFECTLY I am going to toss that bowl of bleach right in your ugly face!

[oldtimeybitches]

By all means, Mr. Johnson, check over my calculations. I know how you always say you can't trust the work of a woman.

I feel I should tell you though, you're reading those tables upside down, dumbass.

[oldtimeybitches]

I hear what you're saying, Vanessa, but if those rabbits knew how good this coat looks on me now, I'm sure they would have given their consent. 

[oldtimeybitches]

Elizabeth, Dear, there's no need for you to get upset. I only meant that if you refrained from sharing your opinion so much, people would find you considerably more likable. There's nothing wrong with keeping quiet.

[oldtimeybitches]

Be honest. It's not too much, is it?

[oldtimeybitches]

Oh you didn't get any gifts for Valentines Day? Here, you can have one of mine- I have plenty.

[oldtimeybitches]

That Adele sounds lovely, but she's a little fat, no?

[oldtimeybitches]

"Yes! Yes, that's good. Now write, "Meet me in the woods behind your house at dawn tomorrow so I can properly proclaim my love to you. Forever Yours, John.'"'

"Oh, Sarah, you're bad!"

[oldtimeybitches]

[oldtimeybitches]

Who touched my lute? Timmy? Billy, was it you? You know this is off-limits! Mommy is NOT fucking around!

[oldtimeybitches]

[oldtimeybitches]

Harold, get in here, you gotta see this! The neighbor kid just fell off a ladder and he's cryyyyyyying.

That's what you get for walking through my garden, you little shit!

[oldtimeybitches]

[oldtimeybitches]

It's okay, Lisa, we've all been stood up once or twice- it happens. I mean, it's never happened to ME but you know, it happens to brunettes. 

[oldtimeybitches]

Oh my GOD Mr. & Mrs. Jefferson when are you getting baaaack?! I literally can not hold your dumb kid anymore. I think he shit in this blanket and I am seriously going to throw up all over your ugly stone couch.

[oldtimeybitches]

Oh honey, no. The invitation clearly says "Black Tie", not "Black Death".

[oldtimeybitches]

I swear to God, Kelly, if you don't quit whining about your chores, I will shove this rake so far up your ass you'll be spitting out weeds.