pandythoughts - Tumblr blog

[pandythoughts]

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”

— Robin Williams

[pandythoughts]

[pandythoughts]

[pandythoughts]

i'm really fucking proud of staying strong on my sobriety. i slowly feel like im getting further away from the life that held me so far back from what i need. or deserve. its also making me really happy that a lot of my friends are on board. some of them are taking a sober break, and i know a couple who are trying to make it all year. i'm rooting them on every day. for me, im taking it day by day. i've been slightly terrified of recovering from addiction. one of my biggest fears is relapsing and then completely giving up on being sober. i know i can't keep that mindset. i know i need to remind myself that if i do relapse, then thats just the process of recovery and to still go strong even though you slipped. regardless though, right now, i'm happy with how i've been feeling. as a cancer, i was feeling some things super heavily about a month before 2023 ended. now its 2024 and i know this is my year. if i slip up, it's still my year, if i go all year with no alcohol or drugs, its still my year. its my mother fucking year and i'm claiming that. i need to let go of fear, i need to be my own best fucking friend, and i need to grind hard because i spent the last 2 years in active addiction and all it did was get me a dui, put me in jail, in fights at the bar. i quit 2 jobs knowing damn well i had no back up plan. i cant do that same shit this year. i want to see how much potential i have, and what i can do in a year. completely clear headed and sober. <3

[pandythoughts]

ok well im going to build a good future for myself whether i like it or not

[pandythoughts]

[pandythoughts]

[pandythoughts]

my relationship with addiction is a rollercoaster that I can't wait to get off of

the worst part about self-destruction is how intimate that relationship with yourself becomes. you become so bonded with your addiction and illness that leaving it behind feels so unfamiliar. you feel lost without that part of you. without that connection to yourself. although, that connection isn't true love. its manipulative, evil, and sucks the life out of you. it's one of the most narcissistic relationships you'll ever experience and what really sucks about it, is that it's with yourself. growing and healing from that relationship with yourself will be one of the most unbearable yet gratifying feelings you will endure on this journey of finding the true love and respect you have for yourself. some days you'll sit pondering the idea of "just one drink won't hurt me." which wouldn't hurt, but you're the kind of person who's an addict, so unfortunately, it will hurt. it will end up hurting you more than you can even anticipate in that moment because that part of you, that you think loves you so deeply, is manipulating you into ruining you, because that part of you feels like you deserve nothing better. that part of you wants to force you to believe that you are so unworthy of truly loving yourself for who you really are. that part of you wants you to think that without substance, you're not funny, you're not clever, beautiful, cool, intelligent, and that part of you will hold such a tight grip on you that you'll actually start to believe it. then there you are. a half gallon of vodka, 2 grams of cocaine, and three days later, feeling like the scum of the earth because eventually you have to snap back to reality. that part of you that you thinks loves you so much, will leave for a while. leave you to deal with the shame, guilt, and pain. all alone. then finally when you've sat there with all the horrible feelings and thoughts you've been dealing with, that really make you want to leave behind the life you think is so fun and cool, that part of you that you think loves you so much, comes back and convinces you that this is as good as it will ever get. the vicious cycle continues, and you keep getting further away from what you deserve. when I tell you that addiction is the most toxic relationship to ever exist, I'm not fucking kidding. I really envy the people who never have gone through this. its excruciating, exhausting, just all-around fucking depressing and takes so much fucking strength to let go of that version of their self. so much god damn will power.

you're ruining your actual meaningful relationships in life. you find yourself fighting with your boyfriend because respectfully he doesn't want a girlfriend who's an addict. so, you tell him you'll stop because you don't want to lose him. you love him and can't imagine being without him, but that super narcissistic relationship with yourself is by far more intimate, well, at least that's what it has convinced you. now you find yourself hiding the truth from him. you're partying several times a week and getting so much more intimate with the shittiest version of yourself. on the verge of losing the relationship with the person who truly loves, respects, and wants the best for you. how fucking tragic right? that's how truly brutal addiction is. after telling my boyfriend I'd stop over and over again, he told me that he felt like i was cheating on him with drugs and alcohol. i absolutely was. the idea of getting fucked up always sounded way cooler than staying in on a Friday night watching movies with him. don't get me wrong, I love him, but just not as much as i love the self-sabotaging side of myself. this side of me is chaotic, impulsive, careless, and free. this side comes and goes though. this part of myself ups and leaves when the party's over. one person who never leaves no matter what, is him. even when I'm giving all my attention to the side of me that doesn't even serve me. so why do I choose this fucked up relationship that i have with the shittiest version of myself? because that's how twisted addiction is. I've been an addict for 14 years. I've been in this horrific relationship with addiction for 14 fucking years and all its done is gotten shittier.

I'm exhausted. it's a roller coaster ride. the emotions i experience as an addict have ripped me to shreds. chewed me up and spit me out. grabbed me by my hair and threw me against a wall. the most abusive and evil relationship I'll ever know. I'm so ready to let go and never look back. finding the strength will be the hardest part. I'm so wrapped around the fingers of the addict side of me, but you eventually have to be so fed up with your own bullshit and you have to let it go. I've been clean for nearly a week now. with the new year approaching I'm not exactly confident I can hold on to my sobriety, but I'm confident that this new year I'll be able to break it off. I'll build a new relationship with the version of myself that has so much unconditional love and respect for me. so much self-work is in the future and I believe in my potential.