onceadaythoughts

[onceadaythoughts]

5/29/19, sunday 3:44pm

it’s the sunday during memorial day weekend, so it feels like everything is moving slower

but ive had a eventful last few days by myself since jojo is away so here is a slice of it

fri- worked as normal but helped out with a fulbright end of year reception so worked til 8:30 and got to stand on a rooftop deck clutching a cup of wine and some bread so it definitely had its perks. i was possibly going to hang out w/ brady and izzy but they bailed and asido texted me about meeting him out on u st but it was like hours later and i knew that i was gonna be too tired to go at that point so i never ended up going (plus bailing on him 3 times in a row will hopefully give the hint that im over this and don’t want to hang out anymore)

sat- woken up and made myself a bagel and cofee, went on a small adventure/journey to some memorials- had a beer by the water near the MLK memorial and then wandered around the roosevelt memorial, walked to the national mall and had ice cream and read in the grass under a tree for a bit, then suprisingly made plans w thiago so i went to the rocket bar first, had a brief drink, then took the metro to colombia heights. hung out w/ thaigo for literally an hour exactly lollll i checked after and i was like very brief, def not there to hang out (but it was fun? we smoked a spliff and hooked up, i like his sense of humor which im pleasantly reminded of and i literally got a high five after so it felt like something was accomplished) but all i have in my mind is the song afternoon delight so i cant take this seriously. but then went home and showered and then met carly for drinks at kingfisher, went to black cat for the concert, left halfway through the opener so she could get pizza, then came back and watched the japanese house be as amazing as usual. then got mcdonalds and walked carly to her house and then walked home. almost went to ten tigers but cover was $20 i bailed on meeting sabrina there and went to bed

sun- woke up early, bussed to melissa’s around 11, we walked to georgetown and ran some errands/shopping at tj max, kiehls, and sephora, then got coffee (melissa got an acai bowl that she didnt end up finishing and like forced onto me) and now bussed home and took a shower and seeing if i will feel like going out later tonight

its like officially summer now bc of the heat and its so weird to be back here during this season. summertime was my first experience of moving/living in dc, so to be here a full year later feels surreal

[onceadaythoughts]

12:24am, 1/23/19 tues night/to morn

feels like new city same shit

i feel trapped in a cycle of my own making, too anxious to change my hair or style or even cook elaborate things due to perceived effort or failure

i just feel like ive been spending money that i dont have, overeating every night, bored of all the clothes i have

trying to smoke less worked for a while but i just feel like shit dipping back into it

i might just be going to get my period soon but i feel like im getting complacent and i want to find things to improve my life and interest me but i haven’t really looked at options

i dread going home after work bc i dont like sitting doing nothing night after night and yet what am i doing to change that

i want to have a full social calendar, i want to make that happen for myself but how??

its cold so i cant wander but thats also my own lack of motivation

plus maybe tension w/ jojo? cant tell if isolated incidents post new year or signs of a larger thing, either way ive been thinking that it would be good if we lived apart again so we have a reason to see each other and things to talk about and not the same routine day in and day out, i think it would help

[onceadaythoughts]

10/9/18- 10:55pm tues night

ahhhh im worried i fucked everything up by submitting my job confirmation and not negotiating first just like blindly clicking and accepting without realizing that the work needed to be done first

i shared this with EVERYOne and havent been thinking just splurging like idk im getting to the familiar point where im like i did too much and didnt think it through

idk we will see how this pans out- its been a weird day and i feel like i have a lot going on 

[onceadaythoughts]

4/2/18 11:31pm

full day/night #1 (out of 30? or who knows) without weed-

its 11:31pm and i want to go to sleep bc its a monday night and i have a full week ahead of me but i am not tired so im just here listening to music laying around

so this is what its like to go to sleep sober

its weird im not craving it yet but i am already noticing how different my routine is without it

anyways tonight i applied to 5 jobs and almost bought a bed on craigslist but it turns out jojo cannot fit a bed or frame in her car so i guess whatever i end up finding i will have to get it delivered to her house somehow??? so thats already more difficult but oh well

[onceadaythoughts]

3/20/18, 7:44pm tues

idk if im just having one of those afternoons where im feeling down or if i’m perpetuating it by listening to sad blues music but idk

i just booked my ticket to dc using my refunds from the trip to mpls that i had to cancel after making this ~life decision~ while also filling out the application for the apartment and seeing the security deposit and applying to 1 internship and im just scared

i know im not doing enough to make myself at least feel like im really trying and ive said it time and time againt hat that’s my #1 fear about going to dc- that i don’t have the motivation in me to actually make myself succeed

i just am so overwhelmed and scared and as excited as i want to be i just feel like i’m going to let myself down by half-assing it and all that

i don’t even want to say any what-ifs about if i don’t succeed because i dont want to even give myself the option, but i think im just really scared for this and it’s slowly building and i just don’t know what’s going to happen or what to expect

i really hope i prove myself wrong, somehow i can only see myself as a passive actor and not someone who make real concrete steps to improve their life and their future? and it’s been this way as along as i can remember, i always put things off or do the bare minimum and i know the only thing stopping me from being one of thsoe people is getting off my ass and DOING it but i cannot??? i have no drive in me to succeed, only the fear of failure, so i feel like i just stay in one place as the future looms larger and larger ahead of me and this isn’t sustainable!!!!

[onceadaythoughts]

2/25/18 9:37pm sun

im incredibly self aware but get in my own way

overprocessing the information and refusal/inability? hesitancy to act

[onceadaythoughts]

2/11/18 9:20pm sunday

lol its dumb that im over here thinking about a boy and waiting for him to text and it’s hinged on so little?? like we’ve messed around twice and thats it and its like a switched has been flipped and now i want to see him more and im thinking about him more and all that

it does show how “like” can grow though?? bc i wasn’t that into it for so long and now i guess i am so idk

idk bro i don’t like thinking about it bc rationally i know its dumb but its like what else do i have to do besides sit around and daydream

my new spot in the hallway at work doesn’t offer me many distractions so i guess this is my life now

[onceadaythoughts]

9/3/17, 3:11 pm sunday

i feel like im waiting for some dramatic moment to happen and to make a change in my life, and i realize that its not going to happen and its on ME to make something out of my life

but i dont have any motivation? i have to push through it but the instant something is too difficult or confusing i’d rather give up then keep going

like last night i had all these plans and had 3 different ideas of things to do but the minute the directions got complicated or i thought i knew how to do it, i gave up, and i didnt make anything out of the night despite thinking about it and planning about it earlier

HOW CAN I MOTIVATE MYSELF BECAUSE CLEARLY NOTHING IS HAPPENING NOW

i need moeny for flights if i really want to see people, and all i do is talk about making plans but when it comes down to it i don’t ever follow through

i dont know whats happening and every day just feels like the day before it and the only escape i have is when i hang out with yvonne but even that feels desperate because i just sit around doing the bare minimum waiting for someone who has their own life and problems to momentarily distract me from mine

i need to get a job in houston, or buckle down and actually fucking apply for shit in DC and make it happen

i could move to austin but i would really have to hustle to make that work, one job just called and asked if i was interested but i would have to save up to move before applying to jobs there? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR WHAT IM GOING TO DO BUT I NEED TO DO SOMETHING

there is nothing happening in my life, and i feel like im on a slowly moving treadmill when i want to be on a feeder road or something like about to get on the highway idk where this metaphor is going but i need to make a change and i need to stop fucking writing about how lazy i am and actually act

[onceadaythoughts]

8/31/17, 5 pm thurs

summer’s over, everyone is at school or in their jobs and i am in houston

i’m sad about being here and frustrated with myself for not caring and moping and it scares me knowing nothing in life is guaranteed or even ends up the way you think it will, everything just seems so chaotic and random and unsure that beginning anything seems so unnecessary and hopeless and not worthwhile

i wish i had a passion that i could expand upon or any sort of direction

[onceadaythoughts]

7/23 11pm sun night

i really hope one day i read these again and laugh and feel happy with where i am

but right now i am mad, im mad about being here and not knowing my next move and feeling trapped but too scared to act on anything

im mad at myself and im mad that im lazy and mad that i feel this way 

[onceadaythoughts]

7/17/17, technically mon 2:09am

today has been so fucking weird??

i woke up alone with everyone still at the lakehouse so i just hung out, made breakfast and listened to music all over the house and just had a slow morning, had some coffee in my room, and then i went to the museum with victoria and her sister and niece which i thought would be awkward but it was in a different way, like we didnt really wait for them and we were two separate art groups even though we met up together. so i feel bad bc that was probably rude but idk i guess sophia and are both impatient

and then idk i feel like shes always scrutinizing me like ive realized that recently like i feel like when we talks i cant look her in the eye or she is staring at like my ear area or on my shirt? idk what that means but she was being joking-rude about me being lazy and never wanting to go anywhere like the lakehouse

but anyways then sophia and i left and got iced coffee at some place named siphon and sat outside and then drove home

then i ended up talking with mom and hanging out and picking up pizza and going to the grocery store with sophia, then watching game of thrones with mom

and to top it all off i was caught getting home at night without telling her i was going out? so i spontaneously went to grand prize with yvonne after we were just hanging out because courtney wanted to meet us, so i hung out there with the two of them and it was pretty fun, but it was weird overall idk like it was weird to be hit on so noticeably and i was very surprised IDK it was weird that is what was weird im really verbalizing my thoughts so i can get to the root of why this whole thing makes me uncomfortable or feel its artificial

and so when i got home at 2 after getting dropped off i had the thought of mom being awake but sure enough i dropped the key which probably was my downfall

when i crept upstairs she opened her door and there it was, i was caught

WHAT A WEIRD CHAIN OF EVENTS IM JUST HIGH AND ITS WEIRD LIKE I KNOW ill have to talk about this tomorrow and i might get in trouble but that later and now im just in my bed reflecting on the night

literally a dude poked me in the arm, did a finger gun and said “youre hot” while walking away? like a 40 year old pudgy bald guy

that happens to people?

[onceadaythoughts]

5:47pm, 7/4/17 tues

thinking more seriously about a career path as a therapist? like its one thought ive always had and thought about again and again

although again its a position of independence, something where i don’t really have coworkers and i am isolated once more

maybe school/training won’t actually be like that but idk

can i just go somewhere new and random for a few years and start a life from nothing and see where i am and then go back to school at 25 or something

i have so much time in my life and the pressure to pick a career path now is really difficult and overwhelming, i feel like there are so many things i don’t know about and i want to either have a deadline or do things at my own leisure because this constant questioning with no end in sight is very disheartening

what would it take to move to austin? if i accepted a job right away? i would have to find somewhere to live?

i also just don’t know the logistics of moving and what it really takes to go somewhere new so idk

someone please airdrop me into a mid-size to large city and see what happens

i’ll be on a reality show, who makes the most of their experience out of a year

****however none of this will make me happy unless i change internally to become more confident and motivated, if i don’t have or push myself towards either of those, i will be the same sedentary self-conscious person which is unnecessary and not helpful to how i’d like my life to be****

the only person that can change your life is YOU

get out there and apply to volunteering jobs or part time jobs or something so that you have human interaction and a reason to leave the house during the days, damn

[onceadaythoughts]

11:02pm 6/11/17 sun night

lmao im so fucking bored and lonely here

knowing im in houston without a clear end in sight is so depressing and ive honestly felt sad and hopeless every single day

and its been such a real difference to how i felt at school, where even if a day was weird i usually never ended the day thinking it was shitty or just being down because i had friends around me and i had a routine and all that

but here it’s just like i come home after this internship and feel sad and yvonne hasn’t texted me in a over week and i know she has a lot going on in her life like a new job and fixing her car so i feel selfish for bothering her but i just need that escape, i can’t be cooped up in this house and hanging out with her means i get to be away from it and smoking and talking and laughing

and i havent smoked in like a week and half and i gave in and texted logan to pick up but he hasn;t gotten back to me, so now i feel like i cant even get any if i wanted to so that is just making me want it more

ughhhhh i just want to be high so fucking badly and not in this house and starting my life

and ive been applying to jobs but its just a few every day, and this internship just drains me and i feel like im not doing anything substantial and interesting i a way that will help me figure out a career path

i know this is normal to feel this way after graduating and especially in todays world its rare to get a job after school but i just feel like all my friends are moving on and i’m sitting at home with so much uncertainty 

and sydney and maddie and mom are all trying to help by telling me to apply here and there and doing this and making contacts but it just feels like so much nagging and it makes me want to not do any of it

i just have been driving around alone all the time to work and during my lunch hour and ive noticed that i havent even been listening to music so i think i associate that with happiness? so ive just been driving quietly everywhere just with this lurking sadness 

ugh it just sucks to feel consistently unhappy in a way that you don’t usually feel and its really depressing... i had a really vivid dream last night that i was riding my bike around and i was happy and i missed that and that i met some nice guy and idk i know i should get involved and be more active but then i cant even bring myself to do that either

[onceadaythoughts]

12:35pm sun morn may 6th?

ok i am drunk and erin made me leave ww2 club so she and samira and crumbs could go to rocky horror and i am mad about that

but today was nicie actually

it looked gray at brunch but the clouds parted and erin julia samira snd i went to noho pride, then i met up with jojo, carole, moly and aroles friends and hung out at her apt and smoked, then went to hillyer at like 3 and di some work

then went to jojos house ad went to walk the dog with caleb an that was fine but weird and i left feeling kind of annoyed

then went to dinner with erin and julia and well technically met them

then went to samiras room and watched neistat something or other youtube videos and then went to a drag show/club thing at ww2 club and it was fun but then eri made me leave bc they ahd to go and they wouldnt let me walk home alone which SUCKS so now im home drunk listening to music and everyones gone to that rocky horror thing that i didnt go to and idk what to do

should i go for a walk or what idk im drunk and just sitting here idk its 12:35pm

[onceadaythoughts]

4/27/17, 10:59pm thurs

semi-eventful nice day worth remembering-

woke up, had 9am class about mental health and women, worked on the foundation research test thing from Mark Carter (also i have the test day at the hotel/resort in a week from now and i have no idea what thats going to be like?? its gonna be a surreal day but im excited to drive an hour out somewhere by myself) but yeah then had lunch at northrop with erin, samira, and jojo, ended up hanging out and going to salvation army with samira and jojo and i finally found stuff?? i feel like ive really never been that successful at a thrift store but i found an ivy day dress (which is why i wanted to go in the first place) so that was a miracle!! and a pair of boys jeans that are high waisted, a work skirt and a weird pair of dark green shorts that remind me of a 1920′s boys boarding school uniform in fit

but yeah then we all came back and we ended up stopping by the cc to an event that had free ice cream sundaes, then molly picked us up from near talbot and we went to gabes and they helped gabe record voice-overs for a project he made. later i was recruited and am now i was in a video as the voice of a waitress. then molly drove us back, jojo and i went to the cc so i could get dinner and we found 2 free slices left in a box left by the OSE, so i got free cold pizza and then we went upstairs, did some work on the seminar paper that is dragging on, then went to caroles and hung out and smoked, which was nice because we hadnt done that in a while and i had been sort of annoyed at carole for lashing out at jojo so i hadnt seen her in a week or so. but then we hung out and it was fun and jojo and i louldy played drunk in love on the ride home so we could relive first year.

so that was the day and i figured i’d document it

[onceadaythoughts]

3/20/17, 11:01pm mon

so spring break is over and everything is crashing down around me and very stressful.... but at least ice melts w/ drake and young thug came out and it is everything (since it was released yesterday) but yeah idk i feel like i have a lot to do and since spring break is over that officially means its the second half of the semester

but the break was better than i thought it would be, i thought it would be lonely bc i was staying at smith but i saw jojo a bunch and spent time with the band and saw sydney at the beginning, had a snow day at gabes and watched inglorious basterds and shoveled snow and had a roast turkey dinner and fleshed out a movie idea for a horror film where a girl is trapped at her dorm over a winter brea, and later in the week i went to boston on st pattys day and sw erin and went to eataly, and a museum and got bubble tea and saw drunk people, then the next day we saw get out and i got carded 4 times in 10 minutes at a very fancy movie theater and then came back sunday

so yeah it was nice. and my bday is this friday and idk what to expect

also i have a big project i have to re-do for class and i have another paper proposal due friday and other class responsibilites and i need to find a job after college and figure out what the fuck i’m doing after college and its all blurring together on my computer screen and i knew this would be a lot but it did not disappoint

[onceadaythoughts]

6:49pm, sat feb 11

wed- woke up late, went to class, hung out and slept over at gabe’s hous ewith molly and jojo bc gabe was away

thurs- found out we had a snow day so stayed inside at gabe’s most of the day, shoveled for the first time and watched shutter island and made pasta and painted our nails and talked and just had such a nice time lounding and doin gnothing, then we went to jojo’s moms house for dinner and picked up pizza on the way, then briefly went to smith to see shana and her friends, then went to carole’s apartment where jojo and carole had an intense argument feelings talk/we went to leave but went to the car and like 5 min later went back inside and smoked and laughed and had a really good time

friday- did nothing all day? basically- later went to landon’s to go to a party but jojo got drunk beforehand at work so i drove there and she later drove home, but it was a pretty good time? the parties were lame but it was still fun, i got drunk enough and talked to new people and was outgoing and smoked too many times, eventually ended up going back to landons and smoking a j at like 4am before jojo drove me home (also 100 days till graduation????? lol what the fuck)

sat- woke up at 10am for galentines brunch and felt like death, but had a good time going to jakes with everyone and then i just hung out in samiras room all day doing nothing and chatting, and now im going to a drag/burlesque show with crumbley, sabbagh and samira and erin so i hope thats fun? so its been a decent couple of days