openhonesty-blog

[openhonesty-blog]

Happiness scares me... but I'm going to go for it!

As I sat about to eat my well prepared meal for one, I began to feel sorry for myself. Sorry that I was sitting alone, sorry that I had no one to share my meal with., sorry that I had no one to talk to, sorry for the pain I was in. Then I asked myself, why? Why do I sit here feeling bad? Why can't I enjoy the good things around me? Why do I always return to this place? Then I realised... THAT is what I am used to. THAT is my "norm".

I grew up unhappy. That is all I knew. My childhood was not a happy childhood at all, and any moments of happiness I did experience, always came at a horrible cost. My mother seemed to be constantly angry at me, always in a rage and full of spiteful bitterness that I could never understand. I spent my life trying to make her happy... if only just once! Walking on eggshells incase something I did or said sent her into a rage and waves of abuse both physical and mental would consume me yet again. I failed. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and I tried! Boy, did I try. I tried everything in vain to make her happy. But I was never good enough. My stepfather (who I had believed to be my real father, until many years later when my sister, well step sister but again I thought she was my sister,  and I had an argument and she told me he wasn't my dad) was a MONSTER. When he and mum were still together, he would often intervene when mum was in her rages and save me from her onslaught... but, it would cost me. Anytime he did anything that he considered a good thing for me... I "owed him". From as early as I can remember he would abuse me sexually. When I was old enough to realise what he was doing was wrong, and I said "NO", he beat me so violently I thought I would die. I learned never to so openly resist him again, instead adapting other methods to try and escape his clutches. Pretending to stir in my sleep and making loud enough groaning noises, which would spook him out of my room incase someone in the house heard my noises, or pretending to be in such a deep sleep that he couldn't wake me. These tactics didn't always worked, but any time they did, I was satisfied with that.

There was much more that went on in that house and in my childhood, but I am trying to stay on point and just give a little into the background of how I grew up.

THIS was my life. THIS is what was normal to me. I had to learn ways to survive. How to defend myself, how to protect myself. I learned to try and be invisible. I looked for signs of danger, early warning signs of when things would turn ugly. At times, I would succeed, those moments were my joys. My personal little victories, but they never lasted. I'd never been nurtured, I didn't know what it was to be loved. Feeling dispised, disgusting and ugly was what I knew. Forced to live in silence for fear of the retribution if I told anyone.

But these are the habits that formed me. This "norm" is all wrong. There are studies which show that childhood trauma and abuse affects how the brain develops. That doesn't mean it makes you dumb, it just means that the brain develops differently. A childs formative years are very important and precious, and under the right circumstance, with love and support from loved ones, they learn how to cope with the ups and downs of life. An abused child however, does not have this support and learns to function very differently. This also affects our bodies chemistry. Most of us have heard of endorphins and how they can affect our emotions. So, our brains and the chemistry in our body can be adjusted.

This is the case for me. I know how to be unhappy. That was my so called "comfort zone". If I was unhappy, it was normal. If good things happened, it scared me because it either came with a price I did not want to pay or it was not going to last. As I grew up, if people were kind to me, I'd become suspicious of their ulterior motives. Why? Because, dad had taught me, if anything good happens... it'll cost. I expected people to hate me. I expected people to leave me. I expected that all people were thinking nasty thoughts about me. How could I not? My own mother hated me. My real father rejected me and wants nothing to do with me. He doesn't even acknowledge that I am his daughter. How could I expect anyone to actually like me let alone love me?

Happiness is new. Happiness is something my brain and the chemicals in my body are not familiar with. It is out of my comfort zone. In the past I have sabotaged it by looking for the downfalls. Looking for the signs of refection or danger. Looking for the moment it will all come crashing back down and confirm what I have always known and believed... that I am unlovable.

I've recognised this quite a few times in my adult years, and have made attempts to change it. It's not like a WANT to be unhappy. Not at all! I want to be happy. I love being happy. I love to laugh, I love to have fun, I love to joke around, I love being silly, I love exploring new things, I love learning new things, I love meeting new people. I just need to readjust my way of thinking. I need to change my "norm". And it's not easy. It's easy to fall back into what I have always known. To fall back into the self loathing, self doubting person I have always known. But I am not that child anymore. Having always been the one to protect myself from being hurt, it's hard to venture out into a world where I know people will let me down. I know I will meet some people who don't like me. But I am more interested in the ones who will. I don't want to be ripped off from enjoying real friendships and relationships with people even though I know they may dissappoint me at times, as I am sure I will them. Not because we mean to, but because we are human. We make mistakes. We can be selfish at times, or not see it from the other person's point of view. Or sometimes, we are just having a bad day. But at the end of the day, the good will outweigh the bad.

So for me, I am taking up my own challenge. To make happiness my new norm.