pedanticpunk

[pedanticpunk]

ultimate male fictional characters i fell in love with // a thread 10/?

10. Bill Skarsgård: Eric Draven (The Crow 2024)

[pedanticpunk]

☢️ Modern Era (Peak Ruination)

Dune (2021)

Stellan - as Baron "I will have you, on a desert planet, worship a giant meatball for 166 minutes, and you will not question it." – Skarsgård

Era: Post-Thor ("Daddy has mouths to feed and sons to raise"), Pre-Dune 2 ("...and more sons to raise"). Peak Stellan? Objectively yes.

Ruin Method: Makes Butler method-act like Bill for months just to ghost his calls. "Sorry Austin, the Baron only takes communiques via spice-induced vision."

Odette's Verdict: "LOTR is better". ---

Film: 8.7/10

Skarsgård Impact: 7.8/10 ★★★★☆ ("Stellan devours scenery like the Baron devours… everything.")

PSSP: 68% (Stable)

Harkonnen Hospitality Rating: "1/5 stars. No towels, only betrayal. Would not get murdered here again."

Succession (2021)

Alexander - as Lukas "What if I was a tech bro with a God complex, a p*ss fetish, and the worst texting habits known to man?" - Skarsgård

Era: Post-The Northman muscle, pre-Infinity Pool meltdown.

Ruin Method: I will eyef*ck you into giving me your entire family empire.

Odette's Verdict: Not enough therapy in the world. ---

Series: 9.5/10

Skarsgård Impact: 9.4/10 ★★★★☆ (Points for power moves, deducted for oversharing.)

PSSP: 19% (Catastrophic Collapse)

Would I let him buy my company? I don't think I would know what is happening before it's too late. Would I let him send me weird DMs at 3 AM? Unfortunately, yes.

Eternals (2021)

Bill - as Kro "I couldn’t help but wonder... what if the real eternal love story was a Deviant licking your face for 7,000 years and still getting ghosted?"– Skarsgård

Era: Post-It Chapter 2 (post-clowning), Pre-John Wick 4 (pre-waistcoat villainy). Dad did Marvel, why not me too? Peak Bill? Debatable.

Ruin Method: Slides into your DMs with "we’re the same, you and I" after you tweet a single sad meme. Blocks you before sunrise.

Odette's Verdict: "Bill was in it? When?" ---

Film: 6.5/10 (5.9 if you watch it during a Marvel burn-out)

Skarsgård Impact: 7.2/10 ★★★☆☆ (The man can monologue for 20 minutes of screentime and you still think it's the best thing at the cinemas that week")

PSSP: 61% (Stable)

Insert jokes about the Skarsgård thirst being eternal *here*

The Northman (2022)

Alexander - as Amleth "I couldn’t help but wonder… what if the real Viking fantasy was screaming into a fjord naked while your abs do 90% of the acting?"– aka a feral himbo with a PhD in daddy issues – Skarsgård

Era: Post-Big Little Lies (post-suburban rage), Pre-Infinity Pool (pre-rich-people rot). Peak Alex? Objectively yes.

Ruin Method: Convinces you to raid a village for "honor," then ditches you to monologue at a volcano.

Odette's Verdict: Swedish man playing the Northman, the bar is low here. ---

Film: 7.8/10

Skarsgård Impact: 9.7/10 ★★★★☆ (The man grunted his way to an Oscar snub.)

PSSP: 15% (Catastrophic Collapse)

Viking AirBNB Review: ★☆☆☆☆ - No hot tub, just blood eagles. Host left me for a ‘prophecy.’ Would raid again.

Barbarian (2022)

Bill - as Keith "I couldn’t help but wonder… what if the real horror isn’t in the basement, but in trusting a man who seems too perfect?" aka hot guy mumbles his way through offering you a glass of wine while you're rambling about your favorite film - Skarsgård

Era: Post-Clark, Pre-Boy Kills World. Was it the best Bill? No.

Ruin Method: Ghosts you after getting your Hooker/Canned heat LP. You’d still defend him.

Odette's Verdict: "Awww, he actually looks nice here for once." ---

Film: 6.2/10

Skarsgård Impact: 8/10 ★★★★☆ (He weaponized awkward eye contact.)

PSSP: 42% (Critical Condition)

Detroit Airbnb Review: ★☆☆☆☆ - The host left me one bottle of water and 37 hidden tunnels. I would not survive again.

Infinity Pool (2023)

Alexander - as James "What if I was a rich failson with a humiliation kink, and Mia Goth made sure you’d never look at me the same way again?" - Skarsgård

Era: Post-Northman brute, Succession was still a thing (perhaps James in alternate timeline?). Best Alex? No. Hottest Trainwreck? Yes.

Ruin Method: I will make you question your morals and your attraction to me.

Odette's Verdict: Why is he barking? ---

Film: 6.3

Skarsgård Impact: 9.2/10 ★★★★☆ (Points for commitment, deducted for feral degradation kink on main.)

PSSP: 11% (Catastrophic Collapse)

Resort Review: ★☆☆☆☆ - ‘All-inclusive’ meant all my dignity. James cried in my lap after I said ‘no.’ 10/10 would ruin again.

John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023)

Bill - as the Marquis "I couldn’t help but wonder... what if the real High Table power move was to not blink while ordering a man's death in a €5000 waistcoat?" - Skarsgård

Era: Post-Clark, Pre-Boy Kills World (pre-screaming). Is this Peak Bill? Oui.

Ruin Method: He ghosts you after making you book his same-day Michelin-starred revenge dinner. You’d still Venmo him for the wine.

Odette's Verdict: "He looks like he has a B2B SaaS startup that never got picked up." ---

Film: 7.1/10 (It's a JW film, what do you want from it?)

Skarsgård Impact: 8.8/10 ★★★★☆ ("The man delivers his French like it’s a threat. And it is.")

PSSP: 33% (Critical Condition)

Yelp Review: "The host promised ‘a night of elegance.’ I arrived to find 37 corpses and a non-refundable tasting menu. The Marquis called this ‘ambiance.’"

Oppenheimer (2023)

Gustaf - as Hans "I am here for the awards because I can act like Dad on the big screenz." - Skarsgård

Era: Post-Vikings typecasting purgatory, pre-???. Still suffering from success like DJ Khaled.

Ruin Method: I will make you take me seriously, whether you like it or not.

Odette's Verdict: "Awww, he looks like a divorced math teacher." ---

Film: 9.3/10

Skarsgård Impact: 8.7/10 ★★★★☆ (Points for range, deducted for lack of hair.)

PSSP: 82% (Minimal Threat)

Would Trust This Man With Nuclear Secrets? No. Would Let Him Mansplain Physics? Maybe.

Boy Kills World (2023)

Bill - as Boy "I will have you, a white woman, yell boy for 111 minutes and you will not question it" - Skarsgård

Era: Post-John Wick 4, Pre-The Crow (aka "If I have to get shredded, I'll try to do a franchise.")

Ruin method: I will have you defend the poorly executed fighting scenes.

Odette's Verdict: Why are we not watching the Raid? ---

Film: 7.2

Skarsgård Impact: 8.4/10

PSSP: 58% (Stable)

The action isn’t poorly executed - it’s authentically exhausted. You try doing 47 takes of a hallway fight sequence after three months of keto.

Dune: Part Two (2024)

Stellan - as Baron "I will have you, a desert messiah, worship my nephew’s corpse for 165 minutes, and you will not question it (aka floating through the plot like a rancid birthday balloon)." – Skarsgård

Era: Post-Dune 1 (already greased up), Pre-Mamma Mia 3 (MERYL SAY YES AND MY LIFE IS YOURS).

Ruin Method: Forces Butler to actually drink the Baron’s bathwater for "authenticity." Still won’t follow him back on Instagram.

Odette's Verdict: "I can see why Academy voters skipped this one" ---

Film: 9.1/10

Skarsgård Impact: 8.5/10 ★★★★☆ ("Stellan’s least sweaty performance.")

PSSP: 65% (Stable)

Harkonnen Yelp Review: "0/5. No brunch, just war crimes. ‘Moisture for the moisture god’ my ASS."

The Crow (2024)

Bill - as Eric "I will 10000% make this about me by saying it's not about me." aka THE BILL AWAKENING - Skarsgård

Era: Post-Boy Kills World’s mute himbo arc, pre-Nosferatu’s emo vampire era. Best Bill? No. Was he chasing his big-tiddy goth fantasy? Absolutely.

Ruin Method: Slides into your DMs with “u up?” at 3am, then shares his off-key industrial demo. You’d still set it as your alarm.

Odette's Verdict: "0/10, but post a shirtless BTS pic pls." ---

Film: 5.8/10

Skarsgård Impact: 7.3/10 ★★★☆☆ (2.6 of those stars are for the line delivery alone)

PSSP: 48% (Critical Condition)

Nosferatu (2024)

Bill - as Count Orlok "I gotta make up for that line delivery while staying on theme" - Skarsgård

Era: Post Crow, Pre Locked. There is a theme here.

Ruin Method: You respond to his "Art thou free this eve? (I hunger) text, forces you to look at his creeping shadow while he hums Wonderwall.

Odette's Verdict: "Nepotism is bad. Not the best Robert Eggers film. Fight me. Also, ew - toxic. " ---

Film: 6.9 (Odette is right, pacing was off - don't lie to yourself)

Skarsgård Impact: 9.8/10 ★★★★★ (The man hisses in iambic pentameter. Enough said.)

PSSP: 48.06% (Adjusted for inflation, you can't be ruining real estate just because).

Transylvania Airbnb Review: ★☆☆☆☆ "Host demanded I renounce daylight. ‘No mirrors’ policy strictly enforced. Would let him curse my bloodline again."

Locked (2025)

Bill - as Eddie "You will discover your new kink, your directorial signature, and the OG psycho of your dreams will pass on the torch in the most fatherly way possible, while I'm making you my baby mama." - Skarsgård

Era: Post-Nosferatu. A daring experiment of Bill flying solo in a high-stakes heist gone psychological. The best Bill for now.

Ruin Method: I’ll steal your car and your heart, all while schooling you on the real consequences of street smarts and dump you on my way to get my kid.

Odette's Verdict: Absolutely not. --- Film: 6.7/10

Skarsgård Impact: 8.9/10 ★★★★☆ (Points for survival skills, deducted for not eating before the heist.)

PSSP: 29% (Critical Condition)

Would I let him steal my car? No. Would I watch him slowly lose his mind again? Absolutely.

[pedanticpunk]

The Dark Ages (Rise of the Brothers)

True Blood (2008)

Alex - as Eric "What if the real supernatural power was making an entire generation forget they hated vampires (and sparkles) just by standing there shirtless?" - Skarsgård

Era: Post-Melancholia Pre-Tarzan. Peak Alex? Biologically.

Ruin Method: Leaves you for Sookie.

Odette's Verdict: "Oh I watched it once". ---

Show: 7.8

Skarsgård Impact: 9.9/10 ★★★★★ (Defined the 2010s bisexual awakening)

PSSP: 18% (Catastrophic Collapse)

Yelp Review: ★☆☆☆☆ "Bar served ‘Tru Blood’ cocktails. Eric Northman served emotional damage. No refunds."

Hemlock Grove (2013)

Bill - as Roman "I couldn’t help but wonder… what if the real monster wasn’t the werewolf, but a trust-fund vampire with eyeliner so sharp it could kill a man (and acting choices that do)?" - Skarsgård

Era: Post-Anna Karenina (pre-fame), Pre-It (pre-clowning). Peak Bill? No. Peak mess? Absolutely.

Ruin Method: Using your tampon like a boba straw.

Odette's Verdict: I'm owed an apology. ---

Show: 4.2/10 (6 if you are that biased)

Skarsgård Impact: 8.5/10 ★★★★☆ (He’s the only reason to watch)

PSSP: 63% 

Show made no sense. Roman’s cheekbones made less sense. Why was I turned on? Canceled too soon (or not soon enough).

The Legend of Tarzan (2016)

Alexander - as Tarzan "I couldn’t help but wonder… what if the real jungle workout was just existing in a loincloth while your little brother did crunches for two films?" – aka a man who achieved ‘accidental abs’ via Swedish genetics and a single vine swing – Skarsgård

Era: Post-True Blood (post-vampire thirst trap), Pre-Big Little Lies (pre-dad-bod villain arc). Peak Alex? Biologically.

Ruin Method: Takes you on a "date" that’s just him flexing to scare CGI monkeys. You’d still say "good with animals" to your girlies.

Odette's Verdict: "Awww, he looks like he’d forget how to use a doorknob but in a biblically hot way." ---

Film: 5.8/10 (+4 for the Skarsgård gene pool)

Skarsgård Impact: 9.5/10 ★★★★☆ (The man growled his way into a generation’s sexual awakening - no gym required.) PSSP: 22% (Critical Condition)

Jungle TripAdvisor Review: ★☆☆☆☆ - ‘Eco-resort’. No WiFi. Host communicated via chest drums and predatory smizing. Would get vine-whiplash again.

Castle Rock (2018)

Bill - as the Kid "I couldn't help but wonder... what if the real horror wasn't the supernatural, but the way this beautiful cryptid stares at you like you're the ghost in his haunted house?" - Skarsgård

Era: Post-Hemlock Grove eyeliner era, Pre-It Chapter 2 clowning. Peak Bill? Arguably.

Ruin Method: He's either Satan or sad boi. Won't clarify.

Odette's Verdict: "Awww he's like a ghost". ---

Series Rating: 7.8/10

Skarsgård Impact: 9.2/10 ★★★★☆ (Masterclass in weaponized ambiguity)

PSSP: 24%

Maine Tourism Review: ★☆☆☆☆ "Visited Castle Rock. The Kid ate my sorrows and my leftover chowder. 10/10 would suffer again."

The Devil All The Time (2020)

Bill - as Willard "I love you so much that if you die, I will ruin everything you built with me as my wife because of my love for you." aka Southern Gothic Simulator 1945 - Skarsgård

Era: Post-Castle Rock preacher trauma, pre-Naked Singularity anarchy. Was it the best Bill? Brooding Bill with an Appalachian accent, so obviously yes.

Ruin Method: I'll love you so hard, I'll believe in God.

Odette's Verdict: Giving you a full dollar as a tip? In this economy? Hell yes! ---

Film: 7.3/10

Skarsgård Impact: 7.9/10 ★★★★☆ (Pious deduction - God fears this man’s cheekbones.)

PSSP: 35% (Critical Condition)

Backyard Burial Permit: Approved. Reason: Love (see also: delusion).

Naked Singularity (2021)

Bill - as Dane "What if I make you wonder what American Psycho would be like if I starred in it for an hour and 33 minutes and now you can’t get me or Christian Bale out of your mind?" - Skarsgård

Era: Post-Devil All the Time chaos, pre-Eternals paycheck. Choosing roles with intention.

Ruin Method: I will gaslight you into thinking this was a better movie.

Odette's Verdict: He did say he loves being processed, so… maybe? ---

Film: 6.1/10

Skarsgård Impact: 7.1/10 ★★★☆☆

PSSP: 48% (Critical Condition)

LegalShield Review: ★☆☆☆☆ - His closing argument was just laughing in Latin. Billable hours: eternal

[pedanticpunk]

🌋Proto-Skarsgårdian Charm (The Stellan Epoch)

Nyphomaniac (2014)

Stellan - as Seligman "I couldn’t help but wonder: what if the real perversion isn’t the sex, but the way this man takes detailed notes while you sob about your love life?" It’s like a Swedish asexual cryptkeeper treating your emotional breakdown like a TED Talk. – Skarsgård

Era: Post-Thor 2 (after the god-butchering clarity), Pre-Mamma Mia 2 (before the ABBA-induced joy relapse). Was it his best role? No.

Ruin Method: Leaves you on read after you send him your 17-page erotic memoir draft titled "So Anyway, Here’s My Freudian Kink Map." He would still charge you for eye contact.

Odette's Verdict: "He looks like someone who would catch you having sex in public and simply let you be without doing anything. Green flag." ---

Film Rating: 7.1/10 (Points for Stellan’s "I’m clinically unfazed" expression.)

Skarsgård Impact: 9.3/10 ★★★★☆ (Oscar-worthy celibacy.) PSSP: 72% (Stable)

He would have billed you hourly for the emotional labor of pretending to care about your daddy issues while also trying to fix them at the same time.

Chernobyl (2019)

Stellan - as Boris "What if the real disaster was a Soviet bureaucrat sighing at you like you’re the third worst thing he’s seen today?"– aka a man who can out-pressured a nuclear core – Skarsgård

Era: Post-Mamma Mia! (post-ABBA), Pre-Dune (pre-spice). Peak Stellan? Yes.

Ruin Method: Doesn't reply to your "minor radiation exposure" complaint.

Odette's Verdict: "Not the reason why I learnt Russian but okay". ---

Show: 9.6/10

Skarsgård Impact: 9.9/10 ★★★★☆ (Stellan sighed his way to an Emmy.)

PSSP: 84% (Minimal Threat)

USSR Yelp Review: ★☆☆☆☆ - 3.6 stars is not great, not terrible. Boris ate my lunch, lost my Geiger counter, and universal healthcare when?

Soul of a Man (2022)

Stellan - as Bon-Bon "I would like to work through my own fears about mortality and legacy by talking about it with my son, under my other son's direction. That should distance me enough emotionally" - Skarsgård Gustaf - as his Majesty "I want to audition for Oppenheimer dad, help me out here please" - Skarsgård

Era: After "Vikings" and before "Oppenheimer"; after "Dune" and before "Dune" and "Thor."

Ruin method: You’ll come for the Skarsgård generational talent, but you’ll leave spiraling over your family's Christmas dinner.

Odette's Verdict: WhatinthenepotismisgoinghereISTHATCAT ---

Film: 8.6/10 (Could be darker, but that’s nitpicking.)

Skarsgård Impact: 9.3/10 (For both - family therapy, but make it cinema.)

PSSP: 76% (Minimal Threat)

[pedanticpunk]

SKARSGÅRD RUINATION INDEX

On a highly scientific quest to determine which Skarsgård would have the most profound impact on my life.

I present the Skarsgård Ruination Index. This ranking is based on three highly important criteria:

☠️ Which Skarsgård would ruin me artistically? 💔 Which Skarsgård would ruin me emotionally? ⚓ Which Skarsgård would ruin me physically?

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📅 SKARSGÅRD CINEMATIC UNIVERSE (SCU) TIMELINE

🌋 Proto-Skarsgårdian Charm (The Stellan Epoch - 1990-2015) "Before the brothers rose, there was only sighing" 💥 The Dark Ages (Rise of the Brothers - 2008-2020) "When cheekbones became weapons and vampires evaded taxes." ☢️ Modern Era (Peak Ruination - 2021-PRESENT) "Ruin goes cosmic, waistcoats get sharper."

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🔬 New Scientific Addendum:

Post-Skarsgård Survival Probability (PSSP):

A highly scientific and predictive metric (0–100%) estimating functional integrity after exposure.

💀 0-20% — ☠️ Catastrophic Collapse Ruin is guaranteed. You will not walk away the same. Therapy bills incoming.

😵 21-50% — 🚨 Critical Condition You might survive, but you'll carry the scars. Emotional damage: severe.

🤯 51-75% — 😬 Stable You’ll live, but you’ll question your life choices. Regret is a guarantee.

😌 76-100% — 🟢 Minimal Threat Skarsgård’s presence is harmless (rare). You are safe... for now.

Formula:

PSSP = 100% - (Ruin Intensity × Odette's Opinion) + (1 ÷ Abs Count)

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Methodology:

✔️ Era Analysis ✔️ Ruin Tactics (e.g., Ghosting, Gaslighting, Baptism by Trauma) ✔️ Odette's Survival Guide ("Awww" to "Call the Hague" in 0.5 seconds) ✔️ PSSP Calculations (Vibes-based math. Peer-reviewed by Odette.)

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OUTLIER NOTE: SOUL OF A MAN

Status: Under review. Preliminary data suggests Gustaf Skarsgård’s role may disrupt PSSP calculations via:

Artistic Ruin: +2 (theatrical gravitas).

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Through this exploration, I hope to understand the varying degrees of potential ruin each Skarsgård could bring to my life.

Author's note: This index remains a living document, updated as new Skarsgårdian threats emerge.