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update! i have decided not to take down the draft post! several reasons for this. in part i think it is kind of interesting to have a record of what the original version is like. in part i think it does a disservice to the people who have seen it and liked it as-is. in part i have a lot of feelings about archiving and ephemera and the inherent transience of things on the internet and how to preserve those moments. all that to say, no promises that i won't change my mind later, but it is here to stay for now. and one of these days i'll revise and post the "final" version, and we can both look at how it has and hasn't changed.

so. that last poem was supposed to go into my drafts and apparently ended up in my queue instead. that would be the poem i wrote last night!!! i've turned reblogs off -- if you've already reblogged it consider it an early bird reward -- and i'll probably take it down later, so that i can clean it up and post it properly later, but uh. here's an unintentional sneak peek into what a "completed" first draft looks like for me?

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so. that last poem was supposed to go into my drafts and apparently ended up in my queue instead. that would be the poem i wrote last night!!! i've turned reblogs off -- if you've already reblogged it consider it an early bird reward -- and i'll probably take it down later, so that i can clean it up and post it properly later, but uh. here's an unintentional sneak peek into what a "completed" first draft looks like for me?

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did you know from the start that we would never make it out with our hearts unbroken and our souls unsullied and our graves undisturbed?

this earth has always been thirsty for the taste of our blood and even two bodies bled dry drop by pomegranate-red drop on the tip of a thousand blades cannot quench this endless desert.

but this earth was born thirsty and it will water its fields with our blood or kill us trying.

did you know that when you first stepped foot on this parched land?

this forest has always been hungry for the marrow of our bones and even two bodies picked clean bite by teeth-gnashing bite in the maws of a thousand beasts cannot fill this bottomless maw.

but this forest was raised hungry and it will feed its children with our flesh or kill us trying.

did you know that when you first stepped foot in these starving woods?

i did. i did. i always knew that you would be my death that choosing you was choosing death

and i chose you anyway.

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And My Father's Love Was Nothing Next To God's Will by Amatullah Bourdon

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mmmmmmm i have written two new poems in like three days. this feels good!!! i'm not sure yet that they're very good but they are written and they exist when they didn't a few days ago and that is important!!

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Hey!! I noticed your gumroad link for anticipation isn't working, I wanted to know if it's not public anymore or if it's just an error!! Felt the need to read every one of ur works now that I found you, so thought I should ask <3

Hello, darling! I did intentionally take it down from gumroad. There have been a few people expressing interest in it recently, though, so I'm looking into alternate ways of hosting.

Thank you for dropping by, and for caring quite so much about what I have to say.

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put down the world, soldier mine. your body is strong, i know, but you are not granite. your shoulders were not made to bend so steep. your knees were not made to buckle so low. your bones were not made to hold so much. Atlas was a condemnation, not a guidebook on how to bear the weight of the world.

rest your wings, soldier mine. you were made to fly, i know, but not like this. the sun above is not meant to be your seduction. the ocean below is not meant to be your enemy. the jetstream is not meant to be your companion. Icarus was a warning, not a challenge to see how high you can soar.

lay down your weapons, soldier mine. you fight so well, i know, but not every battle is yours. your fists are not damned to be perpetual weapons. your scars are not damned to mark you in disgrace. your blood is not damned to spill upon a sword. Achilles was a cautionary tale, not an instruction manual on how to fight to your death.

soldier mine, you are not Atlas nor Icarus nor Achilles.

you are only you, soldier mine, and i am only yours, and we are only this here now.

- by sylvie (j.p.)

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the inevitable tragedy of the hero (stay hidden)

F. Scott Fitzgerald / Madeline Miller / @crazyw3irdo / @pencap / Christa Wolf trans. Jan van Heurck / Florence + the Machine / Regina Spektor

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–please, let him be happy (j.p.)

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—Please, let him be happy ( j.p. )

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hi love you guys do me a favor. big big big BIG breath in right now all the way all the way breathe in feel your belly expanding hold hold hold.. hold.. now everything out like ur a deflating balloon. whoosh. whooooooooosh. imagine water streaming from the top of your head down your shoulders off the ends of your fingertips and toes. u are a reed in a river a beam of pure light a steady anvil solid and heavy. ok that was all thank u

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– you love him, but you can’t keep him // @pencap​

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rncpoems / Johnson 4/20 @2009 by NEA, Inc. / pencap / iloveskies / Hafiz / Unknown /  Sunlit. Oil on linen , Gunter H. Korus / silentthevoice, louisamayanniecat / Unknown / Atticus

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- excerpt from the gentle version by sylvie @pencap 💛

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To lose her now, like this… I’ve grown up with her, she’s like a sister to me. I’d sacrifice my place on the throne for her to see another sunrise.

Sam Levenson // BBC Merlin 1.02 // BBC Merlin 1.10 // Hanya Yanagihara, A Little Life // Merlin official books, Valiant // BBC Merlin official script 1.09 // @/pencap, Please, let him be happy // BBC Merlin 5.02 // Richard Siken, War of the Foxes //  BBC Merlin 4.13 // @/beetlejuices // BBC Merlin 4.13 // Anne Sexton // @/frenchtoastlesbian // BBC Merlin 4.05 // Steven Sufjans, The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us! // BBC Merlin deleted scene 5.06 // unknown // BBC Merlin 5.02 // unknown // Ocean Vuong, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous // BBC Merlin 5.02 // Ava Dellaira, Love Letters to the Dead // Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper // BBC Merlin deleted scene 5.06 // Frank Ocean, White Ferrari // Wandavision // Fortesa Latifi // BBC Merlin 5.13 // BBC Merlin 5.13 // @/thependragons // BBC Merlin 5.13 // Langston Hughes

[pencap]

please, let him be happy ⤷[insp] {psd}

[image description: 10 gifs from 911 with a quote by tumblr user pencap.

gif 1: from season 5 episode 10, Eddie tells the team he is leaving the 118. The text reads, "Please, let him be soft. I know you made him with gunmetal bones and wolf’s teeth."

gif 2: from season 3 episode 15, Eddie leans back in a field hospital bed, bandaged. the text reads, "I know you made him to be a warrior a soldier a hero."

gif 3: from season 3 episode 8, Eddie holds back tears as Bobby speaks with him about Shannon. The text reads, "But even gunmetal can warp and even wolf’s teeth can dull and I do not want to see him break the way old and worn and overused things do. I do not want to see him go up in flames the way all heroes end up martyrs. "

gif 4: from season 3 episode 3, Eddie leans in Buck's doorway, thanking him for not giving up. The text reads, "I know that you will tell me that the world needs him.The world needs his heart and his faith and his courage and his strength and his bones and his teeth and his blood and his voice and his– The world needs anything he will give them."

gif 5: from season 4 episode 13, Buck and Eddie stare at each other just after Eddie's been shot. The text reads, "Damn the world, and damn you too."

gif 6: from season 3 episode 15, Ramon holds the silver star. The text reads, "Damn anyone that ever asked anything of him, damn anyone that ever took anything from him, damn anyone that ever prayed to his name."

gif 7: from Season 5 promo released March 15th, Eddie sobs while holding a bat. The text reads, "You know that he will give them everything until there is nothing left of him but the imprint of dust where his feet once trod."

gif 8: from season 5 episode 8, Eddie leans against the firetruck. The text reads, "You know that he will bear the world like Atlas until his shoulders collapse and his knees buckle and he is crushed by all he used to carry."

gif 9: from season 4 episode 13, Eddie reaches across the pavement, a pool of his blood beneath his head. The text reads, "Dear God, you have already made an Atlas. You have already made an Achilles and an Icarus and a Hercules. You have already made so many heroes, and you can make another again. You can have your pick of heroes."

gif 10: from season 4 episode 13, Buck looks over his arm at Eddie underneath the truck. The text reads, "So please, I beg you– he is all that I have, and you have so many heroes and the world has so many more. Let him be soft, and let him be mine." /end ID]