p0ssesed0r0bsessed

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

The more I'm myself the less I'm with them. The more I'm myself the less I'm with them. The more I'm myself the less I'm with them.

Absolutely horrifying how growing into your own version of an adult has the dire consequences of not fitting in with your flesh and blood. I can be sitting next to them, dressed similarly (still standing out), but if you took out our souls you'd see only 9. I gave up my soul and lost my family in the process. I'm standing with the 10 and I'm sticking out like a sore thumb with my green hair and non-conforming clothes and thoughts that one would get killed for a few thousand years ago.

And they don't even care about all that but I feel out of place and my voice is not heard and I'm just standing and everyone is existing but I'm standing and standing and standing

And it gets worse every time, they don't change but I keep evolving and the change is hating me for my guts but my heart can not stop growing and it hurts it hurts it hurts

I could sit and talk about babies or God or about marriage. And I have not thought of any of that since the last time I saw them. If I would want to bring up a thought outside of babies or God or marriage, it would be me defending the thought against a group of almost 20 adults.

And I don't even care that I cannot say my thing or have to say their thing or just have to stay quiet, but I can't even sing or dance or exist freely bec I'm a girl and girls are meant to be not seen and not heard. I can dance and I can cry and I can do anything but hide away away away from people away away away from family and brothers and siblings and people you love but they can not love you the way you need to be loved

And I sit at the table listening to conversations I know far too much about and do not say a word. Because my words mean nothing because I was born with 2 x chromosomes instead of xy. And they sit and talk and I sit and listen and wish to laugh fully or sing fully but instead I sit and do nothing and drown my sorrows in the wine they graciously allow woman to drink.

I want to go. I know I will have fomo but I need to go bec I keep hurting myself by watching everyone having a good time but I am here and I'm sticking out if they see it or not. And I can sit but I can not talk and I can stand and stand and stand and stand and do nothing but help or play with the kids bec kids don't know why I can't sing or play or talk

It hurts

I want to smoke a cigarette while walking between the trees and it's so beautiful but my heart is full of hurt and disaster and loss. So much loss. I love my family dearly but I have said goodbye by living my life outside of their minds

And maybe I'm dramatic and they don't give a shit but also they are worried their kids will be bad if I say what I think and maybe they are worried that they will be bad if I say what I think.

And I wish he was here so I can be with him.

Actually I wish I was with him, anywhere but here where I can exist freely without feeling like my existence is not how everyone else's is.

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

I think I love you today

And yesterday

And probably the day before

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

Sometimes you just need to jump up and down on your bed

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

Me: Feeling so masc, girls are so pretty (I should hit on this girl in the cafe)

Also me: I wish this boy kissed me already

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

Hate the days when I'm looking to tomorrow to hate the day to look to tomorrow to

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

She knows she'll live

But still she worries

What if the living is nothing but surviving

What if the existing is all but surviving

And she continues

Down the same roads

Same trees

She says hi to them

But she wishes to meet the grass of the poets

The sun coming up on the other side

Maybe some foreign accents

Now she dreams of dorms

Growing in subjects she only heard about on TV

Wasting time learning

And she dreams

And the dreams keep her going

For she knows that when she opens her eyes

She just might touch the grass of the poets or learn how to be a poet herself

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

#cest la vie

nothign wrong with me that an orgasm a glass of orange juice another orgasm tweleve hours of sleep another orgasm a fuckload of pasta another orgasm a hot bath anothe roorgasm a bullet to the head another orgasm taking up smoking anpther orgasm a large alcolgic beveerage and aother orgams wont fix

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

The horrors persevere but so do I

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

The city is moving, bustling, humming with people.

It is the norm and it is good.

The piles of garbage

The tiny tiny living spaces

The amount of greenery (none)

You should be grateful for the fire escape where you can climb out of the window to smoke a cigarette

The village is teeming, swarming, seething with people.

With 8-10 babies per family

With lavish weddings by destitute parents

With 17 year old brides lest they might develop a thought

With over packed building containing the same clothes, customs, ideas. The same lives.

Clearly, very beautiful.

---

And the woods are laughing, smelly and gross.

With naked people & aimless wandering.

With living & surviving in harmony.

With dancing with rocks in your feet bec you walked barefoot.

And I am biased for I have seen the village and I have seen the city.

And I have smelled welcome home and my lungs are full of smoke from campfires and cigarettes.

Still better than the overproduction of garbage and the overproduction of babies.

Still better than the dirt and buildings and roads with far too many vehicles and still better than the stress the world is learning to cope with.

And the people have ADHD and drugs for it. And depression and drugs for it. And postpartum, and of course, drugs for it.

If only they had some acid.

( And the comparison is not fair bec how dare I compare heaven to hell, when the woods are all colors of the rainbow and the city is a cloud of gray. But I am merely a human who's lived a few lives and seen a few people and my feet know the gray path to lead me to the rainbow, the way you know a path you've walked a thousand times )

--

I think the real unfairness is the fact that I did not include suburban or other style living in this, but of course the contrast is not as stark even if the 9 to 5's are soul eating machines and working out at a gym to not go insane is not a sign of any health, however huge your muscles (don't stop working tho, the muscles are hot hehe)

- from my notes app (inspired by the industrial society and it's future, 1984, and the rainbow gathering)

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

And every night I lay in bed

A thousand men run through my head

One of them laying by my side

My arms not lonely, my tears un-cried

I pray for a day my vision is true

My body warm, laying next to you

Ill wish for night to surely come

So we can lay together, united as one

Good night love

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

It's been days since poems have been written

Tears have been wept

The ups are more and the ups are frequent

Leaving the frowns to the masses

Some say "it's downhill so we appreciate the uphill"

Some say "there must be a god for His Will shows us the highs and lows"

I'm convinced otherwise - for why would there be a god to show us logical frequencies of better and worse? A god would have the power to make us appreciate the best - always

Dancing to the quiet rhythm (there is no sound)

Singing a slow melody (there is no music)

Drumming to all of it (no need for drums)

If there is a god: I dare you to keep it this way

[p0ssesed0r0bsessed]

I mourn the loss of my innocence. I used to be ill at ease with the day. The people around me mean only well. The life i live is what is best. Now i know better, or just more. It makes me feel lonely when i am everything but alone.

I grieve for a time when i was free. Free of the confines of knowledge that does not help you in our world. Free of the knowledge that does not let me sleep at night.

I remember the days when my biggest worries were the weather, and think of today when the weather is the easiest to predict.

I imagine to be free of this knowledge, where bliss is all i know. It is all but a dream, dreamed in all of my sleepless nights.