patrickstjames

[patrickstjames]

On another note, I feel a vent coming on. And I want to hopefully help others with this. I know younger me really struggled with this. If you are stuck in the mindset that people can't change, I know I have changed, strengthened and grown so much as a person. I used to completely cutthroat. 'You hurt me, I hurt you'. You couldn't even budge my opinion, and self reflection wasn't a thing. I was completely reactive. It was shoot, fire and carry on. And I really didn't like myself or respect myself. Infact I hated who I was, and who I could be, when I was hurting, and didn't know how to process it. I would be in emotional pain almost constantly. And I just didn't get it. I would lash out on my body, like it was nothing. Alot of that was about guilt, and I may have not understood this then, but I know this now. Guilt on how I was hurting people around me, closest to me, and I took those close to me for granted sometimes. I was guilty about how I was neglecting myself, too. I knew things were not right, and refused to acknowledge this most of the time. I may still struggle with being kind to myself sometimes still today, but it's much easier when you are honest with yourself. No one is perfect and that is totally okay. Just own your shit. I know so many others will relate to this. Try and have that outlook for others too. Humans make mistakes, and we CHOOSE to learn or keep making those mistakes. Be kind to yourself and others. It's so important. Be true to yourself and others. Don't let nasty energy keep festering.🖤

[patrickstjames]

10,284 not dead

[patrickstjames]

🐨

Trust issues doesn't only translate as 'not letting your guard down' or not being able to trust easily, or not having the strength to trust at all, it's also not having a wall up to protect yourself, 'trying to fill an empty void', and trusting too much.

[patrickstjames]

A spider was hanging out on my pillow and touched my face while trying to sleep, already having a shite time relaxing my manic fuckery brain SOOO chances are slim I will be getting much sleep. Why are spiders so rude? Why is cold turkey called cold turkey? ❄🦃 I wonder what Jude Law is up to right now. How much would it suck, if you were given the ultimatum, to save a loved ones life, you had to bite into a lego block until you broke through. Like it wouldn't be possible and that makes me really upset. The sound of traffic outside in the distance is usually so peaceful to me, but tonight it's like nails on a chalk board. Don't be a PJ. PJ is silly and thinks one, it's smart to suddenly stop your ADs without consulting a doctor, and two, thinks it's totally fine and helpful to use FB as a journal. Also my valium is doing fuck all for me tonight, or yesterday infact, just leave me with a 'hangover' brain fog all day the next day and I want to punch whoever invented valium in the mouth. I'm sure they are/were lovely people, but probably not actually. So fuck you Valium human. But thanks sometimes. Not today though. 😗

[patrickstjames]

I had this book as a child. Some real shit.

My father in law’s grandmother have him this book on Christmas Day, 1937. From Wikipedia:

Der Struwwelpeter (1845) (or Shockheaded Peter) is a German children’s book by Heinrich Hoffmann. It comprises ten illustrated and rhymed stories, mostly about children. Each has a clear moral that demonstrates the disastrous consequences of misbehavior in an exaggerated way. The title of the first story provides the title of the whole book.

[patrickstjames]

[patrickstjames]

[patrickstjames]

if you’re ever scared you’re not a good person, remember that bad people don’t care about being better 

[patrickstjames]

[patrickstjames]

The Shining (1980) dir. Stanley Kubrick

[patrickstjames]

lingering feeling

[patrickstjames]

[patrickstjames]

[patrickstjames]

UNDERCOVER FW17

[patrickstjames]

[patrickstjames]

[patrickstjames]

over and over

I want to feel something. I want to feel like someone. I want to feel like I'm someones something. If you haven't felt the same at one point, you're a stone cold liar. This is shit. But it's real. And it's a head fuck. My current issue is people in general. Trusting a person is like trusting the sun not to burn you when you're in full exposure. And wanting to be burnt, to feel. But dreading the fact, you're going into the warmth and comfort of the sun, enjoying sharing energies, and without realizing you are going to be left raw and in pain. Burnt. But a fast reflect. And doing it all over again. I have a longing feel the warmth. Warmth. Over and over, and over again.