papermacheumbrellas - Tumblr blog

[papermacheumbrellas]

feels strange yet kind of warming to return to tumblr after so many years gone. I don’t remember my old account but I like that I have to start anew, I think. my life is in a spiral, in the sense that I am oscillating between highs and lows, in the sense that I feel as if I’m falling through air without certainty of where or when I’ll hit the ground. I’ve tried, recently, to get a hold of some thing akin to connection but it’s like grasping at clouds as I plummet down— they do not provide enough substance to hang on to. instead of an orchestra, I found myself staying in the theater for synthesized electronic imitations of what instruments are meant to sound like. Instead of melody, I tried to convince myself that there was something to be found in the complete disarray of noise, the cacophony. before someone touches me, they should have to tell me if they care about my feelings more than my body. I have never asked them, directly, for empathy because I have always been sure that they would fall short. and I have always feared being alone more than I have feared what shape I’ll remain in if I keep up the contortionist act. maybe, if I act perfectly, they will decide that they love me. this is not how any of it works, this is never a wise decision. I go back to these men like an addict goes back to the drug. I find myself in a cycle of highs and lows that turn into relapse.