originalkittensublime - Tumblr blog

[originalkittensublime]

Alone

Thats how i feel right now. But also I feel terrified. But its like this feeling wouldn't be mine. In my mind all is calm and I should all handle well. But despite all the things that i "know" how they are...feelings inside is different.  It seems like the dream came true. Like the best possible scenario is on. But all is so out of blue. So fast and unexpected...  She asked me... "why do you need all this?" I gave an answer...honest, warm, kind. I gave it and all made sense. But why this feelings inside? And what exactly is this feeling?  Why instead of excitement i feel worried? Do I just feel her so much and taking her feelings too much? Am i worried for the future? For my stability?  I'm lost and confused tbh. And i feel like i shouldn't. Coz i love them, and what is happening is something very unique. Very unique. And I should remain with being happy for their happiness..  this wont be easy. but its huge. And who am I to go against it? Considering that all are on my side.  I'm thrown out of my regular life and comfort zone so far. Even tho its not something totally new. Jesus... I'm so curious whats next...

[originalkittensublime]

Sticker with Persik

Thats explains it all, doesn't it?))  What a crazy spring. What a crazy Aquarius era. What a crazy life. But it't just so interesting that autumn is strong but heavy and spring is so strong but positive. in the end. or is it actually the beginning? perhaps it's all just our path.  Today I came home to him from her. I heard stories i guess i understood But when i was there and felt her. Oh my fucking god! In my mind "is it even real", unbelievable... All was so deep but so new at the same time, in a purest way. It was hard to actually realise the whole depth. My forehead hurt like someone was pushing from the inside. 

Then I came to him. And if first i saw prove of the whole information in her eyes, now i saw him...his eyes. Wow... "is it really real?" "yes" he said. "do you love her? like love love, Not just love as all this years?" "Yes, i do.." he said with wet eyes full of emotions that i have never witnessed before.  Another wave of realising whats going on  covered me with huge wave of feelings i cant even describe. It's so unbelievable. SO strong. So huge. So pure. There is not even a bit of worrying about whats gonna be. Even tho no-one knows.... But its total pure positive. And this fact also fucks up mind big time.  The moment when you're googling "is it possible to die from happiness"...  And then there is drop down, of course. Just to do maintenance. To take a look a bit from the outside. It's a little bit terrifying. For me it's had to realise. Especially the depth of it. Am I afraid to believe in it coz I'm afraid once ill do so, it will disappear? Or is it coz I didn't want this and it just happened without asking me? Tricky questions. And I understand that right now at this moment it's not the time for those answers.  I live for emotions. This is something that i sick to all my life i guess. All kind of them. Coz other people and interaction with them - are our greatest teachers. To grow, to improve, to evolve.  I try to let go. The fact that it's THEM! I didn't even see them yet together.  I assume, it's the next lvl of letting go. To let go 2 closest people. So there is na "back up". Of course its just theoretical. But considering how huge it is, and that i can't just take it easy, there is a space to improve. And i will) If i handled all the other cases before, being less wise, now I have no other choice. There is no place for ordinary life. I had this year to recover and become stronger. So here I am, ready for everything that's coming. Welcoming with a smile and interest (and a very fast temporary mental breakdowns :D) In these cases Im starting to be more distance and then I'm crying that nobody needs and loves me. Exaggerating of course. But I realised i really do this. To prove my importance using other people. Disgusting)) And once this realisation comes, it's impossible to remain like this. Of course it wont change in a minute. But it's important that the process began. Really helps when around are right people to understand it. Not to break you but to support. 

[originalkittensublime]

Can I, please, live here?

This evening the sat is golden. 

It might stay this way forever. Might now. Life is so unpredictable))

So much changed... inside of me and outside as well...the things I write always seems so obvious to me, until I open my old notes.  The most important thing is to care about yourself. Coz the more you give the more you get. But you cant give if you are not full and don't love yourself. And I wouldn't change a thing in my past coz all of it was there for me to realise things. And I will realise many times more, I know. But each and every is more valuable. More deep. I'm going deep down to myself. Or going way up. It's basically the same. How much all is connected in this world is just UNfuckingBELIEVABLE. 

Now we are on the  verge of a great new life. Why I'm sure it's great? basically coz there are no wrong steps. All of them are good coz they are leading us exactly where we need to get.  To take in our lives one more soul is tricky, risky, new, not easy. And it's clearly a huge step. How long did i think about it? how much time did it take for me to realise i'll say "yes" just about one heartbeat. Maybe this is one of the thing that you need to think through days and weeks. But I'm not sure if I'm just not that kind of person or there are certain things in my life where I just know and feel.  I will need to do certain "checks" where I will make sure that I'm not losing myself in this. Coz it's really tricky. Of course all of us will hold back a lot of things on the beginning and will see, observe, adjust. And how not to worry about little pure thing. Coz I know my role is important and I need to get max out of it for all. I know it can be something truly magical. 

And I'm glad it wasn't immediate crash, a firework, crazy falling in love. Coz those stories we know them, they don't end up well.  Here is something deep and certain. Feels right. Feels warm. But no pink glasses, I know that it will be very uncomfortable for all at first coz it's something  completely new and unknown. But damn... I want to do my best to make this happen. I know how much I can give. But I also know how much I can learn from it. From Her. She is incredible. She is home now. We are family.  And only the thought of her being home makes me su fucking happy. Together we can create something awesome. <3

[originalkittensublime]

the greatest people are so unhappy...

This thought killed me today. I have so many examples of amazing people who don't love themselves. 

[originalkittensublime]

The last piece of hope is gone

4.3.20

Not hope that we could be together, no. Hope, that it could end up ok. With a tiny bit of understanding. Thet if we would ever accidentally meet, we will both smile, and remember the good, not the bad.  I went through a lot of pain and damage. But the funny thing is that no matter how hard it was, 2.3 I got hurt the most.  I've never said that it's her fault or that she hurt me before, no matter how terrible things she happened. I understood, always. But this time, yes, it does hurt a lot.  I never meant to hurt her anyhow. And I wish her all the best even now. 

just now... I will walk away if we ever meet again.  Coz I will not handle that attitude anymore. 

It's just sad that it ended with "fuck you" from her side. 

[originalkittensublime]

What's in her head

And what's in mine?  I know it's my early suicide Tuesday, but I miss her so much. So fucking much. You cant get over a person to who you feel so much in a month or two. Especially when we didn't let go. Both of us. 

Now I did. Almost. But I did really all I could. But I just wanna go down and see her there. But damn for what? to hug her once again and tell her 100500 times that I'm not gonna stay? stupid. Coz I'm not gonna go back. I said it to her many times, to myself? I said it millions of times. I don't know how to overcome this. 

Other people do help, that's a sure thing. And I'm happy that I'm coming back to myself. I feel alive! But those moments when I stop when I'm by myself...yes, she is everywhere. No matter how precious those people are. And how precious is time with them. This sadness is not connected to them or to anything else.  This sadness is her. With me. All the time.  What a crazy autumn, huh?...

[originalkittensublime]

Give me 5 minutes, I'll give you 18 dollars, good deal.

It’s interesting how sometimes we desperately want two things which are not compatible at all.

But let’s be honest. One thing we want coz it’s not what it’s realistically will be, but what we wish for. But if it would be as we wish for, there will be no second choice.

But it’s hard to think realistically. Especially when ... yeah...

Fuck you

[originalkittensublime]

Double dark

I just read a book. Black cover, white letters. When I first opened it I couldn't...It hurt so much. I will not say why) Now I read it, and I see her there as I see her now.  It's her book. She does the same shit again and again. With every next one. Oh, for sure I was different. That's the reason I'll be never there like they were. When I go back, I see how happy I was. I couldn't believe my happiness. But I was surprised how fast all turned to mess up mode. When we are in it, we don't see, we are not able to observe the situation from above. Every time I believe that this time I got it under the control but, pha... Instead of saying to her that she is killing me slowly, I thought I can handle everything, I was understanding and loving, and stupid. So she got the idea that I can handle all, she got the idea that I was giving a bit to her while I was giving more then I could. And that's right here is a recipe for disaster. How many times she said to me that she realized something and those her "overnight changes" happened? Maybe, but nothing changed ever. A bit, slightly, yes. For her even this was hard, but overall nothing changed. "She said no more drama. She didn't lie. Now there is no drama there is apocalypse" I wrote it one month after all started. ONE MONTH. And you can guess that after nothing was going the right direction. But for a long tie and for an unknown reason there still was this "But right now fighting feels better than goodbye". And It was. Till the time I realized that I killed myself and then I lost my dead body somewhere between tears doubts and guilt. I wanna hug her. I wanna spend with her one more day and one more night. To just make it right. To make the last memory a good one. To leave the best aftertaste that we deserve. But the only happy ending we've deserved is pain, crying, and slap of the car door.  I hate to be a bad guy in a way she made me. I miss being a bad guy in a way I loved myself. I wish I could rewrite what she wrote on a piece of paper. She wrote it, and now it seems like it was like this. She made it real by writing down on that damn paper. That I told her we will make it, I said trust me and then I left. Fuck. This pisses me off the most, coz its as torn out of context as possibly possible. How about a few months of screaming out loud that it's killing me and I can't live like this anymore? It's not in her story... Let it be at least in mine.  It's easier to be mad at her. But it's so temporary. Coz no matter what, I just want to hug her, make all right, and let her go, healed and happy. Coz that's what I used to do.  I know it will get better. It's getting slowly every day. We don't see it, we don't believe it, but it does. And just keeping this in mind should help a little bit. Give yourself time. Healing takes a lot of time and energy, don't put too much on yourself, but also don't stay in shit for too long, do very tiny steps, but do them every day.  Wanna know something? I'm secretly checking if she would delete glass animals from the playlist... Yes, you don't have to tell me I know I'm an idiot. 

[originalkittensublime]

Wonder

I wonder, how many times would I go by her street if she wouldn’t tell me not to? How many times I’d try to accidentally meet her if she wouldn’t tell me “don’t ever come to my face”? How many posts for her with a very or not that much hidden meaning there would be? How many stories? Closed chapter is just a closed chapter. There is a whole book. Then close the book, and look around. Furniture, nature, people, the whole damn world. And chapter is never finished till a person dies. We are people, we are stupid) that is why it’s never over even when it was once. Pry.

I wonder why now? after 5 years...

I said out loud that I’d love to meet L.B. Look who wrote to me when I came back? We get what we wish for, this one was just waiting until it will be a good occasion. 5 years gone and he is back. That chapter was never closed as well, not for me. But this time was needed.

I remember our night phone calls...(I was the one who left, of course...always me, careless bitch) and I was telling him that I will always love him in a way. 5 years passed by, and I can still say the same. It’s still not the person with who I’d build my future or family. It’s not my partner. But I will always love him in a way. Coz nothing and no one in the world will take away from me those beautiful 1,5 years. Messy, not always easy, but beautiful. With all our adventures. It’s still the same person I was calling Boo, and kissing goodnight. Still the same, yet different. And if he would be open like I am, it would be possible to feel again, that warm feeling inside, warm feeling of a person who is yours, who used to be your family. I’m really curious about our meeting. I know he will be playing and showing off, and I will not like it) I guess this wouldn’t change as well) And most likely it will be empty as our last meeting. Hopefully, I'm wrong. And if someone asked me why this meeting...I’d just say, that it was in my head and it makes sense now. Feels like we have a lot to talk about. In the end, our ways crossed for a reason. Reason which I will figure out later. I have a sad smile, coz if she knew, she would think It would be more then just meeting and talking for sure..meh. 

Meh... I miss even this damn word. I live my life, and trying to focus on a thousand things, but she is still in most of them, and it’s sad. But even tho it’s sad, sometimes sad as Fuck, it’s still better than that killing and exhausting feeling inside.

I still secretly wish for stupid things, which would make sense and would hurt, but would feel so good...

People are so stupid. People are idiots.

But, I’m going to sleep early and waking up 5-7 a.m. I don’t eat shit, don’t smile since... yes, since that day... Wait, I wrote don’t “smoke” how da hell there is “smile”??! Hah... I’ll leave it there.. so, and I don’t drink so much. There is a printed calendar on the wall and things to do written. I’m solving one by one. I’m taking good care of our home, and of Teo. I’m proud of myself. I finally started a life that I deserve. And this sadness which envelops me...it will be better one day or another.

Of course, it would help to cut her off, but instead I’ll go and play her cover, and maybe even check her stories. And play her cover one more time.

Praryv 🖤

7.1.20

21:03

[originalkittensublime]

Pokus

I wasn't a successful one.  I'm going through her page. Reading, counting, how many squares deserved each one of them. How many letters... What was left when they left.  I've never been the hero of her stories. Even tho I was the strongest cosi. I've been never there in her life. There were just a few pieces of me and one letter. A. And then nothing. I keep reading. I'm going through each word coz now I can really feel it. That all did belong to her. Smaller or bigger stories, they were stories from her life. Me? Like I never belong there, like it didn't suppose to happen. Just now I realized that all those things she was writing after she said her "I love you". 10 more days after those damn words she was posting words for her. With the pictures, she sent to me. Of course, I didn't see it at that time. I didn't see a lot of things. But now it hurts. But now it doesn't matter.  Of course, it doesn't matter what is out there. Matter what is inside. And I will doubt it. I just caught myself on those egoistic thoughts.

and oh dear god, how much I wish she would just delete Glass Animals from the playlist LetterToA. It so doesn't belong there, coz it's so much connected to someone else.  Any minute soon I will, I really really will stop following her. Damn Instagram. You know what's funny? I muted all the people there, so now in my feed, there is just her stories and her and my posts. That's all. Just her. Coz I don't need anyone else there. Just her. And she will never know about it. She will never know that she is still on my close friend list, and I'm posting stories for her. How stupid. I'm an idiot. Idiot indeed.  10 minutes and I'm there, 10 minutes and all could be ok. But it will not.  I never could explain what the hell it was that caught me so much. I never. But those feelings which were between us, were explosions every time. Those kisses. When I touched her. She was my little, beautiful girl when I was touching her... I want to remember all those feelings I had, coz there are no facts. The fact was that I cried a lot. The fact was that I had biggest breakdown. I don't want to remember this. I want to keep just the beautiful and pure things. Coz they are real. And all the rest is just shit which we've done, which wouldn't be there if... I want to make one thing for her/for me. For me about her. To capture the beautiful stuff. It will be nice)  Today I also made a vid, I took all the live photos and videos of her and kid. It's a beautiful one. I'd love her to have it. But I should not be a ghost.  She were saying that when she will be gone she will block me. But instead, she unfollowed me. Coz she is not gone, I am. But I'm fucking not gone. I need to be gone. Otherwise, all that happened wouldn't make any sense.  And I'm fucking mad that every time she thinks that I'm finding someone new around each corner. Fucking idiot...  I know we will meet again. Somehow. And I believe in her. That she will achieve a lot. That she will be able to work her ass off. 

my sweet little child from the mountains... 

15:15 

7.1.20

[originalkittensublime]

let go

6.1.20 22:30

I guess I'm a bit of a lier.  I wrote that I let go. I didn't and I'm not gonna. And it's the stupidest thing, coz I must let go and don't be a ghost in her life, and at the same time I can't. I Still have her is CF. I write to her even tho she will never see it. Coz I have to talk to her at least somehow. At least somehow I need to get it out of me. I'm on the hill, at her place. Getting over, letting go. Aha, sure. You were just right here, I turn right and reach you. The passenger seat is yours, always. Last, and the only, time we were here all was too fucked up, but we were together. There certainly was a beauty in it. But I'm so much stronger without you. My sadness is endless sometimes but it doesn't kill me. The closest I get to you, Is listen to what you are listening to right now. Thank you for this feature, Spotify.  Today I was checking my phone million times. Kinda addicted, huh... I know I must stop. I know I will. One day. But for the moment, I just have no idea how. Trying hard to convince me that focusing on other people is not a solution. Not like I could anyway. No one will give me something strong enough to break this. Funny thing is that she thought i found someone one day after coming back. Onde day) Sure, baby... I'm not that good.. or that bad? I still believe that was the right decision to make. And Iknow it will take time. To heal. To really get back to me. How much time only God knows...  She wrote to me today. I wanted to cry and hug. Then we chatted a bit, and I felt again that "yes". 

I came here to let go. So I let go. Not completely yet. but making steps. even tho miserably small.  I just wanna hug her one more time. And then one more. and then the ..... you know)  It's time. 

[originalkittensublime]

...

(NOT EDITED) Not sure where to start. 

I was gone, then I was gone again. Then I left her. But didn't let go ..ever. 

Now I'm back in the city. Of course, I was on that street, of course, I was passing by her work a few times. 

When i saw her first time...from the car, from the other side of the road...my whole body was stuckstucked...like some kind of electricityelectrycity run through it... 

wow. Like there was huge physical response. Mega huge. Then I was there again from the other side... and she saw me. And again boom. I hoped she wouldn't

Now I'm waiting for her to come. Not in a place I wanted, and not in a place she said.. so

...

3.1.20

So it was just a randomrandome coffee place. I was nervousnervouse as fuck, when i was waitingwiting few times i was going outside. If ill be still smoking i would, alot. Then she wrote me she is outside...1 sec and im out. just going there. Going there to hug her. I wasnt thinking i just went there and hugged her, and jesus... that feeling...i missed her so much. She was smiling, she seemedseemsed to be ok. We went in, she was happy as fuck. I was reading. I started to read and all the pain i was trying to get over in past month was comingcming back. All that nightmare we went through... when I was saying I can'tcan live like this anymore coz its killing me, i was saying it all the time, writing even screaming at her, and all she heard was, I will be alwaysallways here, we will make it. And then I left. Which made me a lier in her eyes, made me the person who through her outr of the windows, doors and all the other escape holes on the street like a dog. (her words). I read it all. There were a lot of love, alcohol and some drugs. There was changes, written on a paper. I have no idea about real changes. I believe that people dont change. And when they change for another person it'sits never healthy and good. 

I saw on a paper that all her world is me. That her love is so huge, that it took all the place. Which isn'tisnght sound good...but then.. Somethings turned, changed. 

She was mad again, that kind of mad I'm scared to death, that kind of mad which makes me silent and i cant talk. And then i knew will come that "So?"with that look i was scared too... What could I say if the only thing i was saying was that im not going to be back no matter what. She was mad. Mad that i was there. Mad that i was a ghost. Mad that im not back. Just leave or stay. I decided to leave but never left in a way she needed it. i should probably block her...kindergartenkindergarden... 

After she said "don't you ever come to my face" and left to the bathroom, I did what i thought was the best decision, don'tdont come to her face. As i was going away she run out from the coffee place like a hurricane. Throwing things on the floor. Mad as fuck. Screaming at me all kind of those things... She asked me if i something something like a cunt. Cunt) I said yes. What else could i say. I was going away. She was holdingholing me and she was screaming at me and begging to stay at the same time. I saw all the pain again. Also she said that all her days arealre filled with pain even tho she is calm and ok. 

All the things why i endededned it happened that night again. Fuck, how hard was to just stay with my decision. I just wanted to hug her and all would be good. But that'sthats what we were doing all those 3 months. Just being in the present moment doing things that feels good now. Now I'm focusing on the future. 

You were saying me all those things didn't realize that that'sthats what is frighteningfrightenign me the most. Those things would never make me stay. If I'd stay that night, that would be just coz I would want to stop your pain. Not out of positive feelings towards you. Which is wrong. All the things I'll write and all the things I'll do in the future, you might say i don't love you coz if i would love you I wouldn't dowouldn'tdo and say those things. But please realize, that its not that i don'tdont love you, our love is just very very different. Very much. I read this line when i was around 12 and i rememberedremebered it for all my live "just because a person doesn'tdoesnt love you the way you want, it doesn'tdoesnt mean the person doesn'tdoesnt love you from all the heart". Hear? 

Now let me explain. I will explain as much as i can, i will be writingwrting for as long as i can. Coz i think you need and deserve to know and to understand. I cant talk with you. Coz you with your reactions and negative emotions blocking me and i'mim just stuckstucked in myself and in blaming myselfmyslef for everything in this word. 

Now I feel, that I'm recovering fast. This month without you saved my life, the factfack that my phone died saved my life!! Coz if it wouldnt just die i wouldn be able to just let you go, and i would again focus all of my on you, not on myslef. 

You said that you were hoping that I was thinking about you sometimes, that you was there in small things. Dear, you were everywhere. It wasnt for me easy breazy vacation. I didnt have fun, laught and had sex all days long on a sunny beaches. It was completly different story. Which is my story. JUst mine. I went there to come back to myslef. That what i was doing there all the time. I wasnt about anyone inthe world. Just me for me. I needed to recover from all the hell weve made. And I did. And i might seem for you now cold and heartless. But If i wouldnt we would end up in the same shit. 

Im not onlynot gonna be back in those states where i was before i left. I will not even go that direction. Not even one step there. I realized where i was emotionally. And when with a bit clearer head i looked at it, i was shocked and surprised that i got there and survived it. 

And no, I wasnt giving you "half" that time, as you said me in the car. I gave you 150%. And the only mistake i made, was that I dave you too much. I was surviving with you in a mode that couldnt least for a long time. Just that time i didnt realized it. I thought Im doing right. I did what i felt that time. I was never actually lyingling to you. 

I will repeat you things Ive said many times again for the last time. You were for me special. And you know very well, that I have in my life few more very special people for me. They never went anywhere, even when i was with you. And for the last time - you were on top of all of them, I never gave that much to anyone in my life. That is one of the reason why it dint work. I got into this .. how was it bittersweat tornado, and I focused on you too much and lost myslef. 

Thats not how I love, thats not how my free love works. I locked myslef and I died. And i killed you. I had no idea that time it would be like this. But I couldnt not try. I wouldnt forgive myslef. 

You would do anything for me. You dont want anything in this life just to be with me. Somehow, anyhow. Just to be. Seems like you would do anything, anything just to keep me at least a bit, at least once a week. Im everything for you, and thats the reason i cant be with you. 

For me this is not pure and healthy. The only way I could be in some kind of contact with you, would be if you would have your life and priorities, and i would be somewhereon a second third place. That I would know that I'm not your world. That I'm not the only reason you don't feel pain. Only if you would be able to be happy individual I could be with you by your side. Not as close as i was, obviously. 

My goal was never to delete you from my life. But see, for me love is when I'm ok with myself. 

Thats what i was trying to say a lot of times, thats why i solve all by myslef. Only with clear head and when we learn to be happy and FULL by ourselfs, we can make someone else happy, we can give,  without any side feelings, coz if the person will be gone, there will be still a whole world. It wasnt always easy even for me to let go. But i did, I let go everyone, but thay didnt go anywhere. some people who mattes they stay. And doesnt matter how rare is out communication. 

I admire and love when a person has him own life which is more importaint then me. Its terrifying for me, that Im your life, that im everywhere. 

I will not allow to be in my life all this pain and tears and sadness and dramma, and all this. 

You know what says that red label on my wrist? 

Just that red fucking little stuff holded my yesterday from breakdown. Another one. After meeting with you. I wanted to find there, million km away from home something which will remind me all the things i was thinking and realizind there. When I was there just with myslef. Trying to hear me. Realizing what is importaint and how to make my happy again. 

I wasnt happy there. I dint find my piece. I didnt get over anything i didnt clear my head. I thought i will in 18 days there, without phone. Without you. I didnt. But when I came back to Prague... It was like all this 18 days something was preparing and all this i got in Prague. I'm not sure how to call it. But now I'm stronger. Now I'm fighting for myself. Yes, I'm selfish. It's time to be selfish. It's the only way how can I protect myslef and be happy. 

Sorry, But I will be happy, no matter what. There is not a single person in this word who is more importaint then my happiness. Its like in a plain, you first put mask on yourself, then on others. Same thing. 

No matter what you mean for me, I mean for myself more. And just people who understands this and are the same staus by my side. Coz they are the same. 

Just in this case I can be really free, and i can give all the freedome to them. All. Now I dont specify. Now i talk about me, and all the others. Teo, Anton, You, my friend all the special people, all the random strangers. 

It's a bit scarry to me that I'm not broken now, knowing how bad you feel. But I'm putting all my powers to be happy to focus on positive things and to bring positive in my life. Just positive.  Its not that i dant care. Its just when i care i care too much and its killing me , thats all. And its good for nothing and noone. 

When I came back... I saw my kid... Fuck.. You have no idea, but i feel so much love to him now. I realized again that all those months before I didnt feel nothing to him. I knew i love him, but didnt feel. Now this feeling is dreeping out of me. Like never before. In those moments i feel how much i did for myself in this month. I realize that i will never allow to come back even close to where i was. 

I will be ruthlessly cut off all the negative stuff from my life. 

All this months you was in my head, I missed you, I was sad. But then I started to be more me, I wasnt desperate sad, I just missed you in a very warm way. When i was sad, it was still the warm sad. Not the sad which was killing me. Coz Knowing that you are there and you are alive, and you live your life was warm. Would be warm if you would life your life without pain coz im not there. 

And yesterday I got a huge drop down to all the terrible emotions which were killing me. From which i was running away. Which I cut off. Which makes me not me. 

I was writing you if you cant meet 31 not coz i couldnt wait to get rid of you and keys, but coz I missed you so much. Missed with a smile, and warm feeeling. 

I was thinking that i meet you and i felt happy. 

Wanna know something? Before we met, I had in my head the idea, that i will pretend that i forgot keys, just to have the occasion to see you again. That time i was happy that you gave me those damn keys. And If your meeting would be as it started, if I would see, that you really changed and you are focusing on building your life and on making yourself happy, i would meet you again, and maybe then in some time again, and maybe .... 

But all I saw, was that I mad a huge mistake. As I am, for me is weird to just cut off people form life, block them ect... But thats probably what I needed to do, coz cant let me go. 

In this state, even tho you say that you would be happy even if i would be free and we will meet once a week... You will be not. Coz it wouldn't be equal. I would be free, me and happy, doing whatever i want. And you will be living from meeting to meeting pretending that you dont mind how things are just because you can have at least a little piece of me, hoping that I will not want anyone. This is very wrong. 

And yes, i read what you wrote. But you said all those things even before, not with this words, and probably not so strong. But it was there many times. And this pain and things are

not changing in few weeks. Even for me is hard sometimes to let go. But for you... considering how you love me. You will never be happy for any of my other connections. Why would you?

My love doesn't tie down, doesn't wrap people, doesn't cover. It's there. It's my shine. It's free. And I want the same. Thats me. And It's not easy. It takes alot. Even for Anton it's hard sometimes, to handle my feelings towards others, my falling in love, easy ones or stronger. But this is what makes me me, what makes me alive. When it's blocked I'm dying. I need to be free and walk around with a smile. Be light, be alive, be positive pure, too feel unlimited quantity towards whoever I want, KNOWING THAT IM NOT HURTING ANYONE BY THIS!! Coz No matter what you think I'm doing here, I was never killing people by this. And all of them, in the end, are way happier. I showed them something, and they saw how things could be. They became more strong and fearless to search and find what they really want and need. They were able to believe that they can be how they want. Who they are. Some of them are in relationships, and we are not talking, maybe 2-3 messages a year. They are practically gone from my life, and I'm gone from theirs. But I didn't go anywhere basically. They just have their lifes. And I will be happy to see anyone anytime, tmw in year or 20. We might meet and realize there is nothing to talk about. Next time we could meet and feel all the warmest things in the world. Its life people coma and go. And there is always times for each person in our lives. 

When I once (as you say) said you that I will be always here. I meant this. Coz I dint had in plan to go anywhere. Coz this is what i do. I let go but i dont go anywhere. No matter what stories happened, Im still here for all of the people from my past. Just sometimes when with someone we meet, I feel that there is nothing for this moment. 

I could stay here forever. I could If you would be able to build your life without me. Coz thats how it always was with everyone. Thats how i think, feel, am. 

Just i lost myself in you, and all those things i pushed away and all i had in my was you, and continue to say and do some stuff on autopilot, even tho it didnt fit to our situation. Coz your situation was so different and unique. I didnt know anything. Therefor made a lot of mistakes. 

If I could i would do things differently from the beggining. I cant. 

What I can now, Is to be myself. To be happy. I don't see how can I be all of that and have you in my life. Coz you and your love is very different. 

When people love they dont leave. No, when people love, they dont hold. 

Love is not easy, you have to struggle and sacrifice for love, you have to go through shit for good moment. No, love should be easy, yes, its constant work, but work on yourself at first place,  then on the relationship. It can be hard sometimes, but never the struggle. 

I'll copy here my Ig post: 

"Sacrifice 

Once i heard: “True love is full of sacrifices” I was so... so... I couldn’t even say anything to that. I was speechless.I do not remember now what’s anonymous from sacrifice but exactly that is love. In my world love is running away with a mile steps from sacrificing. And when it comes Love is being destroyed. We choose our partners to get stronger to grow bigger to achieve higher. If you sacrifice for the person “because you love” you doing something which you don’t need and that person doesn’t need. Coz in the end no matter how good intention you had, putting yourself into the position of a person who sacrifice something for another, subconsciously you expect the same from the other side. So in the end you are both just unhappy, BUT you could proudly say that you are working your ass off for each other. That’s just so not right. Live is about giving. Things that makes us happy. Giving freedom and support. And you are not afraid to give endlessly coz you know you will not be less. And when you get, you are not afraid to take, coz you know that this person is free too, and she will not obligate you to give bac

k. You give back coz you are free and happy and you are happy to share those capacity. Coz you trust. It’s unconditional. Even if the person walks away. It’s not your choice. This person is not yours. We are all free. And just when person is totally free and he/she comes back to you, this is what matters. I let go coz I want all to be free, coz I know what we had was precious. For both. And he/she knows it too. He/she might go away on his own path, but in some way he/she is still with you. And if it’s not like this then what’s the sense? Love is not about sacrifice! You could call me selfish. But I believe that you could never do anyone happy if you are not truly happy. 

I’m full, I’m whole, I’m happy and I can give. And in this kind of “Give” this will not make me less, it will not kill me even if the person doesn’t give back. Just in this state it’s possible to build good relationship. And it’s doesn’t matter if you live together or see each other once a year. 

No matter how much i give. If the person go his own way, its ok, coz it’s what he/she needs and wants now. I can't just support and be happy for the person."

All that contains tears and drama is far away from this. 

You should be independent and build your happiness and your life. Put all the effort to make yourself truly happy not depend on anyone. Coz your happiness is what is you what is inside you. Not something or someone. In this case all will be killing you again and again. and the more beautiful things will happen the more it will hurt coz you will think that this will be gone and you will suffer again. You cant put yourself in anyone. Coz it will tear you apart. It always did, and it didn't lead to anything good. When you will putt all the effort to yourself you will never lose. Its win win situation. Coz you find real peace and happiness. Coz you will be free. Strong. Not depending on anyone. 

Coz, when you are happy and shining, people want to be around coz this atmosphere is beautiful. You should be the reason of your happiness not me, not anything else. You. All the rest will come when you will realize this. 

I know you were saying you are ok, and you have peace in you, that you feel again how it is to have you. When I was reading i was happy to read it. But then I saw all this pain again. Pain coz I'm not there. The second part of our meeting just contradicts with all that you wrote. Thats how i fell it. 

First time in all those months I'm not affraid to write all. I'm not affraid how you will react on this message. Coz It's just me, I share my thoughts and who I am. Before when i was saying or writing somthing to you, i was stresssed out of my mind. How will you react. Did i say it right? What is the right answer? Coz I was afraid i will make you fell bad or sad or mad. But this all is just who I am. And this month helped me to make few steps back to myself. I still cant talk to you when you look at me like you did. Its just an automatick reaction with which i cant work right now. I'm not that strong yet. But at least I can write you. 

I cant be the only reason of your happiness. Its scares me. It's too much pressure. It would scare anyone who is a bit ok in his head. To be the reason why person is not in pain. 

If I can wish for something I would wish that I will never mean the whole world for anyone. I don't anyone in this word to have a feeling that that could die for me, that they will do anything for me. 

People should do anything for themselves. And when people are together its not coz they depend on each other. I run from it. Its scary and wrong and against all that I believe in. 

In a fact, basically, I'm not going anywhere. I wouldn't go. But I understand that you really need to cut me off your life completely, coz there is no other way. I wouldn't want it. You said me many times with all the pain of this world "stay or just go" And your "go" means disappear from my life. And your stay means all the things i will never be able to give you. Coz how we was togather wasnt right. There wasnt space even for myself, im not talking about

Teo Anton Nastya, and all the other people, and all the new people. I became more like you. Giving all me to another person. You was my world. My whole world. And nothing else mattered. And look where did it lead us...

But this is what you want. Im sorry but i really cant believe that for you will be ok me meeting other people (and doesnt matter what i do wth them) and meeting you once a week. I dont belive that this will make you happy. Ever. And i know that being without me is even worse. But like this after some time you will get over it. It will take time. How long is on you. You can choose to feel better. You can choose to work your ass of to overcome this. And then you will be free and way happier. Not depending on anyone. This is freedome. To not be depended emotionally on anyone. That thing that you said about pet love. Scared me to death... This is just so wrong and fucked up. And if you will not learnt to cut this off your life, you will never be happy. Coz you are full human being, not a helpless animal. You are beautifull and strong personality. 

You would be happy to see me with someone else just when you will let me go. Not get over me. Im not gonna be over you ever. "There will be no getting over you". But I let you go. And you can't. And with all the feelings you have i have no idea how could you. All your feeling are very strong and very beautifull, but they are not free. 

I hate to bring you so much pain. But the worst is the fack on its own THAT IM ABLE TO BRING YOU SO MUCH PAIN. When I came back to myself i feel that i'm stronger again and I'm again slowly but getting back where I was. Noone can hurt me unless i will alow it. Coz It's just on me, not on someone else. (except when someone will just put a bullet in me, there i cant do much) But the emotional state is something we can and should control. 

It might seem that Im saying that I will be just with happy person in happy moments coz its easy. That would make me not so great) But You should know that im not like this I'm far from this. 

Its not about that. Its about presets and settings in your head. Of course, there could be harsh times for everyone, and I dont remember myself letting someone down when i knew i could help somehow. Or just to talk to a person, give some advice. Or be there. I can be support. But never a whole reason for feeling ok or happy. 

People who are around me, I want to have a desire to reach them. To be inspired by them, and to inspire them back. I wan't to look at them and feel that they are hustling in their life for their happinness and when they need a little support to kick their ass in the direction of making theyir life happy. And be somewhere next. No matter how close of far. 

One of the most important people for me, I see this person once a year. Doesn't make it worst. And no, I cant say that i relay on this person 100% and that no matter when i call i know i will get help there. NO. Its not about this. I don't feel this to anyone. Coz i respect all the lifes. I can never just relay on anyone, coz this person could have his own stuff to solve and deal right now. The only one i can relay is me. And of course i know there are people who will support me. But its not like they are obligated. And if they will not, i will understand why not. 

Actually I feel now so much purity and energy, I wish I could somehow share it with you, and help you to become a happy person, but I'm exactly not the person who should to it. Coz it's like a drug. And to overcome it and be happy you should get rid of drugs - me) And I feel that untill I'm in your life you wont be able to do it. And I know you said that I'm not addition. 

But i dont know how else to call it. 

After many month, I feel the power and desire to work on myself. For the better future. To think and plan future and put afford to it. To slowly get rid of all bad habbits and bad influences. To make all i can to make myslef happy. To clear my mind to be in perfect balance with my disasters inside)

All that i have in my head is "SORRY, BUT I WANT TO BE HAPPY"

I kno

w that all that is inside of us creating all our life, that is why i don't want any negative anymore, coz it affects our body, our life, the things around. Its all so much connected that its unbelievable. 

And I don't want to be for someone just "saver from pain". I want to be an addition. I want to make whole happy lives even happier. That's the only way when i can give and not be afraid that person will get addicted on my or on what i give. I just make it a bit better. Add something extra to already something beautiful. This is pure and not harmful for me. 

I have no idea how will be my life now, how and with who will be my future. But I know I will be happy. I decided to be happy. No matter what. No matter how hard is it. No matter how hard is no say "no", and make some decisions. I'm sorry, but i want to be happy. Happy in who I am and how I am, and next to me will stay just people who can also trully TRULLY be happy for who I am and what I am. For who my decisions will be not harmfull. 

I really dont fully get it... I thought after yesterday I will be broken again as i was allways. I thought all this 3 weeks of hard work to bring myslef back was just gone by few hours with you. But I fell ok. I cant understand how the hell can i be ok, knowing that you are suffering. But I stopped taking on myslef responsibility of someones happiness. I cant make anyone happy. I can make happy myself. The only person in the world who goes over this rules is Teo. 

All the rest... no ,not Anton, not even my parents. No one happiness is my responsibility. I'm sorry if you think that Im cruel and cold by saying this. But this is who I am and what I believe in. And always was. I just lost myself for a while. 

And a big part of this is Teo. I know that i can give him endless love just when im like this. When I'm happy. Not coz something or someone. Not coz somethins is happening or not. I dont want not to run away and just to be with mysleft coz i dont know where and how to put somewhere all my feelings tat are tearing me apart. I want to come back to him, and give him all of me, all of my love. Coz Im finally stong and have capacity for giving him all this. To be there for him with my mind not just dead body. And this worth it all. And just in this state i can give not only to Teo, but to everyone. I'm learning again to feel, seems like learning to walk from the scratch again. But as im learning to feel, I'm learning to be happy and to feel feeling for all, bright, true, pure feelings. 

Im sorry, but i chose to be happy. This is me. And i would not block you in insta. If what I have there will hurt you, please dont follow me.  I respect you, and will not chase you or be a ghost. I will not. I will be just me, I will be happy. And I want you to know that I will be happy to see you again. Coz my feeling... I know it seems that thay changed a lot. But in the fact they didnt. They just got into the form that is not harmful for me. Unfortunately its harmful for you. 

And I dont want to be a reason of pain as much as i don't want to be a reason of happiness for you. 

I might be wrong. But if things would really really change, yesterday meeting wouldnt look like that in the end.

Im sorry, I choosed to be happy. And yes, I will welcome with warm hug anyone who will come with warm and positive and pure feelings to me, who will want to make me even happier, not expecting anything back. 

Selfish? yes, alot, a guess. But this is the only way how i can recover and give back my pure and huge shiny energy i had inside. I was shining all over the place. I lost it. And i will not lose it again. 

I know there will be hard times, sometimes. But I will fight them all. And I will be able to make other happy and give just with this attitude. 

I'm not cruel. I'm not a cunt. Im pure and kind. And finally I started to belive in it again. You, you made me belive in opposite many times. And its hard to go back. And I'm not blaming you, it was just my perception of your words and actions and what i allowed to happen. I dodnt get when and how i tottaly lost myse

lf. 

I dont want anymore be sad and reflect every sad song i hear. I dont want any more stress and dramma in my life, I dont want to freeze on the street, i dont want to go to sleep later then 22, I dont want to be lost, i dont want to be tired, depressed, melancholic... I want to move forward. I want work my ass of for a better life, for better wellbeing, for better body, better mind, I want to work, i want to feel, I want avoind alohol, cigarettes, bad habits. I want to avaod anything which is not moving me with every step to better life not now but in the furute. in 1 year, 5 years. I want to go there, I see bright and wonderfull future, I dont know with who or how. But i know i can. anyone can. And every day I will make a small step to a happier furute. And I want people like this around me. 

I will always welcome people like this in my life. 

Yes, It's easier just to lie down under the blanket and be sad and cry over all sad things in life then fight for own hapiness, takes a lot of energy, but it will bring way more effort in the future. 

I didnt get over shit) And balive me, this all is not easy for me. But I understand how valeable this is. And for this understanding im greatfull, coz it's the most powerfull triger. To realize and understand what for you do stuff, what the thigs you do today will bring you in the future. What can you make to feel at least a bit better. Small things, step by step, but in right direction. Coz you know where it will eventually lead you one day. 

I dont want to be blamed, i dont want to feel guilt, i dont want to make fuckups, i dont want to make bad decisions. I want to be happy. Not coz of something, but coz of me. Then Im endless treasure with light. for everyone. Yeah, thats my shine. 

I dont wanna be your shine. I want you to find yours.

I dont wanna be your shine. I want you to find yours. In you. 

As I did. 

I dont think that you will fully understand me, as you think i dont listen dont read and dont understand you. But maybe this will make the whole stuff at least a bit more clear for you. And for me. I wrote this more for myslef. To remeber al this. To read it again and coma back to this state when needed. 

To never forget what the red line in my body means. BEYOU.

those are not just words. Those two words doesnt mean much untill you dont put meaning in it. And i Put the whole universe to it. This red mark on my body is my ticket to bright happy future. I dont know with who. But I know for sure it will be wonderfull!

I want to beback to all my sided to the purest person and kindest, to the slutty slut, to shy girl, to honest happy kid, to silly creature, to crazy weirdo, to depressed darkness JUST WITH MYSELF AND FOR ONE EVENING, to a stunning lady, for caring for not caring sometimes, to fale sometimes in a way that it doesnt actually matter alot, to free to feel and do whatever i want. But with thinking about consequences. Thinking subconciously just as i used to.

Yes, I will do mistakes, coz I'm not on an easy path. But i will do all i can not to forget and lose myslef again. No matter what!!

I never wanted to cut off you out of my life, I wanted to cut out all the negative stuff. And I dont want to fight with you or for you or for anyone else, i dont want to struggle i dont want to suffer. I will not put myself or my energy for saving anything! I will be happy and i will be myself and i will emit warmness and shine as I used to. Thats how it always could work. Thats the only way it could. When troubles come to relationships people should start to work on themselfs and if those are the right people it will bring them closer to each other. When we were in shit with A i never fighted for him or for us. We both started

to work on ourselfs with psychotherapist and by ourselfs too, this brought us back to the right path. Thats the only way I will always do it. I was never fighting for anyone. The only person I was fighting for was you. And it killed me it killed you. wrongwrongwrong! I learned. I did. If you think im cold and selfish. OK. You have all the right, i guess. But i look back and analyze all my life how i was how i am who i am how it worked what i did, and this is what i see. This is my truth. This is me.

This is me to who Im coming back through everything and everyone who will come on the way. To shine again. To feel this endless energy in me. To be so alive that it contagious for all the people around!!

Im not going away from this road, no matter what and noone will stop me.

I’m sorry, but i choose to be happy.

__________

all this text is on my wrist, all this text marked me with a red line and comes from it. This all I put to the two primitive words BE YOU and two one red line.

[originalkittensublime]

I don't see you fighting

The unread message "How do you feel".  I feel like shit. And I'm mad.

When I came home he said that I look like I'd cry all night. That was exactly how I feel. Just imagine crying all night long. Seriously... I think it should be as tough as hell. This shouldn't happen. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. And what is between me and B. But even now I can't imagine a person who would do and say things she did and I'll be ok, let's just ignore. 

Yesterday she was looking at me and saying that I don't try I just feel sad or hurt. And that I don't fight for her. Ha. And in the morning there were two options I'll be sad and hurt or I will smile like nothing happened. I felt miserable. Because I couldn't believe she could speak to me like that. She will always blame me that I wasn't fighting for her and that I wasn't there for her when she felt the wors. Which is now. She told me a story about her boss at work. She posted a story with a fucking quote. Ok. She wants me now to do something more to say something nice... But I don't do it. I don't lie. If everything I was giving leads to this, then apparently something is wrong. And I can't give more. I can't give even the same amount coz I'm exhausted for a long time. I was surviving on her smile. which is gone. And now I don't see any sense in this. First of all, I don't see why it's good for her. Second of all, she hates the idea of me being with him (him, btw is the most important person in my life). And last tiny thing... I feel that I'm on the age... I felt it all this time, but now I'm not close in actually halfway there... you know where... After she called...we were talking, it didn't make any sense.  In the evening I went to her...and everything was perfect. Until. Until it wasn't. we were talking then screaming, we were both tired desperate and hurt and mad and sad and i don't know what else. We were there for a long...then I realized that I'm broken. As much as its possibly possible. I couldn't stand more. Like I really couldn't. I said I will go home. Then I said take me with you. Then I decided that I will go home. "Please take me with you". Fuck... I Went. Or better to say my body did. In a taxi, I said "I will kill myself like this" and she replayed "this is life".... I was too empty to disagree. But fuck it's all wrong. No one should kill themselves for a relationship. Relationships that are killing you are no good. Ever. Dot. And that night I was fucking happy I'm there with her...I almost didn't sleep. I felt totally but totally fucked and broken and empty. I've never been in a state like this. Never ever in my life. How the hell did that happen? How da hell did I allow myself to get so deep?  In the morning I left as I was I just stand up and left. I was sleeping in my clothes and sweater. And I still felt cold. I can't even describe my state. I was shaking and crying. I came there to make things better and I ended up like this...I  came there to say, that I will not handle any more drama coz I'm in the end. And we made the biggest drama ever. And I was really, in the end, that time. And the state I got in after... fuck... I really can't find words for it. That morning I wasn't mad at all...I was nothing. I didn't have any power or energy to be anything, to fight, to solve, to talk. Nothing. I didn't care anymore about anything. I just wanted to survive somehow. I was a mom on autopilot. Smiling took me impossible. I'm so beyond being hurt. By myself.  As soon as I could I took a car and went...guess where on her street I was sitting and smoking on the street. Suddenly I stand up and run away from there... I was driving the same road I was following her that morning in a car. I had another cigarette at the place we first met. It was cold I got into the car. Music on max. Every song was somehow about all that. I saved a lot. I was sad. No, I wasn't sad.. fuck I can't find the words. I knew she is so close to me. I couldn't go away from there and I also couldn't see her. Coz that would be total collapse.  Now I'm on the bus away from the city. Away from the country. Away from all them. Away from myself still... I thought I'm feeling better but then she wrote... First, I was happy. Then we started to talk. She was blaming me that I didn't say goodbye that she deserves at least that. She was telling that the person who loves can't just turn around and go away.... Well... I even didn't have any powers and energy to fight against this. And the only thing I felt was that I'm drowning more and more down. While talking to her. Yes, I know I didn't do everything in the best way. There could be a lot of things that we could do differently. Those 2.5 months I was trying to make it a bit balanced a bit better. But It didn't work anyhow. And I honestly don't believe that relationships drama will be ever gone. It will be not.  All those her mad and cold reactions even on small things. They were throwing me back a lot. Like a lot. I was fighting with myself to handle it. It was hard but I was convincing myself that I'm strong and i can learn. But then there was again new, with which I didn't know what to do...  "the only thing you left me is a hole inside of me and two fucking coffee cups" I wasn't trying. I was trying like hell. And in the end, I broke. And all I left is a hole. A hole. After all this. A hole. She will never leave a hole in me. No matter how hurt and broken I am. 

I miss her like hell. I try not to think about good moments coz it tears me apart. I think I will always love her. My feelings will never change. But I could never be with her. Or I could of course. But will always be like this. And I don't wanna live like this. I have a kid for whom I'm responsible. But I wouldn't do it to myself anyway. but maybe I'd go even deeper and damage myself more. I know I will be ok. Sooner or later. And I don't regret it! I'm so happy that I met her. She gave me a lot. I've learned a lot. Those feelings?... Oh my...  That's why it hurts so much now. It won't be easy.  I hope my runaway will help me. To fix me a bit. To get back to life. To myself.

[originalkittensublime]

Circle

"When you love something you love it even if it's killing you" That's how we do it, that's not how people should do it.  We are in a circle... And now there are 4. ta fucking da. We've never thought we would end up like this.  The only way how it all could possibly work is to live all together. This I don't want. This he doesn't work. Dot. Happy ending. Is not happening.  No matter how it will end and when I'm happy for all that happened. I've learned a lot. To deal with my feelings, to deal with feelings of others. To solve things. I still stress out of my mind in some situations, obviously. Coz those are not solvable situations.  All the problems are from nedotrah. I always say it. Even here. We decided to take it seriously. I'm gonna do some steps to solve my blocks in this. Then all will be a tiny bit better. We will be closer to A. And like that we could solve everything.  She showed me how does it feel for him when I'm being wood in the mornings. She showed me how does it feel when I miss the feeling of bringing her pleasure, and it's not happening. She showed me how important is to talk even tho it's fucking hard. With her (one more time) I realized that it's important to trust a person no matter what. Coz of this I (again) change my attitude to T.P. I doubted him, his feelings. But it wasn't right. She showed me what it is to fight against everyone when you believe in what you feel.  And yes... I'm lost of course. I don't see how could it work. And for more. I'm tired coz I don't have my time. And I have too little time with Him. We went too far without thinking. And yes, I always do it this way, you just jump in. But, the thing is that I used to jump in with Him, and we were stopping each other or correcting the path. Now we are too separated, and we ended up here. Where it's too hard to handle and solve.  All two months I was trying hard... I worked my ass off to make it a bit more stable and easier for all of us. But sometimes I feel, that it's getting just more complicated.  We got into the point where to leave it like this is not very correct, but for the moment we can do nothing anyway. I'm slowly turning into a careless bitch. To protect my feelings. Also, I want to go back to a slutty bitch... which goes a bit against what we have here. Nah... I realized that I miss dich a lot. This part of me is important. But I have to block it now coz I can't have it until all of us are stable. And we are never gonna be stable. See? Circle.  I miss being young wild and free. I even missed it sometimes with Him and I was complaining that I don't have enough freedom. But I got too much freedom and here we go.  We were saying that we should never go into people separately. That it's not correct, we were teaching others this. And we did exactly the opposite.  I'm stuck... we are. I cant accept and feel P coz of B. And that is why P will always feel bad around us. The same is with B. She will never get along with A and she and he would never feel good about each other and being together. Spending time in 3 is not right towards the 4th person. See? Circle.  I wanna create something big and beautiful...pure and positive.  

[originalkittensublime]

5 things

NOT FINISHED You asked me. And I was stuck for a while. Not coz I couldn't think of one. Cos there were too many. We know each other for... how long? 10 days?)) And there is so much and so little at the same time.

Beauty.... that would be the first thing. Coz more I look at you more I like you. Sorry for staring. But I will not stop. It's impossible. And the amazing thing is, that no matter how long I look at you and try to remember every fuking cm of your body and face, I then look at your pic, and it seems like you are so far, so not mine. There is actually beauty in it as well. Sorry, but Edward)) And I have nothing to say to this, for now) Love..... you showed me a totally new love. The most unconditional. The most unpredictable. The most the most. I'm very careful with the word "love". With you.... I said it way earlier then I would do normally. And still, I was afraid it was  too soon. But fuck no. It wasn't. Not al all. Even if it will end soon, I will never doubt that it was love. true. pure. honest. mine. yours.

Fear. last few years thought me to let go people easily. To respect their freedom. With you, all this fell down. I'm scared. Scared of losing you. Scared that I will not be able to keep the balance between you and him. That you will fall for someone, even tho I really wish you would find someone who will make you happier then I can... I want you to be happy. Like fucking much! A lot... But I'm afraid of losing you. And also I'm afraid, that I will hurt you...coz I will never forget that night and your eyes full of pain. All that you've said. It's still in the background.

[originalkittensublime]

Her. B.

15:37 Ive said ill have a meeting and after I'm free, and can stop by. I left home, took something for her and I'm sitting 10 meters away in the coffee place. I thought I'll be having a meeting. But I am actually. I'm having a meeting with myslef... Those are actually the most important.  So many things are going on. I'd say I'm lost in it. But I feel that I really grew a lot and now it's way harder to unbalance me. I also still think that sometimes it's better to just let go and see how it goes, then to try to solve something. Coz there are situations where you don't fucking know. Totally new, totally not solvable. One could say that a happy ending is even not possible. But you know me... all my life I believed in fairy tales. Thay said don't it will hurt when you'll realize that live aint fairy tale. But I didn't care. And you know what? I'd say my life is pretty much a fairy fucking tale. We are the creators of our lives.  SO, I do belive even this could end up well.  I met her one not tottaly sober night with no reason. For no reason. I just had an idea in my head. So I did it. Coz sometimes you just don't think, you do. And it's the best you could do. Or not. It's really very variable.  She came, I gave her a short letter. My plan didn't work. The whole meeting was weird. Who the hell is she and why I'm here. She was above... above things most people are not. I ordered a taxi. We were standing and I knew I have to do something, coz would be stupid to just leave it like this. "Can I hug you?"  You know, hugs... they never lie. Never. That time I didn't know that it was hug from Aries. The hug was longer then we both expected. She is poetic, she loves to fall with her head into things. Well, she couldnt choose better. Coz I'm the same. And in here noone will further think we will feel.  I didn't know what to do with her, so I decided to see her again... I was in the best possible mood for her to fall in love with me. It was soooo unbeliveable. I didn't know how to ... what was.. why did... The next day she came again. That night I tottaly and irrevocably fell in love with her. Like fucking much. There were too many questions but I tried not to think. I've never met a person whos pleasure would give me such a huge explosion of emotions. I've never fallen in love so deeply so fast and so inexplicably.  I wanted to be with her all the fucking time. It was scary, coz unusual. Also coz I'm not in a state where I can do whatever the fuck I want.  I still didnt figure her up. I'm learning. everyday. I will figure it out. I've said that I will fight for it. I will just in case where I will believe that it brings her more positive than negative stuff. It will be not easly, coz she is not simple. This is the best and the worst part about her. But I love her just the way she is.  I'm not sure if I will handle her. All her states, weak moments... Coz I care so much, that sometimes it's just killing me. She is telling me all the time "don't worry about me". I was like how da hell I can not worry about you, idiot? But I realized that I really have to worry less, coz I'm just over worrying. Coz I care about her so fucking much. And I'm not sure for how long I'll be able to deal with the fact that I cant be there for her when she needs, coz I have to be with someone else. It doesn't make much sense. But non of us is willing to let it go now.  And then the kisses....

16:26

[originalkittensublime]

A boy with grapes

27.6.19. NOT EDITED

2011 

All started later. You are one of a kind. bohuzel, bohudik.  Could be the end of the story, hah?))  But of course its not... there is way way more to tell then i will. maybe once i will, when i will learn how to write.  Mix,vodka,songs,podyezd,cigarettes,pizza,apple&honey,you,yourguitar,gone...you,kiss,fuckingkiss,support,tears,high,forest,pinetrees,dirtysweater,gone...you,desire,youhave5minutes,boryspil,wow,what was that, gone...sharing,fun,sweet,you,morning,boom,wife?what,ok,confusion,gone,gone,gone..... Im in Kiev, you know nothing about it, I'm waiting for the bus which will never come, i turn my head to the left...T.P. I wish I could describe my feelings at that 5 seconds. I cant, of course I cant. It was you. Weird. We had few cigarettes and you, as usually gave me a piece of your music. Dakha Brakha -Monah. This song is yours forewer. Just as many many more. If usually i have connected to one person 1 or 2 songs, to you I have connected the whole eternity of songs. You, always as someone "unknown" but warm at heart. 

I've realised, I always say that for me is importaint to see whats behind the wall, to touch the soul. That's what I do. BUT! I've touched your soul, but i was never behind the wall.... long confused pause...You keep teaching me, bastard) I didn't know it's possible. You are leavingme with so many questions, and I love and hate it. 

Let me be cheesy. I think our meeting on the bus stop... meant to be.) 2019 blew my mind. I always felt nervous around T. I felt myself but not enough so i could just relax. Silly) Im growing... I see how Im changug byour meetings. Coz they are so rare. Maybe coz its you.  Sunset. Happy to see you, last seconds to buy beer, banka,  moon, time which flies by, a dog in the window.  I want to remember every detail with you.

Thext time we've spent around 10 hrs togather. I fell in love. Yeah, thanx a lot.(sarcasm) And really, thank you!! (pure and honest). I will not explain what the hell we did that night coz it would make any sence. What da hell you were doing its the whole another qustion, and i wish i knew. I just hope I wan't another "debt to yourself". You are giving me... and I'm so not used to "taking mode". I need to give also, thats what makes me happy. Another thing you are teaching me. And im learning. Beliveing in myslef. another thing. And in so many different ways. Believing in what i do, believeing in who I am. Support and care from your side, I cant understand where you taking it? You are just hitting strikes to my weakest points. Why... a lot of whys))  I also learning how not to ask all those question and just believe to everything what happend.  When it's heating heart with a strike... it's hard, coz I've never learned how to believe that saying "goodbye" is not forever. Maybe you will be the one who will also teach me this. If yes... fuck ...  you were touching my soul and I was touching yours. But we don't know each other. (Just deleted another doubt) I'm learnign fast, dont i?))  When after THAT night you've disapeared for 3 days. Were online all the time, but never read my messages. It hurted as fuck. seriously, alot. Then I've decided to change it. and i did. You have no idea. the whole world just turned around inside. Im still going there, but the first huge step was made. I think its even more then half way.  This all doesnt change a fact that i wanna know you. I wanna know your dark side. I wanna know everything about you. Too much? maybe. I wanna be there for you. Coz you gave me more then you think. Why me, i try not to ask myslef.  If I will not see you anymore, I will be still happy, but if i will, i will try to let you know that you can open up to me. Coz you didnt, not as you wanted to.  This time I've touched your hands. You thnought I'm a child, but you know it was more then just touching hands. It was weird for you, but i think you realised it as well. MAybe later.  Or maybe it was just a regular weeked for you. Fuck, i have no idea))  I have no idea about your life and its horribe. I'm not used to this. ANd first time in my life, I dont have a clear prof from your side, but i've gave all of me to you. all that i could.  I'm affraid that next time, I'll record the entire time I'll be with you. It's creepy. But not so much if you don;t know about it, right?)  But the one and only truth is, that people like you they are too rare. That is why they are too precious. Everything will end one day, but the important thing is aftertaste. In the end, it's all we got.  we were walking for so long... till the sunset. Just like with A.S. The whole situation reminded me that story. Just a few night which ended by sunrise. He died, I hope you will not. That wouldnt be fun... "was it all true" "yes,yes"