oops-fell-asleep-blog - Tumblr blog

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

Here we are.

Movie theater, lights off.

All I can think about is your hand resting on my thigh.

I won’t take it off or move it of course.

I’m too busy thinking about where else it could be.

The thought only intensifies as you remove it yourself for a brief second, bringing it closer than before.

I wonder if it was on purpose or if you are just caught up in the screen before us.

•

Your room, sunlight streaming through the open windows.

The atmosphere is warm and lovely how it always is when I’m with you.

Careless for the world around me, I let you know just how much I love you with no words.

My lips repeatedly touch yours in an effort to be closer, feel more of you, an impossible action in our case at the moment.

You want me too.

I know.

You’ve told me.

I said so first, not caring much for any offhanded consequence.

Breathless.

Vulnerable.

I come to a visible and emotional wreck.

Search for any signs of dishonesty in your beautifully dark eyes.

I didn’t ask for you. I didn’t ask to want something I’ve never even had before. To become one with someone in the most pure way I know.

I don’t deserve to want you.

But, fuck, I want you.

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

So today sucked.

It’s ok that it did, I’m not jazzed that it did but you can’t have a great day every day.

I don’t know what about it was the worst; maybe it was the constant nagging feeling of having to overly apologize for shit I did/said last night, or the unsatisfactory end to the day overall.

I woke up, felt like shit.

Went to work, still felt like shit.

Came home, took a brief nap, still felt like shit.

Usually I feel pretty grounded in reality, and I still felt that today, it was just different from how it normally is. The tone was different, the way the sun reflected off the trees made them seem a bit dull, completely out of character for summer time.

It seemed like winter.

Cold almost despite the temperature being 99 degrees.

I’ve got to regain my independence and realize that the world does not revolve around me, but that I make my world what it is. Today could’ve turned out very differently had I just chosen to ignore the fact that I was an asshole to my boyfriend. I tried to brush it off in the moment but it just wouldn’t leave my mind.

I’m lacking closure today.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Saturday July 14 2018

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

A question for you:

How do you possibly describe love?

Is it the way your eyes seem to shine impossibly brighter while still remaining so dark and beautiful whenever you look at me?

Is it the way I get swept away innumerable times just from hearing your voice?

Is it the slightly panicked feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when you kiss me?

Is it the way I think about you every day and can never be bored when you are with me?

Is it the way I could name a million—no, infinite—situations that happen and never quite capture the way I wish for them to never end?

Is it the way I always regret not kissing you whenever I feel like it because I don’t want to seem like another girl trying to be with you for one thing?

Is it the way others don’t even fall into my line of vision or board my train of thought when I’m with you? Even without you?

Is it the way I thank you countless times for accepting me for who I am, even with my flaws and insecurities, and infinite other things I find wrong with myself that you simply can’t see or see through entirely?

Is it the way you make me feel like I can do and say anything around and for you?

All of the above.

It’s the way you assure me, without even having to say anything, that you love me too.

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

You

The things you say

always seem to make my heart

skip a beat.

You,

the way you look at me like

I’m your whole world

in a human body

smaller than your own.

Your own little world

you live in,

you live through.

You

have not even an idea

of what I wish I could say

of what I wish I could do.

You.

Truly the most beautiful thing

I could possibly imagine.

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

Hi, God.

I don't know you. None of us do. Those that claim to are probably liars, but there's really no other way of knowing or explaining that. If we did truly know you, we would know too much.

However, I do know what I've heard about you. What I gather is you're supposed to be a just God who doesn't allow any suffering or pain to a select few that you choose every 500 years or some odd. But what kind of God would that be? Anyone who has the right mind to create a human being must know that there's only so much a human can learn within a single lifetime. It takes many many lifetimes and many years of experience, and research–faith even–to create any sort of understanding of who you are supposed to be. I, for one, can't wrap my head around some ominous dude in the sky who's supposed to dictate how we are to live our measly, self-righteous, tiny human lives with no grasp on what we're actually doing for ourselves.

So call me a nonbeliever, call me whatever you want. I'm not saying I don't believe, I'm just saying that not all of can be true at once. The Bible was written by a man, filtered through by man, and translated through the ages by man. Surely there must've been some mistake made along the way.

I recently listened to a pastor at church say that Hebrew from a rough translation is very different from a Greek translation to English. The Bible and Jesus originated from Israel who's national native language is Hebrew. The king James Bible was in the same breath filtered through by King James. A book that was supposed to be sacred, from the mouth of God himself, was allowed to be filtered through by his creation, subject to change in every form and fashion possible.

So how much of it is true? What little do we know that actually adds up to the bigger picture? What are we not seeing through our tiny closed eyes and closed minds that you have put out in the universe for someone else to see further down the line?

I don't know you.

All I know is what I believe. Nobody can take my beliefs from me, that's what free will is for. I thank you for coming up with that concept. Without it, I'm sure you would be short a lot more supporters than you are.

It's not that I don't believe in you, but it's like this: the old saying goes believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. Well, I haven't heard you yet, and I definitely haven't seen you yet. So I'm waiting for my sign. I just hope I know it is a sign when it gets here.

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

guys my fucking boyfriend who claims to be a dog person had all the cats lookin at him and shit at Petsmart today, then this shit happened, like this level of cute is illegal help

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

brain dump #2 (3/26/18)

My whoooooolllllleeee body hurts honestly bc I was doing athletic shit yesterday and fr just feel like not doing anything and going back to sleep oh well, ill get through it, its fiiiiiinnneee, that’s a lot of letters wow im already up to 43 words, that actually isn’t even that much, my consciousness is fucked up bc all I can concentrate on is how sore I am, im trying to form coherent thoughts but its literally just all coming out in one stream, stream of consciousness, I feel like im thinking really slowly like I just don’t have the energy to think fast and my face is wind-burnt so its really warm and really red and I have Elijah’s hoodie on so my body’s really warm too so everythings just W A R M. WARm. Warm’s a weird word, who made that up, who came up with languages and shit, sidenote my stomach hurts too, we should rename this activity “we all inwardly complain about shit: the externalized edition”. This is fun, I just remembered something I saw on tumblr, the alphabet is in order for no reason, like whys it in any specific order, it shouldn’t matter, its all letters, I was about to type numbers bc that’s what I thought instead of letters oh well grammatical errors are funnnnnn that’s a lot of ns theres 15 seconds left well no now more like 5 oh well this was fun wow 245 words she said we had 15 seconds left 30 seconds ago, this brain dump was a lot more sporadic than the last one

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

brain dump (3/14/18)

Hey ya know random shit idk anyway wtf am I actually doing with my life I mean like flowers are cool and shit I think idk this kinda reminds me of the part in the beginning of that one book, you know the one, where the guy finds the journal and starts writing everything hes thinking I think its called 1984 yeah that’s what its called, we all need a bit of reassurance, that’s why I keep saying “yeah that’s what I mean” bc its literally what im thinking as I think it, oh well, anyway school fucking sucks, the education system is wack af, they literally only grade your work ethic while trying to convince us it’s about Intelligence whys that capital idk anyway that’s lying to us, I hope theyre happy with themselves when they have a bunch of idiots out in the world but at least we’ll know a parabola when we see one. Ya know whats funny, the fact that everything im typing rn is being said in my mind but its not my voice saying it, like wtf, whose is it then? Why cant I even remember someone’s face in its entirety? Just some things that bother me a bit, Tumblr’s wack but its kinda ok on some things, transgender shit confuses me tho, like all the gender swapping and gender fluidity is reeeealll confusinggggg, im real confusing tho, like legit idk how tf my boyfriend deals with my shit but hey at least someone likes me right? And hes cute af too so I rEally don’t understand how hes attracted to ME but oh well, I like him a lot, that’s all that matters ig.

This took 3 minutes.

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

Ya know,

I always catch myself thinking, “Oh, it’s ok, I’ll just do better next time.” Many of the things I think this towards are not things I can re-do, however. Why is that, I wonder?

I am often just handed the chance to be able to do something over I never consider when I won’t be able to anymore. When will the line be drawn? Where is the point of no return? In every aspect of anything, there is an end. Where is the end to this mentality?

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

01/04/18

Happy. Content. Listening to good music, waiting on dinner to be finished and can’t ask for much more than I already have at this point.

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

She's back

Finally, she makes her reappearance. She ushers in a wave of freedom and reassurance that what lies ahead will be nothing bad, if not all good. She brings warmth with her in the breeze, and the trees turn green with envy at how she lifts everyone’s spirits. Her arrival signifies reunions and fireworks explode in her wake. She even draws people to the coasts, where the pale turn brown again and at least a few dozen pairs of sunglasses are lost. Her scent is a mix of sunscreen, flowers, and fresh-cut grass—truly intoxicating and soothing. She demands that the children all focus on her, look up to her, look forward to her. She’ll be staying for a few months, until she’s escorted out again.

Finally, Summer’s back.

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

Again.

Another one. Another dream gone beautiful, of course in a time I’d hoped it wouldn’t. You were there. Funny.

You’re always there. Always when it’s the best kind, when you never want to wake up.

I felt your arms around me, the same arms I hastily pushed away before. I was so young and stupid and naive. I never knew what I wanted. I never knew that I wanted you until I finally pushed you so far you never came back.

I realize I’m not as independent as I seem. I’d never show it.

That was a time of hurt for me, a time when I was forcing myself to be strong enough to support what was left of my resolve, to support those around me. I was her rock through that time. But by being that, it left me no room for my own emotions to be acted upon. I wouldn’t have known how to even if I could’ve.

So as I have before, I apologize. As I have so extensively expressed before, I regret ending things. If only you were here, I feel like I could be whole again.

But I’ll never tell you.

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

henlo, am anlive So I’m gonna kinda start a thing where I’ll doodle something original or whatever tf Anyway this ones original, I decided to draw my hemisphere in little flowers bc like a flower, each part of the world is incredibly unique in its own way, even if they’re right next to each other.

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

I want to...

I want to, To say all the things That haunt my mind Like looming spirits With unfinished business I want to. But, Still, Something holds me back

Maybe fear Of rejection Or worse, Acceptance, Accompanies the thought Of confessing My deepest wishes to you

If only I were stronger I could make you see Into the darkest corners Of my soul, And pick out the light In them, Bring out the good In a world of bad In a way Only you can

I’ve seen it before And would give anything To see it again To be part Of your world Again

My world Is lonely, And dark, Please, For your sake, I ask you To never Come back here

Let me find my way To you And we’ll go From there, Into the light

I want to. But, Still, Something wants me To stay here.

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

A Walk

You said you were going for a walk. Although the statement was odd, considering you’re about as outdoorsy as I, not to mention the sun was already setting, I let it slide and simply answered, “Alright.”

You headed for the door; I remember so clearly how you used to smile back at me as we exchanged a few words or a joke only we understood. We laughed, you walked out the door, I turned back to the TV.

I guessed it was a bit of a rather leisurely stroll rather than a walk. It seemed to drag on for at least an hour. Our yard can be circled in less than five minutes, the back streets, less than or close to fifteen—and that’s even stretching it a bit. An hour? Not likely. Even so, I carried on about my business and cleaned up the kitchen from dinner.

You finally walked—I guess whatever you were doing could be called “walking"—through the door well past late. I sat upright in my chair and greeted you with the same smile I always did. You returned one.

Something was off. It wasn’t that smile, the one I recognized. You told me you just were sluggish and your speech was slightly slurred because you were tired. Your eyes, I assumed, were red because you were tired, as well. I decide it would be best to let you rest and not ask anymore about it. We said goodnight and I headed to bed. I couldn’t sleep.

Please, could you tell me, where’d you go that night? "Why?”, you ask? That’s funny… You’ve never questioned me before. You always get it. We know each other.

Well, I thought I knew you.

The answer is simple: I want to know so I never take that route myself. That’s the last thing I want.

You said you were going for a walk. But, you—my best friend—never came back. Instead, some imposter who bears your name took your place. A complete stranger assumed your role, and through your "true self" as you said once, I realized I never knew you to begin with.

[oops-fell-asleep-blog]

What defines a dream?

Well, according to the experts, dreams are just periods of high brain activity during sleep that simulate being awake. Daydreaming is almost the same thing, the only exception being daydreams occur while one is drowsy or so absorbed in their surroundings that they become absent-minded. The subconscious drifts from the physical plane of reality into an alternative here-and-now, yet still as real as the one a conscious mind (usually) observes. How? Well, it exists, doesn't it? To call something "real," said something has to have some sort of embodiment and/or representation, a tangible or understood existence to elude to its presence. Or... does it? Now, that's where faith comes in. But, I digress... To some, dreams are but a mere illusion of the seam between the "real" and the existing, the physical and the subconscious, projections of deep desires that we have no knowledge of—even though they are found within the recesses of our own minds. That's why they exist; though often they carry no meaning—save the possible early-warning signs of a chemical imbalance—on occasion, they do present a bit of truth. A premonition, for instance, of a disaster or occurrence of a distant event. Dreams could even be the cause of déjà vu as they later play out in the physical plane. Or maybe we're all in a comatose state, no precise differentiation between awake and asleep, the reason why some days are good and some are bad... The days when we are more awake than asleep are the bad days, and the good days being the inverse, lucidly dreaming when things go our way; you get the gist. And then, there are the times when we are fully awake and aware of the darkness of reality. Nightmares occur then. Depending on the mental state of an individual, either awake or asleep could also be a dream and/or a nightmare. It all depends on perspective. Although a war could be a nightmare for the losing side, the winning side's long-lasting daydream is victory.