pajnloki

[pajnloki]

8 // One year

Uhm hi. 

Has it been a year already, lol? I know, little me. I have been neglecting this blog for quite some time now and honestly I knew that. I just didn’t want to face reality.. my reality by writing things down: my problems, regrets, insecurities all of them. It felt disgusting just aknowledging them so I avoided confrontation. But hey, in my defense, covid has been going on the whole year and 2020 was a big fat mess. So many things happened, changed, escalated and barely had the time and energy and strength to face all those problems and changes. 

2020 was gonna be THE year, i said. So many times. Trying to tell myself that there’s no need to be scared. No need to back down, because everyone goes through high school graduation, university, adulthood. It’s completely normal to panic a bit because in the end you’re gonna manage. You’re capable of so many great things. I told myself, or rather lied to myself? I don’t even know at this point. 2020 was memorable. Yes. But in a good way? aboslutely not! :’) And just a short disclaimer. I know how damn serious the virus is, but let me just rant about my life for once, because it’s hard on me, too.

Schools just suddenly closed down 2 weeks before my graduation. My friends and my whole grade in general did not get to experience the legendary “last week” where we’d prank the whole school. Everyone before us did, though. Pretty unfair. I mean we went to school for so many years and that was gonna be our HIGHLIGHT! Marking our GRADUATION. Making epic MEMORIES. Well, fuck that, I guess. Didn’t happen! :D Instead, we got 1 month quarantine where we had to study for finals. For unsure finals. For “we don’t know if you have to take exam yet” - finals. But we had to study, study for finals that may not even happen. That were some horrible ass weeks of studying, crying, panicking, stressing out, questioning myself, more crying and a lot of anime, lmao. And then it was May and I took my exams and I did pretty okay-ish. It wasn’t the best I could’ve done but I mean, considering the situation back then and how lazy I really am, it was okay. At least, for me... kind of? Honestly speaking, I knew it was bad. My grades used to be GREAT but now they were just good but for my parents that meant failed. And did they not hide their disappointed in that, no. They actually went ahead and told me in my face how absolute horrible my finale grades were and that theyre absolutely not satisfied with them. Thanks, mom. It’s not like I didn’t know that. Sorry for not being able to go into Med school like U wished. But it was hard on me, too. Comparing myself to my friends who despite this damn situation still managed to get the perfect score in every damn subject. Am I even allowed to use the pandemic as an excuse or is it really just me who sucks at everything. It’s not like not being able to go outside without mask and 1.5m social distancing was helping me in any way. It’s not like the constans pressure of my parents wasn’t enough. If not Med School, then Law, they said. And funny enough, I could’ve gone there but then suddenly remembered how I applied to Psych School in December 2019, whoops. Why, you ask? Because my mom already pressured me into looking up universities in goddamn 2019 and so I went ahead and applied to a school in aneighboring country, because going as far as possible was basically the aim. Psych was never my dream, I mean yeah, it’s super interesting (and spoiler: I am enjoying studying it a lot.) but I never actually considered a profession in that area. Not because I didn’t see myself there, but I didn’t see myself ANYWHERE at all. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had no passions, goals or dreams. Sounds sad, but the Internet assured me, I wasn’t only one so thumbs up to us guys. Anyway, so I applied to that University and in the middle of finals I got accepted, suprisingly! Didn’t expect that and for sure didn’t remember that LMAO. I told my parents and they were not pleased. My dad couldn’t understand why I wanted to study Psychology ??? The fuck u wanna do with that, he asked. And I didn’t know what to answer, because hell no, I don’t know, bro. I just applied to move out from home. Fun fact: my household is not that toxic, just stereotypical asian strict parents who love the idea of med school a little too much. But I still went there, even if they disagreed but I mean they cannot change the fact that my grades weren’t good enough for med school, and even if could’ve gone to Law school, I DECLINED. 100% sure I’m not made to defend anyone in court. Probably woulda start crying or something.. 

And so I graduated, had a weird graduation ceremony in our P.E hall (?? idek lmao) and went to university 2 months later in september. Funny story. LMAO. Seriously, things happened in such a fast pace that I wasn’t able to properly accept the fact that I am no longer a high school student, and just started my new path?!?!?!?! Wtf?? stop!? Months and Months went by and I was emersed in studying and exams and deadlines. And all of that online. Via Zoom. Great. Nice University student life. No parties, no real life lectures, no making friends in the cafeteria or any sort of actual experiences like those. Great. Second lockdown, and third lockdown - oh there’s a vaccine! Yey! Oh no, wait. There are mutation of the virus. Not great. :’) And that my friends was 2020. The year I turned 18. What a wonderful start into adulthood <3 

And now, it’s already 2021. And tomorrow I turn 19. And im fucking scared. And sad. 1. Scared because I don’t wanna age and become old and knowing i havent accomplished one single thing in life and instead rather than turning 19 i turned into a failure and 2. Sad because I’m 18, do not have a drivers license, never went clubbing for adults, graduated in the most disgusting and sad way possible (and most unmemorable way i dont even wanna think about that musty gymnasiums hall lmao) and pretty much did nothing cool in my 18th life and thats just how my young adult life’s gonna be! :DDD nice guys. 

Ok, this sounds pretty depressive and petty and sad and lowkey annoying but idk how i am supposed to sugarcoat that.... if i find a way, i’ll come back but until then, stay safe 

[pajnloki]

7 // march

Oh, it’s 2020 already. New year, new me? I don’t think so, lol. 

I cannot believe that we’re already three months into THE year. It’s 2020, oh my god. This is going to be the year with so many changes. So many things are going to happen, i thought. But did I expect these things to happen? A pandemic? A virus killing all the older people. Schools are closed. We’re under quarantine? LOL. This feels like we’re living in a dystopian novel?!? Y’all cannot tell me this is really happening right now. If you told me this was going to happen, I’d be like “HAHA NO WAY”. Now, look at us. Who’d have thought? Not me. No one. “Everyday could be your last day” has never been taken this serious. I mean. I had my last school day. forever. this abrupt. lol. i cried. a lot. but im ok now. addition: its been about three weeks now since being quarantined and things have been okay. somehow managed to deal with all the rough stuff and my depressive ass!! :) i have found things that distract me from daily life and feeling sad so yep im ok kind of but i dont know what is about to come. everything’s just so unsure that it gives me next level anxiety. hopefully things are going to be okay. somehow. 

[pajnloki]

fav anime op’s & ends AND OST KDRAMA

Anime - chihayafuru op 1 - btooom op - parasyte op and ed - yuri on ice op - hxh end 3 

Kdrama: - Dr.romantic - my love (baekhyun) - descendants of the sun - talk love (kwill) - itaewon class - start (gaho) - sky castle - we all lie - healer - you (ben)

[pajnloki]

Do you ever distance yourself from a show and its fandom for a while and when you come back you feel like a new fan and end up falling in love again?

[pajnloki]

6 // december sadness

Hello as you can probably tell from the title: im not feeling so well right now. Well ive actually been doing great the past few months I don’t even know what went wrong today…

fall-winter is always really stressful as deadlines come closer, the weather sucks and the early darkness outside is not helping at all. And yeah October-december has always been stressing me out as well! Nothing new! But this is my last stress period before I graduate or at least before my very finals exams. And knowing this just makes everything worse and me even more emotional  than I already am tbh. You don’t even understand honestly. Its so hard and frustrating and exhausting to the point where even crying is just draining me. And school or my future FUCK IT ALL. I couldn’t care less at this moment. But the thing that stresses me out the most right now are people!! They make me sad and mad and cry all the time and I don’t even know why. What did I do so wrong to deserve this? Why are you treating me like this I don’t understand. Yes im a person for myself and im not like u and ur not like me we have different opinions and values but that’s not a reason for us to go from friends to strangers in one second especially when we were friends for such a long time.

Guys u don’t even understand how sad im feeling right now. I had two really close friends and weve been frieds for years but these two aren’t even strangers to me now. Its like we never met. Its like we live in different universes where each others existences aren’t there anymore. And its making me feel sad. Not because I miss them. Well maybe I do. But im partly a reason for this. Because of my immature ass. But its so draining to act like idc or that im okay or that ignoring them is ok or acting like they are air is okay. Im not ok. But I don’t expect us to be friends. Oh hell no.i would never. Because I know better than anyone else that it aint that simple. But what im hoping for is a talk. A conversation where we get to understand our feelings. Each others feelings and thoughts and opinions. Because yes we never got the chance to talk. We just drifted apart like two polar caps. And its frustrating. Because im always like. What if. What if we actually talked. And yes I regret it. The things I said and the things I did. Because if I could. I would go back and do it differently. Ive grown up. And ive changed. So hear me out. And I don’t even know why I have to ask and make the first step. But im always like that. But u know what. At this point I couldn’t care less about my honour or whatever or my ego. Me reaching out first? Hell yeah watch me do it because YES I wanna talk it out and if u don’t that’s fine but just know that I genuinely cared and you don’t know how much it took me to go this very first step. Seems easy but hell no it aint. Me double texting and calling you because you left me on read and ignore me? Hell yes watch me even ask your mom because bro we’re living in the century where communication is SO EASY and we should be grateful and ACTUALLY talk. Don’t avoid it. Im doing it for me AND FOR YOU. Because I know how ur feeling. Im feeling the same way bro. its hard and annoying. So lets talk because we know that even if we do not end up as friends after it or even go our own ways forever, at least we can move on with it with an ease at mind. And that’s just healing for both, yes talking is hard. Yes misunderstand occur. But we are so young. So dumb. And so clueless. Lets just do it. I mean right now.

and yes bro this text is a mess but look at me im a mess so its fine i guess

[pajnloki]

5 // hello growth

Okay as I was already hinting about writing about this topic which is really important to me, I’ll be starting now. And just a short disclaimer: its going to be very personal and emotional so yah lets go.

We were three. Three teenagers: Each one of us living a different life. In our daily life we saw different people, experienced different situations and we didn’t see each other that often. But the moment we went home we were connected. It sounds ridiculously corny right now but that’s just how it was. It’s weird that in our generation it’s so easy to communicate with people living miles away from you but that’s also a beautiful thing, right? I do know about all those technology criticism but we’re evolving and it’s a process that can’t be stopped anyways and we as humans have always been striving for education, development and improvement. Anyways, back to the actual topic, which is about friendships and everything else connected to that. We were three. It’s an uneven number that alone is already posing kind of a problem, lol.   I used to be friends with both separately before we formed or three-man squad. We were like friendship goals lol and I was always so glad that I had those two to talk to. But it wasn’t always like that. I often felt really left out and just as if I was third-wheeling, kind of. Yeah, I often felt like that. As if that one friend liked the other and more and didn’t care about me as much as they did about the other one. It was sad obviously but I just shrugged it off but that feeling always lingers and it’s always in your unconsciousness. However, I was so young and naïve back then that these things really hurt me on a different level. Like it was fr bad because now I’ve changed and these kind of things like “oh they like them more and I’m being left out” … these kind of things really don’t matter me as much as before or like I wouldn’t be hurt by it anymore and I kind of learned and realized how I should be dealing with it the right way. Basically I grew up and matured a lot to be honest. Like I cant even think about my old self because I used to be so innocent and simply a crybaby, which didn’t cry that much but was always on the edge of lol. My past self who was dealing with that feeling of being left out didn’t really know how to handle it. She didn’t know whom to tell her worries and she was feeling hopeless. I was experiencing a situation like that in elementary school and in the beginning of middle school already so I was kind of traumatized. Because you gotta understand I was literally just trying to have some friends but in the end they were like excluding me. And it was ended up being like that I was w h y. QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK. Basically. It wasn’t until grade 7 when I found a real friend. And she was pretty much my friend or the only one I was able to reach out to in daily life. I was young and introverted somehow. My younger self was extremely in the “I only need one friend” mode so I was only friends with that one girl from 7th grade to like 10th grade. For these whole three years I only had one close friends, but I did have some other viet friends as well. The school system in Germany is kind of confusing because we’re in classes until grade 10. So my school had classes from A to D with 30 people in each class. But the moment you get into grade 10 the classes melt together into one big one and from there on it depends on which subjects you’ve chosen. That means that mostly have different people in different subjects. It was a whole new experience for my introverted ass. But like I wasn’t your stereotype intro-girl. I’m pretty open-minded and I can talk to people really easily it’s just that making close friends is hard. Just talking in school and joking around is totally okay though. So yeah in 10th grade I had to opportunity to talk to many different people and I started bonding with lots of them because I think I’m a pretty fun person to talk to ;) like I was always really up to date with all the memes and slangs and stuff because I used to be in lots of fandoms (hints: weeb, kpop lol bye kms) and I just knew the trends and stuff. And it’s also important to understand that I literally had one friend and she also only had me in school so we were like an inseparable duo. <3 And we weren’t one of the cool kids because I didn’t own a phone till I was like 15 years old or so and I never actually got to get close to the cool kids. All the cool kids from each class were friends which each other, considering the fact that friendships outside of one owns class wasn’t really common. So during class 10 all those cool people and the popular kids were like THE SQUAD everyone wanted to be friends with. I also went through a lot of changes during that time. I used to look really nerdy and my mum mostly bought my clothes but my style and look changed drastically. It was a sort of glow up.. probably. I’m not really sure but I definitely started to look way cleaner and just had a better sense of style. It was the start of me being interested in fashion and all that stuff and I just generally speaking developed a conscious were I started to think way more mature and I literally grew so much that year. I mean I was always an open-minded person who had a lot of different interests: I had phases where I liked kpop and anime and gaming and stuff. So also had discord and was talking to like all the guys so I got pretty close to them and I started started to get closer with some other girls but was never really part of that cool squad. I never saw the need to join them anyways so I was okay with me having my two friends and discord friends or so lol. It wasn’t until 11th grade when I really started to get close to people. As I already said before it’s really hard for me to bond with people on a closer level unless we have a lot of common interests but I was able to bond some. I mean there were already some people I was close to since my class but we weren’t like THAT close to the point where we would meet up in our freetime every day or so. It was just sometimes u know. But then I went to a trip because of the IB and I started to become really close to that one girl and we clicked immediately. Through her I kind of got into that cool squad and I already knew most of the people in there because some of them were in my class and they liked me. I became a like “squad member” somehow because my one friend (the one since grade 7) also started to get close to different people and we both kind of found new people and so we kind drifted apart BUT LIKE NO. It wasn’t as if we stopped talking but it was just that we kind of got into different squads. I was extremely sad because it was always just us two but then we grew up and met other people. It’s normal of course but I did feel a tad emo. Grade 11 was really the turning point of me and my friendships. I kind of met tons of new people and got close to some and dropped some but in the end I found my real close friends like my real squad. My current squad consists of me and three other girls. And all three of them used to be in my old class. We already knew each other and also met each other a few times but wasn’t as if we were that close. But it’s important to note that this big cool squad’s actually pretty toxic and shady but we weren’t really supportive of their behavior of judging others and their doings when we’re all flawed and all doing mistakes and having other values. So we as the “supportive” ones grew very very close and now we’re like the best friends (not a big fan of that word but that just kind of describes how much I love them). The three of them were already really close before so it was pretty much just me being the new one but It was never awkward we clicked SO WELL. And we’re still extremely close and we love each other and it’s just so nice when we’re together because there’re only good vibes which is not so often with that “cool” squad since they’re all really toxic and started to realize that the moment I got close with them. I did try to change them but it didn’t actually work out so I try to tell them when they’re being rude but I just distanced myself a bit. YES. And I already explained. 11th grade was WEIRD. And it changed me and made me the person I am know. Ofc every single year is influencing me but I feel like grade 11 really had the biggest impact on my values and morals and how I want to be treated and how I want to treat others. I mentioned it in the beginning that I had two friends and they were living in different cities. We met each other in like 2015 and were still going strong. Kind of. We always hung out on discord and pranked others and we always met each other in each other’s cities and it was nice. But I started to feel left out as I explained and also said that it may be due to my low self-esteem back then which didn’t come back until grade 11! So when my self-esteem rose again I knew how I wanted to be treated and how I want to feel. If people make me sad and cry I can’t call those my friends and one of them was just making me feel worse day after day and meeting after meeting until someday when I decided: no more. I couldn’t deal with it anymore and I started to ignore both of them because I didn’t what to do and how to do it but I needed space. And time to think about our friendship. I only had a problem with one of them but it felt wrong to just “attack” one. I was scared and I felt sorry. I started to ignore them for like a week and they were hella worried cause they obviously didn’t know what was going on especially since they both live somewhere else. And when I felt really to speak up I told that friend what was bothering me and how hurt I was. I talked and I cried because it was really stressing me out. I also tried to say in a reAAALLY nice way to not offend her in any way. But it didn’t work out I guess because she then answered with a long ass text and implicitly said I was at fault. It kind of escalated and in the end we couldn’t talk about it because she blocked and deleted me everywhere. And there was still the other friend who was in the middle of us. She was like between us and didn’t know to handle the situation as well since she was friends with both of us. So it got awkward and it took us both  quite some time until we grew close again and now we’re stronger than ever. The two of us. She still feels awkward telling me about her meeting the other friend but im okay with it. However yesterday she suddenly sent me a voice message where she was at a amusement park with the other friend and they both talked. And I heard her voice and I felt like a clown. Her sending me that felt really really weird and it was just uncomfortable but I couldn’t tell her because I didn’t want that whole situation to happen again so now im here feeling hella confused and exhausted. Idek what to write anymore because im so dead inside so im just gonna leave this draft here like I didn’t even check for correct spelling and stuff so yolo. Just wanted document how much ive changed during the last few years and how proud I am of me actually for finally understanding my worth.

[pajnloki]

4 // october recap

new month, new me. Lol. Just kidding :’(

but hello it’s me again!! October was a rough month and one hella exhausting one despite having 2 weeks of fall break. This was my last fall break (im emo) and I didn’t really do anything special  honestly. Was mostly just sleeping and procrastinating, the usual stuff. But I didn’t go through some frustrating moments where I kind of isolated myself from the outside and I was pretty much dead. It wasn’t as bad as it may sound. I was just kind of tired of everything and especially of me and my sensitive ass. And Although I did cancel some plans with friends and pretty much ignored everyone on social media I was still doing pretty okay. It wasn’t like I had a total mental breakdown… it was more like I needed some time offline and those (idk) ¾ days were extremely healing and refreshing. I felt so much better after that and recovered quite fast. – Pretty much my fall break in nutshell.

When school started again It was bad and I was doing worse, rofl. Exams started right after school started and I had no time to even breathe, literally. I had both my main courses in one week and one of it was an oral exam, which basically consists of mental stress and that didn’t really help me at all. However, I managed somehow… like I always do and you don’t even know how happy I am that those damn exams are finally over. I didn’t get all them back yet besides math but I think I did pretty well but I don’t want to sound too confident because I don’t want to raise my expectations too high, yk. Although exams are over, I still have tons of assignments do to because of that damn IB. Trust me guys, I’m not even doing the full IB diploma but I’m already crying so good luck to everyone else, urgh. Because of the stress I had the whole month I didn’t even realize that it was already spooky season and before I could blink it was Halloween already. Halloween was pretty chill and I was just hanging out with my close friends. It was really a beautiful actually although we didn’t do anything too special but just spending time with these people make me (and I can’t stress it enough) feel so happy and loved. Plus I also had a costume lol I went as Miguel from Coco!! <3 #unpocoloco ;)) My October started really roughly and it was simply bad and not enjoyable at all but I thought that it ended quite good and I thought “after rain, sun follows” but just as quick as sun followed, the rain came back and now I’m feeling kind of hopeless. I know I am young like I’m literally a teenager and I know all those problems I have are so ridiculous and every time I think about my past “problems” I just facepalm myself ;; but like I can’t change the fact that these trivial things still bother me a lot and I feel like I’m going to be emo for the rest of the week if I’m not spilling it now ( or in the next text ;)

Bye

[pajnloki]

3 // healing friendships

Okay yeah, I’m obviously glad that it’s finally holidays now and although I have tons of assignments to do I’m still relieved since I don’t feel as stressed as I would during school. 

I should be happy and smiling right now but I’m not and I’m actually wondering for myself why I’m like that. There are so many things that I still need to talk and write about so let’s start: Friends. I love my friends. ALOT. Hella lot. They’re the most precious people in my life and I couldn’t imagine my life without them honestly. I’m still a high school student so lemme explain my situation: We have like a big group of people and its somehow our “squad” but not really? Since not everyone’s close with everyone so it’s more of a really superficial friends-group. But at the beginning of the year and even at the end of last (school) year I reallllly wanted to be friends with them all. When I was in grade 10 (I’m in grade 12 now, my last year.) I only had like 1 friend and we’ve been together since 7th grade. And as much as I dislike the term “best friend” you can sort of see as that to make it easier. And I never needed anyone else. We were always happy. Just us two. But as we entered grade 10 all 4 classes of us got put together and we became one big one where you have like different kids in each class since it depends on which subjects you’ve chosen. Luckily my friend and I we chose the same courses and ended up in a lot of lessons together so nothing really changed for me. But don’t misunderstand. I still had a lot of friends. And especially those from my former class. We weren’t as close and only talked to each other in school and on birthday parties but I still liked them.  When I entered grade 11 a lot of things changed actually. Somehow I became a lot of more open-minded and talked to so many different people. I don’t even know how it happened (maybe because of the impact of discord lol #gamer) but yeah it changed a lot. I made many new friends from the other classes and I think they liked me. We grew closer and I gradually became part of this big group, the one I mentioned in the beginning. It was like the squad in school. Imagine the “cool kids” in all those American teen movies. Kind of like that. And I was happy.. happy to be part of them and I always saw them as so funny and cool to chill with but as I kept on being with them I started to realize that they weren’t as nice as I thought them to be. I was shocked because they were… I’m not sure if the term I’m using to describe them is appropriate but I would label them as “toxic”. Why? As I was part of the clique now I noticed that they were extremely judgmental. They literally judged anybody and everyone: From strangers to even amongst themselves. I was disgusted honestly speaking and couldn’t really understand them since I was never used to that kind of behavior. Another aspect that I want to mention is their extreme rudeness towards each other and others? They weren’t treating each other really nicely but rather were really harsh and not considerate at all. It was weird to me. It was a new environment and I didn’t know how to handle it so I tried to adapt to them. I mean I didn’t change my behavior.. maybe a bit at the beginning but I quickly came back to my senses. But worse was that that one friend that I had since grade 7 was also finding new friends and they also became a squad. I felt left out.. And it hurt but I never told her because I was happy she found other friends as well and was having fun.. she was happy unless me who was dealing with that bunch of rude idiots. It became exhausting over the months and I felt as if 11th grade was extremely stressful and exhausting. At one point I stopped caring because I tried to change them. Every time they gave off a mean comment I told them to stop but they didn’t really listen. Of course I could’ve stopped talking to them and yeah I could’ve tried to find new people but it was hard to just distance myself from them. I was scared. Scared of being left out.. scared of being alone. So I desperately held onto them and I felt how my energy was drained more and more as day after day passed. And I didn’t know whom to talk about it besides that one friend but she was dealing with her own problems and life so bothering her seemed wrong to me. Didn’t really want to become a nuisance. I fell into darkness and it got darker and darker, to the point where light seemed unreachable. I started to talk less and less to my one close friend and I felt like I had nobody. I wasn’t depressed but I always felt gloomy and immediately went to sleep after school just so that I wouldn’t have to be awake and think about all those things. My grades dropped and I started to get anxious in class. Didn’t participate in class anymore which was horrible since in our schools, participating in class is very important and influences the final grade by 50% (in some subjects even 100%). I was hopeless so to say. And I don’t know how but somehow everything started to change after a baking-date. It was a few weeks before this year’s summer break. We had to bring sweets to class and this one classmate and me we decided to bake a cake together. I knew that girl. She was really sweet and she was also in my former class. I liked talking to her but I never felt like I could develop a deeper connection to her. I felt like we wouldn’t really click. But I was wrong. Totally wrong. It was a Saturday morning and I went to hers to bake that cake. And it was tad awkward but sweet. We baked the cake and put it in the oven. While waiting we started talking. Just randomly. Talked about all sort of things: Grades, school, the future and our friends. And I was so surprised because we were on one page and it felt like I’ve been friends with her for years. We both were extremely shocked at how well we fit. Literally two pieces of puzzles. And it all began with a cake. After that I got closer to two others of my former class as well (I was closer to them than the cake-girl but we just started to hang out as a group more) and it was just perfect. We all had the same morals and values and just being together was so healing. A feeling we didn’t really had being with that big group. Because they thought the same just like me. They never approved of that the others were doing and it was like a miracle that we found each other in this pitch black darkness. I was so happy and I still am. They made me enjoy school and hanging out again. They made me feel like being the way I am is okay and it gave a lot of confidence. The confidence I needed. I never lacked confidence or anything like that but it just been a while since I last felt genuinely appreciated and loved. So I wanted to thank you. Thank you for making school a bit less unbearable. Thank you for loving me. And although I may be extremely extra sometimes I still love u very much <3 ly.

[pajnloki]

2 // summer

Summer – the season of the year, where it’s the warmest, sweatiest and happiest. :) You know, it’s summer when you go out and there are no clouds (unless ur from California or so where it’s always hot lol me living in cold ass Germany cant relate.) and you immediately feel the good vibe lingering in the air, the cheerful kinds and all those people with their sunglasses and shorts on. The tan or rather sunburns on their faces and you slowly feel how u get freckles all over your nose or is it just your imagination..? You go out and all the bright colors welcome you: yellow, blue, green, pink. – Bright and so full of life you can’t help but smile. It’s hot and you’re sweating when a cold fresh breeze messes up your hair, but you don’t get mad…moreover you dive into the wind and you’re floating and just immerse yourself in the good, beautiful moment as the rays of sunshine kiss your face. But as you open your eyes summer’s gone. So fast and so abruptly, that it’s making you feel empty and cold, left alone until you remember it’s always like that, every year. I honestly cannot believe this summer is already over. I mean it went by so quick, in a blink of an eye and I wasn’t even able to actually say goodbye considering that it was my last one… as a high school student I mean. This year’s summer has been short but there wasn’t even a minute that I didn’t enjoy and cherish. It was a beautiful summer, ineffable to be precise. I really don’t wanna exaggerate or so but it has been one of my most memorable summers so far and I’m so thankful that I was able to experience all these beautiful things in my last summer. And honestly speaking mayhaps I didn’t do the most extreme and an incredible thing like travelling the world but it’s the small things that impact you the most. Sure I didn’t travel to Mount Everest or went swimming with dolphins somewhere in the sea but I did experience things that changed me. It’s weird how you change and grow in a year, a summer. It’s really weird because the me from last summer could never even dream of becoming the me from this years-summer. I’m sad that I’m graduating, so sad I literally cry every time just thinking about it but this summer made me feel so wonderful and the people around me who treasured me gave me hope and strength that moving on may not be as bad. This summer was really important to be and to the development of myself, I think. It helped to heal and to actually understand what my morals are and how I should deal with people and situations. The vibrations and all the music everywhere filled me with happiness every single day. Meeting the people close to me, talking to them about all kind of things helped to get grasp of the outside world and of myself as well. And I’m glad that I was able to experience such an eventful summer. Maybe I’m especially enjoying this one, since it’s my last but I don’t care! (: Summertime is something we all should appreciate and not let it go to waste, because it charges you with positive energy for your life and that feeling and those memories, those scents – they will always be with you and only you, because we all experience a different summer that influences us in a different way. But one thing’s for sure: We’ll never be the same afterwards.

[pajnloki]

1 // an introduction

hello there.  this is probably my 10th time creating a blog where i can drop off my thoughts and experiences in life. im still young so please bear with my immatureness :)  i tend to rarely finish things ive started and this ended up being one of those but im trying to get my life together now and writing really helps me sort out my thoughts and it eases my mind. its very healing to me but somehow i cant seem to find the right words. maybe im nervous - my hearts fluttering like it was my first time writing. also i do know when to use lower & upper case lol but it depends on my mood and the general vibe for me to pay attention to it. not like im expecting anyone else to read this, feels more like a diary to myself. until then