onebigbeautifulmessofaperso-blog

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“Loving somebody is not the hard part, it is deciding whether or not you are as good for them as they are for you.

— E. Grin

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As long as she's kind to you, I am glad you found her.

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I *think* I miss you

It's hard to know, I mean how can you miss a stranger.

It helps that for a couple years you were my favorite person and I couldn't get enough of you.

But now, who knows you could feel like a completely different person to me and I to you.

[onebigbeautifulmessofaperso-blog]

The Simpsons (TV Series 1989– )

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Let's not exaggerate . . .

A couple of months ago I saw my psychiatrist and the week before I had seen my therapist. On both ends of my treatment I was doing well, thriving actually I was a fully functioning adult once again. I remember thinking to myself I feel good I only take a pill and a half I doubt that's all that holds me back from the dark abyss that is depression.

So I humored myself, I asked my doctor when do I stop taking medication pretty sure he would tell me a short time frame.

-Well you've taken medication before

- correct

-and you stopped taking it without doctor's consent

-yes....

-and then you entered a depressive state again

-(I mean not immediately) yes

- so you most likely will keep using it until well . . .

I guess what surprised me wasn't that he told me I would need it for a while. The more shocking part to be honest was the simple pointing out of a past example, one I had lived.

Makes you wonder was I always the same kind of sad

[onebigbeautifulmessofaperso-blog]

“I don’t want to have to be the one who mourns everything when everyone else has clearly forgotten. It’s mortifying. It’s mortifying to be the one who remembers.”

— Ryan O’Connell

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“I only know that I know nothing.”

—

Socrates 

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“I felt very tired and vague in the head.”

— Ernest Hemingway

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“I’m always soft for you, that’s the problem. You could come knocking on my door five years from now and I would open my arms wider and say ‘come here, it’s been too long, it felt like home with you.”

—

Azra T.

[onebigbeautifulmessofaperso-blog]

I just don't know anymore

[onebigbeautifulmessofaperso-blog]

I wouldn't say I'm sad, but I am lonely.

[onebigbeautifulmessofaperso-blog]

“I’m always soft for you, that’s the problem. You could come knocking on my door five years from now and I would open my arms wider and say ‘come here, it’s been too long, it felt like home with you.”

— Azra. T

[onebigbeautifulmessofaperso-blog]

I’m pretty sure I’ll never not miss you, there won’t be a time when I don’t yearn for our good days. 

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“Home is no longer where you are. Home is the peace I found in your absence.”

— Lukas W. // Coffee thoughts #134

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“Destruction can be beautiful to some people. Don’t ask me why. It just is. And if they can’t find anything to destroy, they destroy themselves.” - John Knowles

via @quotemadness

[onebigbeautifulmessofaperso-blog]

The part about you.

I didn’t mention it explicitly, but if you remember I had asked you to get a tattoo with me of anything it could have been microscopic 

I remember suggesting a triangle, my favorite shape 

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I was going to write something, most likely about you, I was watching hulu when I got the idea to wsomething and went to get my laptop. Once I had my laptop in my lap I forgot not just what I was going to write, but even why I had gotten up and brought my laptop to bed, I’m writing this in the vain attempt to retrace my steps and job my memory. And much like any other individual has tried in the past I am far from recovering my lost thought. 

GOT IT

Literally just when I gave up I remembered. Anyways its kind of about you but not really. Naturally when I turned 18 and then 19 and then 20 and also living away from home during those ages I saw an opportunity to do things like get a tattoo or do drugs you know all the stuff kids want to do when they see they are finally of age. Drugs were whatever, I had tried them but they aren’t as big of a deal as tattoos. Today my cousin broke up with her boyfriend of five years, they were kind of like us had thought of kids, thought of marriage, thought about how lucky they were (in hindsight that might’ve been just me), and ironically they broke up for a similar reason: respect.

But that’s not what I came here to write. Today she went out to celebrate one of her friends turning twenty one, her friend got a tattoo and she accompanied her. She pretended to get a tattoo, but it was fake. And then it reminded me of not only all the tattoos I had previously expressed interest about, but also the reasons behind them. The tattoos were never too meaningful, well the ones for me were, but there were multiple times were friends and I had discussed getting matching tattoos and I always advocated the hardest for them. I knew even then, but again as you see here every once in a while moments combine to create the same essence and I remember of my idiosyncratic logic. I would always be the first to say yes and the first to suggest ideas, because I always wanted to make my relationships with these people permanent. And in my mind what better way than to brand ourselves, I have a strange fixation on commitment and even in the past when someone has shown to me that they were committed to me and looking out for me I was never 100% sure of them or I doubted it unless there was a concrete display for their claim. My doubt has cost me so much. I know I have a very superficial, fastidious, materialistic, idiotic way to me but I don’t know how to change it. Not yet at least.