onlysimpledreams

[onlysimpledreams]

The feeling of betrayal when they go behind your back to laugh about you :) back to square fucking one

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Pain and sadness turn to anger then huh 😂

I guess I'd be so easy to fall to the dark side. Papa palps was right I guess

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Why am I so unloveable? Everyone who says they love me either hurt me or leave. What have I done so wrong. Why won't anyone ever truly love me??????

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My brain is really pushing for comfort right now. I have had multiple dreams this week of my mum. Just the two of us, hanging out. That's literally it. I never have dreams about her this often.

She is my comfort, she always has been and always will be. I think this is her sending a message through dreams. Love u mumma

[onlysimpledreams]

[onlysimpledreams]

I want to start going new places every day to read and journal. Today I was going to choose the beach but it's raining 😡 but I think this could be a fun way to get out of the house, keep my brain engaged and an excuse to get coffee each time heh

[onlysimpledreams]

Things I want to say PART 3/3

J3.

Where do I even start with you. This may lead onto multiple posts who knows.

I loved you, but you would never let me tell you that. Not until we were dead and gone, I was with a new partner and you finally admitted to me you loved me.

I fell hard for you, you did everything to impress me and make me fall for you. You breadcrumbed, HARD. You gave me just enough attention and affection to get me hooked, then did a 180. I have alot of lyrics I can relate to you, one specific being "you kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath". Nobody was allowed to know about us. You kept me hidden, and it made me feel so unwanted. Keep it private, not secret. You wouldn't tell your friends about me, you avoided communicating on socials and ignored me if I said something that was even slightly flirty/complimentary. You treated me like just another member of your community. You even refused to wear a bracelet I bought you because it was "cringe". As our relationship progressed, your stream personality started coming out with me in real life. You would try to get a rise out of me. You would purposely shit talk the things I enjoy. You would happily watch shows with me, then continue to trash talk it on stream, knowing it would annoy me. You would make jokes in serious situations, then get mad at me when I got more upset. You guilt tripped me into believing I was at fault for "not taking jokes". You purposely tried to make me jealous too, to which you admitted. Especially at the beginning, you flirted with girls/called them hot to see if it would get a response from me. Y You never prioritised me. You couldn't bring yourself to take a day off from streaming to spend time with me because you were too focused on numbers. I would sit in your house, trying to be quiet, not getting in your way, doing nothing while I wait for you to finish. It's a job you can be flexible with, I cancelled a week of streams just to spend time with you which I barely got to do. And when we did spend time together, you told me you were annoyed at the fact I can't do all the things you want such as hiking etc because of my health issues. Way to make me feel guilty. Don't forget the time I had to sleep on the sofa because you couldn't deal with my tourettes. Not even a blanket, not even an "are you okay". We barely spoke. Every day you would respond to my messages with one emoji. No conversation. You hated calling and said it was "boring" to sit at your pc and talk. You wouldn't play games with me because it's "not something you want to do in a relationship because you will get competitive" ???. All you ever wanted was sex. You never ever forced it upon me, you were very respectful which I am thankful for. But, I never said no because of the fear of disappointing you. You were concerned I wasn't sexually attracted to you, because I never initiated. You couldn't grasp the fact I was TRAUMATISED by sexual abuse, and had not discovered my asexuality yet. I felt guilty for not feeling that sexual attraction but couldn't explain it. I was very romantically attracted to you, but that wasn't enough. You also kept trying to push the idea of exploring more kinky things, which I had no interest in, but then it seemed to make you annoyed because I couldn't fulfil your needs. Any conversation we had, I was the problem, every time. I tried so hard to communicate with me but you would never listen and would never try to talk through things because you didn't care. You thought burying everything was better than talking with each other. Communication was your biggest downfall. Any time I tried to communicate feelings, you shut me down, you told me I was instigating a fight and would just ignore me after sending a one emoji reply yet again. If I tried to do it on call, you would talk over me and act like you weren't bothered, you would not let me speak and when I got angry, you hung up on me, told me I was insane and made me feel so guilty. But of course, I apologised. You never once did. Yet somehow after all of this, after our first breakup, we were off and on like a light switch. You ended things as lockdown started because you thought it wasn't gonna work, and you were scared off because I hinted that I loved you. Apparently 7 months is too soon.

You continued to interact with me, we couldn't stay away from each other. I was blinded by my love for you that I was ignoring all the bad habits, I thought you would change, I thought I could make you love me, I thought time would allow you to relax into things and not be so mean to me. We got back together for a short while a few months later, then at Christmas we broke up again, the reason being that I was WRONG for being upset that you kicked me out of bed. I was the bad guy. I moved on, you moved on. A year later while I was spending time with a new partner, you knew this, and decided to tell me you missed me and had loved me all along, you just didn't realise until your next relationship where she treated you like shit, and you realised how much you missed me. A few months later, we met again at a convention. You asked me to go on a romantic walk together, then got upset at me for kissing you after we flirted all day/night. We awkwardly parted. But then got together again at another convention a month or so later. You were very nice to me then. You acted like you were still really into me. We had a deep conversation about things. We continued to talk, but then there were complications when I told you I discovered I was asexual. You said it wouldn't work and you couldn't get past it. You then told me it was all in my head and just need to find the right person. You also didn't acknowledge the fact I was non-binary, you never used they pronouns, still wanted to call me girlfriend and asked "can I still call you lady" because that was a nickname you had for me. I was uncomfortable because you did not respect me. Then as we continued talking, you went quiet, and said it was a lot of pressure on you. We said we would take some time to think about things and discuss it after a while. You then did not tell me your dog died, and when I questioned you after a long week plus silence, you got angry at me for being insensitive and not giving you space. I was the problem for asking for an answer on where we were. I then got to the point where I was begging you to give me another chance. We had come so far again, you had lead me to believe we would get back together, all the things from the conventions, the conversations we shared, how natural it felt to be together. You said no, told me we would not get back together. You changed your mind again, we had a phone call about it, then you went straight back to "no" again. I decided I was done being played. I wanted to move on. I went to a convention, I met someone there who showed interest in me and I was attracted to him. I went silent and you were messaging me asking me why I was being quiet, why I wasn't responding much, said "you've clearly met someone new haven't you", I said no because I did not want to start an unnecessary fight. A week later, you CHANGED YOUR MIND AGAIN. You messaged me telling me you fucked up, and you wanted to try a relationship again. At this point, I was done. I said no. You got upset with me, told me I was probably off with someone else, I was a liar, I was bullshitting. I was the problem for cutting things off after being thrown around like a rag doll. I was your favourite toy to break. You destroyed my perspective on love. You broke my ability to trust. You were on my mind still for a very long time. Some days you still are and I hate you for it. I really really thought you were special. I looked past so many wrongdoings for you because you weren't abusive to me and our connection felt natural and meant to be. I haven't been the same since you. I want you out of my head and out of my life forever.

[onlysimpledreams]

I have applied to 4 different therapies. 2 through charities, and 2 directly through therapists I've found online. 🤞 Hoping I hear back after the weekend. Really hope I can find the right person to help.

[onlysimpledreams]

Things I want to say (TW for Abuse)

Part 2 of 3

J2.

You ruined my life. You have made me TERRIFIED of men & so many things, I still get triggers caused by you.

You were manipulative. A liar. A cheater. A gas lighter. A sexual, physical and mental abuser. I wish I believed your ex when she tried to warn me. But at the beginning you were so nice and I never believed someone like you could hurt even a fly.

You hated me. Or maybe you just hated yourself and your life, and took it out on the people around you who you let trust you. Remember that one time we went into town, I was feeling pretty rough that day in regards to my chronic pain. You had one goal that day, and that was to find the toy store to buy Star Wars figures for your collection. As we were walking, my pain got so bad, I started to black out. I couldn't see properly, I was hyperventilating, I asked if we could go to a cafe to sit down and have a drink. You said no. You kept walking, infront of me, refusing to even acknowledge my pain or to help me. We got to the store, which was across from a cafe. I begged you to sit down with me. I asked if we could stop before going into the store. You said "No, I need to get my figures. Go and stand over there if you don't wanna come in with me" - you wanted me to stand, by myself, in a city I've never been in before, while I was half blacking out, ready to fall over. You were going to leave me alone. But, because I knew of your anger issues, I did what YOU wanted. I forced myself to follow you. We finally got to the cafe afterwards, you sat on your phone the entire time and I was left to look after myself. You didn't care that I was crying. Remember the time you cheated infront of my face multiple times and told me to mind my own business? Remember when you were sitting beside me on the bus, and you were sending/receiving nudes from your friend and passed it off as "helping her with body confidence", and got angry at me for questioning it? Remember you got mad at me and called your "side piece" in America to flirt with her and piss me off more? Remember every time you forced me into sex to get through your anger from silly things like video games, tv shows, work. My body was your stress reliever. Saying no wasn't an option for me. I tried, and when I did, you would choke me to shut me up. You would get upset with me and tell me I didn't love you. Remember you r*d me and forced me to pay for the morning after pill, and got angry at me when I asked to split the price, and also got angry when I asked you to walk me to the shop to buy it when I didn't know where I was going? Do you remember when you slammed doors, threw things around your room, smashed things and screamed like a child because something in your life didn't go right and blamed it on me when it had nothing to do with me? You lost in video games and took it out on me. You didn't get enough likes on Instagram and took it out on me. You kept me secret from your best friend, who you had feelings for, you told me every little detail about her but kept me secret and hidden, then got mad at me for befriending her and finding out. You forced me to stay in our hotel room during my first convention because you didn't want me hanging out with new friends I had made, because they were guys. They were people YOU KNEW. Yet you kept me hidden, you stopped me leaving. You guilt tripped me into staying hauled up in a room. Remember when you blamed your dad's cancer diagnosis on me? Remember when you took your anger out on me? Remember when you blamed your selfishness on your dad for getting sick? I was terrified. You scared me. Any step I took, every sentence I ever spoke, had the possibility of triggering you. The day you smashed up your entire room because I finally called you out on your bullshit was my final straw. You threw everything at me, you smashed a set of drawers, you yelled so loudly, and somehow your mum told me to "give you a chance" ?????????? You ruined me. You broke me. You made me feel like every single thing was my fault, you didn't let me breathe, you gaslit me and manipulated me into thinking all of these things were normal and should happen in relationships. I wanted to be the one to help you and bring you happiness. I apologised way too many times for way too many things that were not my fault. You broke your ex's wrist, you pushed your other ex down the stairs, women are NOT SAFE AROUND YOU. YOU HAVE TRAUMATISED ME.

[onlysimpledreams]

Things I want to say to you all. Finally getting it off my chest and moving on. (TW for abuse and self harm/suicidal thoughts) Part 1 of 3

W.

You were my first true love, you were a light during the worst time of my life. I was young, innocent and naïve. You were there for me day in day out during bereavement. I was there for you day in day out during your family issues. We were each other's rock. But it got possessive, and toxic, from both sides. My internalised queer denial, and my lack of self confidence, made me hate every woman within your presence. Your lack of trust made you hate every man in my presence, including singers and actors I enjoyed - I will never forget you accusing me of cheating for listening to Bruno Mars? I'm sorry what? Yet, as a 19 year old, I thought this was somehow normal. But then you wouldn't let me make friends through video games, you told me you'd leave me if I started making YouTube videos, I had to sneak around while you were at work if I wanted to play games (either by myself or with friends), I had to hide CD Albums and listen while you weren't there. During our relationship my depression started to get worse, I got diagnosed with BPD and grief was taking over my life. I started to self harm - cutting myself, hitting myself, smacking my head off walls, to the point I wanted to die, and got myself into a situation where I almost attempted it. But you stopped me. But then, you started trying to trigger me on purpose. You would say and do things to make me angry, to which you ADMITTED, so I know I'm not delusional. You blamed me for being depressed. You took my grief and used it to gaslight and guilt trip me. My mother LOVED you, and to think you took advantage of her death to piss me off. I am GLAD, after two years, I finally realised this was not real, this was not how relationships should be.

J1.

You started off so nice. You did your best to impress me, and acted like you truly wanted me. When it was just you and me, it was nice. In front of our friends, you became so mean to me and acted like I was nothing. You told me that when we play games together and with others, I am only a friend to you, and you will treat me the same way you treat 'the lads'. You wouldn't hold my hand in public. You tried to control what I posted online - a huge argument started over me posting a photo on a warm day wearing shorts and a crop top. You hurt my feelings so many times but I passed it off. You then started taking out your personal anger issues on me and your mother. You yelled, hit things, stormed off, slammed doors, argued. I stood up for your mother and you acted like we were ganging up against you, like we were trying to ruin your life. You made me AND her cry. You then took it out on me later, blamed me, and made me feel like shit for telling you to stop being rude to her. Of course I apologised, every time. You wound me up on purpose, you manipulated me, you guilt tripped me and you bullied me. You told me I was the problem for everything that went wrong in your life. TW/ Sexual Abuse You took your anger and stress out on me during sex. You would force it upon me, when I did not want it. You made me feel guilty if I said no, or did not initiate. You forced yourself onto me when I was asleep, and did not stop when I said stop. You forced me to accept things I did not enjoy. But, regardless of how many times I said no, I let it happen. I did not force you away. I did not want to disappoint you, or make you angry.

[onlysimpledreams]

I've always posted my thoughts and feelings online, it feels more real opening up in front of real people rather than just the notes on my phone - it doesn't feel as pointless. So here I am, ready to share my healing journey.

I have suffered a lot of trauma throughout my relationships, I always just pushed through it and hoped it would go away. I thought time would heal me, I thought new relationships would heal me, I thought it would just disappear as I got older and had better experiences.

I did not realise how important it was to actually GET HELP for these traumas. It wasn't until I lost the most important person in my life that I realised I need to wise the fuck up and do something about it. I wasn't smart enough, or strong enough, or confident enough to reach out, to seek help.

I need to work through this, with myself, with a therapist, with help books, and with friends as support.

This is me finally taking the steps to repair what other people have broken. How crazy it is, that we have to heal something that was destroyed by someone else, and they have zero consequences. They have no idea the pain they have caused from their selfishness, and they're probably going about their days just fine. It's not fair. Why did you have to cause this? Why did you do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?