palace-of-freedom - Tumblr blog

[palace-of-freedom]

This is the first time I'm writing after very long. A lot has happened. its been 8 months since my parents have gotten a divorce and life is drastically better. But new stages come with new challenges.

currently I'm harbouring a lot of resentment towards my father. He was physically abusive to my mom, and emotionally unavailable to me. He was a greedy human who only cared about money and his standard of living, but did not want to do anything to contribute to it. He was a lazy chearer, and my life is more peaceful without him. I just wish there was an easier way for my mom to handle it all and heal from what he put her through. i hope there's something out there in the universe that'll make him pay for the pain and suffering he put us through.

14/08/2021

[palace-of-freedom]

I have been struggling with feeling very anxious recently. I go through most of the day barely able to breathe, and every time i wake up in the morning, i feel like im having a heart attack. I'm low on energy and will to do anything. im constantly exhausted. I don't know whats wrong with me

[palace-of-freedom]

To my mother - a list of everything I wish had the gitd to say to you

Today is my birthday. This is the 2nd birthday of mine that you have successfully ruined. Last year you spent it fighting with that. This year you started being disappointed in me. I dont want a mother who is so insecure and so manipulative that she is confused. I don't want an emotionally abusive mother. I don't want someone who considers me a "responsibility" as a mother. You are not perfect. I am a better child than you are a mother and I'm sick and tired of being "perfect" or having this standard of being better than my sister. I'm sick, tired and fed up.

Where have you created a perfect environment? it is thanks to you that I have no faith in love. I dont even know if I'm capable of falling in love. I'm tired and exhausted of you and your games. You want something, say it upfront or be quiet about it. If you're gonna yell at me and say "the ship has sailed" after I change my mind and decision then thats on you. You made the choice, not me. Its your fucking fault. Your upbringing of me has made me this anxious mess. I am grateful for all that you have done for me and i love you as a parent, but I have no respect for you as a human being. I dont blame my brother in law for not respecting you. I dont blame my sister for leaving home. I dont blame my dad for wanting 18 divorces from you. You're a mess. And i feel no guilt saying this because its all true.

What parent tells their kid that "youre just a responsibility" and being around you is like a "punishment." A very fucked up one. As of today, i hate you a lot. I have friends who love and care about me. I have a life that I actually like. I have friends with who the few hours i speak to them for, i smile and laugh more than I do in the entire week. Forgive me for wanting more of that feeling. For wanting to feel love instead of being pushed away or pushed around.

As of today, I'm done. You dont keep expectations from me and I dont keep anything from you. Thats it. I dont want to be your friend or your confidante, because the truth is just that you're a very bad one. it's because of you and your words that i have permament scars on my hands and thighs. the actions may have been done by me, but it was only because you insulted and hurt me. What parent calls their child selfish? All children are selfish. we're children. but me? i think I've done more for you than I've ever done for myself. and right now, you're not worth it. You're a fuck up of a parent and I am just done. Thank God you never had that third kid and you had a miscarriage. Sometimes i wish I was the child you miscarried. Days like today, i wish I was never even born.

Life on Earth is chaotic. Specially with this stupid virus. And being trapped in this house with only you people for company. People say look at the bright side and change your thinking to at least I'm safe. I may be safe at home, but i dont think im sane or happy. I'm dying of anxiety and for that too, I blame you. You have anxiety. Genetically you passed it down. As if thats not enough, being spiritual or believing in something bigger than yourself acts as a protective barrier from mental illnesses but you just couldnt let me have that either. You just had to confuse me. You had to fuck me over. I envy my sister for leaving. She at least found happiness. Me, all I got were rejections from everywhere. Now I'm stranded here for God only knows how long. I dont even want to get married or fall in love. That just feels like another prison to me. For that too, i blame your influence. And now I'm stuck. I dont know how to fix or improve myself. I dont know how to heal and I just feel very done right now.

[palace-of-freedom]

I wss filling out a friend's questionnaire earlier today and it asked "by your definition of abuse, have you been in an abusive relationship as an adult." To that I answered "No", not realizing that my definition of abuse was flawed. I read the questionnaire and the character described in it was being abused. The boyfriend never hit her, but he did call her worthless multiple times. He was suspicious and did not trust her, however much she reassured him that she didn't cheat on him. He demanded her phone and remained relentless until she handed it over to him.

Now, I haven't exactly been through this. But I can imagine where this situation will end. The next time, the boyfriend will be more aggressive, realizing he can get away with it. In future, he may even hit her. He will have gotten inside her head and manipulated her into believing that she was worthless. That this guy was the best she'd ever get. That she wasn't worth loving. That no one would ever accept her. That she would never be good enough. She would become trapped and be unable to ever leave the person she claims loves her. In truth, he doesn't love her. Not in the traditional sense. He fears being left alone. He believes that she is his in every way possible and that she should know it - she has no hope of ever leaving him, not without a lot of emotional blackmail.

I haven't been through this exactly, but I did realize today that I was in an abusive relationship as a teenager. And I never came to terms with it or accepted it. My ex boyfriend too had called me worthless and useless countless times. He called me selfish, arrogant and helpless too. And I could never think of that as being verbally abused. I used to justify his words and fit into his label, because the more I fought the label, the more he fought me. The bigger the issue would blow up. And I've never been the type of person who argues or fights. Four years ago, I was even worse than I am today. Today, fighting with someone causes a full blown panic attack. If a friend doesn't speak to me for a few days, I begin to think of every way I've screwed up. I self-blame a bit too much. I internalise problems. I panic and I freeze.

I was abused by mother as a child too. Being a child of an Indian family, its weird if you dont get slapped a few hundred times for whatever reason. So I figured it was part of my culture and that its normal - everyone goes through it. I played it off the way I did with my relationship, nd treated it as though it was all normal. Slowly I've been breaking out of that pattern. I don't let people control me anymore. I stand up for myself more. I'm drawing boundaries that should have been there years ago. And I'm proud of myself for this small growth. I see where things are going wrong and I'm trying to correct them now. I'm about 7 years too late, but still - better late than never. The reason for this growth: learning psychology.

The last 3 years of studying have taught me that you should not hit your child. Its not okay. It taught me that your attachment style with your significant other will reflect the attachment style you had with your mother. It forms a basis on which your every relationship is defined, described and explained.

Personally, I have an anxious attachment style. Over the past year, I've been trying to change it to a more secure attachment style, but I think I'm now avoidantly attached. Im not a 100 % sure, but its a feeling I've been having recently. When the going gets tough, I avoid looking at my phone. I avoid people. I crawl into a shell and isolate myself, until someone pulls me out. But this wasn't the point I was trying to get at.

I wanted to say that "its okay." That these may have been my life experiences over the past 21 years. But they're not going to define the rest of my life. Based on the patterns described by psychological theory - I am destined for more abusive relationships, until I break the pattern. Until I rewire my brain. Until I figure out my defense mechanisms and start using healthier coping styles.

The first thing I did today when I came to this realization waa criticize myself. The first thing I asked myself was "how stupid are you to miss this guy even after four years since your break up. He treated you like crap and called it love. He said no one else would ever love you and you believed it. You've jinxed yourself to end up alone. You've become so scared of love because all you've seen is how badly it hurts. How do you know its your destiny to stay like this?" Whats wrong with you, you idiot? How could you be so stupid? You've just wasted four years of your life in this. Why can't you move on?"

This was a mistake. If a friend told me this story, I would treat them with compassion and understanding. Why cant I do the same for myself? I deserve the same love, the same understanding and the same compassion as does anyone else. I want to start being kinder to myself. I want to let myself feel. I want to accept that I went through this. I want to realize that I went through this and I got myself out. I'm the only person I need to save myself. And I need to get myself to know and remember that. I'm okay and I will be okay. And soon I can really be happy without it being by surpressing my feelings and emotions, or distracting myself. I look forward to that day when I can say I'm truly happy, and mean it.

[palace-of-freedom]

I am not doing okay. I think I need to write but I have absolutely no clue where to begin. 

Everything feels like its collapsing around me. It feels like everything is going wrong and I just constantly feel scared. It's paralyzing. I can't get anything done. I have no memory. There are big blanks in my head where I have done something, but for the life of me, I can’t remember. Those blanks feel scary. 

I constantly feel out of. I'm tired and fatigued. I have no energy or will power to do anything. I feel broken. Like my brain is cracked open, the parts are blended and mashed together and then trying to function normally. I don't know what to do. This entire month has been bad - in terms of socializing, university stress, family drama, friendships, assignments... I feel like I’m just slowly dying and nothing brings me pleasure or happiness. I feel so tired. I’ve been feeling like self-harming for the past few days, but I’ve managed to resist. I think broken is the only word that truly fits how I feel

[palace-of-freedom]

I can't remember the last time I wrote. 

Right now I literally feel like I’m dying of anxiety and all I can feel is anger towards myself. I'm mad at myself for constantly agreeing to people’s whims. for not being able to focus or get anything done. I'm mad at myself for panicking. I'm mad at myself for procrastinating. I literally feel so bloody exhausted I can't even human right now. I'm soo tired. I'm tired of socializing. I'm tired of talking to people. I'm tired of dressing up. I'm tired of going out. I'm tired of people coming home. I'm tired of uni. I'm tired of my friends. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of working. I'm tired of writing. I'm tired of studying. I'm so fucking tired I just can't. I cant. I feel broken and dead and everything just fucking hurts. 

[palace-of-freedom]

“How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn’t they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise?”

— Don DeLillo, White Noise

[palace-of-freedom]

Why do we always want to grow up? why can we never be content with where we are today?

I remember as a 5 year old child, all I wanted was to grow up, be 21 years old. Be done with school and studying. I thought college, university and work life were better. More fun. More exciting. More enjoyable.

Here I am at 21 and all I feel is dead. From the past three days, all I've been telling anyone who asks is how dead I feel. How I'm collapsing under stress and pressure. How all I need is a break but things just keep piling on over my head, and I feel like I'm getting buried.

What has life become?

How are things so different from what and where I expected to be at 21?

What is the point of everything?

Why did i need to grow up so desperately?

Why couldn't I just enjoy my time as a child?

I cant help but ask myself these questions and I feel like I'm just slowly spiralling into insanity and will just collapse soon

[palace-of-freedom]

Day 101 or something.

I've lost track of days. Its been 2 months and 5 days since I last wrote this. I guess that makes today day 101 or so since I decided to track my mental health.

To begin with: a life update. My mental health hasnt been the best over the past 2 months. My friend says its better because I'm less caged now. I'm more capable of doing things and forcing myself into situations...but to be very honest, I dont feel it. I dont feel any difference in my mental health or my sanity or anything. I feel worse. I feel like I'm as good as dead on the inside.

I can't bring myself to help with my friends issues. I cant bring myself to leave home. Its taxing to socialise or speak to people. I had the house to myself almost all day today...and there was so much I could have done. Instead I binged a show for from 3.30 to 8, and then again from 9 to 3. I was meant to clean out my room drawers while my parents were out and to do something like that, I needed 2 cups of coffee to give me energy. I don't like feeling dead but its sooo damn challenging to do anything. Its like every movement I make takes something out of me.

I've been so numb and exhausted that I havent been able to bring myself to write for 2 months. I dont know whether its good sign or a bad one that I'm writing today. I feel like I have no purpose and all I want right now is to go back to university so that I get busy again and have things to do with my life to keep me going.

I hit a really dark place sometime in July. It got so dark that I spent 3 days constantly fantasizing and longing for death. One night, I actually prayed to God and asked him to just let me not wake up in the morning. My first thought upon opening my eyes was "shit, I'm awake." Healthy brains dont go there. My brain is not healthy and nothing I've done has worked.

The fact that I have medical disorders that can cause depression and a huge family history of it doesnt help my case. My family's knowledge and understanding of mental health is flawed. My mother flat out believes that my cousin should kill herself and be done with it, once and for all rather than stirring up drama by attempting suicide. My father thinks that losing weight and looking good is the cure. I have one fucked up family and I feel like a genetically fucked up mess of a person and I have no idea with where to begin to fix myself. I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to crack into pieces and break.

3/9/19

[palace-of-freedom]

Day 37

I spent the entire day today feeling anger and resentment towards my parents. All i wanted from them was for them to shut up and leave me alone. I felt a surge of anger. I wanted to smash and break things. I wanted to run away and cry.

my parents were the first people to break my spirit. They were the first people who showed me that love is never enough and there's more to a functioning relationship than love. They were the first people who showed me how love fails you; how love breaks you apart. They showed me how loving someone blinds you to everything else, and then smashes you to pieces.

My mother is someone who has always terrified me. My first clear memoty of my childhood is her slapping me repeatedly because I didnt like the food she made. I remember her breaking flip phones on my sister's wrist. I remember being a peacemaker between my mother and my sister from the age of 6. I blame her for my lack of a childhood.

Children are not meant to fear their parents. awe are meant to be attached to them. To have healthy. secure attachments with them. To respect and love them. In my case, all I feel towards my parents is resentment. Resentment because they stole my childhood. My mother has physically and emotionally abused me. My father has walked out on me multiple times. I feel no love. No respect. Just resentment, and sometimes hate.

What happens to a person when the people meant to love and protect them are the same ones who disappoint them and show them that the world is cruel?

I think thats when we hit breaking point. I've been feeling symptoms of depression since around November or December, but I became suicidal only after my mother slapped me 12 times in January. Being slapped has always been my breaking point, because those slaps are the clearest memories of my childhood. A slapping sound still makes me flinch today. One of my biggest fears is that I will end up married to a guy who physically abuses me.

With all my fears, feelings and emotions, I'm about to hit breaking point. My explosion is near and I just want to apologize in advance because I dont see this ending well. I'm scared of the burns that others will have to endure for me, but I dont think I can keep living this life. I'm fine, but I'm beginning to realize that fine isn't enough, and I want to be happy. Addressing the demons is where I need to begin, but my parents scare me to death. I would actually take death over telling my parents that I feel angry, anxious and suicidal because I can hear their voices in my head calling me weak, spineless, stupid and selfish. I can hear them blaming me for being the way I am and causing my own mental health problems.

Some people should just not be parents, because at least kids like me wouldn't have to suffer. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I just wasn't born, but there's nothing I can do now except make sonething of this life...

29/6/19

[palace-of-freedom]

Day 34

I was talking to a friend today, and I realized I give up a lot. If I see no point in sonething, and I just walk away and shut down. I become mute and stop trying altogether.

I found the root of my problem. I started giving up on things after I failed to get a top in the world in psychology. It killed a part of me, because I put all my energy in studying AS level Psychology, to the point where I didn't care about my other subjects, and it didnt pay off as well as I expected. My motivations changed from being for a need for success, to need for failure.

I fear failure so much, whether in friendships, relationships or education that I just give up when the going gets tough.

I may not remember entirely who I used to be a few years ago, but I was a person who never gave up, on anything. I had a need to see things through to the end, from a chess match, to an argument, to a failing relationship. I fought for everything I wanted and worked to earn it.

Today, I can't stand confrontation. I hate arguing with people and I don't like any form of insults. I blame my ex for that, because arguments with him were hellish and eventually broke my spirit after a while. And now, I just hate it. I can argue and confront, but it just hurts me and I wonder what the point is. My belief is that people leave anyway. Nothing is forever and all things (good and bad) come to an end. That includes life, so why waste time fighting or arguing about things that don't matter? I tolerate things until I physically can't, because its just easier for me. Its less taxing on an emotional level. I've become good at that now - just ignoring and surpressing things.

The problem comes when I cant handle more and my fuse explodes with either sadness or anger, and I hit a horrible low and feel guilty for losing control.

At the same time, I hate having control and making decisions. I'm too scared of choosing wrong or doing things others don't like, so I leave the control to others and just go with the flow. I like being free of having to make a decision, but it also makes me seem indecisive. I can make a decision on what to study, what subjects to take, what movie to watch. Anything thats left to me and only impacts me, I can make a decision. But when others are involved, it doesn't matter to me as much. I want to spend time with the people and i prioritize that over what we do or wear we eat.

26/6/19

[palace-of-freedom]

Day 32

someone told me that "if you like the person you are today, all your suffering is worth it."

I dont know how i feel about the person I am today. I dont know who I am anymore and I feel like I've lost my identity. I can tell you about my personality in different forms of personality tests and piece myself together from that, but well, that doesn't feel like a me thing to do.

I like myself because I'm stronger and more outspoken than I used to be. I tolerate less crap from people and put myself out there more. I like the fact that its easier for me to make friends and talk to people now. I like what I'm studying and I'm enjoying the psychological research I do.

I don't like that I keep getting into confrontations and arguments with people because of that change. I dont like the fear of confrontation I now have. I don't like losing people. I hate the fear of abandonment I have.

I feel like I've just shut down my system and I dont know how to switch back on. I feel low or meh. I dont remember happiness without alcohol, shisha, caffeine or sugar. I'm constantly exhausted and I feel like I'm at a standstill. I feel lost, and I don't like it.

24/6/19

[palace-of-freedom]

Day 30

"whats the point of fighting?"

This is a thought that has crossed through my mind way too many times. Im tired of fighting and I just feel like lying down and fading into oblivion.

Question is, why do I question my existence? Why do I want to end it all?

A lot of my depression comes from a feeling of worthlessness. It feels like my life has no meaning right now. Whether I exist or not, nothing changes. The sun will rise again. The earth will keep spinning. Everyone's lives will keep moving forward, and I will become a distant memory.

Things feel meaningless.

I feel happier. I've started working out, and listening to more music. I've started drawing inspiration from the shows i watch, but i need to find purpose in my life apart from my future career and research projects. I need to find something within myself to keep me going, instead of external stuff. I need to start living just for myself and nothing more. Because right now, what keeps me going is all the shows i need to watch, books which are coming out in a couple of months that I need to read, and places I need to see. For now, its ok. But its not enough for the long run.

22/6/13

[palace-of-freedom]

Day 21

today was a good day. at 6am mom and i saw the sun rise and then made cheese omelettes. i slept by 8am and woke up by 4pm and got ready and went shopping and for dinner with my parents. I came home a while ago and now i feel sleepy but im scared i wont fall asleep and will just end up thinking.

I dont want that to happen because today's been a good day. I've managed to feel happy without alcohol, shisha or coffee. I heard music though as a woke up and maybe that helped with the boost?

Now i still feel fine...I'm sleepy and I want to binge eat...and sleep but im not craving anything. i want to see something that captures and engrosses me and im watching ant man for that. I still cant bring myself to chat or keep conversations going with people but I feel slightly better and i guess that's all that matters, right?

13/6/19

[palace-of-freedom]

Day 20

Today was a better day.

I managed to work out. Its the healthiest I've eaten in a long time.

I saw 2 movies but neither of them kept my full attention. I had a minor anger lapse but I got it under control quickly. I feel okay. No post about staying alive is helping though. Anything I read about people valuing you or reasons to live or self worth doesnt do anything for me. I just feel meh. I dont care about anything, specially not myself.

12/6/19

[palace-of-freedom]

Day 19

Today was pretty bad.

Suicidal tendencies reduced but I had a breakdown a while ago. I was thinking of a song where one of the lines were "my heart has no reason to beat anymore" and I thought of all the reasons I was living for. I thought of my friends and my career. I wondered why not family and it triggered a memory of my mom ranting to me about one of my parents' fights. Apparently my dad once said that between my mom and I, if he could only save one of us, he would save me. And my mom had a huge issue with it and they had a big fight.

Where this memory came from and why, I'm not sure. But I respect my dad's logic in saving me, because he said that my mother has lived her life, but mine had barely started (i was around 18 at the time). It annoys me that my mother didn't think the same way. It bothers me that I would have been her last priority (with both my dad and sister ranking above me). I feel very done with my family and very hateful and angry towards the world today.

11/6/19

[palace-of-freedom]

Day 18

Today was crappy.

Yesterday was a damn good day, but someone passed a comment to me that hurt. It triggered a bad breakdown and I felt suicidal when I woke up this morning. Although I woke up at 1.30, I couldn’t leave my bed to even eat something until 5pm. I couldn’t bring myself to shower or keep up normal conversations with people. I felt dead and drained. I couldn’t bring myself to smile at anything or even think. I pretty much just dissociated and took a me day.

Right now I feel better. I saw 2 movies and 3 episodes and finished a book. I royally distracted myself from everything and i feel okayish. I can smile wnd laugh again. But I do feel kind of low. But i feel much better compared to when I woke up this morning and I’m very grateful for that.

10/6/19