pass-the-bowl

[pass-the-bowl]

9:14 am

J,

So, I officially signed up for classes. After a semester of nothingness, I feel like I miss it. Even the having something to stress over part. I don't miss feeling absolutely wrecked by the crushing weight of never being good enough but I am trying to be positive about going back.

Even though I am very excited to continue my learning adventure, I do feel like I didn't really use my time during the break wisely. HOWEVER, I do think I should probably try to be more positive and actually try to make a change while I am transitioning into big-girl college. I am going to start by cleaning my room...again. It won't be hard, but I fell into a slump for the last week or two and I am now annoyed at the state of my room. Before, I think I just felt ashamed. But now I have proven to myself that I can do better. So I shall.

Today's entry isn't going to be very long. I apologise about that. I don't have many things to write about other than I am being productive today, I want to do better, and I want to be better. I am working on a lot of other things, too. But I will try to come up with more of an update on everything the next time.

Anyway, I will leave you to rest and I will go back to trying to be a bit more productive before my body inevitably gives out to the lack of food and I'll have to break the momentum. Take care until next time.

Yours,

M.

[pass-the-bowl]

2:05 am

J,

I decided that it was time to make my letters into an internet blog situation. It felt like less of a desperate attempt to keep up with the various pages in a journal I would ultimately lose and more of a poetic way to send my letters into a void. They would all be in one place whenever I wanted them if I wanted them (but honestly I don't know if I will ever reread them). I don't know how existing in the ether works, but if you could see my journal pages, I would assume you can also see this internet post as well. Or I am writing to no one. That's okay too.

I don't have much to update you on but I wanted to write to you and christen this page with its first of many journal entries. The last time I wrote to you, I was in a really dark place. I still am. I am trying to work through that since I really hate feeling this low. It is one of the most gutwrenching, aching pains to feel that way. And it almost felt like the last time I wrote, I didn't have a reason to feel that way. The universe gave me one.

I got into an argument with my father after he told me that I had an attitude with him. I am a 23-year-old woman and suddenly I felt 13 and alone. I was stuck in a room in yet another unfamiliar house and I just wanted out. I wanted to leave and never come back. I wanted to escape this hellish nightmare that I had been placed in. And it is so dumb. It is so unbelievably dumb. I tried to explain to him that I wasn't trying to be a bad daughter. I had so many things I could have said that maybe would have rectified the situation. But then he looked me in my face and told me that I am so ungrateful for everything he does for me and I broke.

I am not ungrateful. I am always so worried that he doesn't recognize how grateful I am. I am a gift person, but he never wants gifts. We don't talk much even though his room is just on the other side of our house from mine. We don't spend time together anymore. We aren't really a family anymore. I feel as though I am being replaced by a better family. One that isn't so complicated. By a family where they are having children and moving out and they have so much going on that even bad days can be seen as good but I am just here. I am struggling, drowning, and afraid to ask for help. And so when he said I was ungrateful, it was as if it I had been found out. I think I cried for two days. I showed up to work just tired. I didn't want to be there and I had almost hit a car from how spaced out I was on the drive.

I really don't know how to go on. I wanted to die so, so badly. And I wish I could have a fun, creative word to say how I *specifically* felt. But I do not. The feeling is fading and it is still there. I do feel that, within the last day it has been a bit better. I got cookies from my order when I picked up my food. They were definitely not meant for me. And I did feel a bit bad knowingly taking them. But I also figured if I gave them back, they would throw them out. And so it felt like I shouldn't let a good cookie go to waste haha. But, I do appreciate the kind gesture, whatever powers are at play for me to be told "have a blessed night" and to get free cookies.

Anyway, I am going to go. I am very tired. I really hope you are doing well. I know you can't really respond or anything like that. Nonetheless, I do really hope you are doing well. You deserve to be happy now. Life was cruel to you in a way I can't imagine. Please take care of yourself out there on the other side. I'll make sure to write soon.

Yours,

M.

P.S. I don't know if that bird on my mailbox who stared at me and didn't fly off was you, but if it was, I appreciated the visit. Although it could have been a really, really chill bird. And that's pretty neat too!