parksprout - Tumblr blog

parksprout · 6 months ago

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12/22/24

Hey Tumblr. I hope everyone is having a really good holiday season <3 whatever you're celebrating, or if you don't celebrate, I hope that you're at least enjoying your breaks from school and work :) me? I'm doing okay these days, not the best but also not particularly bad either.

I haven't been having nightmares the past few days, so that's something to celebrate! I've recently rearranged my room, started burning incense before sleep, washed all of my sheets with the best smelling detergent I've ever used and gotten used to going to bed without passing out on my phone. I've been choosing when to sleep, which is very nice.

I have a few things I wanna talk about tonight, some of which are a little more on the depressive side, some of them are proud moments and all of them are reflective. Let's start with the depressive first and we can work through the happiness a bit more after that, though I think that each will be tinged with bits and pieces of the other.

Let's talk about the holidays first. This isn't a part of the year I'm typically very grateful for. I don't come from a very financially well off family, nor one that was particularly fond of holiday traditions, so this time of the year I have always defaulted to an honest form of jealousy. I'm pretty forthright about the fact that I envy other families who are close, who have a Christmas tree in the parlor and gifts under it's needles. I envy having people to buy presents for, and the money to buy gifts or the time to make them. I'm not angry about that jealousy, but I am slightly hurt by it every year when it comes to this time again and here I am still alone while others celebrate. I don't consider myself bitter about it at least, in fact I kinda use it as a bit of an aspiration for myself.

That brings me to the next thing I wanna talk about actually; this is the first holiday in a few years I'm not going to be with the person I love. Me and Aaron haven't gotten to spend an actual holiday season together together in person before, so it's not like... we're going from something jovial and festive to nothing at all, but it's still a loss. I remember waking up on Christmas morning before and sending them selfies, voice messages, telling them that I know neither of us celebrate this holiday in any severe way but that I'm glad to spend it with them. This year was actually supposed to be the first big one for us, they finally agreed to let me get them a present back in August and.. I spent at least a little bit of time every day between then and the breakup thinking of little things to include in the gift to make it special, to make it about us, to give them the first taste of what I want to give them in life and the joy we could share. Then the breakup happened and I wasn't sure if we'd even get that ever but... now that we're talking every day again I've long since decided to still send them this present, even if it hurts me quite a bit to know that it won't be received with the love and excitement I wanted originally. I've still added a lot of love to this present, though. It's got a lot of parts to it, most of them are surprises and ... none of them are particularly grand besides the pieces they already know about, but they are still so important to me. Right now while I write this my heart is aching for them, it's both a physical and emotional sensation. My chest is tight and aching ever so slightly while my eyebrows knit together and my teeth grind, I'm fiddling with my lip piercing in my mouth and chewing on my cheeks thinking about everything. Emotionally I'm feeling fragile right now, I'm feeling especially vulnerable these recent days and... pent up in a lot of ways. But I also know that they don't really get to celebrate Christmas in the big way that a lot of people do either, so I'm excited to give them a little taste of it even if I'm not there to celebrate with them :) I'm gonna wrap all of their presents and I hope they have so much fun opening them even if half of it won't be a surprise at all. There's a big part of me that's hoping that they will still see a lot of what we could be shine through this gift, that they'll understand the love I have and the effort I'm willing to go through even in times of pain, that I'd give them the world if they needed it. I don't think that's ever been in question, though. That's one of those parts of the relationship I know they never doubted was my effort. Ough... I also, gosh. I wish that... with New Years coming up? I wish that we were both thinking about kissing each other as this year turns over to the next. You can never know for certain, so maybe I can hold out hope that in the next week or so they decide it's my face they'd want to hold while the earth completes it's trek back to where it started. Now I'm really pining delusional, but at least I can acknowledge that it's probably not gonna happen so fast now.

I've asked them several things recently to gauge their comfort, but sometimes I still get afraid that I'm far too much. They said it's okay that I send them posts, that I post about them, that I talk about them on my instagram story, that I talk to our mutual friend about us, that I yearn and long so publicly... but I wonder sometimes if I'm hurting them when I do this. If they secretly detest that I love them still, that my forthrightness about my own emotions might come off as frightening. It's funny, but one of their oldest friends is one of my biggest supporters these days asdkjhlfasdkjf. I show them messages sometimes before I send them to ask if they think I'm being too much, I ask them for advice, we share our own thoughts and hopes. They're sometimes more hopeful about me n' Aaron working out than I am akshjldfasdf but they also remind me to stay cautious and patient too. I've tried to refrain from adding anything new to me and Aaron's routines lately. I have such an incredible itch to flirt more heavily, to send them messages telling them how deeply I love their creativity, how much they make me laugh, how gorgeous they are and so much more but... I refrain and keep it kinda lighthearted. I tell them I love them every day still because I do, and... because a part of me believes that every human being deserves to be told they're loved at least once a day. I don't know if anyone else feels that way, or if I'm just projecting my own wish that somebody would say they love me every day, but I've felt this for a long long time. I do love Aaron, in every way from how I love another human being I've never met simply for the beauty intrinsic to their humanity all the way to the deep intimacy I could only feel towards someone I've shared this much with. I also like to tell Aaron I'm proud of him at every chance I get, that he's doing the right thing, that it's okay that he's taking his time figuring out life not only in terms of our relationship but also with his future in every other facet. Haha I think in a lot of ways these journals end up being my outlet for all of the raw affection I can't give to Aaron anymore. I would always stop if they ask me, but for now I'm glad that they're okay with me writing about us in all of the places I do - from here, to my instagram stories, to messages between friends, to when I say those three little words that mean so much in our own conversations. Their comfort really does mean the world to me, so I genuinely hope I'm never violating it. I don't think that anything has really changed about us in the past month since our last serious conversation, but it's still important to ask that so here soon I'm planning to talk to Aaron and see if they're continuing to see me grow in a positive way, and ask whether their opinions on our feasibility have changed. If they haven't? That's okay!! I'll keep treating them with the love and kindness that they deserve :) I'm okay carrying on like this for a while I think, each day it becomes easier to show them the love that I feel while knowing that they aren't yet (if ever) at the point that they want to show it back. Maybe someday in months or years they'll feel it back... on that day I'll be happy, but not for the first time since I lost them. I smile every single day with or without their love, I just hope to smile brightly together someday.

Speaking of friends, I have two things to say! One, I am absolutely so grateful for the people I have around me who have continued to support me through this breakup. I've been shocked at the absolute outpouring of support from them. Almost everyone I've told about my situation believes that hey, I'm doin' the right thing. Maybe not always in the right ways as I've been told, but that as long as I'm respecting Aaron's boundaries while trying to show him who I am and what we could be, that it's an alright thing. Second, oh my gosh I am finally getting details about my next trip to Europe!! We're probably going to shoot for July for the combination of me being out of school, my friend Gabe being able to request leave during that time and Sammy being as free as always. The plan is still being worked out fully but it's looking like 10 days with at least 2 of them being dedicated to traveling abroad while abroad! Specifically we're thinking of traveling to Amsterdam or Zurich, either of which would be fantastic. I love that... I actually get to experience this sort of life. I'm the only person in my family to travel so young, the only person to fully support themselves like I have and be able to afford this kinda vacation. I'm beyond proud.

That is a good segue into the more positive stuff I wanted to talk about actually :) most of which is... hey, Park? You have a lot to be proud of this year, even if it's not ending how you've wanted it to end.

Let's really think about this for a second, alright? There's over a dozen accomplishments (maybe not, I like to exaggerate) that I've had this year that really deserve celebration!

I visited Germany for the first time, already getting the breadth of knowledge that leaving your home country offers is fabulous y'know??

I got my drivers license

AND I GOT MY CAR!

I continued a relationship into it's third year, making it my second longest ever and the longest I've ever dated someone with no fights or without getting cheated on. It may have ended, but it was the best relationship I've ever had

Got my credit score about 730 YEAAAA BABEEYYYY

Lost 35 lbs over the course of the year

Finished my Spring semester with honors and a GPA still at 4.0 as I left community college

Got accepted to and started at the University of my dreams

Got a promotion at work officially

Wrote a 22 page long creative writing piece (MY LONGEST EVER)

Made new friends and reconnected with old ones

Passed all of my classes at University with a B or higher EVEN DESPITE THE HORRIBLE MENTAL STATE IVE BEEN IN!!!!

Honestly? Just... continued living despite it all. I've survived so much hardship this year and done nothing but become a better person through it.

Let's really talk about that final point for a second... I've been through so much, yet despite it all here I am? I'm a significantly better person in every single aspect of my life than I was one year, two years, five years or ten years ago. I'm thriving and fighting, I'm working my ass off despite everything that would've previously kept me back. Listen... I know I talk a lot about depression, angst, longing and difficulties during these journals, but these are designed to be a purge of bad emotions. For 95% of any given day I am incredibly happy and working harder than I ever have been before. I hope that... if people read these, they don't judge me too harshly for the weakness I show here. I think I'll end this journal here :) I think you can tell that I'm doing better these days from the way I write alone. Goodnight Tumblr <3 if this is my last entry before Christmas, then merry Christmas to those who celebrate it and happy holidays to anyone else out there who might be celebrating literally any holiday or personal festivity at this time!!!

I can honestly say that I'll be going into 2025 loving myself, this life, the people I have in it, my future and my past more than I ever have.

I love you all so much, goodnight Tumbie <33

#sproutposting #bnuuyposting #sproutjournals #journaling #journal #12/22/24

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parksprout · 6 months ago

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🚨 We Need Your Kindness to Survive 🚨

Hello, My name is Mosab Elderawi, and I live in Gaza with my family. Life here has become harder than I ever imagined, and I’m writing this with hope in my heart that you might hear our story.

The ongoing war has devastated my family. We’ve lost 25 family members—each one a beloved part of our lives, taken too soon. I miss them deeply—their laughter, their presence, their love. Every day is a reminder of this unimaginable loss.

64.media.tumblr.com

We are now facing daily challenges to survive—things that most people take for granted, like food, clean water, and a safe place to sleep. The harsh realities of life here have replaced our dreams with the constant fight for survival.

Our Current Situation:

💔 Lost Stability: The war has left us without work or a stable source of income. 🍞 Basic Needs: Food and water are becoming harder to afford with rising prices and scarce resources. 📚 Dreams on Hold: Like so many here, my family’s dreams have been replaced by the need to simply survive. 😢 Unimaginable Loss: Losing 25 loved ones has left a void that can never be filled.

How You Can Help:

I’m sharing our story with the hope that someone out there might care. Even $5 can make a big difference for us, and if you’re unable to donate, just reblogging this post can help spread the word.

Your kindness, no matter how small, is something we’ll never forget.

What This Means to Us:

Your support is not about changing our entire situation—it’s about giving us a little relief, a little hope, and a way to keep going. We are not asking for much, and we understand if you can’t donate. Sharing our story is just as valuable to us as a donation.

Thank you for reading this far. It means the world to us to know that someone is listening. Your kindness gives us strength and helps us believe in a better tomorrow.

With all our gratitude, Mosab Elderawi and Family ❤️

✅️ Vetted by ✅️

@gazavetters, my number verified on the list is ( #309 )✅️

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parksprout · 6 months ago

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Roasted chicken, ginger, daikon, shiitake mushroom soup with lime, cilantro, broccoli sprouts, and rice noodles

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parksprout · 6 months ago

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III in Eden

Hi guys!

So I wasn't planing on drawing this...but it kinda happend so here we go! A proper Eden piece for III. I might try and draw another one at some point but who knows. I hope you guys like it...because I actually do (imagine that.... Lol)

ly all - Nel

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parksprout · 6 months ago

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Sprout Journal 12/17/24

Hi Tumbie <3 how are you today? Are you doing well? Are you hanging out, working on yourself, but still having fun in life? I hope you're having such a great time, seriously :3 anyone who reads this

Myself? I'm doing alright I think. For the most part I've hit emotional equilibrium these days, which is like ... fine I think? I wouldn't say I'm in a happy phase, but net neutral is a lot better than what I had before. My low's still happen, I still cry some days, but I'm never feeling as depressive as the early days of the breakup. My highs are actually a little bit less frequent than they were even post-breakup? I think it's because a lot of those days during the early to middle period of the breakup me and Aaron were having a lot of conversations where it felt very much like we might've started dating again quickly after that, so I would ride that high a bit delusionally for the day.

There's not a whole lot to talk about right now, but it's still important that I talk about what I do wanna get out so it doesn't fester methinks. So first I wanna get into some general life updates, then I wanna talk about my family, and then just... some more of the usual thoughts about Aaron, is that okay?!

Also, I haven't had very good relationships with my friends recently. Not that I'm falling out with any of them, but they've got other stuff going on. I think that a lot of them balked at me when they heard about the breakup, it was kinda a "oh not this again" reaction from a couple of them. Only my two closest friends have been fully receptive. I have made a couple of new friends lately! Or gotten some old ones back! I've gotten a lot closer with a mutual friend of me and Aaron's named Liv, we talk basically every day lately. Then there's Sarah and her boyfriend Aidan, both of which were great to meet up with and hang out with!! I also reached out to my old friend Hana who I had actually cut off forever ago because we had a kinda hot-cold almost dating thing before I met Aaron, BUT I obviously am super taken (even if I'm not technically dating them I really do consider myself off the table, I'm not interested in dating otherwise), and I actually saw that Hana is moving in with a boyfriend!!! So we caught up recently which was nice. We both kinda laughed about the way our friendship ended the last time, we had both been in relationships that went south then entered a strange friendship together and lost interest in hanging out because we fell for people aklsjdfh it's funny. But none of those friendships have been super like... active? We've had a few conversations and hung out here or there in Sarah & her bf's case but honestly no aspect of my social life is really feeling as fulfilling as I would like. I think that... in a lot of ways, I'm just ready to move on from a lot of the relationships I have at the moment? Not necessarily in a cutting them off sort of way, but in the like... I wouldn't mind being far from them for a while kinda way, I wouldn't mind leaving it all behind. I want to leave it all behind, actually, and that will be a returning theme of the journal today.

One piece of good news it that I officially passed my semester two days ago and became a junior in college. I'm entering the final stretch if you think about it, isn't that wild? I've been in school since summer of 2023 and in that time I've gone from nothing to a junior. I'm feeling very proud. I didn't maintain my 4.0 GPA into this first semester at an actual University and tbh I'm not even that mad about it. I got a B- in Archaeology, a B in Spanish, an A in Anthropology and an A+ in creative writing. That's still a damn good performance for someone who has literally been back and forth with suicidal ideations since late October, like I did a third of the semester under intense depressive episodes??? It's no small feat. But yeah now I'm on break and sooooo happy about it ugh.

I visited my family yesterday. It was mostly to hang out with my little brother and his girlfriend because they're both chill as hell and we're close enough in age that we understand everything the other's do. I was also there for two other reasons. My sister who moved to NY forever ago was in town and I decided it'd be okay to see her, and I wanted to see how my dad's recovering. We really didn't do much of anything while I was there lol it was so boring aklsjdhfasdf my brother his gf and I did go to a restaurant to get some food!! Then when we got back I was talking with my family about my plans and I mentioned that I'd probably be moving away in the next couple of years. Now, I wasn't expecting them to be like... dragging me away from the idea, but I was expecting either more questions about the idea or at least a bit of curiosity, but they almost universally responded with shrugs or a lack of reaction entirely. I don't particularly like my family, but it would still be nice if like... I mentioned wanting to move away for school 2,000 miles away elicited some kind of reaction. Really, their reaction just solidified my decision.

I really don't feel like I belong anywhere these days as depressive as that sounds to say. It's not bothering me that heavily, but it's like... a square peg and a round hole. I don't think this city, this state, this place is right for me. I don't fit in with most of these people, I'm not making any meaningful connections here and... I keep cutting one string at a time tying me to this place. I'm here because I love my best friend Sammy, I love my other closest friend Jordan, and I love my sister Kimmy, but... Sammy plans to leave eventually anyways, Jordan and I could always be friends no matter the distance and Kimmy usually has too much going on in the first place AND she has openly stated that she supports me leaving because she always wished she had. I'm feeling ready to go, but there's a huge problem.

I don't know where I'll go.

I'm in a moment of standby still. Aaron and I are still up in the air, and for me it will be until either they tell me they're moved on forever or we start dating again. That relationship is a MASSIVE factor in where I decide to move to. If we work out? I'm there in their city as soon as I possibly can be, it'd work out really well too. Before the breakup I had reached out to an account my job has there inquiring about jobs and they are always accepting people for positions there especially if they're transfers with management experience, so I could have a job in their city day one. I was looking at apartments and had some really good areas in mind too. And then there's schooling. I don't wanna dox their location so I won't say the University but theres a state University basically in their city (it's technically a town over but I have a car lmao) that offers the masters degree program that I want to pursue and I'm 100% confident I could get accepted there. Literally every aspect of it works out except for me and Aaron for now. WHICH IS DRIVING ME INSANNNEEEEE!!! I wish that they would be okay trying again, because I would be there so soon. I don't even feel comfortable visiting their city unless we're together, let alone applying for school nearby ToT I've had crazy ex's who have shown up at my house, I don't want to ever give Aaron even a glimpse of a feeling like that because it's frankly terrifying.

MANNNNNN this wasn't supposed to post like this, I was working on adding a bunch more and then my phone crashed!! I'll just edit it from here and then add the pictures I was gonna add on my phone.

One of the things I appreciate the most about my current relationship with Aaron is the honesty of it all. I can be 100% honest about how I feel, I can share basically every thought I have about them, us and myself with them and Aaron seems to feel comfortable doing the same. Recently I've had some moments of genuine anxiety. Some people have consistently whispered in my ear that after I send Aaron their christmas present they'll have no reason to talk to me, and while I know Aaron and trust them whole heartedly to never do something like that the fear was honestly welling up so... I asked Aaron and they reassured me otherwise. Also, I asked if they were okay with me texting them so much still and especially with the posts I was sending and they said yes to that, too. I'm just happy to know I'm not annoying them, that I'm not pushing them further away through my flirting, yearning, constant yapping and inescapable need to share myself 100% with them. Really, I've been doing better about being overly attentive towards them, but better in that department with me is still a lot alksjdf. I'm happy they're patient with me and okay with the amount of attention I give them, though. Gosh. This was supposed to be a diferent kinda entry once I started editing it, but the exhaustion is just fucking smakcing me right now. Why am I so tired???? Ough. I'll just write another journal soon that'll be more comprehensible, I think that this entry has been basically nonsensical from the start askljdhfaskdf. Anyways, love you tumbie. I'm gonna go read a book ab out lesbians killing dragons together., Baiiiii

#sproutposting #sproutjournals #journaling #journal

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parksprout · 6 months ago

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went to the pub for a drink on my first real day off in over a week and watched the girl behind the bar drop the entire cash drawer on the floor in the middle of the rush and then just stare at it at her feet for like a solid two minutes

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parksprout · 6 months ago

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parksprout · 6 months ago

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how high is your pain tolerance? (flirting)

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parksprout · 6 months ago

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parksprout · 6 months ago

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KIKI'S DELIVERY SERVICE 1989 — dir. Hayao Miyazaki

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parksprout · 6 months ago

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Sprout Journal 12/14/24

I'm going to stop apologizing to myself for these delayed journal entries. I think I've just got to acknowledge that like... life isn't moving as quickly as it was when I started these. The emotions I was experiencing everyday that I was expressing through those earlier entries were rapidly evolving, complex, intense emotions that needed immediate expression or else they might've crippled me. Life isn't moving nearly as fast nowadays as it was at the end of October through the first half of November - I'm basically in emotional stasis.

Maybe emotional stasis isn't the best phrase! I am certainly feeling a variety of emotions, attitudes, and opinions every day. I'm still wearing many faces and using every voice I have. But most of my internal conflicts have been resolved; I know what I want, I understand where life's at and I know who I am. That doesn't mean that my problems are gone, but rather it means that I'm relatively confident that I'm doing the best that I can to solve my problems and answer these questions I have. I guess that even though I want my life to change from it's current spot, I'm not necessarily unhappy either. To quote the person at the heart of the biggest question in my life I'm doing okay "because we're fine". I won't pretend like the most painful wound isn't my relationship woes. Yeah. It's still shitty. But frankly there's not much else I can do at this exact moment other than continue what I have been doing since I met Aaron in the first place. Treat them with the love and kindness that they deserve, enjoy my time in their company, and seek the right admixture of his happiness and mine. I want him to be my boyfriend, my girlfriend, my partner, whatever they feel any particular day but... at this moment I have to settle for them being my very close friend. It hurts sometimes explicitly because it is fine, because I am seemingly on the precipice of something grander than my lot with them but... to be as nonchalant as I can be it's straight up whatever, I can't change it unless they want to change it.

I have answered a lot of questions about myself recently through reflection at least. I tried to gaslight myself into thinking I could be interested in other people if I tried to be, but after a conversation with a mutual friend of me n' Aaron's I realized just how untrue that is. I'm frankly not interested in other people. I don't need a relationship to be happy, and the void left in my heart isn't one that could be filled by anyone else. It's kinda fortunate not really being interested in any other romance, though. It means that there's less places to direct my energy, I can feel okay when I reject people and not have to worry that I might be missing out; it's only missing out if I wanna participate in the first place. So that's nice y'know? It's not that I need a relationship in general, it's that if I'm going to have anyone? I want it to be Aaron. They're the person I see as my other half, the person who balances my bad and I have the most fun directing my good towards. The person that I see myself happiest with and want to imagine a future together, with. I've also been reflecting on the way that I think about them as well and... I'll admit that at one point in our relationship, probably like eight? Ten months ago? I was almost obsessive (I was super lonely, man) but I wouldn't call myself anything close to that now. I text them a lot, and I get very excited to talk to them, but in those moments in which we're not talking I'm not dysfunctional like I was at one point. I don't need them to be omnipresent in my life in order for me to be happy, I just have the most fun when they're around. I think that's a healthier mentality than I've ever had about them, or frankly about any other relationship. I wish I had achieved this status a little bit earlier, though. I would've been a better partner to them had I not been so needy, and frankly it's something that I need to work hard on to prevent both now as their friend (ToT hate saying that) and in the future if we ever start dating again. I also think that it's good that I'm finding and acknowledging these flaws in my thought processes and emotions, I want to continue working on: patience (like being okay with them taking their time to reply to me & specific messages, making complex and important decisions, or finding time to spend together), confidence in myself/building a lack of need for encouragement, individuality and surely more too. I think that if we start ever again, our relationship needs to look more like how it does now than it did then. We need to have time apart every day, we need to have our private spaces online, we need to be able to exist separate and be casual about our relationship. That's one thing that I always lacked when we were together was the ability to be casual, I got too serious too fast too young and too earnestly.

We really are cool lately, though. I'm doing a lot better when it comes to being annoying, I think. I text them about almost everything happening in my life but like... I don't think that Aaron minds? They know that they're my best friend regardless of what's going on, and I never add that additional pressure of needing them to respond like I used to. We're still talking about most things happening in our lives, but frankly I don't think that either of us have the most going on right now so things are a bit drier than I would like! It's moments when we're dry like that I think I miss them the most, though, because what I would always want when we weren't texting as much due to having little to say would be to call and have fun together playing a game, watching shows, or even just doing parallel hobbies while being able to hear each other. That was always the most fun, just vibing out together super casually without an end goal in mind. There's some stuff that we're actually better at now than we were before haha. Like saying hi to each other's friends, being honest about feelings, giving each other space (really just me giving Aaron space lmaooo), and this might sound weird but I think I've been more comfortable showing Aaron parts of my body (think SFW y'all) that I wasn't really confident in showing before. We have fun talking and I know that because Aaron has no obligation to me, he's only texting me because he actually wants to, not because he's afraid of hurting my feelings with his absence. Or at least I hope that's the case.

We're doing good in most ways. I'm treating them better and myself, too. My desire to date them hasn't diminished even a little, though, and if anything I've only been dreaming more. There's a couple of opportunities I've been made aware of near where they live that I want to capitalize on, but I still feel like a weirdo thinking about moving to their city without being their partner. I know that they trust me and that they know I'm not some crazy ex who would be moving out there to stalk them, but I still feel like a freak for dreaming about places nearby. I want to apply to the University system in their state to pursue my masters degree, and the campus nearest to them is one of the options for a field school I was interested in. I want so badly to leave the place I live now, but it feels wrong that so many of my dreams have become wrapped up in a place that they occupy. Like what am I supposed to do if I end up living there? It feels super frustrating considering isolating myself from a place where my personal goals might be more achievable but I think I might have to, like the discomfort of potentially running into them when we aren't a couple is something I genuinely have to factor. I guess this is what happens when you date someone sometimes. You build these dreams and when the relationship ends, all of the sudden you have to reevaluate everything down to the foundation. Unfortunately I have reevaluated and it looks like many of the best options for my career and safety as a queen individual still push me in their direction. I have a lot of time to decide on whether or not to transfer schools, where to live during my career and what we'll look like in the future, though. I just have to be patient, y'know? It's funny, I wonder if I would've ever researched that school so much, learned so much about their city, realized how badly I yearn to live somewhere like that if I hadn't met them? Would I be forever content living in bum ass Ohio if they weren't the person I love most? I've always dreamed of moving away but... are they the reason it's that place that draws me in the most? Maybe in time as I continue reassessing myself and my future I'll find somewhere that interests me more, but maybe I won't?

There's been a lot of other stress in my life besides just the typical love life situation, though.

First of all it's been exam season at school, which unfortunately I've been probably the least prepared for I've been out of any exam season I've lived through. This year was a tough one, y'all, but I've kinda kicked ass at it despite my fears otherwise. I've gotten back three out of four of my classes final grades, and thus far it's looking nice. In Anthropology I got an A for my final grade, in creative writing I got an A as well. In Spanish I performed very poorly on the exam but I'm still finishing the class with a B as my final grade! Archaeology is the last course that hasn't updated my final grade, I hope the professor does soon!!! Rah!!!! I'm kinda nervous about that class because I could technically fail. If I get a 3/30 or below on the final exam I fail the course which like.. feels unlikely but it even being possible makes me nervous. I'm such a goody-two-shoes academically, I can't accept failure and I've never really experienced pure educational inadequacies. My final project for creative writing got some accolades from the professor. He said that he could tell that I was experiencing a lot of pain in this past month and that it certainly came forward in my writing, but that he also wishes I had taken somewhat of a different route with my story. I wrote about my relationship failing as part of the set-up for the story, and made the characterized version of myself's unwillingness to ask my former partner for help a major plot point. The professor was more interested in the backstory, I was more interested in the present conflict as a writer. I originally really wanted to share the story with Aaron but as it evolved it became increasingly a treatise to my feelings about the breakup and... I'm afraid that I already share so much about how it's made me feel with them. I think I might continue working on the story as well, and eventually I would like to share it but maybe not for a while <3 one of the biggest aspects of our relationship that I'm still mourning actively is that they were my trusted reader, they were my creative muse, they were the person I wanted to build a mythos with and... since we've been separated, I haven't been able to work on our story once without shedding tears. They are just as responsible for creating Opossum Creek as I am at this point, and... unfortunately without them I can't do it in good faith, I can't write that story without it breaking my heart.

There's been some other stuff happening in life that has been a mixture of terrifying and fun! I'll start with the scary. My dad had a massive stroke that put him in the hospital and had him unconscious for nine hours. There was some serious debate as to whether or not he'd wake up as the doctors weren't entirely sure why he was still unconscious, but eventually he woke up without medical assistance and resumed both normal brain and physical function. The doctors don't even know how that's possible, but he seems perfectly fine despite how terrifying the actual event was. It kinda convinced me even more of my current health track; he's lived an unhealthy life and I don't want to end up being only 55 having major strokes like him. I was very confused by my feelings during that time. I hate my father, he was a horrible parent and he's a bad man. I also wasn't ready to be fully parentless, though, and the stress of my dad having a stroke in addition to everything else in life was... a lot, honestly.

The good thing that happened was that I hung out with an old friend of mine again!! It's the second time we've met up in recent weeks, and it's fucking crazy how easy it's been to just get back in the flow of things. I had missed her a lot, for a while she was even closer to me than my best friend Sammy at the same time, so it's been a bit of a dream come true to see her again. Her boyfriend is also an amazing dude, and after her numerous very abusive past partners I couldn't be more grateful to see her happy.

I think I wanna make a post sometime soon talking about more of my dreams, especially the ones that are kinda in question since me and Aaron are kinda in question, too. There's a lot of my life that's in limbo while I wait to see if we're going to work out. I really... I wanted to move in the next year or so tbh, but realistically I can't do that until I have a clear image of whether or not me and Aaron will work out because that might decide where I live. I wanted to start figuring out my next steps academically and where to build a career, but that depends on where I move, which depends on those questions too. I'm an impatient person, though I am working on that impatience, so it's really bothersome playing this whole wait and see game.

I guess I wanna end this by saying that... I love them a lot, y'all. Even if the pain has mostly dulled, the affection never has, and unfortunately I know myself well enough to say that... I don't think it will. I do believe in soul mates, I do believe that everybody has their one, and I do think that they're mine and that.. despite everything, I am theirs too. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm wrong. But they're worth waiting to see, they're worth working on myself for, they're worth the time between now and what's next. I'm worth it too, I think.

That's all for tonight tumbie. I love you so much :) I think I'm saying that to anyone who reads these, this website, and to myself when I go back to re-read them too. Goodnight everybody <3

#sproutposting #sproutjournals #journaling #journal #12/14/24

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