padansk - Tumblr blog

[padansk]

My turn

Several weeks ago, I felt a lump on the roof of my mouth. I didn't think about it much and thought it would disappear after a while. Nicola's PET scan had suggested a problem that needed to be fully investigated. Finally, after more tests, the results were good, and the cancer hadn't returned. We had been planning to go to France, as we now do each year in Spring and early Summer. So we chatted about when to book the Eurotunnel tickets and head down to Provence for some sunshine. I told Nicola the lump in my mouth hadn't gone away, and we agreed that I should get it checked out.

The next day, I saw a specialist dentist who said it didn't look right and that I should see a maxillofacial surgeon. An X-ray was done and it suggested that the lump went further upwards into my sinus space. The maxillofacial surgeon immediately called it a tumour and said we needed to get an MRI and biopsy done. France would have to wait.

The MRI scan was completed, and the next day, we met Leo, my consultant, to perform the biopsy. I was dreading this part, but to be honest, it was pretty straightforward. The local anaesthetic numbed the roof of my mouth, and then Leo stitched up the area. Job done, all good. We just have to wait for the results and hope for the best.

In a chat with Leo just after the biopsy, we discussed what the surgery to remove the tumour would involve. Somewhat casually, Leo suggested that if the tumour was malignant, then my entire soft palette would have to be removed and a new one reconstructed from a graft from another part of my body. In listening to that sentence, the possibility of the reality of the situation dawned on Nicola and me.

Nicola and I chatted about what Leo had said on the drive home. We both felt overwhelmed by what he had said. It was too grim to initially handle, so we fell back on what we had done for years before. Wait until we know what's going on, and then make decisions from there. Don't open the scary box unless we have to look inside it.

Since the first appointment, I have been feeling angry with the world. After all, we had been through with Nicola, one cancer after another, this would be the final irony that I would now get it, and it would play havoc with my life.

Initially, the site of the biopsy felt OK. I could feel the stitches in my mouth, which was a little weird but fine. Then the stitches came out, and it felt really sore after that. The left side of my head, from temple to jaw, hurt, and my mouth was swollen and eating and speaking became difficult. I was taking painkillers and trying to avoid having to take the really strong ones, but some days, they were the only thing that took the pain away.

The results from the scan and biopsy hadn't come back yet. Nicola had taken on the role of dealing with Leo's secretary and trying to give the medical team the hurry up and get the results back. This role reversal was making both of us feel out of sorts. This wasn't how our life had been for the past nine years. I rode my bike a few times to numb my brain and use adrenalin as a painkiller. It helped, mostly.

The MRI results were back, and Nicola had read them late one evening whilst I was asleep. I had taken some painkillers and Piriton to help me sleep, and I slept all night. She hadn't woken me up. The next morning, I read the report. It was grim. The suggestion was that the tumour showed an indication of malignancy, and it was categorised as a stage three disease. A big tumour, right smack in the middle of my head, at least it wasn't in my brain. There were no metastases and no indication of lymph nodes being affected. But this wasn't the report we had wanted to see.

Nicola got up. She had been awake most of the night, having been extremely distressed after reading the report the previous night. One caveat in the report said that its findings would need to be confirmed by biopsy. Nonetheless, that box, the scary box, was now asking to be opened.

All hopes were pinned on the biopsy, but our spirits were down. I started reviewing a list of things I had to do to sort my affairs out. If my ability to speak was going to be removed in the future, I needed to have some chats with people while I could about my business and finances and ensure everything was in place in case something bad happened to me.

Nicola pushed for the biopsy report. We didn't expect it for another several days. Then, an email came in, asking us to attend a meeting at the hospital the next day. This triggered feelings of deja vu in us. In the past, when we had been asked to attend meetings with Nicola's medical team on the spur of the moment, the news invariably had been bad. We tried to get some sleep, but it wasn't a comfortable night.

When we arrived at the hospital, we had not said much on the way there. Pleasantries over, we were in a room with Leo, who said the biopsy result showed that the tumour was benign. The relief was instant. I didn't really hear much of what he said next. My brain was spinning, and I could see a look of relief on Nicola's face. You don't have cancer.

[padansk]

A large part of my teenage years were spent hanging around this spot. Under the foyle bridge in Derry, stories and jokes were shared, joints were smoked and beers were drunk. They were good times

[padansk]

The days are getting a little longer, and my favourite time other than first thing in the morning, is the twilight hour.

[padansk]

The Rhone as seen from Tain-l’Hermirage, France. Pretty good dog walking territory. #rhone #rhône #tainlhermitage (at Tain-l'Hermitage) https://www.instagram.com/p/CqfpeIBMnYt/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

The sea worthiness is debatable with at least one of these boats. #rudyardlake (at Rudyard Lake) https://www.instagram.com/p/Coc0WdwMm4z/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

Late night walks. The monster in the bushes. The woofer saw it off. #latenightwalks #ambientnights https://www.instagram.com/p/CoJnYTQsQJ1/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

The woofer and I went for a walk to the dream sculpture in Sutton Manor Park yesterday. It was super cold and the sky had crazy clouds shaped by the jet stream. #jetstream #clouds #dreamsuttonmanor (at Sutton Manor Wood - the Dream Sculpture) https://www.instagram.com/p/CnuDIHhsRAH/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

Out and about after 10 days of covid. New spot to walk around with @nrmakin and the woofer. Shakerley Mere, just off the M6. Bit noisy from the traffic, but the sun was out and the sky was clear. Just good to be out walking about. #wooferwalking #shakerleymere (at Shakerley Mere) https://www.instagram.com/p/CnHn0jPsggQ/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

I do like walking at night with the woofer. Takes bloody ages to get anywhere with him, but let’s face it, I’m in no rush and I have nowhere special to be. #winter #darkwalks #ambientnights https://www.instagram.com/p/CmheBkmMCT2/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

Out for a walk in the woods whilst @nrmakin was having one of her doctor consultations. The heron had a look at Loki and I, then took off and went on his way. #nature #heron #didsbury (at Stenner Woods) https://www.instagram.com/p/CmcXKXBsMQS/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

Nothing beats walking the dog on a cold crisp winters morning. Look at that sky colour. #winterwalks #dogwalking (at Mary Anne Meadows - Woodland Trust) https://www.instagram.com/p/CmBtd38sW-F/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

Evening dog walk colours. #autumn (at Great Sankey) https://www.instagram.com/p/ClpCk22MLzv/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

The pup is in having a groom, so we have popped into the local wine shop, and it’s got a restaurant at the back of the store. Coffee, pizza and garlic bread. This is like being out out! #coffeshop (at Stockton Heath) https://www.instagram.com/p/CloK7CJMPm-/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

There’s something about the light tonight. #evening #dogwalks (at Warrington, England) https://www.instagram.com/p/ClUMPRmMQMN/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

Sunday morning ride. Quick stop at a new cafe. Barnshaw Smithy cafe. Just waiting for cake before the final 50k home. Oh, and it’s been weirdly warm today. #sundaybikerides #cheshire #barnshawsmithycafe https://www.instagram.com/p/CkVsR_SMpE-/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

Been spending more time in the office. Took this at the end of a long day. The fire colours of the sky and the neon blues of the coop building work really well together. #manchester #shudehill #angelstreet (at Manchester Shudehill) https://www.instagram.com/p/CjVROt1svtb/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[padansk]

See you later Paradou and Provence. It won’t be long before I am back. #paradou #provence (at Paradou) https://www.instagram.com/p/CiE1M1KMMLH/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=