peachwhorerant - Tumblr blog

[peachwhorerant]

Monday August 31, 202

9:30 PM

I haven't used this account in forever, I totally forgot that it existed but I just needed to put all of well right now is insecurities because im just feeling bad about myself. 

TW/ Weight / ED symptoms 

This quarantine has been so bad for me I haven't weighed myself but I gained so much weight my clothes don’t fit me the same anymore and I started throwing up because I dont know what to do like I just feel so badly about myself. I put on shorts I haven't worn since march and they fit me so horribly. My stomach rolls and I can feel the rolls like I hadn't before and it just feels disgusting, looking at my body makes me feel disgusting, I hate showering because I have look at myself and touch myself like its so bad putting these shorts on makes me feel because they're so tight I have a roll of fat thats under my boobs that is just so fucking gross and like I dont know how to put into words just how much I hate my body and so I haven't been eating as much and I throw up but I dont know what to do to lose weight my thighs are huge and my calves are too and its just I feel like crying just writing this down because I hate everything about myself I dont even know what ive written its just I dont know how to cope I dont know what to do I just felt like I needed to put this anger I have towards myself somewhere and no one knows about this place and if anything happened I dont think anybody would be able to find it 

[peachwhorerant]

tuesday april 9, 2018

11:53 pm 

hi im at a hotel right now because im on a trip visiting colleges in northern california which is a really cool opportunity it is something i hadn’t gotten before, so far we’ve visited 4 and tomorrow we have 2 more to go. its been really fun im getting close to the people from my school and even the people from other schools, cla**** is here and its really good to see him and talk to him because i missed him and its just really been a while. I got to talk to people from se** and cen**** and theyre pretty cool i dont want to write too much because its late and my roommates probably want to sleep so im trying to be quiet but these buttons are so freakin loud. i’ll write more later but quick my berkeley gear is so cute

[peachwhorerant]

monday march 18, 2019

6:49 pm

hello now its really been a while. i really wanted to write on friday but i was just really tired and overwhelmed. last week was really tiring i had a bun h of tests and im getting tired and everything freaking sucks and i hate writing stuff like this but its just how it feels at sometimes. anyways i have a trip in like 2 weeks i have decided that every place i visit every campus or store if i can im gonna buy a pin, i like my backpack but i think i have to clean it if i want to keep using it. its a nice backpack but idk it just i feel like i could make it better. last year i bought a patch while i was on catalina island i met a lot of really cool and special kids and i am really happy that i got the experience because these kids have to go through a lot of things, i just want them to be alright. well today i got the chance talk to talk to d**** for a little bit and it was nice i miss talking to him its just a little awkward and i appreciate him a lot i want the best for him and i know he wants the same for me. bless his soul also he made me feel better about not getting the internship but hes still cheering me on, i want to try to be more involved in key club because if its really as good as they make it seem i want to try it yaknow. i dont really have a plan for what im writing so this has been a mess but i do have to talk to my mom for like our tax returns and stuff because i need for an application im doing. well im really tired, track practice was rough with all the heat and the wind so i feel worn out im gonna work on that application and review for chem. alrighty bye 

[peachwhorerant]

thursday march 7, 2019

7:03 pm

hi its been a while, well its been 6 days since my last post but i really wanted to post daily if i remembered I was too lazy nd for most of the days i was just too tired to do anything about the situation. since my streak thingy is gone i might as well do something else and post multiple times a day. before opening tumblr i was gonna take my notebook out but this is a much faster method of letting my feelings out. quick shoutout to the person who reblogged my last post with this really sweet and positive note thank you for caring im feeling much better and i will be better i know that

i am strange in that i hate dwelling in the past, and i dont mean that in the omg im so quirky im not like other girls kind of way i mean it in that when i fail when i get rejected i hate it it really sucks definitely but ive realized the only thing you can do after you’ve felt bad about yourself for a moment is just pick yourself right back up. there is so much that i know i can do if people have given me opportunities up to this point why won’t more help me. it sucks and i really wanted that internship but i gotta roll with the punches and find something else to do because i really have no other choice and thats the tea you know. 

i threw over the weekend on saturday there was a meet at portola and i did better than i thought it was a really fun day even though i got soaked and everything i had with me did too, andrew made it really fun and im extremely grateful for him honestly if it werent for andrew i think the past week would have seriously sucked so thank you for existing and being my friend. also the spin that my coach has temporarily named after me until he finds the name is coming out better, i feel way more comfortable doing it and if i can just get it down the middle i could be throwing maybe eighty feet which is sooo cool. 

this one has been a little long and there is still lots more i want to say but this was good i feel better a little stressed for my chem test tomorrow and my calc test next week but nervous energy isnt always a bad thing it can be a hell of a motivator, im going to work on my essay for ylc now buhbye, 

[peachwhorerant]

friday march 1, 2019

9:43 pm

i cried a lot today i wanted to cry in front of my mom i thought maybe it would help me feel better it honestly really hasnt i feel pretty bad about myself. she told me it was my fault for not applying to other programs that i have to grow up that crying isnt going to solve anything and that i have to move on. these arent my decisions to make? that its my fault if i dont do anything this summer? my parents are the reason im this way with stupid expectations of myself i actually think im smart sometimes or that im special and im so sick and tired of it

im so tired of never being good enough, that im forget-able im never anyones first choice im just the oh i guess so or she seems nice 

i got rejected by not only one but two summer programs do you know how pathetic i felt when the director went around the room telling the girls that had applied for girls state, talking about their summer plans, I felt worthless so humiliated and useless all of them, im just as qualified and capable but there i was easily dismissed and cast aside.

now i have to deal with my grades that exam likely brought my grade down a lot and all my other grades are falling, i feel so trapped and there are so many more things that i feel on my chest and in my heart but theyre just leaving me the minute i sit down to write. 

my dad called me and the two little ones into his room he gave us money gave us the speech about being the best about how hes going to prove to people he doesnt need a son he told us his goals and what he wants he told us that im not missing anything that there should be no excuses for being the best he just reminds me of how undeserving and ungrateful i am, here i am losing opportunites and not being good enough but i have everything i need to be the best and i just am not  love this feeling so much

ive gotten so good at pretending im not crying that my emotions change very quickly within minutes and i hate it 

[peachwhorerant]

thursday february 28, 2019

time: 5:26 pm 

ive been crying and on the verge of tears all of today and i feel like its for a number of reasons. i am just so tired of being a god damn idiot i cant believe i ever thought i had a chance at getting that internship i feel so stupid and sad and everything feel slike its going to shit i really wanted to do this i really wanted to get the opportunity to learn in an environment like that and now i cant a*** got in and i cant help but feel hurt and sad and i just i really wanted this and now i dont get it. there was so much i wanted to do and i feel like im not going to be able to do it. all these jobs and internships require previous knowledge and experience but if none of them give me a chance where am i supposed to get it. 

i know its not just the fact that im not getting the internship its that i didnt apply to a bunch of other stuff because i thought i could get it i genuinely hoped and believed that I would have the opportunity. but now im left without it i dont know what im going to do i dont have a plan for the summer and if i dont do it my resume and applications are going to suffer and i just feel so overwhelmed and sad and i keep remembering how i was freshman year and all the things i could have done better during my application and my interview and i hate myself i want to tell my mom and just cry my sad little heart out but in all honesty im absolutely terrified and i know what shes going to tell me shes going to tell me the same thing she tells me everytime that i fail so im sorry im sad and angry and im so scared and i just feel a lot right now so much that its paralyzing im scared and ashamed that i let my family and friends down

i just want to cry i want to cut to a moment in my klife where im actually happy and enjoying myself without all the fear and worry ive conditioned myself into feeling  

[peachwhorerant]

why im here i guess

heres the reason i made another whole ass blog and that is I value anonymity and because i received some disappointing news today that just filled me up with so much sadness, frustration, and humiliation. 

its not like I am not used to all these feelings usually i just write them down, but i am only human and my hands hurt after only a page. i started journaling i guess when i was in 8th grade i’ve done it on and off since then i will go months without writing anything down and completely kill my wrists when trying to summarize. 

i want to remember what i feel, reflect on all the dumb stuff that goes on with me because i will remain unknown. i understand why people hide behind their screens i suppose now i do it too but for me this is an escape where i don’t plan on hurting anybody or mention names because i dont find it fair

well heres a little about me 

1. im 16 i turn 17 in august whoop

2. im a junior in highschool so grade 11

3. im one of those ap kids

4. i have sports and other programs that i involve myself with

5. i’ve spent my entire life inside my own head and so there maybe several brain dumps

6. i like writing, i’ve always liked writing but ive never given myself the opportunity to explore that part of my life 

7. i dont know what i want or who i am or where i am going and i have several concerns