oliverallover

[oliverallover]

Your eyes

Drifting along

My curves

Hands slipping

Up my legs

Fingers curled

And clawing

Swallowing heavy

And kissing me

Wrapped legs

Around my waist

Sweat beading

On my face

You gasp

I moan

You feel

Like home

Inside

[oliverallover]

A dull ache is all that's left behind now

The pain subsided slowly as I got further away from the time we claimed together

A new feeling started to swirl

Around in the ether inside of me, starting as a seed I planted in hopes of growing

Growing away

Growing up

The roots crawled and creeped around my organs

As I replaced the cells you touched

And started to feel at home in my new skin

Something started pushing through my chest

As I mended the bones of my ribcage from the hole you punched on your way to my heart

I pulled it away from you still beating and held it so softly in my hands

Softer than you ever did

And I whispered sweet words to it while I watched it grow and heal before sealing it back where it goes

I plugged the hole with the kind words of my friends, still holding on in this life with me despite everything

Something itched at the back of my throat

As I stopped tripping over my words, stopped fearing the confrontation so necessary for change

Something blooms from my mouth

The words "I love you"

Meant for myself, for once.

[oliverallover]

Finding out you died was no surprise to me

No tears came to my eyes

There was no pain

I have already mourned you

From softer years to when the world fell down on us and we had each other

And your last abandonment

I know you had your demons

You weren't willing to walk away from

But the world deserved a better you

Your children deserved a better you

I'm sorry you couldn't see that

I'm sorry you lived so close to death

All the while failing to convince me you didnt

I mourn you still

But softer

I mourn the moments that never were

I mourn for your children who will live as we did

Hopeless

Fleeting

[oliverallover]

My friend died today

An hour ago

His whole apartment up in smoke, nodding himself to sleep with a lit cigarette between his lips

As ive seen him do so many times before

I wonder how quickly it took that one ember to catch the canvas's of all his paintings

Or paint covered clothing

I wonder if he knew what was going on

I hope he didnt

I hope he died peacefully, breathing in smoke while he slept sitting up in his living room

I hope the fire was put out before the flames ever managed to reach him

Im going to miss him alot, he was a good friend to me.

[oliverallover]

You really think for one second I believe any lie that comes from your curled crooked lips

Snarling as you rake your claws across the last of my sanity

Full house up here, i can help after Christmas

As if id accept help from the fallen god who slumbers with sin and sickness

Writhing in pain and hacking out black tar from your lungs

Spitting garbage and rancid sewage from your mouth that you twist into criticisms and false promises of intellect

You have no control here, old man

May the cancers growing inside you remind you of your mistakes

I hope you come to regret raising your fist to me

[oliverallover]

I could talk about how clear the sky is when Im with you

How on even the bad days

When my mind is trapped in a fog, your voice pierces the thick tendrils, dissipating the mist

I could tell people that you drag the clouds away from the sunlight for me so that I can stay warm in its rays

I could tell them how soft you hold me

Or how safe your soul feels

I could tell them how it feels like ive known you in many lives

How ive loved you for almost a quarter of this one

I want to show you how the way you make me feel makes me a better man

How you make me want to get up in the morning

How the air feels less heavy to inhale if youre sharing it with me

Im going to show you how beautiful you have made my world

One day at a time, forever.

[oliverallover]

One day in a few years

Im going to wake up next to you, early in the morning

The light will be streaming in through our curtains the way I like

Our animals will be sleeping at our feet, keeping us warm

Im going to get up and make some breakfast with eggs from our chickens and bread that I baked myself

Ill bring it in to you with a smile on my face as you grumpily wake up to my gesture

Ill spend the day taking care of things around the house, listening to my favorite music and checking in with you whenever I get the chance

And then ill sit down for a second and a thought will linger for a second too long

Ill remember being so unstable, so upset with my daily life and it will feel funny wont it?

How silly of me to think being with you was impossible

How foolish to think i couldnt get better

[oliverallover]

I see the way your mouth turns when youre around me

You dont have to pretend you love me anymore

[oliverallover]

I fucking miss you man why the fuck wont you message me im so sick of the games im just tryna love you ive never fucking loved anyone like ive loved you and i dont care if its pathetic id do fucking anything for you. How could you do me like that

[oliverallover]

Salty air graces my lungs as i inhale the coastal breeze

It is summer and the last icy tendrils of winter have finally thawed from my limbs

My muscles rejoice as i sprint through the sand and splash into the cold ocean water

I do not mind the offhand glances i recieve from the strangers around me, so curious about the battle scars that stretch across my chest

It is the first time they have seen the sun

The salt crusts along my body as i lay in the sun, napping as the waves crash only yards away

Of all the times ive rejoined the love of my life, this time she welcomed me home with open arms as the man ive finally become

Her gentle waves lapping over my chest like a million kisses

The summer will save me again

[oliverallover]

I am not the boy you left behind

My legs planted firmly on the ground you tried so hard to crumble beneath me

I am not the one who has wronged

Mathematic precision of manipulation and spiraling thoughts on the razors edge

Gaurded and secretive, cant allow anyone in

Theyd see how empty you are

The facade you present cracks like eggshells under my gaze now

Its hard to lie when I expect nothing less

I am not the same as I once was

My trust has sunk further, the walls ive built to protect me are 50 stories up

So high not even my friends can reach me anymore

You took away my sense of feeling

Not that I am scared of getting hurt again

Its so much harder to feel when youve come to the realization of lifes impermanence

Its monotony and boredom

The same, day in and day out

You creep in the shadows with heavy, swollen feet and plunge the needles deeper than any warmth has ever reached

I know youre tired of freezing

Im sorry that i cant be your home anymore.

[oliverallover]

CONSUME CONSUME

REAP THE DAMNED AND BE REDEEMED

[oliverallover]

You laying there on the asphalt

Sends shards through my stomach

Ripping the fabric of my existence

Mouth agape, pale faced and empty eyes

Hand reached out in a permanent claw

I felt your soul leave from yards away

Running fast, towards you

Pavement crumbling and giving way beneath me

Revealing water below me

Sprinting, heaving, swimming towards you

Holding my breath and trying to stay afloat

Moments away from touching you i wake up in a cold sweat

Flashes of your pale face haunting my memory, every time i close my eyes

My stomach has been a pit for weeks and no sustenance can fill me

My mind has been a void too strong to melt away

I feel your time slowly emptying from the hourglass

Youve no idea the magnitude of your loss

Youve no idea the person this pain will make me

[oliverallover]

Ive been "getting stable" for about 3 years now, i started as a 18 year old fresh out of alternative high school, and moved to a new state with the help of my parents and friends. Ever since then ive been is so many ridiculous, traumatic, and testing situations like; being involved with a master manipulator who attempted to destroy my life, being broken into and robbed twice, being mugged, witnessing death, pet death, losing 3 friends to suicide and 2 to other causes. I lost a relationship with my sibling due to drug use and manipulation, and moved 4 times into a new apartment. Ive had 8 jobs, and ive hated every single one of them, and still. Every day i wake up and try to make my life better. My life has gotten exponentially better, i dont go hungry most nights, i dont cry myself to sleep anymore. I still have nightmares. Sometimes my nightmares are me trapped in the corner of a room, surrounded by the people i love, and nobodys talking to me. I try to interacts but its like theres an invisible barrier and nobody can hear me. Just because the traumatic situation is over doesnt mean everything is okay. I was in a really dark place 2 years ago, hell even last year even though things were slowly getting better. Healing takes time.

[oliverallover]

Im so fucking tired of wasting my life.

I need to get out of here, i need to get a better job, i need to put myself through college.

I need to move away and do things for myself

I need to get whatever is going on with my body and brain figured out

I need to stop doing drugs and stsrt tresting my body better

And im starting with today

[oliverallover]

Nothing kills the urges anymore

I feel cold and distant

The cord tethering me to reality is severed nightly

The darkness spills in, oozing thick black ectoplasm all over the walls inside

I stand under the showerhead, spitting scorching streams down my back

I envision the hot water to be blood spilling from my pores, running down my legs and into the drain

I hear nothing but my heartbeat, pounding in my ears

The drum beat further distorts the plane

The walls vibrate and melt away and suddenly i am on the floor

Staring

An empty gaze, my thoughts spiraling into half fragments and shattered pieces behind my eyes

The drum beat echoing in my ears

[oliverallover]

I know im destined to be the soft boy you leave behind

The one who writes instead of speaks and spends too much time inside his head

Overcalculating every missed oppurtunity and overthinking every gesture

I am too much and too little