peculiareyezer

[peculiareyezer]

nuclear bomb. technically a redraw, old one under the cut

this piece is from. 2020.could you tell

[peculiareyezer]

well. i'm new here

i should probably put a warning for body horror, gore, undead shit, worm parasites, paranoia inducing bs. you've been warned

the system just had a dream about a zombie apocalypse where these weird little fleshy leech like worms wriggled into people's skin and turned them into zombie puppets. or something i'm not sure how that shit works. and i was some guy who some survivors just found dumped on the sea shore who happens to be a walking corpse inhabited by some weird, possibly genetically engineered mutated worm leech things that instead of taking over a host and infecting other people, they allow the host to still have full control over their body, and instead eat any invading parasites and infect their eggs with their own genetics to reproduce.

allegedly. i wouldn't know because i didn't, and still don't, have any memories of being a living human. i sure feel like a human, so i nearly vomited when i saw my bare torso for the first time and it was covered in the weird bloody vein thing dea bodies do and my skin was pulsing with leech things. i'm still not used to the worms. i have them in headspace. i'm getting used to the idea that they are basically like my cells and are keeping me alive because i know that if i get too rowdy with my human shell then it tears and there's not even blood, just a drained husk of undead flesh and exposed bone with no pain that tears like wet cardboard. but the worms repair it somehow, or stitch it back together i'm not sure i don't like looking.

anyways. i think i'm going to make my own blog. headmates have a "feeling" i might be a frequent fronter. i'm learning so many words today. maybe i'll link it back here i dunno. idk what i'll even post, host thought i might be interested in corpse aesthetics and stuff but. eugh. not sure if i really like that, or maybe it's right and i'll get used to that. i'm also having a new crisis over the fact that some of these guys are apparently biblical demons/angels/whatever fucking category they fall into. and we're all just chilling i guess. man what the fuck. sure why not.

angel guy says i'm not a host i think. so that's a relief i think i would lose my shit if i had to deal with that tbh. do i even want a tumblr? atlas says it can be cathartic. ok. maybe,. okay ramble over we need food. whoa i might be able to taste food okay maybe this place is awesome

[peculiareyezer]

update: covered in styrofoam

cleaning your room post adhd fueled project obsession is like... i didn't even know i lost this dangerous sharp metal object. but i found it on the floor. i'm concerned that i lost it without realizing it and i'm even MORE concerned realizing it's not the only thing missing..

[peculiareyezer]

cleaning your room post adhd fueled project obsession is like... i didn't even know i lost this dangerous sharp metal object. but i found it on the floor. i'm concerned that i lost it without realizing it and i'm even MORE concerned realizing it's not the only thing missing..

[peculiareyezer]

Quick what are you doing RIGHT now (besides scrolling Tumblr)

[peculiareyezer]

starting to think we may indeed have some sort of sleep disorder/be nocturnal. it is just. so much fucking easier to fall asleep in the day

[peculiareyezer]

tumblr the unexpected savior gave me enough energy to eat dinner and play videogame. may she deliver me to brush teeth and go to bed safely.

eat dinner, brush teeth, and go to bed are fighting each other fir most important task. but in comes scrolling on tumblr for half hour with fhe steel chair

[peculiareyezer]

eat dinner, brush teeth, and go to bed are fighting each other fir most important task. but in comes scrolling on tumblr for half hour with fhe steel chair

[peculiareyezer]

i love thrift stores (vivitar dvr 947HD i got for like $6)

[peculiareyezer]

.

okayy i reached out to everyone i still have contacts for. osrt of. i asked one person in the older friend group about how much of them are still around before messaging everyone. for some reason i'm paranoid like "oh what if someone's dead and i remind everyone they died by pnging their discord" or whatever so i can't bring ourself to do that yet. but hopefully we get a response soon. some other people reached out too so i answered them as well. fuck me man. i don't feel anything but i cried each time i messaged them telling them i'm sorry and alive and want to reconnect. i hate trauma i hate mental illness i hate whatever the fuck is wrong with me i just want to go back to when i felt normal and had emotions and opinions and thoguhts and knew what i wanted from life. and yet . i don't know . the years of isolation felt so freeing. we discovered so much of ourselves. we felt on top of the world. what if this is a mistake? what if i am chaining us down again? i don't know, but i'm going to try so so hard to unmask and be honest and take up space.

[peculiareyezer]

.

okay apparently the headache is because the system wants to reconnect with old friends. not surprising. it's just. fuck. i can't remember them. not well at least. my memories are so fucking hazy and i can't feel anything towards them. i checked the group chat and it looks like it hasn't even been active since 2024. are they even friends anymore? or did they just make a new chat without me. i ghosted them all. so badly. i was going through shit but i feel like that's not an excuse. i thought they didn't want me around for some reason, or that they would hate my guts (thanks psychosis) so i decided maybe i would try to make new friends. and instead we lived in isolation for a few years, other than the tmc fandom (which was. a horrible decision really). i feel like i might be so so different and i won't be able to mask it so i'll just have to be our true self which is terrifying but also these are people we trusted for years, that has to count for something, doesn't it??? fuck man. where do i even start with this shit. what do i say. how do i explain our perspective without dumping a truckload of trauma on people who we haven't been close to in years. fuck meeee why am i so fucking stupid. i'm messaging them i'm gonna throw up from stress fuck it we ball.

[peculiareyezer]

mental illness is like the world's shittiest self-renewing subscription service

[peculiareyezer]

[peculiareyezer]

SELF PORTRAIT.

(pt: self portrait)

IT IS DIFFICULT TO PERCEIVE MYSELF, OUR SYSTEM DOES NOT VISUALIZE OUR HEADSPACE IN DETAIL. OFTEN, WE DISCOVER DETAILS OVER TIME. WE ALREADY KNEW MY FACE GROWS WOOL THAT MIMICS HAIR, AND I HAVE NUMEROUS EYES -- BUT LAST NIGHT WE DISCOVERED I HAVE HORNS, EXTRA WOOL GROWING AT THE FRONT OF MY NECK, AND A MOUTH CONCEALED UNDER THE CHIN. IT IS SATISFYING TO HAVE A CLEARER IMAGE OF MYSELF.

(pt: it is difficult to perceive myself. our system does not visualize our headspace in detail. often, we discover details over time. we already knew my face grows wool that mimics hair, and i have numerous eyes -- but last night we discovered i have horns, extra wool growing at the front of my neck, and a mouth concealed under the chin. it is satisfying to have a clearer image of myself.)

[peculiareyezer]

had a nightmare that our sewing machine (wife) wouldn't turn off and everything i tried just made her run faster and faster until she lit on fire and filled with blood and i dumped the blood on some poor guy by accident and then i Finally managed to switch her off. and she was just fine afterwards. not sure what the moral to that one was but i think it proves whether we take melatonin or not our brain will find a way to give me weird and stressful dreams

[peculiareyezer]

[peculiareyezer]

WRONG ACCOUNT WRONG ACCOUNT