packwaifu

[packwaifu]

I... hate this... on a PERSONAL level...

Because quite actually sissy hypnosis was a part of my life being ruined.

Note, I am AFAB, non-binary.

Now, to be fair, it wasn't the sissy hypnosis itself that ruined my life. It was my ex-husband... and if I'm being honest my life was already in shambles, she just made it a hell of a lot worse......

But sissy hypnosis was involved and I just....... it's genuinely a trigger for me that reminds me of direct trauma I experienced. And seeing this with my personal history with the topic......

Is so goddamn funny to me, I can't even explain it.

This is, like, that existential kind of funny to me where it makes you feel half insane for laughing! It's friggin' surrealist kind of funny to me!

Like, this shit was an integrated part of some of the absolute worst moments of my life that to this day, almost six years later, I still get nightmares from. And for some reason just randomly seeing "sissy hypnosis will ruin your life" said so fucking serious has my genuinely, not even meant as a joke, frozen staring at it because it was ACTUALLY so funny I forgot to laugh.

I think this was a healing experience for me.

Thank you.

[packwaifu]

You mean Kuru? That's only if you eat the brain (and certain organs?), and only if the person consumed already has it. It's not as big of a concern as people think. *shrug* Not that I've ever eaten long pig before.

none of the people who say eat the rich even support cannibalism

[packwaifu]

I did a role play with a friend once this reminds me of. Basically, DBZ style wish granting dragon, but would only grant wishes to people deemed "worthy", but his definition of worthy is literally just a super cute femboy.

evil demon blade that instead of hungering for blood or anything is obssessed with cute things so it just estrogenizes the wielder

[packwaifu]

I quite literally needed to read this right now.

Feeling crushed by the weight of expectations to be a better... something... anything, everything. Feeling one of the biggest sources of where that came from saying I'm not good enough at god damn love of all things. Having expectations and standards that are unfulfillable by me and kept unbeknownst to me.

What is the standard to fill to make someone feel loved? It changes from person to person, and so I have dedicated so much of my life trying to be someone who makes others feel loved in the hopes of being loved myself. "The People Pleaser" that many of us know, and too many of us are. I sought to please everyone and failed. I fought to please those who held important positions in my life and failed. I fought to find and please one person and failed. And failed again. And, as expected, I got taken advantage of. I got used and abused in unspeakable ways. Quite literally at times, as when I try to speak on it, until I find the right words, I experience selective mutism for a time.

I went out into life thinking, "You cannot fix a broken heart." Well, it turns out you can. Quite thoroughly, in fact. And you can break the mind and spirit along the way, too. Oh, and don't forget the body, that part could have been a whole lot worse for me and it felt like there were moments designed to remind me of just that in order to tell me how much more deeply the "Consequences of Failure" could affect me.

I am... TERRIFIED... of failure... especially of failure to please others. Failure to Please is seen as a threat to my well-being, potentially a threat to my life. It has more often than not paralyzed me to the point of inaction on things that range from Very Important to Mundane. I have been afraid to wash dishes for the fear of failure to do so correctly.

I have worked hard on myself, and on my ability to build healthy relationships where my boundaries are recognized and respected, and in turn have been rewarded with loved ones who love me in return and who remind me that I am "Good Enough" and then some. I have found a safe place in life where I can be vulnerable and try new things and be Myself and have confidence that even while afraid I will not regret my choice to Be Brave.

I have even been rebuilding a relationship that I was ready to give up on... and I am being Burned. I do not regret my choice to put trust in someone who hurt me before and hurt me DEEPLY to the point I will never "Fully Recover" and I have many reasons for that choice to keep this person in my life of which I do not think need to be justified to anyone else but myself. And even now that I have been "betrayed" I still intend to make attempt to keep this person in my life, but at arm's length. And I may get burned again, and I don't know how many times it will take for me to be burned before I finally let this person fall out of my life and burn the bridge back, but I think I am willing to take that risk and no one else needs to understand why except me.

Even through all of this, with me being traumatized over again by getting deep, old wounds that were just starting to scar being ripped open yet again... I have found myself having not just grown but flourished. I have surrounded myself with love, and most importantly I have found love inside myself FOR myself thanks to the help of others. I have been presented an expectation that I didn't know was being held for me having been failed and faced with "The Consequences" and... I'm okay.

Not great... but okay.

And I have learned and grown and felt loved and supported and am oh so lucky and in love with life right now even as I feel the shards of my Self fall and scatter around me like I've felt so many times before. But this time I'm not afraid to Rebuild. I'm not afraid I will put myself back together into Something That Resembles A Person. I am confident that I can pick up the pieces, and that I have help doing so, and as I Rebuild I will not get hurt as much doing so and can focus on not just Putting Myself Back Together, but on taking the time to Make Something Beautiful out of my broken pieces. Not just accidentally, but purposefully. And it won't be "Perfect" and it won't be What Is Expected Of Me, but it will be Me.

I will be me. I will not strive to be More. I will not try to make The Pieces fit into a mold or frame that does not suit me, or even one at all if I don't wish. I will not "Spread Myself Thin" or force pieces together that don't work together if I can help it.

I am ready to Be Me.

While the world and its people make you want to function unrealistically, it will be great to learn to listen to our soul’s silent requests. What does it want? Where does it come from? How old is its story and what does it carry with it? Does it feel burdened by rocks of the past or is it as free as a bird’s fearless flight?

Is it 30,000 years old or as fresh and malleable as a newborn?

While knowing all the answers is not so easy, it is still good to try. That’s what I mean to do. So, whenever I witness the world asking me to be more, to expand, and keep expanding, to grow disproportionately and become larger than life as if anything short of excellence is unworthy, I turn a deaf ear.

It is like asking a houseplant to grow as large as a Banyan. Or expecting a turtle to leap like a frog. We don’t understand that a houseplant is going to thrive as a houseplant and a turtle will thrive as a turtle, without ever feeling the need to jump. If it is never made to feel any less as an unjumpable reptile, the indications are that it will have a wonderful turtle life.

Likewise, I want to strive for things that are not burdensome for my soul. I want to honour my soul's journey by offering it the freedom of existence. The freedom of becoming whatever it wants to. The freedom of manoeuvre.

It needs to be acknowledged again and again that whatever journey my soul is on, it is valuable.

I don’t want to overlook the traces I left behind over lifetimes, all the paths I have walked, all the pits I have fallen into, all the times I have risen as a Phoenix from the ashes of darkness, all the encounters I have had along the way that left an impression, and all the ways I managed to cope. How I must have gone through it all like smoke seeping through the spaces to rise above and beyond. How I must have survived previously to stand on this ground today. I simply can’t ignore the path that has so far been walked. And I surely cannot look around and aspire for my path to be like someone else’s.

And so, every time you ask me to be more than what I can be, I pay homage to my soul by choosing not to listen.

[packwaifu]

This is basically what I'm doing with my friend. We got the seamless co-op mod and he and other friends are all higher level than me and significant better at the game than me and so I stand in the background with my little projectile spells while they do most of the work during battles and basically my friend knows all the lore and all the secrets so he leads me through the game so I can get all the ~cool stuff~ and tells me the lore about locations and characters as we go along and between stuff he either banters with me or tells me more about the lore and I've been telling him that he's basically my tour guide. It's awesome. I like it a lot! I get the experience with less of the frustration, and I still get to feel like I "did the thing" cuz I contributed my little shooty spells.

People losing it at the ‘pause button’ suggestion for Elden Ring are not prepared for my ‘tourist mode’ suggestion.

There should be a mode where people like me can just run around and look at the pretty landscape and soak in the atmosphere with the soundtrack. All NPCs and Bosses are still there, but instead of fighting you they stand still and do a lil wave 👋 as you admire them. Maybe some start reciting the game lore like they’re tour guides lol

[packwaifu]

[packwaifu]

Characters being compared to dogs always use terriers or pitbulls or something for their metaphors. “They grab on and they don’t let go” “They keep worrying at it until it’s dead�� etc.

Anyway, I want to see collies used as metaphors. Albert Payson Terhune style. “He was like an attack dog–making slash-and-run attacks, cutting them up worse every time, never staying in range long enough to get hurt but circling back over and over.”

[packwaifu]

I literally only just joined!! I haven't even changed my profile picture from the default yet... This is literally my first ever post! WHY ARE PEOPLE ALREADY FOLLOWING ME?! Why do I already have four followers?!