outofmycu

[outofmycu]

I’ve been thinking about the implications of what it means when women say, ‘I want to live in my body’ or ‘I want to get back in touch with my body’ or ‘I need to get out of my head.’…Coming from the values and cosmology of She Who Is Whole Unto Herself, my body is my home, sovereign and holy….If you are not living inside your body, where are you living? And who has taken up residence inside you in your absence? Whose stories do you believe? And whose agenda does that serve? If you are divided from your body, you are divided against yourself. You are homeless in the most dire sense of the word.

I want to ask every women:

When did you leave home? Why did you leave? Do you ever come home to visit? How long do you stay? What would happen if you returned to stay? What would it take for you to come home for good?

— Ruth Barrett, Our Holy Book Has Always Been Our Female Flesh and Blood

[outofmycu]

We need to see that men die once and women die twice. Women die as beauties before their bodies die.

The Beauty Myth, Naomi Wolf

[outofmycu]

Naomi Wolf - The Porn Myth

Interesting read…

[outofmycu]

human consumption isn’t directly dictated by numbers of humans, it’s dictated by relationship to power. the more power you have in this global economy the more you consume. 

can we stop pretending it’s the majority of the population consuming the majority of the worlds resources, when we already know who consumes the majority of the worlds available resources

newsflash: it’s not the worlds impoverished.

your edgy bullshit claiming people should stop having kids to save the environment comes from a position of power where you think everyone consumes as much as you do.

[outofmycu]

4:47pm

I’m scrolling through @ellorahaonne’s instagram when I come across a picture of her in a mirror, wearing a shirt with a quote that stops me mid-scroll emblazoned across the front: “I’m building the future I wanna live in”.

It’s hard for me to watch videos of these women. It’s hard for me to scroll through Ellorah’s instagram, or watch one of Hitomi Mochizuki’s videos on Youtube. And I understand why. Because these are not just beautiful women. They are human beings. They are incredible, powerful, and domineering women. They are working on themselves. They want to heal themselves. They want to know about the world. They are constantly developing themselves. 

I am not like these women. At least, I wasn't. I’m trying to change now. But I was satisfied where I was. I was unhappy, and I didn't want to heal. But I want to be like these women.

It’s jealousy that brews inside me when I watch one of Ellorah’s videos and have to click off in order to not get upset. I’m not as in touch with my emotions, with what I feel, with the world around me as she seems to be. I’m not as emotionally or intellectually intelligent as I presume she is. I don’t read anymore. I rarely watch movies. I’m not really interested in anything.

But I want to change that. I want to become a different person. I want to become like them. I am not jealous of them because of their beauty; in fact, when I see a beautiful woman, I don’t feel the same jealousy that I feel when I see a beautiful and empowered woman. 

That’s hard to sink in. 

The fact that I don’t want anyone else to progress, just because I remain stagnant.

But these women are women I admire because they put in the effort to become who they are. These women are the way they are because they put in the work, day in and day out, to become who they are. If they stopped and spent all day scrolling through Instagram, like I have done in the past, they wouldn’t be women I’m jealous of.

If they didn’t read, if they didn’t write about their feelings in such a profound way, they wouldn’t be women I admire.

It’s easier for me to look at a beautiful woman and find her beautiful. It’s harder for me to look at a beautiful, strong woman and not feel jealous. 

But as long as that’s something I admire in them, it’s also something I can be.

I’m making myself a promise. Today, and tomorrow, and the day after, I will no longer slow down. I will occupy myself all day with things. With writing, reading, meditating, doing chores about the house. I want to be a different person in a month, two months, three months. By this time next year, I want to be a different person. I want to be the sort of person people look at like Hitomi or other girls I admire.

Back to the shirt - when I build a future I want to live in, I want to be the type of person I want to be inspired by. I want to be like these girls that inspire me. I want to invoke that inspiration inside other people. I want other people to meet me and be touched by the way I see the world. I want my kindness to overflow over everyone I meet, my empathy, the way I see people. I want to touch people   I meet and impact them and make them remember me. 

I want to be the type of person I would admire. Someday, I hope that I can admire myself. I hope I can truly love myself, without the aid of ecstasy. I also want to build a better future through veganismo and low waste. I think they’re good philosophies to live by, even if the impact is actually quite low. I think the way you move through the world does affect who you are, on some level.

So - “I’m building the future I want to live in”. 

The future body I want to live in. The future mind I want to live in. The future world I want to live in. Through books, meditation, writing, studying.

(Why do I associate a negative feeling in my bones with the word “studying”?)

[outofmycu]

“And she’s scared of her heart. Oh, the things it can make her do.”

— etoile-filantes

[outofmycu]

There is a difference between kising someone because they are attractive and kising someone because word can no longer accurately express your feelings for the person.

[outofmycu]

Thursday, April 4th

11:20am 

I have a very big problem with lying. 

I had several topics to start off my first blog post with. I could have talked about how I was going to use Wordpress to write my first blog, because I saw some girl on Instagram that I used to follow using it, but then realizing that it would take too long to figure out how to use the platform just to write about my feelings (which I’ve desperately been needing to do). I could have talked about how watching Maisie Williams lie about a Game of Thrones spoiler in an April Fool’s joke with Jimmy Fallon triggered a memory of J (specifically around 2:31, when she stares at Jimmy in fabricated fear, and remembering J’s face when I told her I had cheated on her). I could have even chosen the notion that I want to try ecstasy with my mom, after my experience with L (I need to come up with better nicknames for the people in my life).

But I’m going to start off with lying.

I guess I can write about those things later. I can write about the podcasts I listen to, whatever. I can write as many times as I want to, about anything I want to. I think it will be easier on here over pen and paper, because although pen and paper can be extremely cathartic in the way my fingers connect to the pen and paper like a stream of consciousness, it can get a little messy.

In any case.

I have a very big problem with lying.

I lie about everything in my life. I lie at least three times a day, when I’m with other people. I lie about how I’m feeling, I lie about what I did that day. I lie about big things. I lie about why I failed my course. I lie about things that have happened to me.

Actually, this is too much to talk about right now. This goes way deeper than I imagined. I’m starting to realize how defined I am by my lying. How I lie to myself about who I am so often, I’m starting to forget. I’m starting to think I am a lie, even though I pride myself so much on being honest with myself (outwardly) and not caring about what people think.

Am I lying when I think I have been sexually abused? I think I may be. But then, why do I not remember the first time I masturbated? Why do I react to sex the way I do? Why does oral sex disturb me? Is it biological, or is it mental?

I remember the time a guy I was sexting on Instagram told me he couldn’t come through oral sex anymore, but that it was just mental because he could come through penetrative sex. That really stuck with me.

(God, when I start writing down what I feel, I really start to realize how much is wandering around in my head that I don’t let out. So much starts flowing. So many thoughts start emerging.)

A lot of things stick with me, and I forget a lot of other things. Very odd things stick with me, too. Very specific things. Like L telling me how superior he felt to his work colleagues. 

Okay, now I was looking for icons for my Tumblr blog and I got distracted and thought about gender again. Fuck my ADHD brain.

Lol I made my account private because this shit is about to get deeeeeeep.

Bruh I need to choose one topic and stick to it like omg. But it’s so hard when one thought leads to another and another I just wanna write what I think about.

But like, I just opened my dash and saw a black cat just as my black cat (Bruno) was in front of me. And I realized I need to be more in contact with myself instead of focusing on being in contact with L. 

Which is funny because last night I realized I was in L’s life. Like for a second there I thought I didn’t exist to him? Idk if that makes sense. Like I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt like I was a stranger to him for some reason. I can’t reconnect with that experience right now if I try to, but I just... like, when I thought about him I was like, wow. This guy is in love with me. Isn’t that weird? This guy cares about me (does he?). I’m in his life. I’m part of his life (am I?).

It was really weird. Idk if I felt distant to him too. Maybe I felt like I wasn’t part of his life. Maybe when he starts ignoring me, I start imagining my life without him so much, that last night it actually materialized in my mind. One day we will actually be strangers though. And that’s not in a far off future. Which is weird to think about. But like, it’s gonna happen. Soon. You know?

I’ll be fine by then, though. Tbh like I don’t wanna sound like an evil bitch but I do want to learn from him. I don’t want to drain him, but I want every time I spend with him to be a learning experience. I want to learn from him. I want to be a different person by the end of the year.

Btw, it’s so much easier writing on a laptop than on a journal. Also bc I’m scared people with find my journal. I might take pictures of it and post them here to document what I was feeling then and keep that shit, but like also not have the physical evidence of all of those dark thoughts that I was having.

The physical evidence really freaks me out. I used to think I had no reason to keep a diary, because I had nothing to hide. But I have more to hide than I had thought. I have a whole world inside me, unexplored. And the more I write about what I feel, the more I realize I hide more than I show. Soooo much more. I wonder if everyone is like that. Probably. Like 100% actually lol.

I need to start being more conscious of how I feel. I need to really connect with myself. I’ve spent so long disconnecting with myself. I was thinking this last night - I don’t remember when, but I remember looking at my hands or something, maybe walking back from the gym for some reason, and thinking - man, I really want to know myself. Omg yes! I was listening to that song by Luisa Sonza, “Pior Que Possa Imaginar”, and that really triggered that feeling in me. Like I needed to know what was inside me. Like I need to explore myself better than I’ve ever explored anyone else, to understand what I feel, in order to like... tame myself.

Because I don’t really know myself. And I don’t trust myself. The fact that I am so bad at manual labor - so scared of cutting someone else’s hair, of learning how to drive a car - reflects how I feel inside about myself. I don’t trust myself to do things. I think I’m stupid and incapable, therefore I become stupid and incapable. But I want to change that. Genuinely. I want to change how stupid and incapable I feel.

Even though it was a tiny victory, yesterday when I was helping my mom put up the curtains, I felt so capable. Maybe today I will cook something. I will bake sweet potatoes. And I could make a brownie or something, I don’t know. I don’t know what I will do, but I am going to do something manual. I think every day I will try to do one manual thing, and one mental thing (aside from writing). If I translate the manual into mental, I will improve as a person.

I have soooo much work to do on myself and I’m only 21. How does that happen?