parvuls

[parvuls]

From: jackzimmermann@nhl.com

To: eric.bittle@samwell.edu

Subj: Restriction on Pies and Pastries Supply to PVD Falconers

Mr. Eric Bittle,

It has recently been brought to my attention that you are responsible for the pies and various pastries that have been delivered to members of the NHL team, the Providence Falconers. Unfortunately, the high fat content found in pies and the like poses a significant risk to athletes' physical fitness. It is vital for hockey players to maintain optimal physical condition to ensure their peak performance on the ice, and therefore the team’s win.

As it is my duty to oversee their dietary requirements, I ask you to cease the distribution of such food items to the members of the team immediately.

Thank you for your cooperation,

Jack Zimmermann

Providence Falconers Nutritionist | Providence, RI

-

From: eric.bittle@samwell.edu

To: jackzimmermann@nhl.com

Subj: Re: Restriction on Pies and Pastries Supply to PVD Falconers

Dear Mr. Zimmermann,

It’s really nice to make your acquaintance. I actually had to message Alexei just to make sure this wasn’t some prank from one of my friends - I couldn’t believe an actual NHL staff member reached out to me! He assured me you’re the real thing, however (although I’m not sure how you got my school contact info?).

About the pies - you have nothing to worry about. Firstly, I only use the very best products, so anything your boys are getting from me is high quality. Second of all, I explicitly told the boys that I would only make the deliveries on cheat days. They better be smarter than to lie to me. 

I’m a big fan of the Falconers, and I would never do anything to harm their chances! On the contrary, I do believe having a pie waiting for you at the end of a hard week gives more motivation for training. So actually, I’m helping y’all out :) 

You’re very welcome, and good luck against the Devils!

Eric

-

From: jackzimmermann@nhl.com

To: eric.bittle@samwell.edu

Subj: Re: Re: Restriction on Pies and Pastries Supply to PVD Falconers

Mr. Bittle,

I appreciate your reply. However, I feel that I have not made my stance clear enough.

Hockey is a very demanding sport. Cheat meals are meant to benefit our players, not provide them with an excuse to consume excessive amounts of sugar and fat. Nine of our players had received deliveries from you in the last 3 months. In my estimations, that comes to about 216 baked pies. 

You must not be aware of this, but regular consumption of saturated fat can lead to heart disease and stroke. I advise you to look into investing your time in less harmful pursuits. I attached a list of recommendations for preferable culinary interests and other hobbies (if you eat even a portion of what you make, I highly recommend taking an interest in physical activity).

Please write back to me with confirmation that you will no longer deliver to members of this team.

Sincerely,

Jack Zimmermann

Providence Falconers Nutritionist | Providence, RI

-

From: eric.bittle@samwell.edu

To: jackzimmermann@nhl.com

Subj: Re: Re: Re: Restriction on Pies and Pastries Supply to PVD Falconers

Mr. Zimmermann,

Unfortunately, I can make no such promises. Your players are counting on me, and I’d hate letting those sweet boys down. But just give it a few more months! You’ll see their game won’t be affected, and we could put all this behind us. In fact, I bet you’ll even see some improvement :)

Thank you for your concern, but it’s honestly not needed. I’m definitely getting enough physical activity, haha. Actually, I’m the captain of a Division I NCAA ice hockey team. And look, I’m doing just fine!

Also, I did take a look at your list. Flourless protein brownies?? Poor man. If that is what you consider a dessert, it’s no wonder you’ve got all these misguided views on pies. I had real brownies delivered just for you this morning, so you can taste the difference yourself. If they’re not on your desk by this afternoon, Thirdy or Poots must’ve gotten to them. Please let me know so I can make another batch.

All the best,

Eric

- 

From: jackzimmermann@nhl.com

To: eric.bittle@samwell.edu

Subj: Final Request to Discontinue Pastry Deliveries 

Mr. Bittle,

You’re a hockey player who bakes a dozen pies a month in his free time? This is unacceptable for a sports team on any level. If possible, I would like the name of your team and your coach. Your staff should be made aware of the risks involved in not supervising their players’ health. I am more than willing to offer my services for a free-of-charge seminar about nutrition. 

I have made my position about the deliveries very clear. If you cannot assure me of your cooperation, I will be forced to speak to security and restrict entry of food into our facilities without my approval.

I don’t wish to resort to forbidding you from future contact with team members, but if it is in the best interest of the team’s success, I will.

Good day,

Jack Zimmermann

Providence Falconers Nutritionist | Providence, RI

-

From: eric.bittle@samwell.edu

To: jackzimmermann@nhl.com

Subj: (no subject)

Dear Jack Zimmermann,

I would like to see you try.

Bless you heart,

Eric Bittle

[parvuls]

2.2 / 1.10 / 2.14

[parvuls]

Does Bitty have roommates? Holster says that it's a Samwell tradition for roommates to pick winter screw dates, but he and Ransom will do it anyways, implying he has some. Also, where in relation to the map is his dorm?

UHMM, Bitty’s roommates are all compsci majors who are constantly squirreled away in computer labs, hacking and churning out code.

HERE’S BITTY’S ROOM!! (Though I’m realizing that the scale on this map is off.)

Poor thing. It takes him forever to get anywhere. And you know Ransom and/or Holster demand to walk him back to his room after Bitty drops a few kegsters.

[parvuls]

weird au where jack's spirit (stuck in a coma since the OD) takes over bitty's body after a séance session at the haus, and the two of them sort of coexist as one entity while jack uses bitty's body to achieve his hocky dreams and bitty goes along with it so jack can find peace and bitty can have his body back

[parvuls]

Jack and Bitty were so oblivious

“…Bittle, put my jacket on. Your teeth are chattering.”

Bonus comics from #Hockey

[parvuls]

i just made this for myself, but multiple people have told me they find it really useful so i thought id share it!

[parvuls]

CHECK, PLEASE! the complete first season

[parvuls]

More than anything, this year, I know that I trust these guys. I’ve trusted them with my hopes, my fears…my secrets…and they trust me too. And that’s how it’s been since day one, hasn’t it?

[parvuls]

Year 1, #18 - Playoffs Pt. 1 Missing Scene (WIP)

[parvuls]

i am a cnadian who calls my bf bud and i know many others who do….. please dont insult our proud culture

[parvuls]

LET BITTY CARRY HIS GIANT BOYFRIEND PLEEEEEASE

[parvuls]

A Comprehensive List Of Jack's Canon Chirps

"Bittle, HEADS UP!" [Bitty passes out] "…Or get into fetal position at central ice. That's also an option."

"You've never seen the sun rise from a rink, eh? Thought you were a figure skating champion."

Bitty: "A fist bump! I didn't know you did those." Jack: "Ha - you gotta work for them."

"The sad thing is, I can tell he's lying not because of the library part? But because he'd never leave a pie unattended."

"Oh and Bittle, before I forget. This summer? Eat more protein."

"When you get Youtube famous don't go out and chirp me all over the internet, eh? 'Night."

"How many of those tweets do you start with oh my god y'all?"

"It's way too easy to make you laugh. Make sure you tweet that." [looks over Bitty's shoulder to make sure he tweets that]

[texts Bitty a smiley face] [follows up with:] "Sorry that was a typo."

"You only tweeted twice while we were working, Bittle. That's a record."

[Bitty gets knocked over] "I guess you're looking for extra checking practice, eh, Bittle?"

"We should get going and let Bittle here text about his walk to class."

Bitty: "E-excuse you, but my kitchen is no place for checking!" Jack: "…Your kitchen?" Bitty: "Well, the kitchen! Now move your big -- uhm." Jack: "My big…?"

[At Thanksgiving] "All that turkey's gonna make you slow for tomorrow, Chowder."

[To a kid wearing a Brad Marchand jersey while asking for Jack's autograph] "You know this isn't me, right?"

"17." [At Bitty's confusion:] "That's the number of pies you baked in September. In case you were wondering where your time went."

"I'm sure you'd be done [with your history essay] too if you had tweeted it. Is that an option?"

[looks at Bitty's tweets] "I said where'd you get that camera not is that the camera you use. Come on, Bittle."

[finds Bitty's surprise cookies] "I'm surprised your cookies got through costumes Bittle."

"I told my mom about all your tweeting? She says you're not following her. I'm more surprised than offended, Bittle."

"Shitty, don't you think I should get a tweet transcript or something since he quotes me so much? For legal purposes."

"Hey, Bittle. That Daily reporter didn't rope you into an interview after that jump?"

[after meeting Farmer] "She was nice, eh? Cute. …I bet you're texting about our lunch now."

[Nursey accidentally hits a kid in the face with his hockey bag] "Nice check, Nurse."

[in the middle of the night] "I figured you'd be up baking a pie or three."

[Bitty gets shoe-checked] "Hey, it's no shoes, no shirt, no service, Bittle."

"Whose shoulders are you going to sit on at Spring C, Bittle?"

[Shitty tears up while kissing the ice] "Crying a bit there, eh?"

[SMH buy Bitty a new oven] Bitty: "I need to bake something right this second!" Jack: "Stop crying first."

"If we move the kitchen table out, you can bring your bed in."

[About graduating] "The biggest change is probably my diet. Less pie."

"And hey, it's a bit different than you and Lardo, eh? Since everyone knew you were in love with her since sophomore year."

[during Falcs Faceoff] Teammate: "Heard you've never lost one a these, I'm scared." Jack: "Yeah, you should be."

[Gets chirped for dating Bitty] "This is a Samwell hockey record. Chirps lasting longer than the ones re: Holster & Esther S." Holster: "…Jack." Jack: ":)"

Nursey: "Yo, Bitty do you remember any French?" Jack: "No." Bitty: "I can speak for myself, Mr. Zimmermann." Jack: "Well. Not in French."

[To Marty & Thirdy] "Hauling your kids around on a sled just about wore you guys out, eh?"

[To Tater] "Potato champ needs more sleep, eh?"

"Bitty? Hey, bud, come on, say something -" [Bitty passes out] "Or you can pass out at center ice. I'm getting deja vu."

[parvuls]

okay so who's gonna start a lineart-by-one-artist x coloring-by-another collab event

[parvuls]

First + Last

[parvuls]

for the rest of their lives any person who has been a member of SMH has gotten the same confusion squinting thrown in their direction: "Wait. Justin. You baked these cookies?" "Who made this pie—Anthony?" "Will, these are the most perfect pancakes I've ever—" "Larissa, you could enter these into a contest. Holy shit." "Okay, Alexei, where did you buy these?" And everyone is like: "Oh, yeah, I had this friend in college—" "Yeah, I got really good at baking in college—" "A friend taught me how to make two dozen pancakes while hungover—" "Yeah. It's an award-winning recipe. I learned it from a friend—" "Not store bought; I made them!!"

[parvuls]

SHIP AESTHETICS → Bitty x Jack

“We’re a team.”

for levi’s birthday

[parvuls]

Zimbits for @lellabeth <333

Check Please! and its characters belong to Ngozi Ukazu, please check them out @ http://omgcheckplease.tumblr.com/ :)