passengersvoice - Tumblr blog

[passengersvoice]

It's my 7 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

What a strange seven years it’s been! I created this blog to explore my Dexterkin feelings and since then I have kinfirmed it and started piecing together memories. I’ve met a few people from my source including kintwins, come and go from several kincords, and commissioned a decent amount of art related to being Dexter.

Today, Dexter is an important part of my inner mythos, and the kin feelings remain strong, although more controlled than when I was first experiencing all those feelings for the first time. I have no idea why I am the way I am, but I get the feeling that something about the act of passionately creating works of fiction is inherently a magical act and can literally change reality.

Am I crazy? Almost certainly. Am I able to keep myself together and function as a self sufficient adult? Yep. Regardless of the origin of my fictionkin feelings, they are real and significant to me, even if it’s nonsense to others.

I will continue to document significant discoveries and experiences related to the alternate lives I live parallel to this one. I do this almost exclusively for my own benefit, but if it helps anyone else I would be glad.

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I love Dexter dreams!!!! Tonight was a bit of an AU to even my own canon, but I still enjoyed getting to be myself again in my body and brain. Felt good, felt right. Holding on to that feeling today as I live my very different (but arguably infinitely better) life.

[passengersvoice]

New kin memory, logging it here.

Context: Brian has just busted me, Dexter, out of jail and we are on our escape route in a stolen vehicle, about to move onto our next phase of getting the hell out of Miami.

I must have fallen asleep during the drive, because I remember looking at Brian in the driver’s seat, small determined smile resting on his lips, then suddenly time had passed- we were stopped and he gave me a friendly shove.

“We’re here.” he handed me a canvas duffle bag. I groggily took it from him unquestioningly. I looked around. We were parked under a canopy of palm trees, in shadow and hidden from view of the road. Ahead of us through the windshield was the ocean, blazingly bright sunlight dancing across the water. The heat of the air rippled persistently.

I looked in the bag. “A costume?” I asked, grimacing a little as I pulled out a tie-dyed Mickey Mouse t-shirt.

Enjoying my discomfort, Brian grinned. “We gotta. Can’t have anyone recognizing us. Get changed.” He pulled off his shirt and started putting on a button-down neon Hawaiian print shirt. I inwardly sighed and started pulling out the rest of the outfit.

“Come on… a wig?” I groaned as I held up a shaggy blonde wig. Between that, the bucket hat, and the red Crocs he picked out for me, I was beginning to think Brian was purposefully trying to get under my skin.

Brian smirked as he tucked his curly hair into a baseball cap and put a cheap camera on a strap around his neck. “You want to get out of Miami, right?”

I begrudgingly put on the rest of the outfit and finished with some sunglasses to hide my eyes. Brian did the same, he had a pair of aviators that he donned. “So what, are we going to get on a cruise or something?”

“Not quite- I have a plan.” he said with an air of authority.

From there, our discussion fades into hazy static, and my consciousness returns to my waking body.

[passengersvoice]

Texture of upholstery foam, taste of dirt. Hard pass.

I feel like we’re due for more food discourse

[passengersvoice]

Dex, what’s it like to be a wolf therian?

It was suggested by several panelists at Othercon that we alter-humans should write essays/blog about our experiences. It’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything in depth about being alter-human, so here is information on my own personal experiences of being a wolf in a human body. Namely, what it’s like to be a wolf- the feelings and experiences I have that may be different from someone who isn’t a wolf therian.

I identify as a red wolf, in addition to being a human. In my youth I denied my humanity, but I can’t escape the fact that I have a human’s body and brain, and that brain colors every thought and sensory input I experience. The two are inextricably linked forever. The wolf side of me is as real and influential as the human side, I am the product of a blending of the two. My alter-humanity usually doesn’t tangibly affect my day to day goings on- enough that I know it’s there, and it’s probably shaped my particular idiosyncrasies as a person. These days those two parts of me are fairly harmonious with one another and usually don’t cause major problems.

As a wolf in a human body, I do experience body dysmorphia. I suspect part of the reason it took so long for me to come out as trans was because I have always been bothered by this physical body and my ideal form, a wolf, is fully unattainable. My species dysmorphia makes me feel like being bipedal is unnatural, top-heavy, ungainly. I am bothered that running causes so much stress to the human body, when wolves run basically all day every day. If I try to go down to all fours, my proportions are all wrong, and I am heavy and ungainly and fall over. It’s very frustrating. I can see perfectly in my mind’s eye how I should be structured, I imagine long drawn out transformation sequences where I take on my ideal shape. Sometimes I just find the human body to be so damn unappealing, horrible short face with flat teeth and creepy toes. Long legs, short arms, hairless. Unsettling. I miss being able to smell and hear like a wolf- having this human sense of smell is like looking through a tiny blurry scratched up porthole compared to what I could smell as a wolf. I try in vain to sniff the wind and decipher the messages carried on the breeze. I can gain little to no information from my pitiful human nose. Thumbs are pretty cool though.

I have experienced involuntary mental shifts throughout my life- if you don’t experience them or are otherwise unfamiliar with this term, it’s basically when primate brain takes a back seat and I am compelled by the wolf’s brain instead. Or at least, as close as I can get to wolf mode while being powered physically by a human’s body and brain. How I act in a mental shift is entirely dependent on my mood and the situation. If I’m comfy with friends when I have shifted, I fight the impulse to nip at them playfully and jaw wrestle with them. If I’m with my partner, I might shoulder-check them affectionately or roll on them. With anybody besides my partner, I do resist the impulse to be physical because it could easily be interpreted as romantic intent and is usually a step too far over people’s boundaries when it’s humans doing it to each other. When I am overwhelmed or scared in a shift, my wolf brain races, and I cower down as small as I can make myself and look for the nearest exit. It might become hard for me to stand fully upright, and I will go very quiet. I tend to yelp when startled suddenly, like it someone comes up to me from behind and puts their hand on my shoulder. Mental shifts don’t always have to be associated with extreme moods either- I purposefully try to put myself into wolf headspace on solo walks. On these wolf walks, I quiet my noisy internal narrative and let the wolf observe everything around it in detail through my senses. This headspace is a rare example of me voluntarily shifting- my shifts are usually completely involuntary.

In addition to mental shifts, I experience phantom shifts as well. This is when I feel parts of the wolf’s body that I don’t have in human form. Mainly ears and tail for me, since they’re so integral to wolf communication. When I phantom shift I will often “feel” my pointed wolf ears swiveling different directions on my head. I will sometimes point both my ears at whoever in the room is speaking to be polite and show that I am paying attention… never mind the fact nobody can actually see my wolf ears. My tail has a bit of a life of it’s own… I used to feel it more as a phantom extension of my spine, but over the years, I unwittingly put the tail wagging into my foot. So I will tap or wag my foot with delight when happy, or rapid tap it if I’m anxious. I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time until I hear the thumping sound my foot makes. I like it though, wagging my phantom tail and hearing a thumping makes me feel like I’m actually wagging a real tail that’s hitting the floor or my chair as it moves.

Dreams have been a very important way my wolf side emerges. Dreams helped me along the way to first discovering I was a therian. I used to be plagued by nightmares when I was a kid. I would be chased by something and would fall down and not be able to get back up. I would hobble slowly away on my knees trying desperately to get back up and escape while the monster loomed ever closer. Around the time of my therian awakening, this narrative changed. I stopped trying to stand up and simply took off on all fours. I was shocked to find I was incredibly swift as I quadrupedally ran, and my nightmares significantly lessened. In discovering what I am, I became stronger. From then on, dreams where I’m chased by things ended up being more exhilarating than anything- I loved the excuse to take off running on all fours at full speed, leaping over logs and through brambles and splashing through creeks and getting leaves and mud stuck in my fur. The actual storyline of the dream would become secondary to the sheer joy of running. What once were nightmares became my favorite dreams. This is a huge part as to why running as a human is so deeply unsatisfying and painful- because I have felt the four-legged alternative and it’s night and day.

I have meditated in order to become closer to my wolf self. Sometimes what I see is in first-person view, sometimes I’m looking at myself from second-person view, but these sessions have allowed me to get glimpses at myself and my life as a wolf. It was in these little flashes in my waking life that allowed me to get a pretty good idea of what I looked like as a wolf. My fursona is just wolf me as an anthro, they have all the same markings and colors I have in wolf form. I don’t have a very complete picture of what my life was like or even what time period this wolf life takes place in- just little snippets of regular activities like napping on a granite boulder in the sun and hunting rabbits. It would be worth my while to spend more time on this.

Shifting is something I dealt with more frequently when I was younger- it’s my personal theory that the more in discord I am, the more involuntary shifts will occur. So my childhood and teen years were naturally more full of drama and angst, so I shifted more. I was also not fully accepting of my wolf side, and the more I tried to deny my wolfness, the more the wolf forces it’s way out in retaliation. Supporting my theory is the fact that I also tend to have unpredictable strong mental shifts when very drunk or high- another instance in which I am not in harmony with my body. So as a fairly stable adult who freely admits to being alter-human and doesn’t go through a lot of extreme emotional situations, I don’t have mental shifts very often anymore. This doesn’t mean I’m less of a wolf- and I’m sure if I tried to go around now saying it was just a “phase” and I don’t identify that way anymore, I’m sure the wolf would make itself very known once again with involuntary shifting and humble me once again. I am comfortable with where I am as a wolf/human individual, and wolf is an unshaking constant part of my core identity. I am happy to be this weird wonderful creature I am.

Being a wolf is an involuntary identity of mine, something that has remained a constant in my life for almost 25 years now. Regardless of if you think therianthropy is derived from mental origins, spiritual, just plain insanity*- it doesn’t change the fact that yes, I AM a wolf in addition to being a human. The why/how I became this way is way less important to me than it used to be. My experiences listed here are deeply personal, and my experiences won’t perfectly mirror other alter-humans. Even those of us with similar identities can have extremely different experiences. That’s part of what I love about this community… the sheer breadth of experiences and stories. We are all unique creatures.

*which is an ableist and dismissive way to look at alter-humanity. Don’t be this person! You’re allowed to not understand it or think it’s weird, but don’t try to diagnose strangers on the internet just because you think they’re weird.

[passengersvoice]

Othercon 2022

Othercon was awesome! Everyone was very chill, respectful, and encouraging. Feeling lots of kin euphoria from being around so many people like me! I highly recommend joining the fun next year if you didn’t attend this year. It’s a virtual convention held over Discord, with panel presentations, movies, an artist alley, and lots of chatting!

[passengersvoice]

Wait nevermind I’m an idiot, I didn’t realize there was a tab full of suggested content from strangers, that’s what I was looking at.

Ahhhh I have been away from Tumblies a while and everyone I followed apparently changed usernames and I have no idea who anyone is

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oh darling, you've never quite fit in.

Your teeth are just a bit too sharp

Your claws sink in a bit too far, don't they?

Maybe your mane is too intimidating

Maybe your wings take up too much space?

You glorious beast, you're perfect.

Sink your claws in, I don't mind

Know how perfect you are.

You were built to run, to ravage, to fly and to fight.

never let ANYONE

Dull the creature inside you.

[passengersvoice]

Ahhhh I have been away from Tumblies a while and everyone I followed apparently changed usernames and I have no idea who anyone is

[passengersvoice]

Collateral, Andrew Interisano

[passengersvoice]

Howdy, I mostly identify as psychological kin so maybe my perspective can help!

Fictionkin can experience any, all, or none of the traditional kin “symptoms”. I myself experience memories, homesickness, nostalgia, mental shifts, dreams, and the like- even though I believe the origin of these feelings is mostly in my brain. But when it comes to how I experience being kin and live my life as an alterhuman, I feel like spiritual kins and I have more in common than not.

It’s okay if you don’t experience shifts or memories. If you involuntarily identify AS the character (vs identifying with), then you’re fictionkin. Everything else is negotiable. And as someone who’s been aware of being alterhuman for over 20 years, I notice I go through cycles throughout my life of no noticeable kin activity, lots of activity, periods where it expresses itself more through dreams, periods where it expresses itself through mental shifts, etc. So even if you don’t experience those “symptoms” now you may experience some at a later date.

I’m curious about what makes someone fictionkin and what doesn’t. Main stuff that is listed are memories, homesickness, nostalgia, phantom limbs, etc. All of those are things that have a spiritual connotation esp. in reference to past lives. But what about psych kin? Wouldn’t it make sense if they didn’t experience these things because they didn’t literally live as their kinselves in past lives? I feel as though I am certain characters, recognizing them as self, though I also believe this comes from my mind rather than spirit. If someone IDs as a character but has no other experiences that are often labeled as kin “symptoms” (for lack of a better word) then what does that make them?

I'm spiritual fictionkin myself, and thus I have never experienced being psych kin, so I can't tell you what kind of experiences, feelings, or ideas that psychologically based kin might or might not have that they feel make them fictionkin.

Maybe some psych kin out there could chime in and answer?

[passengersvoice]

Relishing in being a SICK FUCK tonight after a fun dream of 🔪 and 🍴

The shame will come later, for now just missing that FEELING

[passengersvoice]

I feel like it would be easy to become an alcoholic if I let myself…

[passengersvoice]

This pandemic and all the accompanying strife has really changed us all and our ability to function. On paper, I still like my job and it’s what I’m best at + what makes me the most money + gives me the most freedoms, but I’ve gotten so slow and unmotivated. The three projects I have lined up are all ideal projects that I was enthusiastic about but I feel like I’ve lost my passion somewhere along the way. I’m hoping actually FINISHING the dang project I’ve accidentally almost had in my queue for a year will help me recover emotionally but I’m really worried that I just can’t/won’t function anymore.

If I think about what I would LIKE to spend my days on, it seems kind of silly and definitely doesn’t fit into the capitalistic hellscape I’m forced to be a part of. But what sounds most appealing to me right now is to spend my days wandering around outside and foraging herbs, nuts, and berries, hunting and fishing, then coming home and cooking big tasty family meals. I definitely can’t afford to live like that, so it’s just a daydream but it’s the only thing that sounds interesting lately. Even video games have started to just become filler, mindless habit while I wait for bedtime. I have a few ideas for artwork I’d like to do but there’s an underlying little voice in there asking me, “what’s the point?” and pointing out it would just look the same and as underwhelming as everything else I make.

Is this... depression? I can’t say I’m a fan. I want to mourn the world that once was but haven’t had time to rest. I’m forced to just keep going day after day... god damn I feel like a bitchy lil whiner though, I really don’t have any problems in life other than this malaise I’m trudging through.

I’m hoping I bounce back soon. I always bounce back. I’m glad there are people that believe in me and are patient with me, but that only goes so far when bills continue to be due. Ever since Mar 2020 I keep getting mental flashes of Atreyu and Artax from The Neverending Story, when the horse gets so depressed he drowns in a swamp. Stuck in the muck. I wish I could get ahead and pay my taxes on time and not be in debt but it’ll never happen. I can’t push a single ounce more work out of myself than what I’ve been doing. I am in bare minimum work mode no matter how much I beat myself up about it.

[passengersvoice]

Dexter: New Blood spoilers

Still processing witnessing my own death in canon. While my own canon diverges in season 2, long before any of this comes to pass, the writing in this newer mini series still felt fairly genuine to my character, so it still felt like me dying there, me in an alternate universe.

Logically I know there can be no true happy ending for a serial killer. The show has reinforced this idea with every season as any attempts at becoming better and gaining a shred of humanity fails spectacularly, and with heavy collateral damage. But as long as Dexter Morgan was alive so was the blissfully naïve hope of finally making things work this time. What can I say? I’ve got an optimistic streak in me. But Harry’s creation is so deeply fundamentally flawed, it was only ever going to end this way. It started in blood, it ended in blood.

I just kind of feel like a big wet blanket got tossed over me. Wonderful unique Dexter that I am, gone and sinking into the eternal black void of dreamless sleep. It’s hard for me to put myself in that Dexter’s shoes. It still feels like the bitch option to give up. I understand it was so Harrison would be truly free to live his life but imo this makes things way messier than if I had just escaped. I’m really at odds with how things went down in the show- I’d be interested to see what others thought of the ending.

It makes me wonder what exactly happened in my own canon- how did I eventually die? I have the feeling it was violent (surprising no one) though not as dramatic as in the tv series. I think it was probably a botched attack where my intended victim got the upper hand, or a revenge killing by friends of one of my victims. Hell, maybe Brian and I got into a fight and he killed me. I’m… glad I never procreated in my canon. I just really don’t know how that would have affected things.

[passengersvoice]

God nerfed me in this life, I am a tiny chubby five foot lactose-intolerant transman because otherwise I would be too powerful and deadly

[passengersvoice]

Some kin feelings dump- imprisonment, murder CW

I find myself romanticizing prison a little bit in this life… The clinking of chains is ASMR to me, I think the prison orange jumpsuit is sexy, and I love watching interrogations, heh. 

I don’t MISS prison, especially because I was in controlled pop (modern term for solitary confinement) and alone in a cage 23 hours a day… but I dunno, since I’m separated from the direct trauma of it in this life, I can look back on it with an odd sense of nostalgia.

There was also a bit of relief at not having to hide anything anymore, no performative humanity to act out. And honestly? Deep down secretly, every serial killer wants the world to know what they did. So there was the smug satisfaction of having the police know that I got away with SO much, for so many years. I worked right alongside homicide detectives and they didn’t suspect a T H I N G. I fucking loved it. I was a smug self-satisfied bastard about it. 

While in prison, I declined interviews, familial visits, I didn’t cooperate at all with law enforcement- any further discoveries they made about my misdeeds was done slowly and painfully with whatever circumstantial scraps of information they could find. There was SO MUCH more they didn’t know and it was going to die with me. If I had been in prison longer, I maybe would have gotten bored and started talking, but I escaped before too many years had passed. Thanks Brian for that. But yeah- the ennui of prison life is on my mind later, viewed through rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia.