onefallafternoon
onefallafternoon
Anemoia
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onefallafternoon · 5 months ago
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thinking about charles lamb and how he lived his life in solitude, seeing visions of children with a wife he never had, in a life he never had. thinking about the life he sacrificed for taking care of his sister, and how love of one form suffocates love of another.
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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kind of circled back to the main problem I had with me wishing for thoughtful gifts selfishly again. I don't think I'll get to play college basketball, this year cause like the team looks like it's filled by the athletic quota guys? anyway I can't compete with them. I like basketball for god knows why. maybe cause my sixth grade phys ed teacher said I was a hard worker and encouraged me? I'm not that good at basketball at best I am mediocre. I have played in school matches, for I guess I scored a point so my shooting skills aren't half bad. and I have played with a bunch of girls from why class and won with a massive slide most of the time which means I'm average with boys idk. I wanted to play for the school team so bad and wanted a jersey of my own for a reason I don't know. maybe to just prove that I wasn't just a robotic memorizer? or just the glory of the school team? maybe cause I want people to watch me and cheer for me or something, but I have wanted that so bad and in a legitimate way too. but I guess I'm out of luck cause this is pretty much the end of my education. I thought, well I'll get at least fifty percent of the happiness if I make a damn jersey myself, which brought me here: what if someone who cared about me made me one without asking or something. cause like fuck that would make me happy for life. but that's such a selfish ask though. as though I am entitled for something thoughtful cause I have done it before. there's also the thing of me somehow knowing it in my heart somehow that it isn't selfish it's normal to want to feel appreciated or something which pisses me off. like I'm lying to myself and someone that isn't there about feeling guilty of being selfish. that probably even IS the case if I'm being honest. and I guess someone who has cared about me enough for a thoughtful gift before has been my sister and I guess she did her best but really a japanese text hoodie wasn't what I would have liked she just seemed to overestimate my liking for anime. either way, I don't wanna feel that way anymore man just lemme go. fuck. I wanna join the basketball team and get a jersey and also the band cause I have this vision of me singing a song about freedom or something with a band and others liking it but oh hell nah I don't think I'm that good at singing which is a true feeling actually.
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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I'm still there.
I'm still there. After all these years, I'm still there. My friends have moved on in life, and I guess that's really awesome. They are starting an actual new chapter in life, whereas I still can't fathom a life without them. They look like they moved on, but I can't even think of moving on. Life fucking sucks, and I wish I could talk to them about it, but I don't know who'll listen to me. I don't know with whom I am that comfortable to share that much and that contributes to not being able to talk. So, I can only hope that I get more friends in college, a fresh start. I am also worried that mixing my one old friend with whom I'm going to college with, with people I have a chance of meeting will go bad, as I feel like I can't devote the attention he needs to him, if we partake in a joint friend group. I hope I can either keep them separate without hurting him, or mix the two friend groups together somehow. As for my hopes about college, I am desperately praying to god to give me the romanticized version of college. I want to be political, as I admire the passion shown by student unions in movies, however I don't know how much of it is true. I want to fall in love, and hopefully it gets returned back. I want to not pretend this time, and say what I truly feel and be what I truly am from the inside. I want to get rid of my feeling that everything that I make can be cashed in for some attention, whether it's the stupid jokes, or the poetry or excerpts I sometimes write so that others would compliment me even though I don't know what I'm writing about. I feel like a fraud, making stuff up as I go, to get the attention I so desperately need. For other lesser things, I hope to get into the basketball team, as I want a jersey of my own so so badly, and a band, so that I could put my ukulele skills to use, maybe relearn the guitar properly and get good at it. Maybe even writing songs of my own. I hope to write the consciousness switching story I have in mind. I hope to say goodbye to my friend, who's moving out of state, properly. Khada hun aaj bhi wahi Ki dil fir bekaraar hai Khada hun aaj bhi wahin Ki tera intezaar hai Chhoo lo jo mujhe tum kabhi Kho na jaun main raat-din Nazaron mein tum ho base
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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everything hurts kind of, and I don't know if this is a usual panic attack or if its a silent one or even that what I usually have is a panic attack cause I can never ask someone can I. I can't even properly find out if I'm making this up I can't even know if I have anxiety and or panic attacks or if I'm just doing to this to grab attention I don't even know if I am doing this to make myself seem like the special little snowflake I want to be what if I'm just fucking doing this bullshit to gaslit myself into thinking that if I have issues I can excuse myself being an asshole and hid from it. I hate that even while the fucking while I type this out I think to myself ' that can't be true haha I am not an asshole something must be wrong with my thoughts I'm not thinking clearly' I hate that I am hiding from everything and that I'm so used to it that I can't even FUCKING DISCERN THE TRUTH FROM THE LIES I hate that at first I started doing the stupid rant on tumblr posts to make myself feel like I am talking to someone and now its just in hope that one day my friends or someone finds this and takes pity on me and think 'oh the poor thing' or whatever I hate that I care enough to not just get my thoughts out but also put a stupid dramatic ending sort of thing to my post rants here so that won't look stupid at the end and that I care about appearances so much that I have somehow never talked to girls before and succeeded in talking to them like a normal person and I hate that I care about that shit so much that I couldn't even make myself talk to or introduce myself to the girl I think I have a crush on cause lets face it I really don't know here whether the crush started when I noticed how kind of pretty she was at like the first week of class or I heard one of the guys teasing her and mentioning that she has a crush on me or something. I hate that I am hopeful. I hate that I think they're talking about me. I hate that it isn't cleared up and when I asked one of the other guys he just laughed and said yes gave me hope and later denied and I hate that I can't even make myself ask the guy who sits next to her if its true. I hate that I spent a whole night thinking what we would do if we were a couple. I probably over fucking romanticized the idea of being a couple and being in love that I can't even separate the person from the delusions anymore and I hate that. I hate that I'm slowly descending into the 500 days of summer guy and that all I have to one up him is an inch in height and that I'm not confident or secure enough, or arrogant enough YET to find fault in others whether it's existent or not. I hate that I practice this one song in ukulele in hopes to sing it as a lullaby to my kid one day or something cause I FUCK OH FUCK I have romanticized that TOO. IM PROBABLY NEVER EVEN GONNA HAVE KIDS WITH THE LUCK I HAVE TALKING TO PEOPLE BUT FUCK CAN I DREAM LONG DISTANCE. BUT I CAN'T HOPE TO FUCKING MAKE A DREAM OF A CAREER? EVERYONE IS DOING THAT SHIT PROBABLY THE GIRL I AM CRUSHING ON TOO AND THE ENTRANCE IS A WEEK AWAY I COULD AT LEAST TRY LIKE MY DAD SAID BUT I CAN'T CAUSE I'M TOO BUSY MOPING THAT THE ONLY GIRL I PROBABLY MADE HAVE A CRUSH ON ME BY BEING A FAKE ASS PERSON WHO MAKES A SELF DEPRECATING OR DICK JOKE EVERY FIFTEEN SECONDS. I.DON'T.EVEN.KNOW.WHY.I'M DOING THAT STILL. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE THAT I HAVE A CRUSH NO NO YEAH I PROBABLY 'FELL IN LOVE' WITH THE GIRL WHO GAVE ME TEN SECONDS OF ATTENTION WHICH WAS UNASKED OR UNPURPOSEFULLY DONE LIKE I DO WITH EVERY GIRL WHO GIVES ME UNWARRANTED ATTENTION. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND THIS IS GONNA FUCKING SOUND SO EMO IN PROBABLY FIVE YEARS I AM GONNA BE FORCED TO LIVE and not even allowed to die. I wanna end this. lets face it theres no other way in my mind and I hope that it doesnt come to that i hope that i am not sounding like one of them dramatic ass motherfuckers but this just. fucking. frustrating. not understand why I do what I do and not understanding why i love the people i love or hate the people i hate. all people have is been nice to me.
they dont deserve this they really dont and here i fucking am thinking whether i am thinking even that cause i have been told that they have by people on multiple occasions or whatever the fuck i don't understand now. this is crazy as fuck. too crazy. too. goddamn. crazy. i didn't deserve this, or i probably fucking did, cause i cant tell if im the god fucking damn good guy or bad or moral grey or whatever the fuck.
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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I get it that people don't have to be the one talking to me first, and that I can do it too. but every fucking time? how am I supposed to even know if I'm the one in the wrong here. I have to, and do accept that people have a life, and have better things to do. but one person. one. am I in the wrong here? I ask myself everyday. I tell myself everyday, "I'm not crazy.....I'm not crazy" and believe it less and less each passing day.
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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the sooner that I realize that I'm the abuser not the victim, that I'm the monster not the prey, the better.
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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it could go horribly wrong, but then again, I'm fucking begging the world for it to go right.
what if it did? what if my terrible self preservation skills weren't the way they are now? what if my hate of myself finally went down? what if I understood that the feelings I feel, isn't something less, just cause all my life, I've been possibly wrongly told that my feelings won't matter unless I'm older, unless I'm more mature? what if I finally stopped thinking that I need a pity factor at LEAST to make it worthwhile their attention? what if I understood and accepted that maybe these are wrong things, or maybe right things that I feel, that maybe I am actually ADHD or Bipolar, first seen when I started to notice too many symptoms, or that I'm probably neither, just striving for attention? what if I got the scenarios, which I wanted to happen to me, and which I started thinking that I will, but only if I did what they wanted, because of the world being a world of give and take? the under the stars date, the watching the rain together, the longing for someone to play a song for me, everything cliche? what if the girl I like just this once, texted me first, instead of it being the one sided uninterested conversation reeking of desperation for validation? hell, what if my own fucking friends texted me first, for anything, that made me feel a little less unwanted?
all these are childish. all of this, is a part I was told that is too dumb. and well, then I guess what I feel is dumb too. every point of me screams random emo phasey teenager, and I hate it. there is no actual fucking way to notice the change, but I have to wait to know if it passes, and just becomes a memory to look back on and think "geez what was I on back then, life was good and I didn't appreciate it!"
is it all I can look forward too? a me, that forgets what I felt now, just cause I'm older? that just cause the problems of adulthood may outweigh these, and that makes them less valid?
well what I feel is fucking painful NOW at least. I hope I don't look back on this and feel that I was just being hormonal. that there was a rhyme or reason to this after all, cause that's what I begging the universe for. all I need right here, right now, is reason.
if this too shall pass, then I hope it passes quickly.
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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you know. there's a real chance I'll go back to who I was, and I don't know if it's good or bad.
like. I hate so much about myself, but I have a lot of things I feel conflicted about that. mostly with the ethicality of them all. I wonder if what I'm doing, seeking attention, is considered as manipulative. or if what I think and feel is just me being spoilt and whiny?
what if what I feel is simply just arrogance showing way?
all these things are bad, whether its the morality of these, or the depressive state of mind one has to be, to experience these, but I coped all these years, treating this as something I have to flush out. something that I have to hide from the face view, and adopt a different character for people to see me as, and I guess I succeeded.
it seems like there are people now who like me. want to be around me. at least the guy who does self deprecating things for attention. maybe they really are just around me so they can get a good laugh at somebody's expense.
now, since I seem to be getting a little bit more comfortable around the world, I guess my need to be the clown is slowly decreasing. but I am starting to notice the difference way too soon for my liking.
people seem to want to avoid me now. they think of me as a fool still, but now, there's no self deprecating joke to counter the stuff the make fun of me or. that seem to make them like me less, like before, that I'm no longer someone they can make fun of without thinking about hurting them, as was before, when I used to show them that me getting hurt didn't matter.
I guess it's back to square one, until the next time I get depressed, and start participating in the endless loop that is my need for validation from the people that reside outside my prison.
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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the sheer longing for someone to talk to me first is really high but it fights a constant war with the desperation to talk to someone and till now, its been 10 - 0 to desperation
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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I hate that my own fucking self worth depends on the attention I get.
it's the middle of the end of term examinations. everyone is busy trying to get their life together. I can't do that, but instead I'm forced by my need and compulsion and stress of wanting to check my messages, everywhere, all the time, desperately begging the world for someone to finally want to talk to me first, and not me going around talking to people like a fucking clown, out for show that my own demons and worth don't matter to me as them listening to me does. I beg myself to stop this hate. that the others are just busy, they don't necessarily hate you. but I am consumed by myself.
I just seem to be scared to death of the fact, that if one day I stopped talking first, I would never talk again, in my life.
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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how bad is that, that I would want to be the person I am to other people.
the only thing I have ever been sure of, was how I wanted to treat people. how I would always show the people that I cared about, that I cared. 
I guess I am referring to back when I stayed up till 3 am making gifts for my friends for christmas after they were sad about not being able to celebrate it because of studies. or that I’m referring to each time I stayed back a little more to turn off the lights in the room when we left for the day, cause I knew one of my friends was afraid of the dark. or the time that I committed a mistake on purpose, so that my friend wouldn’t be alone in facing the consequences.
I....know. 
I know that I shouldn’t expect anything back. that’s what makes a good person they say. that’s what makes a selfless person they say. the fact that I’m typing this right here, right now makes me feel bad, but I have to get it off my chest, somehow someway. 
I know I don’t want to be someone who asks back in return.
but is it that bad? to actually expect the sincerity that I usually show, when it comes to my friends, to be shown in my case too?
is it that bad to actually want to matter, like others matter to me?
I’m not gonna lie, I wish someone did these for me. I wish someone made me presents, just cause I matter to them. I wish someone held a thoughtful gesture towards me, I wish someone would want me to not be alone in pain.
but here I am, having no one to talk to. writing it down as meaningless words, on a meaningless way of communication, as a meaningless way of trying to cope with the absolute horror, that I am me.
each word I write, hits me like I am asking too much.
“you’re being greedy” I say to myself.
“you’re arrogant in wanting that” I say 
“you do things, because you feel the possibility of a reward in the form of attention you desperately seem to want, to cope with your goddamn daddy and mommy issues” I say to myself mockingly.
ah. it’s so pathetic. and I wish I could frame it some other way, a non loser pov way.
it’s.....a confusing world out there. it makes me mad that at every turn, I am told that what I feel doesn’t matter now. it hurt me. it seemed to be like saying that what I feel right now...wasn’t real, and I should just get over myself. wasn’t good enough, and didn’t matter enough. that I didn’t matter enough. 
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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I wonder how long ago I would have given up trying to muster up strength to do it, like I do with my other activities, if suddenly one day breathing became voluntary.
it gets cold these days, lying awake in my bed, unable to wrap the blanket around me, in fear of some unknown thing. my own self destructive body giving me enough anxiety to give me a constant stomachache, it helps sometimes, imagining the fear like some monster, and not myself.
some other monster.
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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The Old Summers
you know, the 2000s summers, they look like heaven man.
peaceful and serene. filled to the brim with the ‘I am bored, there’s nothing to do’ energy. the wind making everything sticky, yet soothing each and every thing.
flying kites. forming a band with your friends, making bad music, and laughing. eating ice cream together. making mixtapes for the special person. pushing a friend in a pool, prank supreme. late night breezes while the window is open and you lie awake in your bed. 
I didn’t feel even half of those, and with each moving second, my breath shallows worrying that I never will, the way they do. 
with each year passing, I stray farther from the things I may never experience in this lifetime, and that chills me to the bone.
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onefallafternoon · 2 years ago
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at the end of the day, the jester laughs alone.
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onefallafternoon · 4 years ago
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To never ever in a lifetime
whenever I read a peaceful book it makes me feel empty
whenever the feeling of just, when a character feels like they want to freeze the moment right then and there I feel a sadness. a longing, to feel the same way.
when you feel at home somewhere, it is for sure the best feeling in the world, they say. they say there's nothing like it. but what if I won't ever feel it? what if its my fate to just never ever feel at home somewhere or with someone?
I do not like this feeling. I do not like it when I encounter a problem I feel I can’t solve.
yet each night I dream. each night, I dream I am on a rooftop of a run down house, looking at the sky and stars. I look beside me and see a person by my side. they look at me and smile. that one smile, warms me to the core. I do not know this person, but I do know the feeling of trust and love. we talk all night, of nothing, and everything.
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onefallafternoon · 4 years ago
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I think part of the reason why we hold so tight is because we fear something so great won’t happen twice
unknown (via hatin)
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