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Ah, I get it. Gustong gusto niyo talaga malaman lahat no? Di niyo ako titigilan? Hanggang dito pa talaga?? HAHAHAHHAHAHA

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Oct. 17, 2017

It's sad that out of all my friends, only one bothers to ask me how my day went, if I'm still alive, how am I doing etc. I am still so thankful because there's still one person that I could trust and open up to no matter how random or mema my story gets. I know that everyone's busy on their lives and I don't want to oblige them to make time to me but it disappoints me so much that they can't even say hi to me. Like I'm always the first one to check on them. It depresses me because aside from being the one who got separated, I haven't felt their effort to reach out to me. I feel so outdated and I feel like they don't need me. Ever since, I'm always the first one to make a move. I don't want to regret everything that I've done/made/bought for them because they deserve it. I love them and I don't care how expensive or time consuming it may be. But in the end, I got nothing in return. Every time someone's birthday is near, I think it's already part of our best friend tradition to plan a surprise no matter how small or big it is, as long as there's one. On my 18th, I was really expecting something but I hope I didn't got my hopes up in the first place. When it's their birthday, there's always a secret group chat where we'd organize our plans for the upcoming surprise. Maybe I only got 4 memorable birthdays, 1st is my 7th where my grandparents prepared for it, next is my 12th or 13th (?) Where my mom prepared and invited a lot of close friends & relatives, next is when my friends & best friends surprised me for the first time in school, and lastly when I turned 16 where I got to celebrate & surprised by my friends, club members & the kids. Small things matters to me. It could make me extremely happy or sad. I've always wanted to feel special because there's no one here to remind me that I am. All I got here is myself. Whenever I'm sad, I cry and cry and cry until I'm okay. Because there's no one here to comfort me, got no shoulder to cry on, no one's telling me that everything is gonna be fine etc. Like as much as I want to open up, I just prefer to keep it all to myself. I don't want to sound needy of their time. I know I'm kinda immature in that part but what can I do? The supposed to be friends that I was expecting to be there for me are busy with their own lives. If you get to read this, and I'm gone, firstly, I'm sorry. Sorry that I had to take my own life. Sorry that I couldn't make any memories with you anymore. Sorry I couldn't laugh & joke with you just like the old times. I know that one of our biggest goals is to become successful and to travel the world, and I'm sorry I couldn't be present anymore. Sorry for being weak. I know this isn't part of our best friend rule, but I hope you'd get to understand each other. Make time for each other. Because those are the strongest things that could strengthen our friendship. Never let someone feel like they're not a part of our circle because it hurts, you know? Like your presence isn't valued enough. Never let a member to feel bad for a very long time. Reach out to them and no matter how hard it may be for them to open up, please do understand. We're not just best friends here, but a family. I love you all dearly. To Louise, thank you. Thank you for coming into my life. I wasn't expecting you to become one of my closest friends because to be honest, I was afraid of trusting you first but look at us now? ❤ 8m sorry I couldn't make it to our supposed to be photoshoots, our supposed to be coffee dates, our supposed to be gym sessions and a lot more. I hope you'd become a successful bitch someday because despite for being lazy, I know youd never let your dreams to slip away. I love you To all my friends who tried to reach out to me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for pushing you all away. I'm sorry for ignoring your help. Im sorry if I made you feel useless. You are not. Thank you for the effort. I'm sorry if you have thought "ano ba to dito na nga ako, ayaw parin mag open up" you can get mad at me for this, though. It's all my fault. The blame is all on me. Im sorry & y'all are appreciated ❤ To all my friends that made me smile & made my stomach hurt from laughing, you guys are the best. That kind of therapy is all I needed. Im sorry if you get embarrassed if I laugh every time y'all are with me in public. As what I've said, small things means a lot to me. Thank you, I wish you all the happiness in life. To all my friends that I had small talk with, how are you? I am thankful for friends that I got to share stories like you. You don't know me, I don't know you, yet, we already shared smiles & chitchats. Wherever y'all are, I hope y'all are doing good. To all my friends that helped me at school, I supper looooove you all. If weren't for u guys, I don't know how I could survive school. To all my friends who considered me as their friend only when it beneficial for them, fuck you all. To all my friends that I've pushed away, I'm soooo sorry. I don't mean to hurt you guys. I am still thankful for you ❤ thanks for putting up with me & for not letting me slip away that fast. In that way, I felt kinda guilty for spacing out and lucky as well because I met someone like you. Thank you! I love you To all my suicidal friends, sorry for giving up. I know I told you guys to be strong and to hold on because everything will get better soon. Here here you are reading my letter. Im sorry. Please be strong. You are special, you are worth it, you are lived, you are more than the words being thrown at you. It just happened that I drowned in them. No one saved me because I refused to be saved. I didn't let anyone know about my situation and I hope you wouldnt follow what I did. To all my friends that I answered "I'm okay" even though I'm not, I'm sorry. Sorry for lying. I really am not and I'm very far from okay. To all my ninongs & ninangs, im kinda upset. You never bothered giving me gifts anymore. Time passed by so fast, but I am still that Eia you promised you'd guide and take care of. But y'all were nowhere to be found. But anyway, thanks for attending the day I was baptised. To my grandparents, I love love love you both so dearly. You deserve the world, the moon and all of the stars, if only I could give them to you. Thank you for being my second parent and for making sure that I have all the best things in life. When in fact, it doesn't really matter. As long as I have you both, I am contented. I want to make you proud but I guess I couldn't make it anymore. You are the best blessing that God has given me. I love you both dearly.

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Oct. 21, 2017

Got so many "sana" in my mind but I lost hope in fulfilling all of them. Sana may magsulat rin ng poem para sakin, sana someone would tell how special I am to them through their own way, sana someone would make this for me and a lot more. I disregarded all of these because at the moment, I just want a simple "kamusta" coming from them. I'm feeling less important to everyone since I went here in Manila. I know that everyone is busy with their own lives but I couldn't help but miss them and their company. Sorry for being clingy and all though. I've been so attached to my friends since they're all I'm counting on & my source of happiness. I've thought once that o still should consider myself lucky because in this shitty life, I have them. Thank you for being part of it though. Obviously I could feel a huge gap between us and I couldn't help but to cry. I think I just lost them. My goal best friends got no time for me. A day is composed of 24 hours and they couldn't even give me a minute. I hope that by not having enough time with me, they'll get used of not having me around. I just want to be gone

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Jan 5, 2018

I hate my life so much? I hate the fact that I'm not free to do what I want to do. My father blames me for not socializing enough with them. He gets mad at me everytime that happens. I don't understand whats the point of saying "mag open up ka sakin kasi magkakampi tayo" when in fact, the blame is always on me. Tanginang buhay to. They could've at least gave me a real sibling so that I wouldnt be this lonely. He loves his reputation so much. He values his image more than my feelings. HE WANTS ME TO FULLY ACCEPT THEM IN MY LIFE RIGHT AWAY BUT THE THING HERE IS, HE DIDNT BOTHER ASKING ME IF I WANT OR I WOULD AGREE ON HIS DECISIONS. NOT THAT 8M NOT THANKFUL BUT AT LEAST HED STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. AND STOP BLAMING ME FOR NOT ACTING THE WAY HE WANTS ME TO. BECAUSE I DIDNT SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT.

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so kelan magkakaroon ng lugar mga gusto at ayaw ko? Ayaw nila sa madami/magulo, pinapa adjust ako. Ayaw nila naka patay yung ilaw kapag gabi, so ako magtitiis hanggang anong oras kahit di ako makatulog agad. Ayaw nila ganito ganyan, konting sumbong lang, ako naman tapos pagsasabihan at mag aadjust. Mga puta kayo. Gusto ko lang humiwalay sa into kasi napaka toxic niyo sakin. I can't bear with u everyday. Lagi nalang ako nagdadalawang isip sa gagawin. I am lazy. And I hate how I had to fix my stuffs just because "nakakahiya" sa into. Fuck it. I didnt wish to be part of your life anyway.

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napaka insensitive ng mga tao us2 q na mamatay

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ayoko na wala na kong gana mabuhay lately

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I feel bad for being harsh and for being a bad daughter. I feel like im an orphan now. I wanna thank tita leah for being there for him. Thank you for all the help and sacrifices. I feel awful for myself i am such a trash

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I miss my papa na

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My life is so fucked up.

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I feel sorry for being a bad daughter

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42217 - 10:13 am, im still alive.

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Walang nag mamahal sakin :(((((((

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TO MY FRIENDS, ALL OF YOU ARE MY HAPPINESS. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME REALIZE THAT LIFE SOMETIMES COULD BE LIGHT ON ME. YOU ARE THE REASON WHY I COULD STILL MANAGE TO SMILE DESPITE ALL THE BULLSHITS THAT IM EXPERIENCING. SORRY IF I HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG. SORRY IF IVE SPACED OUT FROM A LOT OF YOU. SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. TO MY BESTFRIENDS, I AM VERY SORRY FOR BEING QUIET ABOUT THIS. NOT THAT I DONT TRUST YOU BUT I THINK ITS REALLY MY FAULT IF YOUD GET UPSET BECAUSE I KEPT ALL OF THIS TO MYSELF. I AM SORRY FOR NOT SHOWING YOU HOW VULNERABLE I AM AS A PERSON. SORRY FOR SHOWING YOU A STRONG AND HAPPY FACADE. SORRY FOR MAKING YOU THINK THAT I AM TOTALLY FINE. SORRY FOR TELLING YOU THAT IM FINE AS YOU ASK ME WHATS WRONG WITH ME. SORRY THAT I HAVENT LET YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATED MY LIFE. I LOVE EACH OF YOU. I JUST FEEL BAD FOR MYSELF LIKE MAN, MY LIFE SUCKS BUT THANK GOD I HAVE ALL OF YOU. THANK YOU FOR HEARING ALL MY RANTS OUT. THANK YOU FOR I AM STILL A PART OF THE FUTURE YOURE IMAGINING, YOU ARE IN MINE TOO. I APPRECIATE EVERY LITTLE THING THAT YOUVE DONE FOR ME. ALL YOUR HUGS AND KISSES, YOUR CONCERNS, THE WAY YOU NAG, THE WAY WE BITCH ABOUT SOMEONE, THE WAY WE PLAN THINGS OUT, THE WAY WE BOND, THE WAY WE TRY TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN, THE WAY WE PARTY, THE WAY WE CRY AND MAKE UP THE NEXT DAY, THE WAY WE JOKE AROUND, THE WAY WE WATCH MOVIES TOGETHER, AND A LOT MORE. I MISSED ALL OF THAT. I MISSED ALL OF YOU. I MAY HAVE MET NEW FRIENDS BUT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE BEST FOR ME. WE MAY HAVE A LITTLE TIME TO BOND AND CATCH UO WITB EACH OTHER, MY ONLY WISH IS FOR US TO STAY STRONG AND NOT TO CHANGE. IF I DIE, I WILL UNDERSTAND IF YOULL GET MAD AT ME. BUT PLEASE DO VISIT MY GRAVE BECAUSE ILL BE MISSING YOU. EVENTHIUGH I AM DEAD, I WILL KEEP MY PROMISE THAT I WILL STILL LISTEN TO YOU. YOU CAN CRY AS HARD AS YOU CAN AS YOU RANT ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. I AM SORRY IF I COULDNT HUG YOU ANYMORE. SORRY IF I COULDNT KISS YOU ANYMORE. SORRY IF I COULD TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU AND I WILL BE WITH YOU AS YOU ARE STRUGGLING. SORRY FOR GIVING UP FIRST. SORRY THAT I COULDNT BE A PART OF OUR FUTURE. SORRY THAT I COULDNT ACHIEVE MY GOALS WITH YOU. SORRY THAT WE COULDNT BE SUCCESSFUL TOGETHER. I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I HOPE YOU WOULDNT BE LIKE ME. WEAK AND SELFISH.I WANT YOU ALL TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPY. I LOVE YOU. I AM VERY SORRY.

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GAGO IN THE END AKO PA RIN MASAMA. HAVENT YOU THOUGHT NA ANG DAMI DAMI DAMI MONG PAG KUKULANG SAKIN AND ALL YOU DID WAS TO PUT THE BLAME ON ME AND I HATE MY LIFE AND EVERYONE ELSE.

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April 19, 2017 The truth will never set u free. Its better to keep everything to yourself. It wasnt really a good idea telling my father what i really feep inside because in the end he is still selfish and inconsiderate. I feel bad for my self for being an ungreatful daughter. I really want to die because i am not happy with my life. No one will ever ever ever understand me. No one loves me. I hate myself as well. Fuck you all. I know that I dont deserve all the happiness in this world but im only asking for a little.

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Putangina gusto ko na mamatay. Gusto mo perfect eh hayup gago ka bigyan kita perfect na bangkay ko. Tangina