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Watchalong: Soul Hunter

Kendra:

I'm going to watch ... SOUL HUNTER

NO...don't fire your REAR ENGINES to slow down

Ooh sexy Obama doctor

Complete with eyebrow waggle

Discoooooo jump out of hyperspace

Out of controoooool

I just noticed the giant preying mantis in the intro for the first time?

Tony:

who is clearly receiving an american express card

PRODUCT PLACEMENT

Kendra:

Data crystalsssss

Ooh commander has such a sexy voice for "first contact...I waaant it"

No no no don't move your ship that wayyyyy

Tony:

I am human. we are humans. welcome...to our station

*suggestive eyebrows*

*flounce*

Kendra:

Ooh he GRAPPLED that ship successfully

Why are the floors flat? Isn't the ship rotating to create artificial gravity? So ... round?

Tony:

it’s simply the illusion of flatness. the station is actually about 800,000 miles in diameter

Kendra:

"Shock-dot? Shock-dot?"

Yikes

That is a crushingly fast spin

Tony:

get ready for some intense overacting

they really needed some time to work things out in the beginning

Kendra:

Yeah the bald headgear woman is giving me whiplash

Tony:

Delenn. who I promise becomes less excruciating

unlike, say, Garibaldi

Kendra:

I'm only here for her popcorn frustration. Tell me she "eats" popcorn again

Tony:

I can’t swear to it

but she does eat other things?

ONSCREEN EVEN

and they are important things

and also maybe her enemies

Kendra:

Oh dear god

Does she pick them apart with her fingernails over cocktails with Garralousaldi?

Tony:

she’s too classy for that

not for cocktails

but for Garriscarii

Kendra:

The doctor. is he extra shiny for a reason?

Tony:

he just is

he is a statement of being

Kendra:

She was watching Donald Duck with him...why not drinks?

Tony:

wonderful being

Kendra:

Kniiiiife

Whoa that murderer has great hair

Creepy old man is creepy

Tony:

easy breezy beautiful I killed a girl

Kendra:

Quoting creepy things

Why does his head have mud flaps

"We are not thieves! We are parodies of holy men and shaman stereotypes!"

Oh I know what bothers me about him

He reads like an MFA student at a poetry reading

Particularly sex poems and nature profundities

Tony:

YES

he does

so much ardor. so much passion. such soul. it’s like william shatner.

Kendra:

William Shatner with mud flaps over his ears

Tony:

william ‘mudkip’ shatner

Kendra:

Flatter

*Flatner

Tony:

for some reason I think his nickname should be giggles

Kendra:

That's okay. Mine is goggles.

Tony:

both excellent choices for mr. I-have-bluetooth-in-my-forehead

Kendra:

I'm really disappointed it doesn't light up

Seems such a shame to leave a Logan's Run reference unturned

Tony:

it could also have made a fun sound

which they could’ve incorporated in his action figure if they made one

Kendra:

Nyyyyooom nyoooom

Tony:

missed opportunity, that

Kendra:

Why didn't they?

Tony:

oh, they made action figures

I have several

just none with sound

Kendra:

Bruce Boxleitner is supposed to show up eventually, right?

Ughhh

Tony:

oh yes oh yes. second season.

Kendra:

Good

He adorned "Tron Legacy" like a king

Tony:

and so shall he here

Kendra:

THE MUSIC

WHY

Tony:

to you remind you it’s there

Kendra:

oh no there is an orb

A floating orb

Oh god oh god

Tony:

HEY IN CASE YOU FORGOT I am the music which is made from someone beating up a synthesizer in a back alley

Kendra:

I just realized it looks like labia

The thing on his head

Tony:

he seems to be labiaoring under the delusion that it doesn’t

Kendra:

Ughhhhhh

Oh no a preying mantis with humanoid arms is leading the sexface holy man??

Tony:

a muppety praying mantis, thankyouverymuch

#makealiensmuppetsagain

Kendra:

Make coming around a corner dramatic again

Tony:

oh they’ll definitely do that

and then some

and the music will be there to remind you

Kendra:

MUDFLAPS TWO

Tony:

one does not simply walk around corners

Kendra:

one *poses* around corners

Why is GarshopsAldi not commander? He has a point about the commander being so heroic. The commander does like 90% of the protection of the ship

Station

Thing

Tony:

he really does. as much as Garybaldy is not my favorite character, he does get the best opportunities to show common sense and be logical. sometimes.

“well, Garibaldi kind of has a point”

that’s the show in a nutshell

Kendra:

*delivers monologue over unconscious body while staring off into the middle distance*

This guy is hardcore for a poetry major

MOOOOSIC

Tony:

because he just kinda straight up tortures Delenn here and idk no one really talks about it?

Kendra:

why don't they swap places? It would be more efficient

Tony:

I read that as “why don’t they swan places?"

and I thought OH BUT THEY DO

Kendra:

And it would ensure we never have to see gallaboldi eat, ever again

Tony:

eh I could get into it

Kendra:

What is he distilling

Her blood?

Tony:

he’s bleeding her like a pomegranate?

Kendra:

Soul juice doesn't feel right

Pomegranate doesn't bleed

Unless...crushed

Oh no he has a ... GUN

ARE THOSE ...

laser pointers?

Why is the commander alone???

Tony:

he’s going to remind you what points you need to remember for the exam

TO

DEATH

Kendra:

He has a phone!! Thing!!!

Just ask for directions already

Bloody useless men

Tony:

yup, that’s pretty much the show too

Kendra:

Murder babies are orbing

Tony:

murder babies gon fucking fuck you up, head labia man

Kendra:

Nooooo

Noooooo

His belly is glowing

Tony:

head labia man could also refer to the gynecologist in charge

Kendra:

Aw

Captain soft eyebrows the Dellem

It WAS blood

Tony:

he literally took like a whole leg’s worth of blood out of her

but she’s gonna fucking walk it off

Kendra:

Mmmm he really needs not to smile coyly

Tony:

because she is a BEAST

Kendra:

"I knew you would come"

Sexy eyes

She has killer eyeliner for a walking helmet

"Keyword search" no no nineties STAY DEAD

Tony:

one wears one’s best eyeliner when one is going to be bled to death and then eaten as a murder baby orb by a cosmic vacuum

Kendra:

"There's always time ..."

UNLESS YOU AIRED ON FOX

Was the second soul hunter even required, at all?

Tony:

nope

in my mind he was named steve

and he led a mediocre life

Kendra:

Cosmic baby bubble wrap

Those were empty Christmas tree ornaments weren't they

CUT TO BLACK

Tony:

probably. wouldn’t surprise me.

the whole episode can be distilled to one line

Delenn is on the Gray Council

DONE

Kendra:

Cool. Can't wait for episode 3. Since it's called "Born to the Purple" I'm going to take it that everyone is wearing togas. The whole episode. Just that, togas.

Tony:

you’re in for a pleasant surprise or a disappointment

[pebblevote]

Watchalong: Midnight on the Firing Line

Kendra:

Oh my god I forgot Abbylon 5 is so catty

ShaKHARRR ShaKHARRRR

*music clangs ominously in background*

"We should have wiped out your kind when we had the chance!"

"What happened? Run out of small children to butcher?"

Tony:

clanging ominously is 110% the right description for the background music

Kendra:

There is so much of it and all at the wrong times

Right now the commander looks constipated

Tony:

that’s his acting

Kendra:

He has very soft eyebrows

Tony:

and very expressive

of constipation

Kendra:

I like that Garibaldi has double Cruella hair.

And that he loses his fake Italian accent when he is being •serious•

"Only one thing matters, commander: BLOOD calls out for BLOOD"

Wait is that Garibaldi? I'm unstuck on names

Tony:

I think you’re thinking of Londo. Centauri? Big peacock hair?

Kendra:

Oh god yes

He, um, doesn't look like a person who should be making threats

Ooooh a flute nosed mystical giant crawdad!!

Tony:

that was my name in prison

Kendra:

Too much brocade

Londo has many bronze statues of featureless boobs with his hair

"If you stop by my room afterward, I'll show you my favorite ... thing ... in the universe. Okay, my second favorite ... thing."

Tony:

Garibaldi is a skeeve

but also Talia is flawless

Kendra:

Ooh San Diego got nuked??

She has great lipstick

"You want me ... you know where to find me." Sex lure or battle challenge?

Tony:

yes

haha, that’s all I can say, I��m afraid

Kendra:

I'm reading that as a flute nose crawdad yes

WHAT IS WITH THE GIANT BARE FOREHEAD FETISH ON THIS SHOW

pretty sure that astronaut fighter pilot dude is wearing gardening gloves

Tony:

gardening IN SPAAAAACE

Kendra:

Ooh space BETRAYAL

what a naughty nephew

There is a lot of boom boom and snide commentary in this space battle

*intense music*

Is he ... dismantling a bed? A lamp?

Tony:

*music crashes through your windshield and offers you a bigger dick*

Kendra:

But I'm Tatiana! I don't want Dick!

Tony:

he was dismantling a bed and a lamp!

and other stuff?

to make

wait for it

a tiny little watergun

Kendra:

Squish squish

"I understand better than you'll ever know!"

Tony:

is this the episode where Susan says that one candidate has no chin and his running mate has several chins? because that is one of my favorite lines ever

Kendra:

"The paperwork's a pain in the butt."

It is!

Data crystalsssss....

They just walked past the same big haired girl duo twice in the same hallway

Ooh Susan went to the Renaissance fair!

Tony:

I will say this: they put a lot of time into the B5 extras. and those extras WORKED. sometimes it’s fun to watch the background and just see the ridiculous faces and how many of the same people you see

Kendra:

Cuz we gotta go to werk werk werk

Tony:

those extras werk werk werk werk werk

Kendra:

Oh no the music

Ooh lipliner

Donald Duck??

That woman is so frustrated by popcorn

OH NO

"Cut the budget...protect earth cultures.."

WE HAVE A TRUMPKIN

and ... cut to credits

Tony:

yup. and here’s what drove me to pick up B5 just now: RAMPANT POPULISM that drives everything to the brink

cue credit crawl!

[pebblevote]

Infection (1.4)

Watch it or no? Nope. I’m doing this several days after I watched it and I already forgot it existed.

Keep reading after you watch, or whenever if you don’t.

WTF? This episode is kind of a waste. It’s too heavy-handed to really work (and later episodes explore its themes with more nuance, if I remember correctly), and none of the acting or writing or directing makes it compelling despite that. Skip. Nothing here matters later.

[pebblevote]

Born to the Purple (1.3)

Watch it or no? Yes, but only because I find it charming as hell. There’s no show arc stuff directly, but it does all connect later.

It’s kind of odd, it could be exploitative, it’s easy to read it negatively--but I can’t help it, I really like the Adira/Londo relationship. Fabiana Udenio is spot-on, and even in the third episode, it’s pretty easy to tell that Londo’s going to get really grating without some vulnerability. It was smart to do this episode early, though so much Londo (two focal episodes in the first three) definitely stretches things.

What is Vir playing?

Trakis is SUPER boring. It’s like the inspiration for his character, his costume, and his design was all just “beige.”

Susan’s dad! That’s the other thing I forgot about this episode. They really just beat Susan to hell at the beginning.

Ko D’Ath (official IMDB spelling, don’t yell at me) as G’Kar’s aide is underwhelming. Vir and Londo work well together. G’Kar needs someone with more energy.

Seriously, what is Vir playing?! This episode takes a promising debut and makes him seem like he’s nine years old. Maybe he is? Maybe Centauri age really quickly.

[pebblevote]

Soul Hunter (1.2)

Watch it or no? Yes-ish. It’s not super important, but it establishes a couple of things that’ll be important later. You won’t not get those things, but it’s helpful to see them ASAP and get into the show arc earlier.

Keep reading after you watch!

W. Morgan Sheppard, who plays the (first) soul hunter, is one of those guys you’re gonna recognize from somewhere. Look up his IMDB page!

Dr. Franklin: Swoon! He’s a sci-fi medical/science person who actually does more than wave blinking lights around and occasionally look baffled.

What I also dislike about this episode is that it’s the first indication that B5 doesn’t really know how to handle its ensemble. There were like five characters in this episode! C’mon, JMS. The cast is talented and this episode is slow as hell. Do more with it! (He will.)

Basically, what I get from this episode is that Delenn is some sort of specific important person to the Minbari. Of course, we could’ve gotten that in about five minutes without all the awkward torture stuff, but ... I guess they were still figuring it out.

[pebblevote]

Midnight on the Firing Line (1.1)

Okay, let’s assume you’re starting here. This is where you should start. “The Gathering” is worth watching later, but IMO it’s hella confusing if you start there. So....

Watch it or no? Oh, yeah. You have to start somewhere.

Keep reading after you watch!

Mostly character thoughts, since we’re meeting them for the first time:

Sincalir: I dunno, I thought Michael O’Hare was pretty okay as Sinclair (and apparently he wasn’t very highly regarded). Yeah, he doesn’t have a whole lot of emotional range, but I kinda thought that was a character choice.

Ivanova: I forgot how much we learn about her right off the bat. Awesome from the start! I noted this time she speaks pretty formally (not a lot of contractions), especially around Sinclair. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t last long.

Garibaldi: Ehhhhh. Cop stereotype in space. Kinda gets some range at the very  end in that charming little scene with Delenn, but somehow she says nothing and steals the scene.

Delenn: She doesn’t get much to do yet, but a WTF humans?! face is always fun.

Talia Winters: Why doesn’t Ivanova like her? What can she do as a telepath? How is her hair so perfect?!

Vir: A treasure.

G’Kar: Okay, so we get that the Narns (G’Kar) and the Centauri (Londo) are kinda in some sort of cold war post-the-Centauri-colonizing-the-Narn. Lots of political intrigue setup. Mostly, though, it’s a battle of personalities between Londo and G’Kar. Oh, yeah, and it seems like we’re not supposed to like the Narns because of Sinclair’s scene with G’Kar in  the  garden.

Londo: So where are Centauri arteries, then?