openarmsproject

[openarmsproject]

Alternatives for when you’re feeling angry or restless:

Scribble on photos of people in magazines

Viciously stab an orange

Throw an apple/pair of socks against the wall

Have a pillow fight with the wall

Scream very loudly

Tear apart newspapers, photos, or magazines

Go to the gym, dance, exercise

Listen to music and sing along loudly

Draw a picture of what is making you angry

Beat up a stuffed bear

Pop bubble wrap

Pop balloons

Splatter paint

Scribble on a piece of paper until the whole page is black

Filling a piece of paper with drawing cross hatches

Throw darts at a dartboard

Go for a run

Write your feelings on paper then rip it up

Use stress relievers

Build a fort of pillows and then destroy it

Throw ice cubes at the bathtub wall, at a tree, etc

Get out a fine tooth comb and vigorously brush the fur of a stuffed animal (but use gentle vigor)

Slash an empty plastic soda bottle or a piece of heavy cardboard or an old shirt or sock

Make a soft cloth doll to represent the things you are angry at; cut and tear it instead of yourself

Flatten aluminium cans for recycling, seeing how fast you can go

On a sketch or photo of yourself, mark in red ink what you want to do. Cut and tear the picture

Break sticks

Cut up fruits

Make yourself as comfortable as possible

Stomp around in heavy shoes

Play handball or tennis

Yell at what you are breaking and tell it why you are angry, hurt, upset, etc.

Buy a cheap plate and decorate it with markers, stickers, cut outs from magazines, words, images, what ever that expresses your pain and sadness and when you’re done, smash it. (Please be careful when doing this)

Alternatives that will give you a sensation (other than pain) without harming yourself:

Hold ice in your hands, against your arm, or in your mouth

Run your hands under freezing cold water

Wax your legs

Drink freezing cold water

Splash your face with cold water

Put PVA/Elmer’s glue on your hands then peel it off

Massage where you want to hurt yourself

Take a hot shower/bath

Jump up and down to get some sensation in your feet

Write or paint on yourself

Arm wrestle with a member of your family

Take a cold bath

Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of ginger root

Rub liniment under your nose

Put tiger balm on the places you want to cut. (Tiger balm is a muscle relaxant cream that induces a tingly sensation. You can find it in most health food stores and vitamin stores.)

Alternatives that will distract you or take up time:

Say “I’ll self harm in fifteen minutes if I still want to” and keep going for periods of fifteen minutes until the urge fades

Color your hair

Count up to ten getting louder until you are screaming

Sing on the karaoke machine

Complete something you’ve been putting off

Take up a new hobby

Make a cup of tea

Tell and laugh at jokes

Play solitaire

Count up to 500 or 1000

Surf the net

Make as many words out of your full name as possible

Count ceiling tiles or lights

Search ridiculous things on the web

Colour coordinate your wardrobe

Play with toys, such as a slinky

Go to the park and play on the swings

Call up an old friend

Go “people watching”

Carry safe, rather than sharp, things in your pockets

Do school work

Play a musical instrument

Watch TV or a movie

Paint your nails

Alphabetize your CDs or books

Cook

Make origami to occupy your hands

Doodle on sheets of paper

Dress up or try on old clothes

Play computer games or painting programs, such as photoshop

Write out lyrics to your favorite song

Play a sport

Read a book/magazine

Do a crossword

Draw a comic strip

Make a chain link out of paper counting the hours or days you’ve been self harm free using pretty colored paper

Knit, sew, or make a necklace

Make ‘scoobies’ - braid pieces of plastic or lace, to keep your hands busy

Buy a plant and take care of it

Hunt for things on eBay or Amazon

Browse the forums

Go shopping

Memorize a poem with meaning

Learn to swear in another language

Look up words in a dictionary

Play hide-and-seek with your siblings

Go outside and watch the clouds roll by

Plan a party

Find out if any concerts will be in your area

Make your own dance routine

Trace your hand on a piece of paper; on your thumb, write something you like to look at; on your index finger, write something you like to touch; on your middle finger, write your favorite scent; on your ring finger, write something you like the taste of; on your pinky finger, write something you like to listen to; on your palm, write something you like about yourself

Plan regular activities for your most difficult time of day

Finish homework before it’s due

Take a break from mental processing

Notice black and white thinking

Get out on your own, get away from the stress

Go on YouTube

Make a scrapbook

Colour in a picture or colouring book.

Make a phone list of people you can call for support. Allow yourself to use it.

Pay attention to your breathing (breath slowly, in through your nose and out through your mouth)

Pay attention to the rhythmic motions of your body (walking, stretching, etc.)

Learn HALT signals (hungry, angry, lonely, tired)

Choose a random object, like a paper clip, and try to list 30 different uses for it

Pick a subject and research it on the web - alternatively, pick something to research and then keep clicking on links, trying to get as far away from the original topic as you can.

Take a small step towards a goal you have.

Alternatives that are completely bizarre. At the least, you’ll have a laugh:

Crawl on all fours and bark like a dog or another animal

Run around outside screaming

Laugh for no reason whatsoever

Make funny faces in a mirror

Without turning orange, self tan

Pluck your eyebrows

Put faces on apples, oranges, or other sorts of food

Go to the zoo and name all of the animals

Color on the walls

Blow bubbles

Pull weeds in the garden

Alternatives for when you’re feeling guilty, sad, or lonely:

Congratulate yourself on each minute you go without self harming

Draw or paint

Look at the sky

Instead of punishing yourself by self harming, punish yourself by not self harming

Call a friend and ask for company

Buy a cuddly toy

Give someone a hug with a smile

Put a face mask on

Watch a favorite TV show or movie

Eat something ridiculously sweet

Remember a happy moment and relive it for a while in your head

Treat yourself to some chocolate

Try to imagine the future and plan things you want to do

Look at things that are special to you

Compliment someone else

Make sculptures

Watch fish

Let yourself cry

Play with a pet

Have or give a massage

Imagine yourself living in a perfect home and describe it in your mind

If you’re religious, read the bible or pray

Light a candle and watch the flame (but please be careful)

Go chat in the chat room

Allow yourself to cry; crying is a healthy release of emotion

Accept a gift from a friend

Carry tokens to remind you of peaceful comforting things/people

Take a hot bath with bath oil or bubbles

Curl up under a comforter with hot cocoa and a good book

Make affirmation tapes inside you that are good, kind, gentle (Sometimes you can do this by writing down the negative thoughts and then physically re-writing them into positive messages)

Make a tray of special treats and tuck yourself into bed with it and watch TV or read

Alternatives for when you’re feeling panicky or scared:

“See, hear and feel”-5 things, then 4, then 3 and countdown to one which will make you focus on your surroundings and will calm you down

Listen to soothing music; have a CD with motivational songs that you can listen to

Meditate or do yoga

Name all of your soft toys

Hug a pillow or soft toy

Hyper focus on something

Do a “reality check list” – write down all the things you can list about where you are now (e.g. It is the 9th November 2004, I’m a room and everything is going to be alright)

With permission, give someone a hug

Drink herbal tea

Crunch ice

Hug a tree

Go for a walk if it’s safe to do so

Feel your pulse to prove you’re alive

Go outside and attempt to catch butterflies or lizards

Put your feet firmly on the floor

Accept where you are in the process. Beating yourself up, only makes it worse

Touch something familiar/safeLeave the room

Lay on your back in bed comfortably (eyes closed), and breathe in for 4, hold for 2, out for 4, hold for 2. Make sure to fill your belly up with air, not your chest. If your shoulders are going up, keep working on it. When you’re comfortable breathing, put your hand on your belly and rub up and down in time with your breathing. If your mind wanders to other things, move it back to focusing ONLY on the synchronized movement of your hand and breathing.

Give yourself permission to…. (Keep it safe)

Alternatives that will hopefully make you think twice about harming yourself:

Think about how you don’t want scars

Treat yourself nicely

Remember that you don’t have to hurt yourself just because you’re thinking about self harm

Create a safe place to go

Acknowledge that self harm is harmful behavior: say “I want to hurt myself” rather than “I want to cut”

Repeat to yourself “I don’t deserve to be hurt” even if you don’t believe it

Remember that you always have the choice not to cut: it’s up to you what you do

Think about how you may feel guilty after self harming

Remind yourself that the urge to self harm is impulsive: you will only feel like cutting for short bursts of time

Avoid temptation

Get your friends to make you friendship bracelets: wear them around your wrists to remind you of them when you want to cut

Be with other people

Make your own list of things to do instead of self harm

Make a list of your positive character traits

Be nice to your family, who in return, will hopefully be nice to you

Put a band-aid on the area where you’d like to self harm

Recognize and acknowledge the choices you have NOW

Pay attention to the changes needed to make you feel safe

Notice “choices” versus “dilemmas”

Lose the “should-could-have to” words. Try… “What if”

Kiss the places you want to SH or kiss the places you have healing wounds. It can be a reminder that you care about myself and that you don’t want this

Choose your way of thinking, try to resist following old thinking patterns

The Butterfly project- draw a butterfly on the place(s) that you would self harm and if the butterfly fades without self-harming, it means it has lived and flown away, giving a sense of achievement. Whereas if you do self-harm with the butterfly there; you will have to wash it off. If that does happen, you can start again by drawing a new one on. You can name the butterfly after someone you love.

Write the name of a loved one [a friend, family member, or anyone else who cares about you] and write their name where you want to self harm. When you go to self harm remember how much they care and wouldn’t want you to harm yourself.

think about what you would say to a friend who was struggling with the same things you are and try to be a good friend to yourself.

Make a bracelet out duct tape, and put a line on it every day (Or any period of time) you go without self harm. When it’s full of lines, take it off and make a chain out of all the bracelets and hang it up somewhere where you can be reminded of your great progress.

Alternatives that give the illusion of seeing something similar to blood:

Draw on yourself with a red pen or body paint, or go to a site such as this, where you ‘cut’ the screen (be aware that some users may find this triggering, so view with caution)

Cover yourself with plasters where you want to cut

Give yourself a henna or fake tattoo

Make “wounds” with makeup, like lipstick

Take a small bottle of liquid red food coloring and warm it slightly by dropping it into a cup of hot water for a few minutes. Uncap the bottle and press its tip against the place you want to cut. Draw the bottle in a cutting motion while squeezing it slightly to let the food color trickle out.

Draw on the areas you want to cut using ice that you’ve made by dropping six or seven drops of red food color into each of the ice-cube tray wells.

Paint yourself with red tempera paint.

‘Cut’ your skin with nail polish (it feels cold, but it’s hard to get off)

Alternatives to help you sort through your feelings:

Phone a friend and talk to them

Make a collage of how you feel

Negotiate with yourself

Identify what is hurting so bad that you need to express it in this way

Write your feelings in a diary

Free write (Write down whatever you’re thinking at that moment, even if it doesn’t make sense)

Make lists of everything such as blessings in your life

Make a notebook of song lyrics that you relate to

Call a hotline

Write a letter to someone telling them how you feel (but you don’t have to send it if you decide not to)

Start a grateful journal where everyday you write down three: good things that happened/ things that you accomplished/ are grateful for/ made you smile. Make sure the journal is strictly for positive things. Then when you feel down you can go back and look at it.

[openarmsproject]

Hi, it's me, EM!! So, today I met my ex-that-i-told-you-about earlier. And it's even weird for me to say this, WE HAD FUN. But he changed. We didn't fight & we just talk and it was fine. Most of the time we joke around. It's kinda weird though because he used to be so persistent and now he's being this 'good guy' kind of guy. Well at least we did meet up as friends, so HOORAYYY!! haha.just wanna share it with you guys. -EM

Answered June, 25. 15:38 Hey EM, that's super awesome!I'm glad to hear you guys had fun!I hope you found our advices useful, and I really want to encourage you to tell your loved ones that are struggling with something to message us and we'll see what we can do about it. And, of course, if you ever need to message us again, we're totally willing to help you.It was nice hearing from you, EM. Best wishes,-A

[openarmsproject]

4 years ago, I used to cut myself. And then I stopped. But now, I started to cut again. I just missed the pain. But I only cut when I crave the pain. Is there a way to stop this?

First, I'd like to congratulate you for trying, and succeeding in stopping cutting because it takes a lot of courage to do so. :) Second, I found this post a long while ago and I continually refer back to this when needed: http://ithurtssomuch.tumblr.com/selfharmGood luck!

[openarmsproject]

This may sound superstitious but do u believe that when a glass breaks, it means bad luck?

(Answered May 30, 20:00)

Personally, I don't believe breaking a glass means bad luck. 

-A.

[openarmsproject]

Help! How do you stop great friendship from falling apart when one of your bffs falls for u and you don't love them back ?

(Answered May 20, 18:13)

Hi!

First of all, thank you for sending us a message, I hope we can help you.

Second of all, think of what you just write, you refered to your friendship as a "great friendship", so you guys should be okay.

Speaking from experience, when a friend tells you they fell for you, they know the friendship can turn into something else, and it could be great (like getting together) or it could be not so great (like feeling awkward everytime you two hang out or talk). It's a risk and they are taking it.

Friends falling for friends is a common thing, but so is not reciprocating those feelings. You said you don't love your friend back, and that's okay. But, have you told your friend this? Did your friend told you about falling for you? Have you guys talked about it? Because, that's actually, a great start to save your friendship. It may be awkward at first and you both have to be very careful about what you say and HOW you say it, but it will be worth it.

Remember to:

Listen carefully to your friend and try to understand them. But also, make sure to be heard as well. 

Talk about how much your friendship means to you and why you don't want to lose your friend, if that's the case.

Keep in mind that your friend has feelings as well, and even if you can't reciprocate them, try to understand if your friend ask you for some time to think. If that's the case, don't jump into conclusions thinking your friend doesn't want to know anything about you ever and hates you.

Friendships are about trust, so ask your friend to talk to you with honesty. And do the same thing.

Not only you should make sure your friend doesn't feel judged for having feelings for you, but also keep in mind you are not a bad friend for not reciprocating your friend's feelings, so your friend shouldn't make you feel bad about it either. 

Try to stay calmed so the words you say are actually the things you're feeling. 

Think before you speak. 

If you feel like one, two, three, a million of talks about this (or any subject) aren't enough, ask your friend if it could be possible to talk about it again. 

"Great frienships" are strong ones, so have a little faith in you both.

If you need to talk further about it, we're always here to listen.

Best wishes,

A.

[openarmsproject]

I really just want to die. End it all.

(Answered May 14, 12:48)

Hi!

First of all, thank you for messaging us.

Secondly, I have a question for you, is there a reason (or several reasons) you want to end your life?

I myself have been suicidal, and from my experience, you might feel like nobody notices you, understands you or care about you, but think about it for a minute: probably, there are people who notice something's wrong with you but they don't really know how to deal with it and the only thing they think it's right is to give you space. There are people who understand you, if you don't find them in your life (like friends and family), you came to the right place! And most importantly, there are people who care about you, we do! And we're looking forward to receive all the messages you want to send us, and absolutely, we're looking forward to help you in the best ways we can. 

It was posted in this blog an entry about feeling suicidal, and one of the steps of coping with suicidal thoughts was to promise not to do anything right now, to wait for 24 hours before doing something drastic. I recommend you to follow this step, and if you want to, click the link to read the whole post.

I hope this message was helpful, and if you need to talk further about this, our askbox is always open.

Best wishes,

A.

[openarmsproject]

hi i just needed to say this to somebody so apologies to you (this is really long as well sorry)!! im 18 and have never had a boyfriend and all of my friend's have had multiple boyfriends and have had sex while im still a virgin who has only kissed guys at clubs (live in the uk) etc. I know i shouldnt care what other people do or think but i just want to be like them. I had a chance to date a guy friend who ive liked for ages and he liked me back but i chickened out and "friend-zoned" him (cont)

Rest of the message: (cont) because i for some weird reason i didnt think i could handle being in a relationship because of sex. I feel really unconfident and have no clue how or what i'd do if our relationship had reached the stage where sex was on the cards. I just cant see myself having sex or doing anything sexual. Another embarrassing reason is im super unconfident about how i look down there my labia minora is pretty long and looks ugly and dont want guys making fun of me. now the guy who i liked is now (cont)

First off, don't apologize for long messages! I'm infamous for my long rants but they really do help, so I personally encourage ranting. :)

Secondly, I'm in the same boat as you! I'm 17 going on 18 and have never had a boyfriend - I've never even kissed anyone. I completely understand your situation, and it's completely normal to feel what you're feeling. Plenty of people are in your situation and you're not alone! My advice is to not strive to be like anyone else, but to strive to be the best you that you can be (I know I'm cheesy and I'm sorry for that but it's true!) - "be yourself because everyone else is taken" and all that wonderfulness. It seems as though you're not ready yet for a relationship and that's okay too. Relationships shouldn't be all about sex, so when the right person eventually comes along, try going slower. The right person will understand that you're not comfortable with anything sexual yet and will try their hardest to make sure you feel less insecure. But the right person doesn't just come up, and I know it's hard now but trust me, the right person will come along. Just be patient! I know I hate it when people tell me to be patient but that's really all it is. But if you do in fact like someone who you think is made of awesome sauce and that you would like to start a relationship with, I say, go for it. (I'm not entirely sure what the rest of the message is since I only got parts 1 and 2) 

please don't be afraid to message us, we're all for helping! :)

-Sam. x 

[openarmsproject]

I really like this guy. I have liked him all through high school, it's been 5 years. I cut my wrists and now I'm onto my hip. He drove me to cut because he led me on, he'd been leading me on the whole time and now it's worse because he thinks he can just ignore me and I'll forget about him. Well it's not that simple at all. I can't get him out of my thoughts, and I'm not lucky enough to get a boyfriend who will help take my mind off him. I don't know how you'll help but please try. I beg you.

I completely understand your situation; I've liked a guy for 9 years and it's a constant roller coaster. It's hard to get someone out of your thoughts when they've been in there for so long, but I encourage you to speak to a friend (or us!) and let it out that way instead of cutting. It may seem like it won't work, but trust me, talking to someone who either understands what you're going through, or went through what you are going through is incredibly helpful. I hope you know that you can always message us here, we'll be here, ready to answer any questions you may have. Or even just talk! If you come off of anon we can private message if you like? As for your cutting, I'm sorry that this whole situation had made you start cutting, but I really hope that you stop harming yourself because you are worth all the wonderful things on this Earth and some guy isn't worth all this pain. Remember that we'll be here to help you and that you matter to me! 

-Sam. x

[openarmsproject]

It's me, EM! guess what? he texts me today and i told him that i'm going to be honest with him about something and he'll be pissed so i told him that i decided to keep my virginity and it's best if we don't meet but then we had this serious talk about an hour and he did sound a bit pissed at first but then he calmed down and said that he won't force me if i don't want to. He still want us to meet as friends (we make a promise about that) so my question is, should i meet him? i mean i wanted to.

(Answered May 11, 15:00h)

Hey EM!

If you want to, and, most importantly, if YOU trust him (about you two meeting just as friends), then GO AHEAD!

Remember to do ONLY the things you want to do (like meeting him) and that nobody can force you do things you don't want to do. 

Best wishes,

A.

[openarmsproject]

TRIGGER WARNING: Feeling Suicidal?

You’re not alone; many of us have had suicidal thoughts at some point in our lives. Feeling suicidal is not a character defect, and it doesn’t mean that you are crazy, or weak, or flawed. It only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. This pain seems overwhelming and permanent at the moment. But with time and support, you can overcome your problems and the pain and suicidal feelings will pass.

Coping with suicidal thoughts: the first steps

Step #1: Promise not to do anything right now

Even though you’re in a lot of pain right now, give yourself some distance between thoughts and action. Make a promise to yourself: “I will wait 24 hours and won’t do anything drastic during that time.” Or, wait a week.

Thoughts and actions are two different things—your suicidal thoughts do not have to become a reality. There’s is no deadline, no one pushing you to act on these thoughts immediately. Wait. Wait and put some distance between your suicidal thoughts and suicidal action.

Step #2: Avoid drugs and alcohol

Suicidal thoughts can become even stronger if you have taken drugs or alcohol. It is important to not use nonprescription drugs or alcohol when you feel hopeless or are thinking about suicide.

Step #3: Make your home safe

Remove things you could use to hurt yourself, such as pills, knives, razors, or firearms. If you are unable to do so, go to a place where you can feel safe. If you are thinking of taking an overdose, give your medicines to someone who can return them to you one day at a time as you need them.

Step #4: Take hope - people DO get through this

Even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now manage to survive these feelings. Take hope in this. There is a very good chance that you are going to live through these feelings, no matter how much self-loathing, hopelessness, or isolation you are currently experiencing. Just give yourself the time needed and don’t try to go it alone.

Step #5: Don’t keep these suicidal feelings to yourself

Many of us have found that the first step to coping with suicidal thoughts and feelings is to share them with someone we trust. It may be a friend, a therapist, a member of the clergy, a teacher, a family doctor, a coach, or an experienced counselor at the end of a helpline. Find someone you trust and let them know how bad things are. Don’t let fear, shame, or embarrassment prevent you from seeking help. Just talking about how you got to this point in your life can release a lot of the pressure that’s building up and help you find a way to cope.

Why do I feel this way?

Many kinds of emotional pain can lead to thoughts of suicide. The reasons for this pain are unique to each one of us, and our ability to cope with the pain differs from person to person. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you, “That’s not enough to be suicidal about.” We are all different. What might be bearable to one person may not be bearable to you. There are, however, some common factors that may lead us to experience suicidal thoughts and feelings.

Feeling suicidal is often associated with problems that can be treated

Loss, depression, anxiety disorders, medical conditions, drug and alcohol dependency, financial, legal or school problems, grief or loss, and other life difficulties can all create profound emotional distress. They also interfere with our ability to problem solve. Even if you can’t see it now, there are nearly always other solutions for these problems.

Mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder are all treatable with changes in lifestyle, therapy, and medication. Most people who seek help for their problems and make constructive changes in their lives improve their situation and recover. Even if you have received treatment for a disorder before, or if you’ve already made attempts to solve your problems, you should know that it’s often necessary to try several different solutions before the right solution or combination of solutions can be found. Almost all problems can be treated or resolved.

Why suicide can seem like the only option

If you are unable to think of solutions other than suicide, it is not that other solutions don’t exist, but rather that you are currently unable to see them. The intense emotional pain that you’re experiencing right now can distort your thinking so it becomes harder to see possible solutions to problems, or to connect with those who can offer support. Therapists, counselors, or friends or loved ones, can help you to see solutions that otherwise may not be apparent to you. Give them a chance to help.

Things to do

Talk with someone every day, preferably face to face. Though you feel like withdrawing, ask trusted friends and acquaintances to spend time with you. Or continue to call a crisis helpline and talk about your feelings.

Make a safety plan. Develop a set of steps that you can follow during a suicidal crisis. It should include contact numbers for your doctor or therapist, as well as friends and family members who will help in an emergency.

Make a written schedule for yourself every day and stick to it, no matter what. Keep a regular routine as much as possible, even when your feelings seem out of control.

Get out in the sun or into nature for at least 30 minutes a day.

Exercise as vigorously as is safe for you. To get the most benefit, aim for 30 minutes of exercise per day. But you can start small. Three 10-minute bursts of activity can have a positive effect on mood.

Make time for things that bring you joy. Even if very few things bring you pleasure at the moment, force yourself to do the things you used to enjoy.

Remember your personal goals. You may have always wanted to travel to a particular place, read a specific book, own a pet, move to another place, learn a new hobby, volunteer, go back to school, or start a family. Write your personal goals down.

Things to avoid:

Being alone. Solitude can make suicidal thoughts even worse. Visit a friend, or family member. If you have no one, pick up the phone and call a crisis helpline.

Alcohol and drugs. Drugs and alcohol can increase depression, hamper your problem-solving ability, and can make you act impulsively.

Doing things that make you feel worse. Listening to sad music, looking at certain photographs, reading old letters, or visiting a loved one’s grave can all increase negative feelings.

Thinking about suicide and other negative thoughts. Try not to become preoccupied with suicidal thoughts as this can make them even stronger. Don’t think and rethink negative thoughts. Find a distraction. Giving yourself a break from suicidal thoughts can help, even if it’s for a short time.

5 steps to recovering from suicidal thoughts and feelings

Identify triggers or situations that lead to feelings of despair or generate suicidal thoughts, such as an anniversary of a loss, alcohol, or stress from relationships. Find ways to avoid these places, people, or situations.

Take care of yourself. Eat right, don’t skip meals, and get plenty of sleep. Exercise is also key: it releases endorphins, relieves stress, and promotes emotional well-being.

Build your support network. Surround yourself with positive influences and people who make you feel good about yourself. The more you’re invested in other people and your community, the more you have to lose—which will help you stay positive and on the recovery track.

Develop new activities and interests. Find new hobbies, volunteer activities, or work that gives you a sense of meaning and purpose. When you’re doing things you find fulfilling, you’ll feel better about yourself and feelings of despair are less likely to return.

Learn to deal with stress in a healthy way. Find healthy ways to keep your stress levels in check, including exercising, meditating, using sensory strategies to relax, practicing simple breathing exercises, and challenging self-defeating thoughts.

[openarmsproject]

(cont) love with my best boyfriend and he always tell me how wonderful and beautiful is his crush. It hurts a lot. My two best friends always laugh and say jokes when I'm not with them, I feel like they don't like and they only are with me because they feel sorry for me. I'm suicidal and don't sleep, every night I go to bed at 2 or 3 am and I always wake up in multiple times before my schedule begins, I don't know what to do. I just want to end the pain and the only solution I see is suicide...

Hello.

First, and most importantly, DO NOT KILL YOURSELF. There are multiple reasons to live. I understand you're in a lot of pain right now, but I promise you it gets better. 

Have you ever gone to talk to a professional? Like a psychologist? If not, I strongly recommend it. I did it once when I was depressed and it really improved my life in so many ways. I know it can be a bit hard to really get down and do it, but please try to get the courage to call someone. It will probably save your life.

Whenever life feels the most terrible, think like this: will I still feel this way in five years? Will everything be this bad by then? By then I'm sure you've graduated from high school/college/wherever you're currently at. And by then you'll have a completely different life with new people, perhaps a job, perhaps another school and so on. Always remember that life will change. You won't stay where you are now for the rest of your life. Therefore, it's worth to keep on living. You never know what'll happen next.

Perhaps you should tell your best boyfriend that you like him? If he doesn't like you back, at least he might stop talking about his crush in front of you. That might be relieving for you.

Also, here are some things to live for: http://www.flickr.com/photos/between-the-rest/7303315016/

You are worth something for the world, and you are awesome.

Love, Sandra. 

[openarmsproject]

(cont)omg im sorry about how long this is! but yeah the only guy i couldve trusted and really liked now is going out with my best friend cos it turned out she liked him as well and now i realise had always tried to put me off getting together with him even though she knew i liked him and he liked me. but really i just feel like im going to be a virgin forever and i dont want to be but i feel like i'll never have the confidence about what to actually do or have the confidence down there :S

Hi,

First of all, don't apologize for your message being "long", okay? We're always here to listen.

Moving on... I'm a 17 year old virgin (who hasn't kissed anyone), so I think I understand what are you talking about... 

I will tell you what I think about this whole thing:

I think it's okay not to like our bodies from head to toe and 24/7, why? Because we are humans, and our bodies are constantly changing. You're not going to look the same way in 5 years, so if you get to accept and love yourself now, you will have to re-accept yourself when the first wrinkles start to appear in your face or hands. And everything about you will change: how you see life, how you love, how you are loved, how is your body, how good you hear or see. Changing is good. It is natural.

So, you are not particularly fond of your body "down there" now? OH well, guess what? That's okay! So you let go the opportunity of dating your friend? That's okay! This doesn't mean you will never be in a relationship or that every person who sees you naked is going to run away from you. Remember that change is always happening.

You say you don't see yourself having sex, have you thought that maybe you're not ready to have sex? I think that wanting to have sex =/= being ready to have sex. Which is okay, too, because everybody's ready at different times and there's no hurry. You also said that you wouldn't know what to do if a relationship reaches the stage where sex is on the cards; let me tell you what I think: when a relationship reaches that point you CAN talk about it with your partner, because you are as much as part of the couple as is your significant other, so having sex isn't just about ONE person wanting to have sex (in that case, that's why masturbation exists), is about ALL of the people involved wanting to have sex. 

You also mention you don't want guys making fun of you for the way you look "down there". Ugh, let me tell you that there's no two vaginas that look exactly the same nor two penises or genitalia in general (of course, without photoshop and all that crap). And, from my really personal point of view, that's what makes sexuality amazing! What feels good for you might not feel as good for me because our bodies are different, and what's great about sex are those differences. Why? Because you can use sex to be intimate with someone, getting to know what that person looks like, feels like, tastes like, smells like... and your brain does a lot of amazing chemical things, so it feels GREAT. Do you think it would be the same if all the bodies from all the people in this world looked the same? Felt the same? OF COURSE NOT! Sex would totally lack the magic... even undressing your partner would seem boring and not sexy at all because you would know EXACTLY what to expect. Seriously think about it for a minute.

So, time for a little recap:

Everything changes (including your body and HOW you see it)

You can always learn to know, accept and love yourself 

Wanting to have sex =/= being ready to have sex

"Losing" the oportunity to be in a relationship with your friend isn't the end of your romantic and/or sexual life because (see point one): everything changes

Being insecure about our body doesn't mean we ACTUALLY have something wrong (plus, see point two)

Don't say you will be virgin "forever" because you're already closing the doors. If you don't want to be a virgin forever, you won't be a virgin forever; because you will find, when you're ready, the oportunity to not be virgin anymore

When you are in a relationship, you get to decide whether you want sex or not and talk about it with your significant other, and they will have to listen and respect you

There's nothing wrong with being a 18 year old virgin. There's no deadline to lose your virginity

You are a kick-ass person for sending us a message! Here, have a link to a Laci Green's video about labias! (With a bunch of links in the description). 

I hope this was helpful. And if you need to talk further about it, our ask box is always open.

Best wishes, 

Ale.

[openarmsproject]

I think it's best if I don't meet him(?) cause he always have his ways to get what he wants and he definitely knows my weaknesses. 70% of the time he gets pissed if i said no and 30% of it, he will be sulking which is so not cute. I think I've already have the answer to my own question and thanks to you for helping me to figure it out!! appreciate it a lot! -EM

EM,

I'm so glad to hear you've found out what to do. Never forget all the right answers are inside you, maybe you just needed to ask the right questions.

Keep up with the great job of living, and if you get stuck in the way, our ask box is always open, okay?

Best wishes,

Ale.

[openarmsproject]

yeah you're right~ maybe i want to do it cause HE wants to do it and he is the guy who can't accept 'no' which means he always gets what he wants. last year,he asked for a bj & i refused then he got pissed and acts like a baby all the way (it was so annoying,believe me!) that day he didn't get what he want & hooray for me! he is a douche at times but how should i tell him that i don't want to meet him when he insists to and can't accept the rejection?-EM

EM,

It’s great you stayed true to yourself when he wanted a bj, congratulations! Now think, what did you do back then? What was successful and what wasn’t? Did you explained why you didn’t want to give him a bj? Did he ever make you feel uncomfortable? Was he hurtful towards you? Try to think about it (and about other times he HAD to accept your “no”), think about what did you say or do. How did he react. Try to remember the things you did right and the things that didn’t work. Maybe this could help you through talking to him about not wanting to have sex.

Keep in mind some things:

Feelings are meant to be felt (and shared), not used as threats or weapons to try to convince you to have sex (‘If you loved me, you would do it.’)

Your virginity is yours and yours only. He has decided what HE wants to do with HIS, so YOU can decide what to do with YOURS. Your body = your rules.

Whatever has happened between you two in the past DOESN’T determine what you can/will/want to do in the future.

And TALK to him about your feelings and wishes. Will he listen? I don’t know, I hope so.

And now, I’m going to tell you a really personal opinion, which, of course, you can ignore: if he’s “a douche at times”, is he really worth your time? Is keeping him in your life worth it? Remember you deserve great things, and you deserve love and comprehension. (And you deserve to be able to say ‘no’ and feel comfortable, not anxious about how will you say it or how he will take it).

I hope everything works out for you, dear EM, and of course, if you need to talk further about it, our ask box is always open.

Best wishes,

Ale.

[openarmsproject]

For me, my virginity is kind of a big deal to me but there are times when I just feel that it's not & also tbh as much as i want to lose my vcard, losing it to him doesn't feel 'right',we broke up waaaay back in '08 and right now we're friends - with benefits?(kinda?) though we didn't get in touch for a while now but i'm sure he'll look for me this june cause his gf will be busy with exams by then~and i am damn sure we can't meet as friends even if i wanted to -EM

EM,

I think Sandra's right: sex must always be on your own terms. Remember, it's YOUR body, so you make your own rules. 

If you feel like losing your virginity to him doesn't feel 'right', you DON'T have to do it. Look, it doesn't really matter if he's your boyfriend, exboyfriend, friend (with benefits)... nobody can make you have sex with them if you don't want to. It doesn't matter what you have done with him (sexually) in the past, if you don't want to have sex with him, then don't have sex. I know it's not always seen as simple as that because there are feelings involved, and some other things... but you cannot put his feelings over yours because it's not good or healthy for you, and even if he wants to lose his virginity to you, you are allowed to not feel the same and act on it.

Also, it's okay to change your mind, you know... it's okay to have thought of it as a good idea when he first told you about it, but you CAN change your mind after giving it a second thought.

Look, it's always up to you; in the end, you know more about your own life and your relationship with him than anyone, but I think it's a good idea if you told him you're not sure about having sex anymore. Explain your reasons and ask him to understand you. 

At last but not at least, do you feel comfortable with meeting him? If not, then don't meet him. You know, it's okay to ask for some space to think (or to be). You don't have to do things that make you feel uncomfortable because you deserve GOOD things. 

If you need to talk further about it, our ask box is always open.

Best wishes,

Ale.

[openarmsproject]

My exbf is coming in June & he wants to meet & do 'it'.when he mentioned it, I want to do it too but now that I think about it, I don't think I want to lose my virginity to him *We're both virgins & he wants to lose his virginity to me because I sucked him off back then in high school once - and I'm the first girl to do that to him and We've gone to 3rd base though, The thing is, I'm not sure if I still want to do it or not - Should I even meet him this June?If no,how should I tell him? -EM

Personally, I don't think you should do it if you're not certain about it. I don't know what your virginity means to you, but it could be kind of a big deal. Are you sure you want to lose it to your ex boyrfriend? I'm sure he's your ex, and not your boyfriend, for a reason? If you're not sure, you should probably wait. Regretting sex is not fun at all, I can tell. 

My advice to you is to sit down and think this through. Maybe you feel like you're obliged to do it because he wants to lose his virginity to you? If that's the case, DON'T DO IT. Sex must always be on your own terms, when YOU want it. Think about the reasons you may or may not want to do it, and I'm sure you'll come to a conclusion.

Whether you want to meet him or not is up to you. Did he treat you right when you were toghether? Are you friends now? Since I don't know, it's hard to tell. If he's been a dick to you I don't think you should meet him. If you are friends though, you could meet him. But remember that meeting him =/= you have to have sex. You can just meet as friends if you like.

I hope this made some sense, and that you reach a good conclusion. 

Hugs, Sandra

[openarmsproject]

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