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Venus BANANARAMA

Venus

BANANARAMA

My Music Blog

When I was an older child my stepsister Autumn, my stepbrother Samuel, my sister, my brother and I would go visit Dad and Donna’s occasionally on the weekends. Dad and Donna would move house a fair bit and for a time they were living up at Tascott at the Central Coast, NSW.

We were all still relatively young, I was still a child and they were teenagers (I was the youngest). When we traveled up to Tascott we would travel alone and had no adult supervision. Adult supervision wasn’t a big deal back in the 1980's. Us three girls didn’t like to sit with our brothers so we would sit in a different carriage. Tascott at the time had a small train station so we had to travel on a particular carriage just so we could get off the train and be able to get onto the platform. 

On the way up to Tascott we would listen to music on our portable stereo. The girls liked Venus by Bananarama which was a huge hit at the time and my sisters would play that song so loud that every time Bananarama sang ‘Venus’ my sister and Autumn would scream out ‘Penis’ out loud. They thought it was hilarious but I’m not sure what the other passengers on the train thought. They probably thought we were a bunch of bogan teenagers and if they thought that then they were probably right. I was an introvert so I didn’t join in but my sister and Autumn were both extrovert. I did laugh because I thought they were both hilarious (but I laugh at almost everything). My laughing most likely encouraged them.

Every time I hear that song today it reminds me of the time the girls would play Venus song over and over again on the train and screaming out ‘Penis’ going up to Tascott.

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BITCH

BITCH

CALLING ME A BITCH

[2012]

I’m okay with abject honesty but if someone is going to call me a ‘bitch’ I would rather them give a truthful reason why I’m a bitch and if it’s justified then I’ll be cool with that.

It’s just that they call me a ‘bitch’ with no justified reason. They call me that because they were revolting towards me and called me a bitch for refusing to be disrespected. These toxic individuals are users, are manipulative, liars, and have treated me unreasonably. Just because I didn’t go along with their games and manipulation, it certainly doesn’t make me a bitch. I just won’t tolerate their trashy BS when it is thrown my way. If these individuals are going out of their way to lie about me to others they are only lying about themselves. I’m going to continue being honest and standing up for myself. I am so over being surrounded by trashy troublemakers, I just can’t relate to those people. I don’t understand why they think they can disrespect me and assume that I’m going to go along with it. They are so stupid.

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BOB MARLEY

BOB MARLEY

My Music Blog

When I became homeless I stayed at Katie’s family home for a few weeks. One night we were chilling out and listening to my music and Bob Marley came on and we were both curious about how Bob Marley died. Katie thought he may have died from a drug overdose because a lot of rock music artists died from drugs back in the day. Katie went onto Google to find out how he died. She said that he died because he got skin cancer under one of his toenails. It’s scary to think that someone could get skin cancer under their toenail. It is also sad that Bob Marley could have lived if he had surgery to have his toe removed but due to his religious beliefs, he refused the surgery. The cancer spread to the rest of his body which killed him in 1981. He was only 36-years-old. It just goes to show how much control religion has over people.

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BLOW UP THE POKIES Part 6 THE END

Part 6 - Blow up the Pokies

Melissa, Autumn and Katie never played pokies. I can’t even imagine Katie being anywhere near pokies. I don’t think Katie even knows about Sharon and Keith playing pokies. Autumn hated pokies and Melissa preferred not to use them.

I think most of the people I have known who liked pokies were all associated with Keith.

               I just find playing pokies when you are out with friends or family is so anti-social, it’s not socialising at all. It’s strange that pokies are so anti-social but they put them into an environment where people go to be social, it’s extremely contradictive. I hate walking into a club or bar and seeing and hearing pokies. It would be nice to have more bars and clubs around that cares more about entertainment and comfortable social settings rather than pokies, however, I get it, they make most of their money from pokies. It’s all about money.

                I don’t believe in banning pokies, because I hate people being told what they can and cannot do. If someone wants to spend all their money to buy cigarettes, alcohol or play pokies that’s their choice and I don’t think anyone should force them to stop; that’s their choice, not anybody else’s. I’m not into people being controlled or told what they can and cannot do. However, I just think they should put pokies in one area, maybe in a building somewhere and all the pokie lovers should go there and play them and leave other places free of pokies. They even have pokies outside now, so the smokers can play them outdoors. It won’t be long until Panthers will have pokies in the toilets so you can play them when you are peeing; Gross, that won’t be hygienic. Whenever I’m around pokies, I just look at the buttons and think, “How often are those things cleaned?” Imagine all the germs on them, people who play pokies should carry around sanitizer, who knows what is on those buttons.

Sometimes Judy and I go to the club and play raffles, and that is gambling a bit. I won’t spend any more than $10 when I go with her and usually I am pretty lucky most of the time. I just go out to have fun, I don’t expect to win. However when we are at raffles, I see people with hundreds of dollars’ worth of tickets. Even though I spend the least amount of money on raffle tickets, I’ve won the jackpot a few times. I don’t win every time, but I’ve won enough times to be satisfied. I do pretty well for $10. I don’t really go down there to gamble, I’m mainly there to catch up with Judy and we both mutually like playing raffles. I’m just there to have a night out and enjoy myself; if I win it’s just a bonus.

                Instead of putting money into pokies all the time, they should put that same amount of money into a money box and open it in 5-years-time, there’s your jackpot. I just think there are so many adults who aren’t mature enough to take responsibility and they just go overboard because they have no self-control.

                Whenever I walk into the Penrith RSL club or Panthers League’s Club and look around at the people playing pokies around me, they just remind me of zombies. Old people today are always complaining about the younger generation looking at their phone screens, however the oldies are staring at a pokie machine screen. If there was a zombie apocalypse I hope they attack the people playing pokies first. It might actually get them away from the pokies to do something else besides playing pokies. Then they will have a new addiction, biting people.

                I really do think you can’t be too intelligent or interesting to play pokies for a long time, I’m not a smart person, but I need stimulation and that’s the main reason why I can’t play pokies. Pokies aren’t interesting or entertaining. Pokies are so fucking boring and there’s no challenge involved, they are all computerised, you don’t need any intellectual skill in order to win, it’s just a game of chance, and chances are you are going to lose. That’s why I find them so dull.

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BLOW UP THE POKIES 4 & 5

Part 4 - Blow up the Pokies

Sharon expected me and my friends to walk around the entire Panther’s Leagues Club to find Keith, because she didn’t want to look for him alone. She would make us walk around every single pokie trying to find Keith. It reminded me of those “Where’s Wally?” books, you know where you have to find Wally. Well that’s how it was when I was out with Sharon and Keith, it was like, “Where’s Keith?” and we would have to look around forever around all these pokies trying to find where Keith is. I don’t know why we were trying to find Keith, we all knew he was at a pokie somewhere and he would appear again eventually. Sharon would always get out of her seat and tell me, “I have to go find him”.

                Have you ever been to Panthers Leagues Club? Have you seen how many pokies are in that club? We would have to walk around all those fucking pokies, and there are a fucking lot of them and we would do that until we found him. This happened pretty much every single time I went to the club with them, whether I was alone or not.

                Sharon didn’t have a gambling addiction or anything like that she just seemed to do whatever Keith wanted to do because she didn’t want to be away from him. We knew Sharon didn’t have a problem with gambling, I think her addiction was with Keith.

                On my birthday we went to have dinner at an all-you-can-eat buffet and Keith paid $22 to eat there, he got a plate of food, he ate a couple of mouthful’s and he told Sharon he had to make a phone call and ran out of the restaurant and we found him afterwards playing pokies.

Even though Sharon knew Keith may have had a problem she would sit next to him and keep handing him money all night out of her purse so he could continue playing pokies all night and sometimes they would be there until 6am the next morning. I don’t know how much they would put in the pokies in one night but it would have been a lot of money. If she didn’t want him playing pokies, I don’t understand why she would be giving him all that money from her purse for him to play pokies and I also don’t understand why she would sit next to him and play pokies with him.

                I did address the issue once with Sharon about Keith playing pokies, I said, “I think Keith may have a gambling problem and may need help” and Sharon said back to me “No, he doesn’t” and she said “Even if he did there’s nothing I can do about it”. I feel like he had a problem and she was going along with it. Sharon would say to me (as they were playing pokies) “Keith doesn’t play pokies as much as he used to”. I didn’t bring up the subject again, it’s none of my business if he has an addiction or not. However, I did feel it was my business somewhat because every time Sharon wanted to catch up with me and invited me out, she would bring Keith with her and they would expect me (and my friend/s) to hang out with them at the pokies all night. So instead of spending time with Sharon I would wander off with a friend or I would go home early. I just got sick of her saying one thing and doing the other. I stopped going out with them after that.

                There are people who would insult or be cruel to people who do have addictions, I think it’s bad form to treat someone like that whether they have an addiction. There’s people who imply that someone has an addiction to something, when they actually don’t. It’s bullying and abuse. I personally believe that everyone has an addiction of some kind, we are all obsessed with something, and some people are addicted to the obvious: drugs, alcohol, smoking cigarettes, gambling, or junk food. Some people are addicted to other random things, which may not affect their health, but an addiction nevertheless.

                My addiction is books, I go to the library and get about 20 books out at a time, and I always find second hand books to buy as well (and on the rare occasion brand new books). I just can’t get my hands on enough books. Carrying them home has fucked up my body a bit I do read a lot, so it’s not like I’m buying them for no reason, I do get a lot out of them and I usually buy non-fiction books (not fiction books) so I’m learning a lot in the process. I’ve probably learned more from books than I ever did from all those years I went to school. I got this pile, it’s called ‘Books I have to read’, I’m almost certain that when I die that majority of those books will still be sitting there. The worst part about having a book addiction is when you move (move house), it’s not the furniture that is the problem, it’s my book collection, books are heavy. It’s a pain in the ass, but I can’t bring myself to get rid of them. I admit I’m a book hoarder, and when I die it could be due to having too many books, they might all fall on top of me one day and I will underneath them dead. I’m pretty honest about my book addiction, I tell people that I have an addiction to books, my mum says, “There are worse things to be addicted to.” Sharon told me once, “Just get rid of them all”, and I said, “You can’t just get rid of books” she doesn’t understand books like I do. If I ever get my own house one day, I want my own study with a library that has all of these shelves around me so I can put all my books on them; that is my goal in life.

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Part 5 - Blow up the Pokies

I was watching the TV programme Grand Designs (the English one) and in one of the houses this guy built himself a study with books all around him, this was my dream study. I was completely envious of him, and I don’t get envious that often.

We are all addicted to something and that’s why I don’t like to judge people harshly – we all have a habit that probably isn’t so good for us.

                I personally believe one of the main reasons why people become addicted to pokies and obviously they do it because they want to win the jackpot, however I don’t think it’s entirely about that. It may have something to do with boredom and they have nothing else to do. It’s not like bars or pubs have much to offer in the way in entertainment (especially in Penrith). I believe a lot of people get addicted to something like drugs and alcohol, because they want to have fun and it relaxes them and it gives them a good feeling. However if you get addicted to alcohol or drugs, it’s not going to give you a good or fun feeling if you are doing it all the time, that’s when it starts getting messy. When it comes to people who have addictions like gambling etc. I do think it could be due to them having a problem in their life, maybe they have lost their job, they are homeless, they are lonely, they’ve gone through some tough shit in life, they don’t feel like they are going to have a good future, maybe they just broke up with their partner, or maybe they are stuck in an unhappy marriage. They use addictions to fill up a void that’s inside of them, they feel empty inside and they use addictions to escape reality. They use an addiction to distract them from the real issue that they are trying to avoid. They use the addiction the same way some people use religion, it gives them a feeling of comfort and escape.

               I eventually stopped hanging out with Sharon and Keith for a variety of different reasons, of course I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life socialising with Sharon standing behind her playing a pokie machine. The one thing I won’t miss about Sharon and Keith (apart from the emotional abuse and narcissism) is standing around them at the pokies, I certainly won’t miss that. When you go out with your friends it’s all about compromise and everyone in the group should be doing something that they all mutually like, you can’t just tolerate something you don’t like to keep another person happy. I just felt like because I didn’t like tolerating Keith’s emotional abuse towards me, Sharon’s attitude was: “Nice knowing you, good riddance”, she didn’t say that, but her actions did. After I stopped associating with Keith, I heard from Sharon even less and after a while I stopped hearing from her completely.

My mother used to play pokies a lot but she eventually stopped which was good, she couldn’t afford to keep doing it. She used to spend money playing Keno but she only does it for fun now. Some of my aunties like playing pokies and I remember my nanna used to love playing pokies as well.

                Judy plays pokies but if she does she only plays them for about 5 to 10 minutes when we are out and then she finishes playing them and then walks away. 95% of the time when I’ve been out with Judy she doesn’t play pokies. When she does play pokies it doesn’t bother me at all because I know she won’t be sitting on them all night.

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BLOW UP THE POKIES part 2 and 3

Part 2 - Blow up the pokies

Regardless if I was on my own or I was with a group of friends, Keith and Sharon would always be sitting at the pokies and playing them. My friends all hated Sharon and Keith playing pokies as well. Every time we made arrangements to go out, one of my friends (or all of them) would complain or comment about how Sharon and Keith sit at the pokies all night. Everyone thought their behaviour was incredibly rude.

It wasn’t so much they were playing pokies it was more their expectation that we had to talk to them whilst they were playing pokies. Sharon had the expectation that we should all be standing behind them, looking at the back of their heads just to be able to catch up with them and this pissed us all off. When we told Sharon that we want to talk to her and spend time with her, she would say, “Well you can talk to us here”. We were all very forward with Sharon and Keith about our feelings about not wanting to catch up with them at the pokies, but regardless of how many times we said it, they would say, “Okay we won’t play pokies” but they would, if they said they would play them just for “5 minutes” that 5 minutes would mean 5 hours.

               When I go out with friends to catch up with them, I would like to see them (and their faces), spend time with them, talk to them, have some laughs, listen to music, drink and have fun. The only way that any of us could catch-up with Sharon or Keith was to stand behind them when they were pressing buttons on the pokies and they would talk to us without even turning their heads.

If Sharon and Keith were playing pokies for 10 minutes or something like that, none of us would have cared but it was never like that. We just never understood why they wanted to go out with us on our birthday or any other social situation just to spend the night playing pokies, they didn’t seem to really want to “spend the night socialising with their friends”. They could’ve played pokies any other time.

..

Part 3 - Blow up the Pokies

               When I celebrate my birthday I would have some friends over for drinks and music or we would go to the city, Sydney for some drinks at an outdoor bar or something like that. I know there are pokies in the city but there seems to be a better quality of places you can go in the city where you drink and socialise and have fun, where there is more entertainment and better atmosphere and you weren’t surrounded by pokies. Usually after a party or something else we would go to Panthers afterwards but that was mainly only because they were the only place open in Penrith and there wasn’t a selection of decent places for us to choose from to go locally. However when you are living in Penrith and you want to go out to socialise, travelling an hour or more is difficult for most people, so you have to compromise and go somewhere in Penrith instead. That’s the problem with Penrith, you want to go out local and not travel too far, but there aren’t many decent places to go locally.

               When Sharon was out without Keith, she wouldn’t play pokies and she had no desire to.

               Every time I made arrangements for us friends to catch up (or something like that) I would always say to Sharon, “If you want to go out, I don’t mind but I don’t want to be sitting around watching you two playing pokies all night” Sharon would be agreeable with what I said and she said “no, no, we won’t”, but I came to learn that I couldn’t trust Sharon’s word. Her actions contradicted her words.

Sharon and Keith at first would meet up with us, and usually they were always late so they would make us wait for them to turn up for about an hour or two (and sometimes more than 2 hours) which was annoying enough. Sharon has been late to everything her entire life but she always puts the blame on somebody else or something else and never takes responsibility. Sharon and Keith would sit down with us and get a drink and we would talk for a few minutes, but it wouldn’t be long until they were sitting at a pokie and expecting us to stand there behind them. 

                There were times we would go out and Sharon and Keith at first would sit down at the table with us with a drink and we would start talking, and Keith would turn to Sharon and tell her “I have to get a drink” or “I have to go to the toilet’,  sometimes he would ask if any of us wanted a drink and we would hand him money for him to get a drink for us, and he wouldn’t return with our drink, he would disappear. Keith usually would make an excuse to get away from Sharon so he could play pokies without her, as soon as he left the table he would usually turn off his phone so Sharon wouldn’t be able to contact him. If Keith was away from Sharon even for a second she would ring him up over and over again, panicking because he wasn’t with her. This is a normal scenario with these two.  If Keith was gone for 10 or 15 minutes she would start calling him up and start wondering where he was, me and my friends would just say to her, “He’s playing pokies”; it’s not like it was a secret or anything, we all knew what he was doing. Sharon would try to ring him over and over again, she would ring him about 20 times or more, if he turned on his phone again and she was able to reach him, she would start asking him questions such as “Where are you?” and “When are you coming back?”.

                If he left his phone turned off (which he usually did) and she couldn’t reach him, she would expect us to go looking for him because she didn’t want to be anywhere without him and she didn’t want to walk around and look for him by herself. He was only gone for half an hour or an hour, but Sharon can’t function even for an hour or more without Keith and if she wasn’t with Keith she would be talking on the phone with Keith. I don’t know what that was all about but that’s the way it was every time I caught up with her. I have friends who have partners and they can function pretty well without seeing or hearing from their partner for a reasonable amount of time.

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BLOW UP THE POKIES part1

part 1 - Blow up the Pokies

BLOW UP THE POKIES

In America pokies are called slot machines, in Australia they are called poker machines “pokies”. I’ve never been a fan of gambling and one of my least favourite things is pokies. I hate hanging around clubs that have a lot of pokies. I hate casinos and I never wanted to go to Las Vegas.

               When I go out, I like to go out to socialise, chat, catch up, have a laugh, sit in comfortable seats, comfortable warm temperature, listen to music, drink and preferably have a nice view. That’s what socialising is to me.

               I don’t recall when I started disliking pokies; I don’t think my hatred of pokies stems from Sharon and Keith, who plays them all the time. I think I started disliking them when I started going out to nightclubs when I was around 20-years-old. When I go out the last thing I want to do is play pokies or hang around pokies. If I ever did play pokies it would be for about 1 or 2 minutes and I would lose interest and then walk away. After my 21st birthday party I went to Panthers nightclub to go to Reactor 1. Before we went home I decided to put money into a pokie machine and I won a lot of money, beginners luck – I won straight away. I took the money and went home – I have rarely played pokies ever since. I probably can count about 3 times in my life that I’ve played pokies and when I have it was for less than 5 minutes. They just don’t hold my interest long enough and I don’t find them stimulating. I need to be brain dead to be able to play those things.

               I’ve known people who loved playing pokies, perhaps not addicted, but close to it. Claire and Gary would spend all night playing pokies together. I don’t recall Claire enjoying playing pokies before she started going out with Gary, she never seemed to take any interest in them previously. When Claire stopped associating with Autumn and I, people I knew would see Claire and Gary at the RSL club (or Panthers) playing pokies. Claire and Gary would sit separately and wouldn’t talk to each other and always looked gloomy. Playing pokies isn’t something that would make you look happy.

                Keith plays pokies all the time and Sharon would only play if Keith was there playing them. Before Sharon was in a relationship with Keith, she never played pokies, and if she did it was on the very rare occasion. Keith’s friends are all into playing pokies, especially Craig and his partner.

One NYE Gary was playing pokies at Panthers Leagues Club and I remember that night it was packed full of people. He lost his wallet at the pokies section. Fortunately for him, someone handed his wallet in and it still had all his money still in it, he was extremely lucky. It’s nice to know there are still a lot of honest and trustworthy people out there.

               One weekend Claire wanted us to go to the Casino in the city, so Keith, Sharon, Gary, Autumn went. We went to an all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant which was good, that was the only part of the casino I liked. I remember Sharon was attempting to get corn off her corn cob, because she doesn’t eat it straight from the cob. She accidentally flicked the corn cob and the corn cob flew through the air to the other side of the table. That was the highlight of the night for me. We did a little bit of gambling that night but in all honesty I was bored, it wasn’t a fun or entertaining atmosphere. Nobody there looked happy; the atmosphere was unstimulating and dull. I haven’t been to the casino since.

               Claire and Gary play pokies a lot but they generally only do so when they weren’t in a social situation. They wouldn’t play them when they went out with their friends (Autumn and I etc.) which is one of the things that I liked and respected about them. If they were on their own, just the two of them they would sit at the club all night playing, but if they were out with friends they wouldn’t do it and if they did it wouldn’t be for long.

               Keith and Sharon it was a whole different ball game. It didn’t matter if it was my birthday, or whatever event it was. Keith always wanted to go somewhere where there were pokies and it didn’t matter if it was a birthday celebration or NYE, those two would always be sitting playing pokies.

There were times when I had other friends with me so it wasn’t so bad, if I had a friend with me we could just leave them at the pokies and do our own thing. What I didn’t understand, what’s the point of them going out with us to socialise and catch up with us, when they didn’t actually do that at all? Instead they sat at pokies all day/night. This is what annoyed me about making arrangements with Sharon to go out and see her, when she did go out she was usually with Keith (her boyfriend) and Keith just wanted to sit playing pokies all the time and Sharon would always want to be around him. I just felt like I wasted my time just to be sitting at a pokie all night. Sharon would expect us to stand behind her and Keith and talk to them while looking at the back of their heads. It was extremely difficult when I was alone with Sharon and Keith because I would have no choice but to sit with them and watch them play pokies all night. I did bring the subject up to Sharon numerous times and I would let her know that if we catch up, that I didn’t want to be around pokies all night. Sometimes I would just leave early and I would think to myself, it was completely pointless doing my hair, my face, dressing up and spending money going out just to sit and watch them play pokies. Most of the time I just went home early, I would tell Sharon I was going home, and she would whine, “You’re not going home yet are you?” and I was always honest with her, I would say to her, “Well you guys are just going to sit playing pokies all night and I don’t want to sit in front of a pokie all night”, and she would say, “We will just play a few more games, I promise”,  however even if I did stay, a few more games meant a few more hours. I would just sit there and think I wish I was somewhere else, having fun, with friends who wanted to socialise with me and have a good time. Sometimes I would sit there and think I would rather be at home right now reading, writing or watching a movie. When I’m in an uncomfortable or depressing situation I would just start daydreaming or wishing for something else.

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BLACK SHEEP IN THE FAMILY

BLACK SHEEP

                There are black sheep and I’m one of them.

                There’s definitely some kind of class division or a hierarchy where some people think they are better than others. I don’t know what this is based on.

But the truth is that it’s based entirely on who the biggest wankers are in the room.

There are class groups, it’s like being on the Titanic.

There are the narcissist’s who look down on others, then the group in the middle who aren’t in but not out either and then there’s the ones of the bottom, the scum.

                The wankers and bitches seem to think they are better than everyone else and just sit around making snide comments about people, even when someone is right in front of them they will make snobby and bitchy comments about them.

                I tend to be a magnet for bitchy people, I’m way too nice to people and I don’t behave like they do. If someone bitches about me I don’t start World War III and I don’t bitch back. I’m not like them. I don’t want to be like them, I see no reason at all why I would want to be like them, I find them vile. I don’t think they even realise how atrocious they are. I can’t relate to people like them.

They are like those bitchy kids in those American high school movies such as Mean Girls and Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion. That’s exactly what they act like. They are the bitchy reality TV personality. Why would you want to be like one of those bitches on a reality television program? So tacky!

If you watch TV programs like The Bachelor, there are always the nice contestants, the funny contestants, the narrator who calls shit out, and then you get the bitchy nasty ones.

Bitchy people remind me of those girls, the bitchy people on a reality TV program.

                I don’t know why anybody would want to be like that but I guess that’s who they want to be.

                Bitchy people aren’t all female, a lot of them are men who are just as bitchy (or even more bitchy) than the women. They are just as bad as each other and they bounce off each other’s bitchiness.

                I hear and see them bitching. Bitchy people tend to nit-pick, they are the worst kind. They have very little to go on, so they just make assumptions or turn something very small into Ben-Hur! Those people are toxic, because they just like to hate and bitch and if they don’t have anything to bitch about, they will make shit up. What a bunch of assholes!

                The most ironic part about it is that they bitch about someone and then they have the absurd belief that their victim should be going up to them, say hello to them, ask them how they are, care about what is going on in their life and give them a kiss and a hug (or some shit like that).

Victims aren’t fake people, if people spend time bitching about them (which they do), why should they approach them and embrace them. If I don’t like someone I won’t approach them, I will avoid them and won’t have anything to do with them.

                They are toxic and I don’t want to be around toxic.

                I don’t have time for their bitchiness.

                Even if they are bitching about me or someone else, no one says or does anything about it. They are enablers.

                I’ve always had this idolized image of someone who doesn’t put up with bullshit - the outsider. Sometimes you watch a movie or TV program and there’s always that one cool character, like an Aunt or someone who attends a wedding or a funeral even though they haven’t attended any family gathering for 15 years (or some length of time). They attend the family gathering and realise what a shit show their family is and then they leave and you know they’re never going to attend another family gathering again. I love those characters because the black sheep are always the coolest characters in movies.

                I find it extremely hard to relax when I’m an environment with more than one bitchy person. I’m an introvert as well which makes it more difficult for myself to cope in a situation like that and that could be one of the reasons why they find it so easy to target me.

                Years ago one of my cousins (who lives in a suburb near me) said to me, “Remember how as kids we used to play together and we used to get along?” and she then said, “When we grew up it’s like they look down on us now and they are above us”.

                It’s not just the bitches that make me feel uncomfortable but it’s also the flying monkeys and enablers who spend time with the bitches, they hear what the bitchy people are saying (all the bitchiness that is flying out of their mouths) but they don’t stand up for others. They just sit there, listen to it and enable it to persist. The enablers and flying monkeys continue the problem.

                I feel partially the reason why I go to gatherings where I know I’m going to be bitched about (because it happens so often) is that I feel guilty if I don’t go. I’m too busy trying to please others and live out ‘obligations’ even though I’m the one who is getting trodden on in that environment.

                When I do attend it’s an unhappy and uncomfortable experience for me. I don’t want to go somewhere where I am being bitched about and where I’m surrounded by nasty villains. Why would I want to be around people like that? I don’t.

                We’re not in high school anymore.

I’ve never really fitted in anywhere and I feel like I’m okay with that, it’s the bitchiness and nastiness that I don’t like. I’m okay with being an outsider; just don’t hate me for nit-picking reasons. I don’t deserve it. I don’t want to conform to be like them to be accepted by them. I would rather be alone then be one of those bitchy and nasty people. I think that’s why I’m targeted, you have to be bitchy and nasty to be liked and I don’t want to be liked due to that. I would rather be nice and decent and hated as a result.

                I don’t like fakeness, I like nice people but I hate people who smile at you (and pretend to be nice) and then stab you in the back - they are fake. Too many of those people about.

                I tend to gravitate towards black sheep and the underdogs because I relate to them partially. They are the outsiders, and not all black sheep are bad people. Sometimes the majority is worse than the minority. I can’t stand watching people being treated like shit. I don’t care if a shit load of people are hating on one person, I have my own mind, if I don’t believe that person deserves it, I won’t hate them just to fit in. I have my own mind and can think for myself. I’ll make the decision for myself of whether I think that person is cool or not, I’m not going to have my mind manipulated by a narcissist just so they can bring someone down.

                Bullies are narcissistic but I feel they do it because they need to feel better about themselves and want to be better than others. Majority of the people who have bullied myself and others have been insecure and their insecurities is obvious.

                I don’t believe in revenge or to be a bitch back to people because that’s not who I am as a person. My revenge is letting people do what they want to do because that’s where the truth is.

                The truth is my revenge.

                If people feel the need to cut people down then it reveals who they are.

               I’ve been dealt with a bad hand when it comes to the people within my life but I’m confident enough not to be like them. I call people out on their bullshit but I’m not going to go down to their level, I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want to put people down for lame reasons, I don’t nit-pick everything someone says or does, or what they look like - I’m not going to do that.

                If you want to make the world a better place you have to start with your own behavior.

                Some people are cool but there are also a lot of dicks and you usually get that with any group of people. I just don’t like all the put downs. When I’m around them I feel uncomfortable and become withdrawn. I don’t want to approach them because they are nasty and so I just keep a distance from them. I don’t want revenge or to be a bitch towards them, I just don’t want to be around them.

                I just don’t like all the fakeness, the fake smiles and the fake ‘hellos’, fake people who smile and say hello and then stab you in the back. I’ve been around people like that for far too long and I’m getting to the point where I’ve decided to cut all the toxic energy out of my life. I can’t be happy or improve my life when I’ve got toxic individuals who go out of their way to bring me down consistently. They bitch about me when I’m there in earshot but won’t say anything to me directly; of course, they usually do it when other people around them, other people who are bitchy like them.

Their bitchiness is obvious but everyone who is around them is cool with it, it’s a fucked up situation.     Like many others who have bullied me in the past they bully me because they see me as an easy target because I got no one on my side and no one to stand up for me. This shit has been happening for years and yet they do it around other people and other people hear them and no one says or does anything to prevent it from happening, the witnesses sit there and enable it and then others will join in. It’s easy to abuse people when there are no repercussions. They know they can get away with it and they keep doing it because they get away with it. I have no support.

                People who have support from family and friends are extremely fortunate. Not everybody has that.

                I’m also single, but I feel like this also puts a target on my back. It’s not the reason why they bully me but it enables them to bully me. If I had a partner would they continue bullying me? I feel like if I had someone by my side that supported me and stood up for me, there would be less bullying. When I stand up for myself, it just gives them more venom to bully me some more. It doesn’t stop the bullying, it just makes it increase. I’ve stood up for myself all my life and it doesn’t stop bullying or abuse, they only thing that can stop it is me walking away from it which is what I do. Nothing I say or do will stop them bitching about me. I just have to remove myself from that environment and that’s all I can do.

                People don’t like people who are ‘different’, I’m different and I’m okay with that but other people aren’t accepting of that. I’m not married, I’m single, I don’t have children, sometimes I’m working and sometimes I’m not, I’m not an extrovert, I’m not a bitch, I don’t have money, I’m poor, I don’t have a support network, and I’m not fake.

                This makes me a target for shitty people.

                There’s definitely a class-division and prejudice, when society talks openly about prejudice they often refer to sexism, homophobia, race, but it’s not always about that, sometimes prejudice can come down to the way someone looks, what colour hair they have, someone’s income, their social standing, what they are wearing, relationship status and that sort of thing. Prejudice comes in many forms. 

                I’m not going to go over to them and behave fake, and be nice to them and try to win them over, because they aren’t worth it. I can’t even approach them or open up to them because I know whatever I say and do will be used against me in the court of the NU club (Narcissists United).

                I avoid nasty people because I don’t have time for that shit. I want to spend my time doing things that make me happy and what I enjoy. I don’t want to waste another second of my life around people like that. I’m not going to damage myself like that. I have a choice and I’m going to make the best decisions for myself. They already hate me so it’s not going to make a difference. I feel anxious and depressed when I’m around them and I’m used to not having anybody with me to support me. Just because I’m alone, it doesn’t mean what they are doing is right.

                There are narcissists and there are the flying monkeys and there is me just putting up with a lot of shit that I didn’t deserve just so someone can have something to bitch about. I feel like they are using me as a target to amuse themselves because they are small-minded fucks. I’m not into trashy people, and their behaviour is trashy, they talk trash about and it’s trashy, their behaviour is trashy, they are trash.

                I have to protect myself. I will no longer associate with people who put me down or those who are accepting of those who have put me down. If I ever bring the subject up, there is silence, there is gaslighting. If they want to remain on friendly terms with the bullies that is them, if they are okay with the bullies behaviour towards me, that is on them.

                I’d rather have no friends or family then associate with people who are shitty people. 

[pandorasbox2025]

BILL COLLINS

BILL COLLINS

2019

It was sad to hear about Bill Collins's death. We used to watch him on TV when we were kids when we were at Dad’s. I remember watching Towering Inferno and Poseidon Adventure. During the intermission, we were allowed to have ice cream.

[pandorasbox2025]

THE BIGGEST LOSER

THE BIGGEST LOSER

March 2013

I was watching The Biggest Loser last night and Mum walked into my bedroom and looked to see what I was watching on television when she realized I was watching The Biggest Loser she screwed up her nose. Michelle (the trainer) asked this 22-year-old female contestant what she wanted more than anything and the girl started crying, “ALL I WANT IS A BABY. THAT IS ALL I WANT” and mum said, “THAT’S ALL YOU FAT THINGS EVER WANT”.

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BEING SCREAMED AT

BEING SCREAMED AT ALL THE TIME

BEING SCREAMED AT ALL THE TIME

2013

It's hard living in a house when you, our dog, and my cat are getting screamed at and verbally abused. I don’t like it.

#abuse

#verbal abuse

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BASHED

BASHED

My mum’s boyfriend Thomas, who is the man that did disturbing things to me, was bashed recently. When my mum visited me she told this to my uncle. I of course don’t have anything to do with him and have no interest in him at all. My mum enabled him to do what he was doing to me and lied to protect him; well I am still in contact with her. I’m still upset about what she did to me and I don’t think I will ever get over it. I will never get over it; it will stay with me for the rest of my life. It was one of the most difficult experiences I’ve had to deal with.

                After he was released from the hospital my Mum told my uncle that her boyfriend had been walking down the street and allegedly these men stopped their car and got out and bashed him, for no particular reason.

                He went to the hospital and mum said he was in there for weeks and now he is out of the hospital and is okay and completely normal again.

                My mum’s recollection of the story is unusual. My mum has a history of turning the truth around, she likes to add stuff that wasn’t there, she exaggerates sometimes - so I’m not sure what to believe. If you tell her something and she repeats it to someone else, she will stuff up and exaggerate and add stuff that wasn’t there before and will change a lot of details. So when you hear her talking about something you have to be like a detective. I don’t know whether she does it on purpose or because she doesn’t listen properly or because she likes to talk a lot and wants people listening to her longer. When my mum says something, she changes a lot of the story each time she says something and she’s been doing that for as long as I remember, so it’s complicated. If someone tells her something, she will change it rapidly and I find myself questioning things a lot when she says something because her stories change all the time and it’s never consistent.  If someone’s not sure about something, don’t make stuff up - just say you don’t know. If you’re not sure if it’s true or not, say, ‘I don’t know if it’s true or not'. If someone has said something, say that ‘this person said…’.

                Mum said that two men bashed her boyfriend, but a week later she then said that there was only one man who was in the car and bashed him (and there was only one man involved in the incident). She told us this was weeks after he was released from the hospital and when he was ‘normal’ again. What she says is so obscure and now she is saying there was only one man, so what happened to the second man she told us about a week before? Who knows? Her details of this story have changed in a matter of days. Mum said the perpetrator was an islander, a Maori man and she said he was most likely on drugs. Mum said that Thomas was walking past a druggy place; she said it is a location where druggies go to shoot up, which doesn’t sound like the safest place to walk near. I don’t know why he was walking there in the first place and she didn’t give that information (I wasn’t asking questions). Mum said it was just some random attack by a drug addict and there was no motive.

                Mum said the incident was reported to the police straight away and that her boyfriend remembered everything clearly after it happened. Mum said they got the incident and the car and the guy on tape (CCTV?). Mum said that the druggy who bashed her boyfriend was a Parramatta NRL player. She said he lives in the same place where all the NRL players live (I didn’t think NRL players all lived in the same place?). If it was an NRL player (even if it was a lower grade player) it would have been on the news, wouldn’t it? My mum hates the Parramatta Eels.

Mum said that it took the police months to catch this guy and arrest him. She said that they caught him four months later. Mum said they are going to court and that it won’t take place until a year or later.

I didn’t ask any questions about him or what else. When mum talks about it to my uncle I hear, I am in their presence so I hear about it. I heard everything she said each time, I’m a good listener and so is my uncle.

                My main concern is why he was walking in that area and I’m worried that he was walking my mother’s dog at the time of the incident. I don’t want him being walked in an area where there’s a crime that puts the dog in danger. If they know it’s a dangerous area, you don’t walk there and you certainly don’t walk a dog there. I said to mum that she shouldn’t walk anywhere where people are shooting up and she said to me that she doesn’t walk near there. I don’t understand why her boyfriend was walking in that area at the time and I know he doesn’t do drugs (that I’m aware of). I’m worried about my mum’s dog. I care about him all the time and always worry about him.

The man (or men ?) who bashed Thomas didn’t steal from him.

                I told Judy about it on Thursday night and she threw her head back and laughed, and said, “I bet you would have loved hearing that” and she laughed. She said, “I know you hate him but I know you’re not into that sort of thing [violence]”.

                I told Juliette about it and she told me that she knew this guy who was murdered in Parramatta just near the train station and he was murdered by a complete stranger. She said the man who killed him wanted to join a gang and to get into this gang he had to prove himself by killing someone and she said he killed someone just to be accepted into the gang.

                People are weird and I just don’t understand them. When he was doing all those things to me and it was getting worse, I just didn’t want anything to do with him anymore and because I’m an adult I was able to do that (get away from him). That’s how I deal with toxic people, if they hurt me or do something bad to me then I dissociate from them. I don’t want any toxic people in my life hurt me. People always hurt me, I don’t know why, but I don’t want it to happen so I try to avoid it happening again and again (like they usually do) which is why I prefer to keep trouble makers at a distance. I won’t remain silent about what they have done just to protect them. I’ll tell my friends and family if they care that is (most don’t). The bad people I’ve had in my life all want me to remain silent and not tell anyone and even when I do they just deny it and do some stupid spin story. They just want me to remain quiet to get away with the shit that they have done to me, they don’t care about my feelings; they just care about themselves. I don’t have a voice and don’t have anybody to listen or care about me which is why I write and that’s the only way I can help myself.

My uncle just sat and listened to my mum talking like he usually does. My uncle is like me, we are both listeners. You learn more as an observer and listener.

                It still upsets me what my mother did to me, the ultimate betrayal from my own mother. I just want him away from me and that’s what matters to me. I won’t be inquiring about him at all or what happened to him.

#parramatta

#parramatta train station

#parramatta railway

#parramatta eels

[pandorasbox2025]

BREAKFAST at dad's

Diary-Youth

BREAKFAST

Chrissy hates breakfast times, she said it's not as fun as night times. She said everybody just gotten up and they’re all grumpy. Julia likes breakfast times because she can see the rosellas in the trees outside, she said it's nice nature. Autumn hates breakfast times and she is the last person at the table because she can’t wait to go down the shop and talk to the shopkeeper she likes him. Warren likes eating rice bubbles with no milk and just sugar. Dad is a happy old jolly man with his glasses on he always can’t see us in the morning. Donna puffs everywhere, she smokes her smokes and puffs everywhere.

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the BEACH

Diary- Youth

THE BEACH

Chrissy likes the beach, she likes all the guys with big muscles. She likes the water running in between her toes.

I like the waves but not when they brake on me and I get dunked under water.

Autumn doesn't like to get her sore toe in the water. She doesn't like the blue bottles. Once she got stung by a bluebottle and she said she had to pour a melted icecream on her foot.

Donna likes sunbaking she bakes until shes red roar. She likes doing aerobics on the beach with us three girls. She brings her portable radio to listen to when she's lying there.

Dad doesn't like the sun so he sunbakes in the car.

Warren can be ruff sometimes, he hurts us girls, he gives us indian burns.

Samuels doing a handstand under the water again. He will stay under the water for hours and hours He goes underwater and pretends to be jaws. He swims under the water towards us girls and grabs our legs and tries to get us. Samuels a water baby he loves the water.

Autumn likes the guy with pink zinc on his nose and screamed out to him, "HEY YOU WITH THE PINK FUCKING NOSE"

[pandorasbox2025]

BURNT FENCE Kingswood

Diary - Youth 

Kingswood

BURNT FENCE

One day after lunch three girls were bored and Dad, Donna, and the two boys were watching football on the TV. Donna was smoking her cigarettes and screamed, 'UP MANLY'.

We girls didn't want to watch the football, so Dad told us to stop sulking and go outside to find something to do.

Autumn was the first one out of us girls to walk out of our front door, someone grabbed her and she screamed, 'AHHHH' in her loudest voice. It was one of the boys from the gang that grabbed her. They were waiting for us outside the front door. Us girls panicked and Chrissy screamed out to Dad, 'DAD, DAD, SOMEONE'S GRABBED AUTUMN AND WANTS TO TAKE HER AWAY.'

Dad came to the front door and blew the boy's heads off and they left and we went back inside the unit. The boys ran down the stairs and disappeared.

The next morning Donna told us kids that the back fence was burnt down. We all thought it could have been the gang of boys who did it.

#kingswood #manlyseaeagles

[pandorasbox2025]

BABY LAMB My Dream Blog

THE BABY LAMB

My dream blog

I had a dream last night that we were going to see our aunt’s dads farm. It was made into a tourist site and the farm was extremely classy and nice, even the barns looked fit enough for royalty. It all looked nice and we walked towards this eatery part and there was a lot of meat on the menu, and it was written that all the meat came from the farm. Lots of tourists were buying the food products on the menu but I didn’t eat anything.

We walked into this barn area where there were all these cows lined up, very much like they are at the Sydney Royal Easter Show, one next to each other with metal fences inbetween each cow. But intead of their bums facing us, their faces were facing us.

We (my mother and I) walked away for a minute and when we returned (because there was only one exit way), the cows were all dead and lying on the ground, just their bodies, and their heads had been removed (most likely cut off when they were still alive) and their heads were missing.

My aunt’s father explained that it is good for people to see where their food is coming from and how it’s done. I was extremely distraught and we were both trying to work out how we are going to get out of this barn without having to walk through the blood and having to walk past all the deceased cow bodies.

I thought it was cruel but my mother thought it was a good idea. There was a man who worked there who beheaded the animals, he said he is proud of his job and had been working there for years. The other tourists weren’t too bothered by it and were calm like they had seen it all before.

I wanted to leave so we did, on the way out I saw a baby lamb in the middle of a roundabout on the road. It had a pink ribbon around its neck, but instead of it being wrapped in a bow, the bow was hanging down all messy. The lamb looked like it was stunned and it didn’t show fear or any reaction at all. I knew if I left it there it would die just like the cows. So I took the lamb and had it on my lap and I told it that I won’t let anyone hurt it and it was safe with me.

[pandorasbox2025]

2004

The internet at work is down so I’m going to write a short biography of myself.

This is my life.

I was born in Blacktown Hospital and I have a mother, father, brother, and sister. When I was a baby I enjoyed eating vegemite on toast and I was told I gurgled a lot.

I’ve always had cats as pets, my first cat was named Jason who was cute, and Siamese and used to jump up and steal my toast because he also liked eating vegemite on toast.

We were living in a different suburb for a short time and I attended my first year of school there but I only remained for a quarter of the year because we moved and then I went to a different public school in South Penrith.

My school uniform was blue and every season all the kids would collect different things, once it was football cards, marbles, yo-yos’s and people would swap them with other kids. I remember we all had silkworms as pets.

When I was a child I liked Strawberry Shortcake dolls as well as having a Cabbage Patch Doll.

After primary, I attended High School which I disliked. Our uniform was maroon and pink but I rarely wore it. I wore it on mufti day because I didn’t have the money to pay to dress in casual clothing I never asked Mum for the money because I just didn’t care.

My friends and I spent most of recess and lunchtime in the out-of-bounds area and we would sometimes get detention if we got caught.

I didn’t like sport and during sport, we had to wear a pleated skirt with bloomers underneath. My sister was at our school when I was in Year 7 but she left and went to a high school in Mount Druitt.

Our year had more students than previous years which is why we had demountable classrooms. The principal told us kids that the demountable classrooms we used were only for the short term but they were there for the entire time I was at school. The subjects I liked in high school were art and history.

My sister and I used to share a bedroom which we both disliked but thankfully my brother moved out of his bedroom and my sister and I were able to have our own bedrooms.

When I was a teenager I never went to the discos that the school held and that is probably because I didn’t want to be stuck in the same room with a bunch of people who made my school experience a living hell. I didn’t start going out to nightclubs as an adult until I was aged 20 and that is when me and my friends started going out more. The nightclubs we went to in our early 20s were good but I don’t think there are any good local bars for young people to go to now. I just remember we loved dance music, techno music which became popular during the 1990s and we still like it today.