p3l0k3n - Tumblr blog

[p3l0k3n]

MH #?

There should be spaces that are safe. Spaces where you can let your defenses down. Spaces where you can confront the baggage those defenses were protecting you from.

Are the spaces that should be safe actually safe? Were they ever safe? Do you even know what safety is supposed to feel like? Did something happen to make those spaces unsafe? Can you even make your spaces safe (again)?

Your defenses are protecting you, so sacrificing them to open up time and space to create that safety isn't going to go well. You can't replace an "unhelpful" habit with a "helpful" habit if the "unhelpful" habit is still serving a purpose. Where do you carve out the time to create that safety? Is the hour with your counselor every other week enough?

[p3l0k3n]

My Tuesday Tumbl

There are things that I would like to be part of my daily practice, but I'm not seeing a path to get them there.

I decided that, if I can't realistically do them daily, I could try to do them weekly instead.

In my brain, Tuesday is appointments and errands day; Saturday is my free day. Reality says laundry is on Saturday (I tried to switch it to Tuesday, but life is going to life), and Tuesday presents itself as a good time to journal or post.

I delayed getting my passport to get my correct address on my driver's license. Svenska has taken a back seat to conlanging (syntax, ftw - i just noticed that "wtf" is "ftw" backwards) for now.

Boycotting for Palistine presents me with opportunities to take a look at my consumption - especially in the areas of food and drink. My "city" has Wendy's and Dairy Qeen. Media isn't so much of a problem, but am I willing to forego seeing "Wish"? I promised a friend that I'd see it with him, and I think he'd understand why if I asked to break that promise. I didn't even bother telling my brother why I asked to switch from Starbucks to Caribou.

Some things I would to fit into my budget - two work vests (I would love to be able to switch between modes by simply slipping off a vest) and a portrait session (holiday cards maybe, or "here's a current picture of me should I die" at least). I have yet to pick up a suitcase. The passport and the suitcase might cement my desire and motivate me to get on with emigrating.

[p3l0k3n]

November Cross-quarter

Sometimes I wish humans could hibernate. Nature is telling us that it's time to slow down and get some rest. I work in retail; that's not going to happen - not until after the new year, at least. There are days that work is about all I'm doing.

The emigration bug is back, and it looks like it will actually lead somewhere this time - till Sverige to be exact. There are so many things to get in order before that happens though, and I have yet to develop the single-mindedness I need to accomplish them.

One of the suggested martial arts for adult beginners is Brazilian jiu-jitsu. This could help with my mental health, but should I start this journey if I already have a goal to leave this country?

What about conlanging? Shouldn't I be putting my language muscles into learning Svenska instead of working through another attempt at a phonology? I don't think I can do the two in tandem.

I want to reduce my belongings, my spending, and my debt; but what things are essential to my well-being hear-and-now? Lagom.

"Grow where you are planted." I don't thinks so. You can't just plant any seed in any soil in any climate and expect the seed to flourish regardless.

I'm becoming more certain that I can not grow here, despite my new coping skills. The culture and the values here don't align with the beliefs I'm trying to nurture and live by.

How bad can things get here before I can use my HBT status to apply for asylum in Sweden?

I only have so much money, time, and energy; and I don't know what to prioritize.

[p3l0k3n]

September Equinox

My psychiatrist didn't change my medications last session.

My job is about the same. I wish there was a little bit more routine, and my workplace is trying to do anything except the things that will actually work.

I continue to tinker with my routines. My diet and my budget take up the most energy.

I still have to improve my gum health, and I need new lenses in my glasses.

I'm trying to better organize my living space. I have stuff in a donation pile, and I'm culling my books - which books to keep, which ones to sell, which ones to give away to my friend who is appalled at the idea of book recycling, and which ones to have recycled.

Maybe I can't pare down my belongings into a duffel bag or back pack, but into several plastic totes would be nice.

I have started to jump around to various areas of my conlang - morphology and syntax, so much syntax.

I have started using my old laptop again. Anything that can go on my laptop is being moved there, and I'm making my phone as "dumb" as possible.

I'm examining my behaviors in relationship to my beliefs. The canvas bag for groceries is in my backpack, and I'm looking into how to recycle when my apartment complex doesn't.

How do I mesh what nature values with what my society values to create my own values?

How literal is the "house" part of "house of worship"?

The cat cafe has too many humans in it to serve any therapeutic value, and they are going to put cat costumes on the cats that are willing to do that sort of thing. No, just no.

[p3l0k3n]

Hidden Agenda the Series

Did you mean "Ulterior Motive the Series"?

Motivation is damn near everything. It allows you to see events in a different, clearer light. Or it undermines what you think is so.

Zo now doubts Pat's motives. Did he help Joke because he thinks Joke would be good for Zo, or is he just benefitting from an arrangement between Joke and himself? It could be both, but Zo has no way of clarifying that now.

Zo thought he and Joke had an agreement - a shared goal. Joke held up his end of the bargain, but his goal wasn't the same as Zo's.

This is different from the mutually beneficial arrangement that Joke and Pat had. They were one the same page; Zo and Joke were not.

The problem isn't that Joke and Zo went to their crush's friend for intell. The problem isn't that Joke verbally lied to Zo somehow. The problem is the pretenses Pat and Joke had for why they were doing what they were doing. Are they only thinking about what they want, or do they actually have Zo's best interests in mind?

[p3l0k3n]

August Cross-quarter 2023

I'm not sure if I'll continue making posts around my various topics, or if I'll make periodical updates like this one. Time will tell.

I continue trying to implement changes to improve things. Some stick; others don't.

One major change is my availability at work. I have Tuesday off in exchange for working on Sunday. I also go into work two hours later. It's nice to wake up at 6am instead of 4am. It's also nice to have a weekday off again even if my days off aren't consecutive. It's been roughly a month into the new availability and my body hasn't adjusted. I am still organizing my life around the new work schedule. Tuesday is my weekly grocery trip. I'll find out this Friday if visiting the new cat cafe is therapeutic or not.

I think I've found a phonological system that I like for my conlang. One thing that isn't in my dialect of American English is having /a/ and /ɑ/ as distinct phonemes. There are four vowel phonemes /i a ɑ u/, and those are also the tense values (used in open syllables). Their lax counterparts (used in closed syllables) are /ɪ ɛ ʌ ʊ/. I'll spare you the consonants. Just know that I like the phonotactics I have given them.

As have been creating Google Docs for my various interests hoping that it will re-enforce my ideas and goals - sticking to the grocery list and eating out less, putting my beliefs into words and turning those beliefs into actions, having texts to translate into my conlang, etc.

Life just feels surreal right now. I haven't really known what to change or how to go about making those changes; but sometimes my perspective changes, and I'm willing to make those first steps.

[p3l0k3n]

A Boss and a Babe theory: Thoop is attracted to Cher.

[p3l0k3n]

MH 18

I asked my psychiatrist to fill out an accommodation questionnaire for my place of work, and I have turned it in. My leadership team has been abiding by it - good thing.

When do you get to say that you have recovered from a GI virus? When you are no longer vomiting or having watery stools? Or when you are no longer light-headed from dehydration or electrolyte lose? My mental health problems are enough. I don't need a physical health problem on top of them - bad thing.

I realized that if I'm not watching a current BL on YouTube, I will re-watch an old one in its place. I must really want a second season of Rak Diao, and I have caught up with A Boss and a Babe (currently at Ep. 5), which is much better than what my first impressions led me to believe - questionable thing.

My conlang hobby has taken me into territories that I have previously avoided like the plague - tonogenesis and deep orthography. The language's script is developing similarities to Thai's script - intriguing things.

Later

[p3l0k3n]

CL 22

I went in deep - orthography-wise. I found out that I care about the original phonemic inventory more than I originally thought.

Since the script didn't mark tone and the original inventory didn't even have them, I decided that the script wouldn't keep up with the sound changes that have occurred in the language.

This meant tweaking the organization of the script and how it functioned, creating references to switch back and forth between the two inventories, and deciding on both the present and past forms of a word (as if I wasn't having trouble deciding on one).

SM:D:KW: /mi̯â.tì/ [mi̯â.dì]

This started out as /ˈmi̯aŋ.din/, which is broken down into <mi.a.ŋ.di.n>. There were two syllables that could have become /tì/ - /di/ (K) or /din/. I hadn't assigned this any meaning last post (and I still haven't), I just wanted something to start converting between the two inventories.

Later

[p3l0k3n]

CL 21

Vowel Shifts: starting with a three vowel system (/i a u i̯a ai̯ au̯ u̯a i̯au̯ u̯ai̯/), closing dipthongs in closed syllables reduce to /e/ and /o/, and triphthongs (never in close syllables) reduce to /i̯o/ and /u̯e/.

Tonogenesis: the lose of voice distinction in onsets leads to three level tones (high mid low), and the lose of codas leads to rising and falling tones.

Consonants: /ʕ f p m θ t l ʃ tʃ n x k ŋ/

Vowels: /i e a o u/

Diphthongs: /i̯a i̯o ai̯ au̯ u̯e u̯a/

Tones: /á ǎ ā â à/

Da da-da daaa: writing (but without marking tones)

Internal Sandhi: the voiced consonants return as intervocalic voicing allophones.

Tone Sandhi: ???

C:KU, /mi̯â.tì/ [mi̯â.dì]

[p3l0k3n]

MH 17

My place of work has a new HR leader and the team leaders have been shuffled around. The two people in positions of authority that I felt had a good understanding of my history (they both helped me adjust when I returned from leave) and that I trusted are now gone - to a different position and to a different team.

Their replacements are very different in these regards.

I know that I have been delaying the difficult task of establishing new boundaries as my previous leadership made that seem like less of a priority. Now, new boundaries are front and center.

My care team and I agree that I failed to manage expectations and that changing those expectations is no easy task. I've had some very uneasy conversations that left me feeling unheard and lied to. I now believe that my health (and by extention my safety) is of little consequence to them. I know they take advantage of my work ethic and the fact that I somehow still manage to care about what I do.

I have seen many co-workers quit due to problems with new leadership. I have survived many changes of leadership, but I don't know if I'll survive this one.

I don't know if I can make any changes at this job to make things better. I fear there is no way to improve my mental health while I stay in it. The thought of staying and the thought of leaving are equally terrifying. I just feel stuck.

[p3l0k3n]

CL 20

Apparently I'm going to be stuck in phonology until I get my inventory, syllable structure, tones, and sandhi figured out.

After being stuck with figuring out how to implement tones with my last syllable structure I decided to simplify the structure and place more diversity into the phonemic inventory and tones.

The new syllable structure is CV(n)T - a mandatory consonant onset and vowel nucleus, an optional nasal coda (/n/), and a mandatory tone.

I have five tones again - middle, falling, low, rising, and high - instead of just the three level tones.

Internal sandhi works in the same way - voicing and nasal assimilation.

The inventory is where most of the changes have occurred. The vowels are /i e ɑ u/. They are tense in open syllables and lax (/ɪ ɛ ʌ ʊ/) in closed syllables. The manners of articulation for the consonants are the same, but I've shifted the major points of articulation around. Dental and retroflex replace alveolar: /p t̪ ʈ k ʕ m n̪ ɳ ŋ f θ ʂ x w l̪ ɻ j/.

Later

[p3l0k3n]

MSP 12 (Finale)

I knew the conversation between Gun and his mom would go well, and that Gun wouldn't have to "sell" her on the idea of him dating Tinn.

The conversation with Tinn and his mom, on the other hand, worried me. The fact that she noticed Tinn's behavior and decided to not ask her intended question was great. It must be difficult to see your son act this way towards you.

Seeing Gun and half of the gl couple get jealous unfortunately reminds me that some people can't separate actors from the characters they play.

I hoped we had moved beyond taking pictures of strangers and posting them to social media. Please tell me this is just an old plot device resurrected from the dead.

We are not in a Bad Buddy type of world this time around. Homophobia still exists even if it dying. Those teachers are all too real, and people like Kajorn are in short supply.

Tinn's mom was able to do what earlier she was so afraid she wouldn't be able to do - to be there when her son needed it.

They did Pat dirty. I figured there would be at least an episode that would focus on him after they gave Yo an episode. He felt like a side character and not a real member of the band.

I spent the rest of the episode relieved that none of the things I didn't like about Bad Buddy's ending came into play. The couples were out, happy, and supported.

There are plenty of things I would have like to have been told, but this ending has been the best of all the bl's I've seen.

[p3l0k3n]

MSP 11

I have seen people talk about MSP being a fluffy, serotonin-boosting series, a show that lacks the depth that its predissessor Bad Buddy had, and I have wondered what show they have been watching. I did not take it for granted that Gun's mom would survive the surgery (whereas Pat surviving being shot was never in question) or that Chinzhilla would win Hot Wave. Even after the scene when Gun wakes up I was not sure that they had lost (I had to wait for Tinn's flashback to be sure). Even with Gun's mom post-surgery recovery coming to a close I do not know she's truly alright. I have learned to let series unfold without too many assumptions (I thought Pat and Pran would be able to bring their parents around. Instead they had to figure out how their relationship would work without their support). That doesn't mean I'm going to like the series when it is all said and done.

Gun has been shown to be plagued by two major issues - being left behind and never being good enough. Tinn needs to talk to Gun sooner rather than later as Gun is vulnerable to seeing his worst fears coming true in the smallest of things. On the other hand, Gun rises to the occasion of being on his own as his mother recovers.

I found Win's outburst at Sound to be a really low blow, as well as the one at Gun. Our insecurities can bring out the worst of us. "What if" is a good question when thinking about the future as it opens possibilities you might not have thought of before, but not so much when you apply it to the past where it undermines your perception of your "best."

Tinn comes throught not only by trying to visit Gun and his mom in the hospital but by providing Chinzhilla an opportunity to get back on their feet by playing at prom. They'll need to process their lose and disappointment first, and that gets ugly.

"Do you think we raised him well enough?" This question is usually triggered when you see something in your child you don't like. What Tinn's mom doesn't like isn't explicitly stated.

"What mistakes do you think we've made along the way?" This question comes when you fear that what you don't like about your child is your fault. Both of these questions come from the belief that there is something wrong about your child. We are not to the point where you believe there is nothing wrong with your child, but others won't agree with you. This is not yet wanting to protect your child as he is or to save him from the difficulties of being who he is in a society that doesn't accept him. This is a crappy "between a rock and a hard place." You acknowledge that there is a problem, but you must decide if it is your child or your society that is in the wrong.

You want me to believe this conversation is about how Tinn's mom wasn't at his singing test, and that he messed up the lyrics because she wasn't there? Nope. I can't wait until they figure out what happened when neither of them could celebrate his birthday with him.

At face value, this looks like the beginning of Tiw and Por. I want more context.

The conversation between Gun and Tinn's mom went better than expected, but that is mostly due to the fact another costumer came in. Like his mother before him, Gun tells Tinn's mom more information about her son that she wasn't aware of.

The conversation between Tinn and his mom also goes better than I expected. Tinn told the truth this time, and his mom gives him permission knowing that he will be with Gun. That is major growth.

I don't have a good understanding of Buddhism, let alone Theravada, but wouldn't the Buddha want you to give your friend the drink if he is thirsty even if it means that you can't make the offering? Surely you wouldn't deny your hungry family food just to make sure you can give alms to the monks?

Seeing a video of Tinn singing happily on stage because of love and receiving some words of encouragement from your husband is what little it takes to make the shift? You see the positive effect Gun has made, and now you're all good with it, and you make the change to worrying for his well-being?

I was wondering why Tiw wasn't going with them, but I realized what was going on a split second before the camera pans to him.

I also wondered what this episode's song would be about if next episode was going to be prom, and "Healing" fits really well to move the band forward.

I was hoping the music box would play "City," but "Hook" does seem more fitting.

We already now that Gun's mom is fine with Tinn and Gun, but getting a read on Tinn's mom is difficult. What exactly is she going to bring up in her conversation with Tinn? Does she foresee trouble coming from the school itself, or will that blindside her?

Until Next Week

[p3l0k3n]

MSP 10

Doesn't Tinn need to be studying for his own faculty? What happened to the "we both have our own dreams" maturity from Gun earlier?

I like this set of opening and closing songs best. "Let Me Tell You" has dethroned "City" for top place.

So Tinn's mom has pretty much figured things out. Her path from suspicion to finding out the truth is questionable, and I don't know if she understands how others perceive her attitude towards Gun and the Music Club. We'll find out what she really thinks soon.

I've had viral meningitis along my spinal cord (lumbar puncture and all that), and meningioma around the brain sounds horrible. Over a week to get the CT scan seems like a long time for that potential diagnosis.

Gun has grown up quickly - often acting like a parent to his own mom. It is weird (but understandable) to see him act like the son he is - begging for a promise his mom can't make.

I'm glad that the operation went well, but that is one nasty cliffhanger.

I'll skip over the preview for the next episode.

I'm going to be out of the tags until Friday as I'm not interested in posts about MC. Why would you even tag a post about MC with MSP? Rant over.

Later

[p3l0k3n]

MH 16

I have been living a financially unsustainable lifestyle for the last few weeks. It's time to implement some austerity measures for the next few paychecks.

I have named one such measure The Starbucks to Savings Initiative. Now I just need to focus on what I'm gaining instead of what I'm giving up as this is something I want to continue indefinitely.

Even though I'm not Christian anymore, I'm hoping to appeal to my childhood's mindset and tell myself it's for Lent - a short-term sacrifice. I live in the post-"Live Simply so Others can Simply Live"-bumpersticker Era which helps inform my budding neopaganism belief system. This requires long-term changes. There is no time like the present to examine my diet and finances.

Another catchy slogan that is difficult to adhere to is "Think Globally, Act Locally." It also asks for long-term thinking. Forward thinking is rather difficult for somebody with depression as surviving today is hard enough. There is little evidence that there is something I can change today to make tomorrow better. That requires things like hope and goals which are in short supply, as is energy and motivation. This is why a change in mindset is so important.

I've been trying to find that first domino that will cause other dominoes to fall. My diet and finances seem like good places to start.

[p3l0k3n]

MSP 9

Let's get Tinn's mom out of the way first. I was giving her way too much credit for knowing what was going on with Tinn.

I don't like her response to Tinn asking to go on the beach trip.

He's smart enough to not tell his mom about Gun, and that says alot about their relationship.

I was afraid that the two moms wouldn't get along from the get go. Thankfully that is not the case. Gunn's mom doesn't realize how much she's revealing, and Tinn's mom should be putting some pieces together.

I wondered how Tiw would end up coming along on the trip. If Tiw and Por are secretly dating, I don't think either of them would have risked having Tiw join them. Tinn provides them with an excuse for why he can be there.

What happened between Sound and Win for Sound to give him the cold shoulder? It's been almost two weeks, show wise, since we last saw them, but they appeared to be on good terms at Hot Wave. The flashback doesn't give any good information on Sound's change of behavior.

I had thought that the trip was always about preparing for the final round, so I was confused why Tinn was referring to it as his honeymoon trip. Yak knows what he is doing even if he is crazy. Dropping Sound's notebook doesn't really fit in with the rest of Yak's behavior.

Does Tinn really say "us" in Thai? Does Tinn know something is going on between Tiw and Por?

The advertisers figured out it wasn't December anymore, and it only took them until February to do something about it.

The flashbacks go back to badminton practice, but I want to know what happened back at the rap battle. There are a couple of places in the timeline I would like to have filled in.

The drama with Gun's mom returns next week. I fear what will happen if they keep this secret from Gun and he learns about it through the wrong people or at the wrong time.

Later