oneletterwrites - Tumblr blog

oneletterwrites · 6 years ago

Text

The Problem with Anxiety and Jealousy

Your love is a beautiful thing, and being able to share that love, and have someone else also experience the beauty that is your love, is a good thing. Right?

Pairing: Polyamsanders in a way, Prinxiety main, Royality, Analogical, Moceit-ish, and some other minor shorts crack pairings thrown in.

Warnings: Hurt comfort, anger, jealousy, angst, swearing, Deceit, anxiety,

AN: It seems a lot of times in polyamsanders fics that things work out really well and there’s not a lot of negative emotions within that are explored. Not to mention most fics have the square of the main four. So here’s an angsty hurt comfort fic of a potential likely scenario.

Also who needs editing? not me and surely not this vent fic

“Polyamory?” The word comes out weird because Virgil has never used it before. He remains as calm as he can watching as Roman nods his head enthusiastically.

“Yeah! It’s basically this idea of many loves!” Roman waves his hands about, looking down at his phone as he talks, probably still looking at whatever had that word in it. Virgil bites his tongue. Having lots of love sounds like it could be good, he needs all the love he can get sometimes, but there’s something in his stomach twisting.

“Like, having more than one love or having just a lot of it?” There’s skepticism in his voice and Roman notices. He drops his phone to the floor and goes to cuddle Virgil to his chest tightly. Virgil goes willingly.

“Well having a lot of love is part of it, but it’s being able to share the love more so,” Roman says and Virgil isn’t too sure Roman really understands what he’s talking about but says nothing on the matter. Roman squeezes him tight.

“Is that something you’re interested in?” Virgil asks though. Roman laughs and shrugs and it settles something in Virgil, just a little.

“Maybe, I just thought it sounded cool.” It’s enough of an answer for now. Roman goes back to lounging on his phone and Virgil does the same. He shakes his head to himself and tries to forget about the unease in his stomach.

They’ve been living together for two years when Virgil gets a text on his way home that Roman has someone over. He twists up his nose at the fact, not sure if he can handle being near any more people in the day, but thankful at the very least that Roman warns him so he’s not walking into a surprise guest.

He’s not sure what he’s expecting but whoever the hell is sitting upside down on his couch with Roman is not it.

“Virge!” Roman flops over and goes to hug him, a gesture Virgil accepts as he meekly waves to the person who is giggling and working on righting themselves to a less headrushing position.

“Virgil this is Patton, he’s part of the theater department.” Roman introduces them. Virgil chokes out a hi and lets Patton do most of the talking, which he does, at length, without taking a breath that Virgil almost gets worried for him.

“Roman talks about you a lot,” Patton winks and bursts into giggles at Roman’s squawk about having his love for Virgil called out on. Virgil snorts though and he’s able to join the conversation with relative ease which he’s pleasantly surprised about. Patton is bubbly and interesting, and he and Roman have plans to hang out more. Virgil doesn’t entirely mind that.

“Patton is coming over! He’s bringing his boyfriend too,” Roman announces. Virgil just shrugs to the thought. He’s got a weird feeling in his stomach and he’s not sure what to do with it. Patton arrives and the feeling mostly disappears. His boyfriend, Declan, is a little obnoxious, but someone Virgil can handle at least for a little while. They play some board games and talk in a circle. Then Patton talks about work.

“Oh yeah and my girlfriend is the cutest, she knows everything about cartoons.” It’s said so simply and casually that Virgil almost misses in entirely. He pauses and stares at the ground wondering if he should ask when Roman does it for him.

“Wait you also have a girlfriend?” Patton nods happily.

“Yep! Well today girlfriend, Emile is a little on the fluid side so it changes,” He shrugs as if it’s no big deal. Declan interjects some snide comment that Patton and Roman laugh off but Virgil feels stuck somewhere, like he missed part of the conversation though he had been sitting with them the whole time.

“Man I totally forgot that was a thing that could happen,” Roman says later on while they’re lying in bed. Virgil hums non committed.

“Like it would be so cool to be able to just, go out and date whoever ya know?” And Virgil knows Roman doesn’t mean it badly or anything rude by it, but he stills turns over and gives Roman a look of confusion. Roman sits up immediately.

“I don’t mean like I’m leaving you!” He rushes out. Virgil flops a little and allows Roman to curl over him.

“Being able to go on dates and see where things go, while coming back home to you and loving you too? Sounds kind of nice.” Roman brushes Virgil’s bangs out his face, something they both know Virgil doesn’t like. Virgil blows up a puff of air to get his hair back in his face and Roman laughs.

“I mean maybe, I guess, I just..” Virgil trails off trying to find the words.

“Am I not like, enough or-?” He’s cut off by a kiss and Roman looking at him sternly.

“I love you, and you are more than enough.” There are more questions burning inside Virgil’s mind. Questions he bites his tongue to.

“I have always had a lot of love to give, and being able to really spread that love sounds kinda nice to me ya know?” Roman says. Virgil curls up into him a little tighter.

“I guess,” He says but he doesn’t really understand. He just knows he feels like throwing up even if he doesn’t understand why.

Virgil likes Patton. As much as he can like anyone who goes out and does party like things and talks a lot and sometimes forgets what a filter is, but he likes him fine. They get along for the most part and it’s not so weird having him over. Declan still weirds him out sometimes but they get along fine too.

“Hey Virge?” Roman presses his head into Virgil from their snuggled up position on the couch. Virgil hums at him, looking at his phone and content in their cuddles.

“I know we haven’t really talked about it in depth but would you be okay if me and Patton went on a date?” Something lurches in Virgil’s chest.

“A date?” He repeats dumbly, trying to figure out if Roman is really asking him what he thinks is being asked.

“Yeah like, Patton told me he likes me the other day and I kind of like him too and I kind of, want to see where that goes?” And Roman sounds so hopeful it hurts.

“Oh,” Is all Virgil can think to say. Roman twists and moves to face Virgil head on.

“I won’t if you don’t want me to. Like I already told Patton that I would need to ask you and he totally understood and wasn’t gunna be mad or upset or anything if you said no,” Roman tells him. Virgil’s inside are on fire.

“I don’t know dude,” He ends up forcing out, and although Roman smiles, and tell hims it’s okay, Virgil can see that sad look in his eyes that kills Virgil inside. Guilt sets in immediately, knowing right then that this is something Roman wants, and Virgil is taking that away from him.

“Maybe, a date, couldn’t hurt, I suppose,” He mumbles and Roman lights up like the sun. He kisses Virgil sweetly and it calms Virgil down just enough to smile back at him and hope this works out.

He’s the only one not surprised when Roman does get home from his date and Virgil feels like dying.

“Ah yes, I’ve heard the term before,” Logan says. Virgil takes the comic that Logan let him borrow and places it open over his face. Logan, an old friend from college that Virgil has been in and out of contact with for the past few years, is tapping on his computer. They are in Logan’s house, doing some relaxing activities together in an attempt to catch up from their last hang out more than half a year ago. It had been going well but in the end, Logan noticed Virgil’s mood and got him to open up about it.

“Does it work?” Is what Virgil asks before he can stop himself. Logan hums and taps on his computer a little bit more, undeterred by the question.

“In theory, yes. It takes a lot of communication and honesty of course. There are many different kinds. Right now you are looking at a very line segment or ‘W’ kind of relationship.” It sounds reasonable but Virgil whines anyway.

“It’s like I think I’m okay with it, but then something happens and I get all fucked up about it.” Virgil comes out of hiding from behind the comic, looking over at Logan sadly. Logan is already looking back at him with an understanding smile.

“It’s not for every one, and it can be difficult, but it can open up new avenues for you too.” Virgil allows those words to sink in then returns to the comic. He feels a little better having talked about it to someone new. He leaves with a promise to see Logan again soon.

He knew it was coming. He could feel it in his bones and still he’s not prepared for it. Roman and Patton have gone on a few dates now, hung out when then can, and spent time together that Virgil didn’t even know he would miss spending with Roman when he was gone. He knew it was coming, but all Virgil can do when Roman tells him that he and Patton are officially a couple, is panic.

He’s curled up on the floor, crying into a blanket with Roman holding him as he cries and cries and he doesn’t even know why he’s crying about this. He’s not entirely sure why it hurts so badly. Roman has reassured and they have talked and talked about this over and over and over. He knows, he understand that Roman loves him, isn’t going to leave him, that they are still very much a couple. But it hurts so bad.

“You can still say no,” Roman whispers to him after he’s tired and quiet. Virgil scrunches up his face and buries himself in his arms.

“I shouldn’t be the one in charge of that though,” He shouldn’t be the one in control of Roman’s life like that. He and Patton are supposed to be equals in this and the decision to end something that makes Roman happy is something he doesn’t want.

Roman tells him to say so if he changes his mind, and Virgil tells him he will. He’s just so confused on why his insides turn when Roman says he’s still going to be with Patton then. He doesn’t know why it hurts.

“I don’t know, I’m just lost by the whole thing,” Virgil has a pillow over his head, mind foggy and voice tired from crying on and off for the past few weeks.

“Well there is no map for this kind of relationship.” Virgil peeks around the pillow at Logan who has a book open in his lap, They are lounging on Logan’s bed. He huffs and fwumps the pillow back over his face.

“I just don’t get it! I love Roman and I adore Patton, and yet the whole thing makes me feel like throwing up. I’m not losing Roman or anything like that and I just, ugh!” Virgil smacks the pillow again to his head. It’s tugged at the corner and Virgil lets it slide across his pouting face to look at Logan.

“Are you jealous?” He asks. Virgil scrunches his face even more.

“About what?”

“Do you wish to be in a relationship with someone else at the same time too?” Virgil looks at the ceiling thinking about that question.

“I don’t think so? I don’t really feel like I need that.” It sounds like a decent answer, one that Logan hums to.

“Perhaps Roman spending time with someone else, regardless of if he was going to spend that time with you, has made you realize that you do not spend your time much else with any one other than Roman.” Virgil takes a deep breath as he processes what Logan has said. When it finally clicks and he understands, Vigil groans and smacks his hands to his face.

“I need more friends,” He whines. Logan snorts.

“You have me.”

It’s the third panic attack he’s had in the month, each one a little harder to get through than the last. Roman holds him but is at a loss for what to do, and being honest Virgil is too. He’s not sure what sets him off, why one minute he’s fine with Roman going out to spend time with Patton and the next he’s trying not to cry. He confused, and so very hurt.

“Virgil please say something,” Roman begs of him. And Virgil just sighs.

“What do you want me to say? I can’t keep throwing my feelings at you like this. I can’t keep taking you away from the things and people that make you happy, but it hurts and I don’t know why.” Virgil rubs at his face and struggles to turn around and face Roman.

“I want this to work, I want to be happy again, but I feel like I’m sinking and I’m losing you and I don’t know what to do.” Virgil hides in his arms. Roman shifts next to him, not quite holding him but certainly pressed up next to him.

“Virgil, I love you, I want you to be happy. I just don’t know how to do that for you anymore,” Roman says. Virgil snorts.

“Yeah me either. This whole thing has made me miserable,” He tries to laugh it off, give Roman something to work with but he knows by the look on Roman’s face it was the wrong thing to say.

“Why didn’t you tell me it makes you unhappy?” There’s a twist, then a stab, straight to Virgil’s gut at the look on Roman’s face. He’s feeling so much right now, anger, sadness, rejected. He’s not sure which emotion to really listen to.

“Because I want this to work Roman, I know this can work. This makes you happy and I like it when you’re happy. It all seems so simple, and I don’t. I don’t know why I’m having so many problems, why all of our problems point to me.” They shift positions again and though Virgil wants all of Roman’s contact and hugs, he can’t handle it right now. He’s not sure what it going on with him.

“Virgil you’re jealous, that’s all this is,” Roman says and Virgil snaps his head to look at him.

“Jealous?” He repeats the word as if he can’t believe it. He’s known this whole time he wasn’t losing Roman or in danger of being left, but the word is fitting and it makes all of him feel so much worse.

“Yeah, of my time and my romantic affection, even time I spend with just friends, you want me to be here for you,” Roman’s voice takes a turn towards angry. Virgil swallows hard and thinks to himself. Guilt comes back to him, realizing how much he’s affected Roman’s ability to go out and be with people, any kind of people. Once more the problems all seem to point to him.

“God what the fuck,” He ends up whispering to himself. He feels Roman place a hand on his leg.

“I don’t want to be this controlling jealous person to you, I really don’t.” He confesses. He just wants to be happy again.

“There are options,” Roman assures him. Virgil can only hope he’s right.

“Dude that’s a great idea,” Remy lowers their sunglasses to peer at Virgil with no small amount of pride. Virgil shrugs but a small smile comes to his face. Logan bumps him with his elbow.

“Like okay I get it not everyone is super accepting of counseling or therapy or whatever, but like, if you’re real having problems then like, fuck yeah go get that help, do that shit whatever,” Remy raises their coffee cup in a cheers motion and then downs half of it.

“Yeah I just, I’ve mention the polyamship thing to you before I think and I just, it’s hitting hard and all of my emotions are out of whack and I thought I was fine and I just, it’s a step ya know?” Virgil rambles but looks at Remy and Logan, both of them nodding along and offering encouraging remarks.

“Listen anything you’re doing for yourself is exactly what fucking Bruce needs to be doing. This lazy ass piece of shit is going through some of the things you are okay but he’s such! A fuck! About it!,” Remy takes Virgil’s hand and squeezes it and Virgil prepares for the rant about one of Remy’s roommates.

“He spends soooo much time on his phone, in the house, complaining about nothing being done, but takes no steps to like, actually do anything to help his mental state ya know?” Remy rolls their eyes, and Virgil snorts. Remy is an even older friend, one he may have less contact with than Logan now a days, but no less someone Virgil can just pick up right where they left off.

“Sure he goes to the gym, but he literally only goes to hit on his trainer who is SUPPOSED to be helping him get out of his lazy funk but nooo, ugh I fucking hate him.” Remy downs the other half of their coffee.

“You have a plan, and you’re looking into a new hobby to keep you busy on your off times, you’re being proactive to yourself,” Logan says. Virgil takes a deep breath and for the first time since this whole thing started, feels much lighter.

Things were supposed to be okay.

“Roman you basically just told me that- that- that this thing you’ve had for like two months, this relationship, this new chance is worth more to you than the past two years we’ve had together.”

Things were going to be okay.

“How else am I supposed to feel about that? You just about gave me an ultimatum that basically put the weight of our entire relationship on my shoulders!”

Things were working on being okay.

“I know I have a lot of issues, and I know all of my jealousy and anxiety and depression doesn’t help but god damn it this is what I was afraid of from the start! That even though I didn’t want the power to take away your relationship with Patton, that one day it would come down to the fact I couldn’t handle it, and that you would chose someone else over me.” Virgil drops his hands to his sides, staring at Roman with anger and frustration.

It was somewhat an accident. Roman hadn’t meant it badly, Virgil knows this, but it hurts. It hurts him so much to know that Roman is willing to give up their relationship, all they’ve been through and all they’ve had, just for the idea of having more. All of Virgil’s feelings of not being good enough are singing they were right in his head.

“I know I haven’t made it easy for you,” Virgil goes on after Roman doesn’t say anything. He hasn’t, he knows this. The anxiety and the clawing for attention that doesn’t really need to be given so much, the need for everything, it’s suffocating. He’s suffocating. He knows this.

“But I thought what we have is more than that.” He feels so worthless. All the struggle he’s been going through, it weighs down on him even more when it seems like Roman just accepted what was going on with no trouble at all. This accidental ultimatum is just another weight. A weight he will feel every time he gets jealous and wants attention, a weight that reminds him there’s a very real possibility he can lose someone important to him.

“I know I’m worth it in some way cause we’re still together, we’re still working things through, but man does it fucking suck to know the thing I was afraid of the most is a much more real possibility.” Virgil brushes angry tears out of his face to glare up at Roman. Roman is looking down, hands tight in front of him.

“I know I think of the worst a lot, and that I end up being more negative than I mean to, and that sure maybe a lot of our problems are now me. But I’m still here because I think you’re worth all this struggle and effort.” Virgil takes a step towards the bedroom, everything hurts.

“I just, want to be worth all that to you too,” He manages to choke out and then turns to go lie in bed. He curls up in his blankets. Throughout the past months of Roman dating Patton, he’s been wishing and wanting things to go back to normal and be like they were. There is no going back to that now and it seems all the problems that were hidden are all on him. Now if he doesn’t ‘fix’ anything, then everything goes away. He’s tired, and exhausted, and his entire existence hurts.

“Hey Virge?” The bed creaks as someone crawls in next to him. Virgil takes a slow breath.

“Yeah?” He asks and his voice shakes from all the crying.

“Can I touch you?” Roman asks softly and Virgil wiggles a little to be closer. Roman lets out a breath and spoons up tight behind him. He holds tight and Virgil curls into the hold.

“I love you, and I want this to work, because you are wroth it,” Roman says after a while. Virgil takes another shaky breath and turns himself around.

“I’m trying Roman, I’m trying because I love you and I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy too,” It’s soft in the darkness of their room. Roman brushes Virgil’s bangs out of his face to look at him.

“Things can get better, I want them to,” Virgil says, trying to convince himself over his negative thoughts that want to tell him it’s not worth it and there is no happy ending.

“They can,” Roman agrees. Virgil hasn’t made this easy, he has a lot of issues, and anxiety, but he’s working on them. He’s willing to accept he has problems and is willing to work through them to be a better person, not just for Roman, but for himself too. He’s holding onto that hope that there is a good ending out there, it’s just going to be really hard to get there.

“I don’t like myself, a lot, I suppose,” Virgil opens up to his counselor. They smile at him reassuringly and wave their hand for him to go on. Virgil grimaces but does that, not before taking another tissues and ripping it in his lap.

“I just, I don’t know when the flying fuck I’ve ever become so much not myself ya know? No you don’t you just met me, but I feel like I’ve always been so sure of me and not needing any one else and then all of the sudden I’m suddenly feeling friendless and fuck all dependent as hell on someone and that just, it’s fucking weird.” Virgil sends a gross face up at his therapist and they laugh softly at him.

“There are plenty of time we feel like we’ve known who we are only for that rug to be metaphorically pulled out from underneath us.” Thomas is a kind person Virgil decides. This kind of thing suits him.

“I’m trying to get better about it, I’ve been going out on my own a lot more now, making my own decisions, and like, I’m here? That’s got to count for something right?” Virgil doesn’t like how desperate he sounds but Thomas puts down his pen to give Virgil a firm look.

“Yes, it does,” He says, and Virgil can’t help it. He puts his head in his hand and cries.

“I’ve been trying so fucking hard. To be like, okay or happy or whatever and it’s just, I’m fucking struggling and I wish it was easier.” He chokes out and blows his nose obnoxiously in a tissue.

“Sometimes the easier path isn’t the best one for us either. Struggling and having problems isn’t good for you, but the fact you’re willing to attempt and try, is admirable on your character as a person.” Thomas pushes the trash can closer and Virgil tosses his dirty pieces in.

“What if my struggle isn’t enough? What if whatever I’m fighting for doesn’t even work out in the end anyway?” Virgil tosses a tissue in the trash can with as much anger and frustration as one can. Thomas hums.

“You’ll know what works for you in the end even if things don’t go the way you want. Problems, as hard as they are, are how we learn to grow and figure out who we are and who we want to be.” Thomas doesn’t say more. Virgil thunks his head to the back of the couch. He’s scared and tired, and can only hope things work out in the end.

“When you first mentioned that you and Roman were starting a polyamorous relationship, I must confess I did get a little excited about the idea.” Logan says after their movie outing. Virgil raises an eyebrow at him.

“Really? You?” He says it jokingly and to prove so he nudges Logan with his elbow. Logan rolls his eyes.

“I have never been one for conventional relationships, my schedule and my self have never been good in being in a monogamous relationship. As proven by majority of my past relations,” Logan holds the door open to a noodle bar. They order food and slide into a booth across from each other to wait for the people behind the counter to bring it out.

“I can not spend as much time with a partner as some would wish for me to in a monogamous relationship. The ‘open style’ I could say has always been more appealing.” Logan rolls his eyes but nods a thank you to the person who bring them their food. Virgil plays with his silly plastic fork.

“Don’t tell me you want to date Roman too,” He says sarcastically but ends up snickering to himself at the look on Logan’s face.

“Roman is.. very much not the kind of person I would be interested in, even on short term. We fight a lot and are better as competitive friends, but thank you.” Logan stabs a noodle and Virgil smiles to himself from around his own food. His mind starts to wander and he swallows down his anxiety.

“Is this a date?” He ends up asking. Logan blinks dumbly at him.

“Is a movie and dinner not classic date activities?” The fact Logan asks so confused is what gets Virgil to start laughing.

“Oh my god,” He exclaims just to himself.

“If you would like this to be considered a date I would not oppose to it,” Logan then tells him. Virgil sighs and stuffs another bit of pasta in his face before answering.

“Yeah, it could be nice.” He offers up a smile and the pleased one he gets back from Logan feels really nice to see.

Virgil should be prepared for this by now, but even still, he’s caught off guard.

“Virgie!” He jumps at the loud call of his name and freezes when Patton throws his arms around him. There’s a little niggling of jealousy in his stomach. He knew Patton was over but it still feels weird.

“Ugh It’s been FOREVER since I’ve seen you,” Patton goes on with that wide smile on his face despite so. Virgil tries to smile.

“Last week?” Virgil questions him but is silenced by giggles and Patton dragging him over to the couch to continue watching the movie that is playing. Virgil settles a little uncomfortably, but shrugs his shoulders as Logan follows in behind him, shutting the door as he does. They sit on the floor with Roman and Patton engrossed in the movie behind them.

“This movie sucks,” Virgil says part way through. Roman gasps.

“Accurate,” Logan comments. Roman gasps again even louder.

“How dare both of you, get out,” He says. Both Logan and Virgil make to stand up but are pushed back to sitting with no small amount of laughter. Things are still difficult and hard to navigate sometimes, but he’s working on it. Virgil rolls his eyes to their antics but there’s a hand on his shoulder than belongs to Roman, and a body pressed up next to him that belong to Logan, and a simple content feeling that belongs all to himself.

#polyamsanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #prinxiety #logan sanders #patton sanders #deceit sanders #royality #analogical #moceit #patmile #just a hint of that though #somewhat open ending?#sanders sides #not hetalia

146 notes · View notes