#imma go

[mbrainspaz]

I wasn't one of those evangelical kids who got caught up in the emotions of the camp devotionals. I never really cared about the rapture, or death in general. Much less eternal life. The reason I stuck around all the way through college was because I trusted the family and friends who taught me all the bible stuff. They always told me not to trust them, so that one's on me.

They always said, "Don't take my word for it, read the scripture! Do your own studying!" I said to myself, "yeah yeah, cool. In theory. I can't read aramaic or ancient greek though, and I don't really want to spend years in school learning that. It's much more practical to have all these people I know I can trust because they're such good people who clearly have my best interests at heart."

Then I went to a bible college. For an art degree, but they still made me take a bible class every semester. Between meeting esteemed bible scholars and historians in universities on the other side of the world who did know ancient greek aaaaaaand becoming distanced from my old communities, I finally did what they'd always told me to do: I did my own studying. I never learned much ancient greek but learning how to do academic research helped a lot.

Wouldn'tchaknowit—my findings vastly expanded my knowledge from what I'd been taught as a kid. At that point in my early 20's I didn't feel betrayed. What I thought I'd discovered were earnest mistakes! An honest lack of understanding from folks who hadn't had the privilege of traveling and studying the way I had. I was happy to bring what I'd learned back home to them, and embark on new adventures in learning together.

Only one... little... problem. Turns out none of them wanted that.

They didn't want to hear about the fascinating history of biblical mistranslations or cultural analysis of American evangelicalism and how it relates to feminism. They didn't want to learn about the history of other world religions like Buddhism and the interesting parallels with Abrahamic religions. They didn't want to believe queer people aren't explicitly condemned by scripture or that the 2000 year old book they worship might not actually contain a fail-safe blueprint for life in the 21st century. They didn't want think about how much of the bible might've been tacked on by scholars & kings who used it as a tool for social control. I still believed in god and called myself a Christian at this point, after all that. I lost my faith in the people first. I opened my eyes and saw it all. I saw too much.

Any time I tried to share what I'd learned or gently push back against their teachings their condemnation was immediate and absolute. It quickly became clear that what 'studying scripture' meant to them was only ever, "we'll tell you what it means, and you'll believe us." Any deviation from their 'interpretation'—now plainly revealed to me as patriarchal 1950's American traditionalism dressed up in middle eastern farmer's robes and doing a VBS play production of an ancient culture they knew frighteningly little about—only branded me as a disrespectful dissident. I also saw Christians I'd respected doing all manner of dishonorable things. A missionary who'd once nearly convinced me to work with him in South America sent me a horrifically islamophobic manifesto. Church elders admitted to me that they owned city slums. Outwardly perfect couples filed for divorce. Bit by bit it wore down my trust. It broke the illusion that Christianity offered any kind of exclusive merit or made anybody better somehow. I started to realize they were all just as flawed and fallible as any 'sinner' off the street. Of course they were all quick to say 'we have all fallen short of the grace of God!'—but what's the point, then? These people I'd trusted with my soul were quick to admit that they shouldn't be trusted... then turn around and insist that they still knew what was best for me and my life.

Over the next few years it got to the point that they as good as told me to my face that the only way I could keep being part of their community was if I shut up and conformed to exactly what they believed. I almost could've put up with it except that that tacitly included being good christian wife with 2.5 kids who votes republican, lives in the suburbs, and goes to Wednesday night bible study to listen to some local septuagenarian who never set foot in seminary school teach me a moral lesson from the same damn book every week.

Like hell.

It became painfully clear they'd never truly cared about what was good for me or what would actually make me happy. Once I realized the horrible truth of my situation I only stuck around so long because I didn't want to rock the boat. I always liked the singing, and the sexist jokes from the pulpit were a decent conversation starter for whenever I wanted to try another assault on the fortress of my parents' ignorance. One day during Sunday morning song service my dad saw me reading a book in my lap. He leaned over and angrily said, "If you're only here for me, don't bother." So I stood up and walked out.

Never been back.

God and I were always chill, from the start to the end. We get into some heated moral arguments and sometimes we debate whether gods even exist, but what else are gods for? It's the worshipers who worry me.

[lixzwithapen]

[Midnight madness]

Who's to say

Who's okay?

Who's to claim

Who's insane?

Am I lying

To myself?

Am I trying?

This is hell

Designed

Just for me

Cant forget

What's to be

Am I blind?

Can I see?

They're my kind

Those who cant

Unwind

Those stuck

With no luck

Shunned

Silenced

Stunned

By them

Never safe

Cant erase

This doubt

I scout

For my people

For my kin

For those who sin

Just to escape

What's within

It's a fine line

It could be

So much more

I could be

Better than this

At the core

I'm just

A force

Of course

Scared

Of it all

Tear

At the walls

It calls

I fall

Is it me again?

You're not my friend

So they come

For me

I lend

My spirit

My body

To something

Unknown

To someone

Who owns

My very being

I cant stop seeing

You

What could I do?

It just grew

And grew

A seed

So small

Now standing

Tall

Towering over

Life itself

Taking over

Light

Just pain

Nothing to

Gain

Ingrained

I was trained

For this

I'm his

[thenightmareofyourdrems]

|| Ι’ve been going through my aladdin phase for 2 weeks save me

[moghedien]

Lae’zel is killing me because she’s like such a freak in so many ways and like we literally beat the shit out of each other and she’s so fucking into it and horny about it and I can push her down in the middle of camp after and just make out with her in the mud and blood from our fight in the middle of camp, and she is like soooo into it

But I ask her to just kiss me in public and she’s like “no I’m shy” and immediately turns into this 🥺

I love her

[inspirational-studios]

We indulge in a wee bit of tomfoolery

[torifuckingspring]

i hate myself so much there is this guy that i kinda want to be friends with because he looks really cool but im so fucking WEIRD about it like i can't even talk to him or whatever and my friends are like pretty much friends with him or like on talking manners or whatever and i'm pretty sure he dislikes me i talked to him once only to ask him if he watched a movie he looked like he'd like but it was so awkward that i zoned out and i can't even remember if he was annoyd

also i keep accidently making eye contact with him and he thinks im staring at him

[rblbler]

In case any of y'all where looking for a jersey that isn't ~100€ ! This one is currently for sale at 44€ 👍

https://www.redbullshop.com/en-int/p/Men/RBL-Nike-Away-Jersey-22-23/RBL22004/?preselectedVariant=M-158471

[thepriceofsurvival]

This is very unfinished but I needed everyone to see the vision I had

[yhwcomeback]

The Master of Water. "Ninjago Nya the Master of Water" Poster for Sale by Yhwcomeback | Redbubble

[mono-chrono]

I know I haven’t posted in a while, so take some Ruby drip

The fact that is is the same character like a year and a half apart makes me chuckle

[lixzwithapen]

I'm so smoll

And scared

I don't Want to

I cant

I don't wanna

Smoll boi rn

Need love

Just fing hold me

I'm scared

[shatouto]

i've seen a poll about gale and anders but i feel like this one is a more difficult one to answer

[miscgifsgifs]

"Josie..."

[hell0mega]

I'm very normal about the fact that Crowley said he "didn't really fall" that he "sauntered vaguely downwards" and being damned is "not so bad once you get used to it" but then also when he's lamenting alone talking to god he says "i only ever asked questions" "that's all it took to be a demon" and then when he's alone drinking and grieving over his murdered best and only friend he says he "never wanted to be a demon" and that he "took a million light year fall into a pool of boiling sulphur" I'm normal about the fact that he lies to Aziraphale about how badly he feels about being a demon

[torifuckingspring]

i love sleeping. it feels so good. sleeping is the best feeling in the entire world. but why do i only get four hours of it a night? that doesn't sound fair. mental illness you fuck

[oswlld]

oscar award winner michelle yeoh saying no woman should believe she is past her prime is healing something in me rewiring something no one speak to me