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padakuk1ri · 2 years ago

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"The story of my growing up" or "How I came to know Formula 1".

Before you start reading this.

I want to warn you that I am not a native English speaker and there may be mistakes here. This story is not fiction, it is a true story of my life.

Trigger warning: bullying, depression episodes, parental divorce.

2014

It was May, the Monaco Grand Prix. My father was watching TV as usual and accidentally switched to a sports channel, there was a race on. I was nearby and my attention was caught by the TV, I started watching and after 15 minutes I couldn't tear myself away from the TV, it was like I fell in love at first sight. During this Grand Prix, Jules Bianchi scored the first points for his team, finishing in 9th place. I was amazed by the applause and joy of his team and himself. From that day on, he became my favourite driver. I was just a kid I was not well versed in some important things like the leaderboard, what teams even existed (but I definitely knew Mercedes and Ferrari). I was just a little kid who watched the races mesmerised and Jules was the ultimate winner for me.

Unfortunately, I didn't know about the race schedule and hardly saw any of the races, but I did get to see the Japanese and Russian Grand Prix. The first one was Japan, I was very excited to see Jules again on the same channel on my TV, I was watching the whole race, I was jumping at every interesting and high-risk moment. Until all of a sudden Jules had a terrible crash. I didn't realise what was happening, I kept going back and forth around the living room to find out what had happened. I only learnt about Jules' condition during the Russian Grand Prix when the commentator said about the accident Jules had been in. From that day on I didn't watch the 2014 season anymore. Every time I came to the TV and realised that Jules wasn't there I went to my room upset.

2015

I went back to the sports channels looking for information about Formula 1. It was the beginning of summer, with a couple of months to go until my birthday. For the first time in months, I saw Formula 1. It was the Canadian Grand Prix. Again without Jules. I knew he needed to recover from the accident as I had been in an accident myself a couple of months before and had a head and arm injury. I thought that since I had been treated and was running and having fun again, he would soon be on the TV screens in his race car, with his incredible smile that I had grown to love so much.

17 July 2015

My next birthday, family and friends gathered to celebrate. Even my godfather, who I haven't seen in so long but still love so much, came along. Everyone around was having fun and enjoying themselves, but in the evening I felt strange somehow, I couldn't describe it. And it's very difficult for me to do so to this day. A few days later, the Hungarian Grand Prix took place. At the moment when the commentators announced that the young driver's heart had stopped beating on the evening of 17 July, I couldn't believe what I heard. I couldn't stop the tears, I felt a sharp pain inside me as if a thousand daggers had been stabbed into my still very young heart. I cried for the rest of the day and all night. I didn't eat or drink well for days. I was insanely sad about the death of my most favourite rider.

I vaguely remember what happened next.

In 2016 I had not much time to watch races, my father often punished me for every little thing, forbidding me to use the computer and TV.

In 2017, my parents made the decision to divorce. My heart was once again full of daggers. I couldn't make many friends in the new city where me, my mum and my brother moved to. I had completely forgotten about Formula 1.

In 2019, I decide to switch on one of the sports channels I recently found. I was watching Formula 1 again. I was happy as a child, watching the drivers again. I started to understand more, I started to transcribe the racers' radios myself, because by then I started to understand English much better. Every time I thought of Jules, tears came to my eyes, but I stopped thinking about it.

In 2020, people at school started bullying me. I get depressed, I try to get away from bad thoughts any way I can, I watched old Grand Prix (very badly remember which ones) but it didn't help.

In 2021 I'm getting better but I don't watch F1, I took extra assignments at school. But I also ended friendships with many close friends, I couldn't keep anything in my head, my memory deteriorated. I got into an car accident again with my father, who I had been visiting for the summer all this time.

In 2022 Formula 1 stopped broadcasting in my country because of the political situation. I knew I had wasted too much time not watching it earlier. In the same year, I stopped communicating with my close internet friend who often supported me in difficult situations. I felt worse, I didn't know where I could now see my favourite sport again. I started to see Formula 1 videos on TikTok more often.

Since the start of the 2023 season, I haven't missed a single practice, qualifying, sprint or race. I fell in love all over again. It was a new breath of air for me, a return to my childhood, where I was a little kid who didn't worry about anything. I started to see more videos of Jules Bianchi and Charles Leclerc. I began to cry more often because of my longing for Jules. At the end of October my longing doesn't go away, I cry a lot because of the TikTok video with Jules. I remembered my dream from my childhood: I wanted to become an adult to meet him in real life. Unfortunately, that dream will never come true. I also cry a lot remembering this very talented man, his incredibly beautiful smile.

Every time I look at Charles, I see Jules next to him, his godfather, his close friend, his guardian angel, who is now forever with him, though not physically.

Jules Bianchi will always have a place in my heart, in my soul. He has been my favourite racing driver since 2014 when I was a kid. I'm not a kid anymore, but he's still my favourite racing driver. He made me fall in love with Formula 1, made it the meaning of my life.

"Time heals, but that part will always be missing."

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