paperbagnotes

[paperbagnotes]

Maybe someone some day will love my chunky cheeks

Because I certainly don’t :(

[paperbagnotes]

Literally I feel incredible when I’m eating healthy food and making responsible decisions for the right reasons about my finances

[paperbagnotes]

Im going to start to be my own best friend

I mean I think I’m actually really rad

And then it’s okay when I hold grudges about stuff because it’s against me

I don’t hold anything against anybody

But I want to hold myself to higher standards

What I do might never be rare

But I know I am

It’s me

[paperbagnotes]

If I am FILTHY rich

I think I really would just keep learning

Taking classes

And feeding my body really well

Making healthy meals for my partner

If I have one

if I end up alone just for myself would be enough

You can really taste quality of food now adays

[paperbagnotes]

Sometimes I miss Alaska just because of how amazing seafood is

[paperbagnotes]

Omg I hate my job

I really need to kick into high gear

I can remain calm always

But I need to get into a different financial gain

I really dread being in this current industry

I need to jump out entirely

But into something that will post me even more I would never allow myself to have kids “poor” no way with out without them

I’m going to be financially secure one way or another

And it won’t be from doing this for much longer, I’ll just try to sell out completely

And then disappear into a productionist mentality

[paperbagnotes]

All I’ve done is wait

I need to slow down time completely

Move swifter more surely

Because I’m already 30

And my life has felt like it’s sped past me

Everything I do seems to go so slow

Except the speed of my voice

Every action has been me giving up

Not choosing myself

Believing someone will save me

I love myself, I can create a way out of this box if my love doesn’t love me

I have hands and feet

Without tools I’d dance until it all broke around me

I’d scream, or learn to laugh

I’d rip my heart out and smear it all over everything

I need to sacrifice all beliefs

I need to believe in me

I always set myself free

If he’s not coming around

Ill find a way out

[paperbagnotes]

If I like it is all that matters

But people need to see, I want to be healing

If people like my art enough to spend time or money on it

I’ll feel validation - as who does on stage

If people resonate with my words enough they’ll get my book I’ll start publishing

I won’t include any of the too personal poetry

I’ll release themes

Maybe my goal of how I’m going to get where I want doesn’t have to be what I ever thought

Maybe I can create a new dream

Maybe this is really me

[paperbagnotes]

I’m not a collector to keep of hearts or people

It doesn’t bring me enjoyment to play like that

I want you to share your heart with me

But unless you are my person

I wouldn’t give mine to you

I still hope my light is seen & shared in

[paperbagnotes]

My mind feels like a prison

[paperbagnotes]

Why do I know

I need him like I need oxygen

This weight on my chest

From seeing him want someone else

I want to make him that happy only

I don’t care if it’s selfish

I want it to be me

[paperbagnotes]

I feel so sad again like I’m going to cry or throw up

I dreamt last night he was avoiding me

And wanted to see and kiss others

The pain feels like a metric ton

Weighing on my chest

[paperbagnotes]

I wanna put my hand on his knee while he’s driving

[paperbagnotes]

Maken is a really cute baby name

[paperbagnotes]

I will be your snow

Please love me so

I’m your bunny bee

Please believe me honey

[paperbagnotes]

I’ve been an art teacher.

If I fail at being an artist as I dream to be

I’ll have enough credibility being old having tried

So I guess I won’t have to worry about retirement

I could move to a small town with big windows overlooking a garden

I bet I’ll appreciate kids more when I’m older

I don’t need to “make it” I just need to create

[paperbagnotes]

I’m not just going to paint some fucking pears

I need to make someone feel something