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[oneaveragehumanbeing]

I'm Terrible at Blogging

    Obviously, it's been awhile since my last post. I've always been terrible at things like this. I could never keep a diary or a journal. I literally forget they exist. I just wanted to say that things, while still tough, have picked up a lot in the past year. I am now married (to Alexander's father and my soul mate, DeWayne) and expecting another little one any day now. Jamison Wayne Johnson is due on September eleventh (lucky kid, huh?) and, so far, it seems he plans to finish the full forty weeks!

   It's pretty scary knowing I'm about to have another child. All of the emotions that come with it are ridiculous. I'm constantly happy, sad, nervous, scared, excited, and guilt ridden. I feel guilty because, I'm so happy and excited about Jamison but, I sometimes think I should still be an emotional wreck over Alexander. I am, by no means, "over it" or anything of that sort but, I suppose I have come to terms. I still have days that I can do nothing but, cry over the fact that my baby is gone and knowing his baby brother will never know him breaks my heart. I also have days where I'm so happy he was even brought into this world in the first place. I do feel so honored and privileged to have had such a happy little boy to call my own.

   The fact that I'm having another little boy also makes me nervous. I'm constantly worried I'll compare them on the daily and, I now that for a short while, I'm sure I will. I mean, Alexander was literally the perfect mixture of DeWayne and I in looks so, we're pretty positive Jamison will look so similar to his big brother. I'll compare how quickly he learns new things and the noises he makes. I know too, though, at some point, everything will be new. Jamison will do things I never saw Alexander do. He will walk, speak, crawl, and so much more. I will wonder if Alexander would have done those things similarly or differently. If they would've sounded alike.

   No one tells you to prepare for something like this because, it's not something you can fathom, let alone prepare for. I think I'm doing pretty well with coping, as is DeWayne. We have each other and getting through the loss of our child together proves to us we can handle anything.

   For the mothers and fathers out there dealing with the loss of a child, you're not alone. Wether you have your significant other or not, YOU'RE NOT ALONE. I know those feelings. The guilt that maybe it was something you did or could have stopped. The nightmares. The days of sadness that meld together. Wishing you could swap places with your child. The permanent "hole" in your heart that you can feel, almost physically. Felling as though no one, not even the other people who have experience the same thing, can understand you. It's hard. Nothing is more difficult. Talk to someone. A counselor, a friend, a family member, anyone. You can be happy again. You can see the sunshine and be happy it's there. I'm not saying having another child will fix it. I learned to love and be happy again BEFORE I got pregnant again. I honestly feel that until you can be happy on your own again, you shouldn't have another child. I'm saying it's the end of the person you were but, it's not the end of you. 

[oneaveragehumanbeing]

Life Unexpected

 Nothing will change a person quite like having a child. Parenthood isn't for everyone but, my boyfriend and I were, and I don't mean to brag, made for it. Now, when a child is born, so are parents. Becoming a "Mommy" or "Daddy" is incredible. For myself, it was as if everything that had happened prior to the moment that beautiful child was birthed, didn't matter. The minute he was placed in my arms, it was like he had been there forever. I still, for the life of me, don't understand what I did before becoming a mother. I'm not sure how I functioned. To have a person, this small, little fragile thing, look up at you so curious and confused, knowing that they will love you no matter what. It's incredible. DeWayne, my boyfriend, and I couldn't have been happier.

 Now, DeWayne and I weren't together very long before we found out I was pregnant. It's very rare these days to find a responsible man, let alone a good and responsible man. That's DeWayne, though. Hard worker, mature, takes care of himself, and is a nice guy. I'm incredibly lucky. We had been together for about, four or five months when we found out I was pregnant. Two months pregnant, to be exact. At nineteen and with a twenty-nine year old whom I hadn't been with that long, this was very frightening. I told him the moment I found out, of course. It was around four in the morning, on a gut feeling, that I even took the test. He was asleep so, he just stared at me for a second and said, "Can we talk about this in the morning?". It was pretty hilarious, actually. His face was a mixture of sleepiness and utter confusion but, when he spoke, his voice was dry, hoarse, and he stuttered a bit. I thought it was funny seeing him try to act tough but, sound like a child. 

 From the word "go", we were both on board. We didn't even hesitate. Abortion? Adoption? Ha! Nope. We knew what we were going to do. We were going to be parents and we were so excited, nervous, scared, but mostly excited. I've always loved children. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I didn't expect it to happen so early but, that was just fine with me. After another six months of agony, on April nineteenth of two thousand twelve, I woke up to find my water had broken. It was so strange  because I was dead asleep and BAM! My heart dropped to my butt and I thought I had peed the bed. Not one of the best experiences. I spent eleven hours in the hospital telling them he would most likely be out by the end of the day. Of course, "all knowing" doctors and nurses said they were going to keep him in until Monday, due to the fact he was five weeks early. I would also like to point out, two weeks before this, he had already hit the "ninth month stage". It was Thursday. THURSDAY. I laughed at them. I was right, though. At nine-thirty the night, I went into full blown labor. No medications to help either, by the way. Thirty minutes and three extreme pushes and there he was. Alexander Todd Johnson. He was just as beautiful as his name. They let me hold him for a moment before taking him to neonatal for test. I wasn't worried though. Especially after my family and friends explained that in the nursery he was already picking his head up, trying to look around and see what was going on. He was just the most amazing little miracle. After four hours, a much needed shower, and switching rooms, we finally got to hold him. DeWayne and I couldn't, and still can't, comprehend how beautiful he was. Six point seven pounds and eighteen inches long. He a healthy newborn. I don't even want to know what he would've been had he been full term. A twelve pound baby coming out of my body? Oh, Lord.

 Three days later, we left the hospital and headed home. It was so strange though. From the moment he was born, he never acted like a true newborn. He was so strong and tough. He knew how to scoot across his crib  by the first week. It was insane. He was just perfect, in every way possible. This was my new beginning. DeWayne's new beginning. We couldn't have been more content in our little family.

 We never would've dreamed how short lived this happiness would be.

[oneaveragehumanbeing]

This is my son. He was born April 19th, 2012 and he passed away from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), August 27th, 2012. Many of my post will be about him and how this affected me and my family.

[oneaveragehumanbeing]

Start.

   I believe this would be called an "introductory" post. I'll give you a few facts about myself but, there's no need to get too detailed. I enjoy coffee, sushi, painting, listening to music, video games, and being with my family, boyfriend, and friends. I screw up occasionally. I want a cuttlefish. 

   I exercise this little thing called, grammar. I also love to spell. Always have. That being said, occasionally I will post what some would refer to as "slang". Get over it.

   I'm friendly so, don't hesitate to speak to me. If you have questions about the stories I post, feel free to ask away.

   Everything I write on here are true stories from my ridiculous life. Some thing's I may talk about could be slightly disturbing to certain people. I will definitely warn you first.

   Now, the final thing I want you to know; The reason I'm doing this.

   I have been through quite a bit in the twenty years I've been here. Quite a bit of wonderful things, horrible things, hilarious things, and so on. If I can help even just one person in any way through this blog, then I will have succeeded. I want people to know they're not alone, they have someone they can talk to who won't judge, and maybe I can help them through something they're going through that I've experienced. Also, I would love to hear people's stories and how they got through some of these.

   That's it. That's all you get to know right now.