onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot - Tumblr blog

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

feel ~~~

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

I'm not sorry anymore.

Every night, I'm testing the waters to see how much Valium and wine it takes to not wake up.

Today I slept til 5:35.

So I know I'm getting close.

And I didn't even feel a thing.

How great is it going to be when one day this week I just don't wake up? And you're gonna have to decide what to do with my body, my son, and my dogs.

I'm a problem to you? Fine. I'm about to become the biggest problem of your life.

I promise you will never recover from my death.

You will spend your life forever haunted by me and wondering how you let yourself be so stupid.

Hope the videos of you finger fucking your asshole for some fat ass wannabe were worth it.

I hope you never get a moment of peace after this. I hope you live your whole life with regret while I'm sleeping peacefully in the ground next to my youngest brother.

I hope you can't find the words to tell our son when he asks "why is daddy gone?" And you have to spin some lie for his sake because you don't have the balls to tell him you did it. And this was your fault. Because it is.

All you had to do was pick up the phone. Come over. Hold me. Reassure me.

Instead of just "oh yeah I know we were madly in love just a month ago, but I'm happier now and fucking whoever I want."

I hope it's all worth it to you. I hope all that outweighs the things you've done.

Because all I asked for was reassurance. That you were mine. That we were working on things. Together.

But not anymore. I'm looking for the door out of this place, and I think I've almost found it.

Good luck.

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

I'm sorry that getting wine drunk and playing my guitar is what I think will heal me right now.

I'm just hoping that if I take enough Librium and Valium, I'll hallucinate you through my doorway, sit down on my bed and listen to me.

Maybe if I get drunk enough to scream loud enough you'll hear it across town and come listen anyway.

You were always my biggest fan and I was always so scared of not impressing you, that I made you feel like your voice in my music had no meaning.

I fear that im always just one false chord away from you running into someone else's arms.

But whatever you're doing that anyway I guess.

Hurts less that I called it from the start so I guess this makes this another one of those self fulling prophecies in the end.

At least if I got hurt IM the one who got to say fuck you in the end. But at the end of the day I never wanted any of that.

I just wanted you to admire me. Because I've never been able to fathom the admiration you always had in your eyes for me, or our children, or anything for that matter.

I guess I was so obsessed with you feeling that way about me, I ruined it.

Because once again, if it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, at least at the end of the day I can say "fuck you," first and it hurts less.

After all, the hurt had to come some day right?

With my unhealthy views on relationships and constant need to put you on a pedestal you didn't even want to be on, I knew you'd eventually leave me. Realize I wasn't shit.

Because I am.

I'm shit.

Since uncle raped me because I was bad and had to stay home from the carnivilla, and stepdad beat my ass every day for years after that, I've always known I'm just nothing.

Just a big nothing with some cool skills I learned out of sitting in my room feeling like a piece of shit.

Because that's what they told me to do. That's what they told me I should I be.

Shit.

And here I am.

Shit.

Is it really self fulfilling if someone else called it 21 years ago?

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

I'm sorry I got antsy with you when you were sick and spitting in my trashcan and hacking up phlegm into the ashtrays around our flat.

I am still looking for an answer or excuse as to why I did it but at present I can't think of any.

I can only be sorry. And say I won't do it again.

I'm sorry I'm just an asshole rotten to the core. You probably needed back rubs and someone to say "it's ok, babygirl, let it out."

But I was too closed off to offer anything other than "bruh I'm tryna hear this show, do that in the bathroom if it's that bad. "

Is begging you for strength in a moment of weakness was the cure for what should have been handled with tenderness. Especially tenderness.

You probably didn't wanna do it in the bathroom. You wanted to do it right here in the comfort of your lovers arms because you already felt sick anyway.

It may be a small moment but it's one I'm sorry for. Deeply.

And definitely one I would do differently if I could.

I love you, Marie.

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

Just give me a sign that you're mine.

And I'll stop.

None of this means anything without you.

I don't give a fuck if that's toxic.

You're my reason for reasons.

My meaning for meaning.

My love for love.

It's you.

And I'm nothing without you.

Heal me.

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

And again this morning...

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

i want to drench my arms in blood but then i remember i have to hide them and i don’t even feel like it.

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

And just like that...

The lights in the darkest parts of my head got turned back on.

The monsters who call my ribcage home were silenced.

The pounding in my chest subsided.

The sting of you and him went away.

All the bad in me doesn't seem so unmanageable after all.

I'm not the devil, I realize. I'm just dancing with him.

I missed you old friend.

3 years was too long.

Don't ever leave me again.

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

constantly filing the void with anything I can, food, alcohol, substances, sleep, anything to numb myself

i want to die

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

Fuck it. I'm drinking.

The thought of you and him tomorrow, and all week is unbearable. How the fuck can you sit there and knowingly do this to me?

Make me hide my pain, not comfort me about him. Just tell me "I love you, but idk he has a spot in my heart too," like whatever.

Obviously I didn't mean that much to you anyway.

I was right all along. You were fucking your coworkers.

I hate this. I hate that I let myself get hurt again.

I swore never again.

I promised myself.

Fuck you.

How can you do this to me? Does it get you off? Do you like it? Do you like that I'm the one hurting now? Is this a test I didn't pass? Is this your revenge?

Congratulations.

You win.

Mr. Charles is back.

I promise you all I will drink myself to the grave. And I don't care who knows it or what happens.

I don't care who, if any, mourns me. I don't care about the repercussions.

I'm just me. And this is who I am.

Sorry it was never good enough. Sorry I wasn't worth saving.

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

I wonder how you'd feel if you knew I'd been dragging a razor across my wrists for an hour, just trying to work up the courage to put some pressure on it.

I can't do this.

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

all I need rn is either to die or drink til i cant remember my own name, how I hate being alive

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

there's sm sexual tension between me nd slitting my wrists.....

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

Constantine, 2005 - Part 4

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]

I've been staring at a full bottle of gin all day, and I just might cave today. I hit 3 years already so fuck it, why not?

I need something to kill the ghost of him playing in my head every 5 minutes.

And what's worse is the self hate is back because it's my fault and I drove you to him.

I just wanna take it back. I wanna take it all back. I wanna go back 3 weeks and tell you no. Stay. Let's fix it.

I can't sleep without you in my bed.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

Come back.

Come home.

[onlyposersdieeyoufuckinidiot]