pending-system

[pending-system]

I’m losing time here and there. If you’re around, leave a note? I just wanna know who’s in the skull right now

-K

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I really do think I operate, as a human being, better with some of them around. I don't really feel M that often anymore, but I haven't been actively seeking him out as much. I think I feel guilty that R isn't here? R made a lot of friends(?) because he fronted(?) so much and I think those people can tell that I'm not really "me" (him).

[pending-system]

Just as I complained about R not existing, I’m having the same troubles with M (and maybe a few others? mostly M.)

I feel him sometimes, like he’s lingering at the edge of my mind, but hasn’t committed to staying. And I think it’s different versions of him?

In an “authorial” viewpoint, I think it’s my subconscious desire to get him right, like I’m “testing” these versions of him before he becomes a resident.

On the other hand, M is… not as friendly as others. In a spiritual sense, most versions of him would reject my soul bonding. Maybe they’re testing the waters and deciding against it (or are too busy.)

While P and A were active even while I was trying to cultivate R… I have no one right now. I feel… empty and unstable. Deeply emotional all the time. I am “losing time” more often (I think I am just dissociating and leaving “nobody home” at the front? I don’t find things that I didn’t do, but rather just find myself either not having moved or in my usual routine without recollection of doing so) so I think there is argument that regardless of origin or applicable diagnoses, my mental health and/or productivity is directly, positively related to having another entity- perceived or real- in my skull.

Anyway, I’m lonely. P, A, Ky, R, M? Someone come home, please.

[pending-system]

Jokes on you, past me, R is here and very loud. Likely showed up 2 months or so after this post?

It’s actually so absurd. I keep thinking there’s no way I have soulbonds, because that’s so stupid. This is a common writer’s experience, characters you like/are writing becoming a bit too sentient in your head.

And it is a common writer’s experience! Usually they’re just labeled “muses” and lumped in with regular “this makes me want to write x character” inspiration rather than recognized as an… “abnormal” state of consciousness.

Except I’ve been actually, intentionally trying to manifest a voice for a character I’m writing. I am trying to do so and it’s not working.

Writing for A, P, or K was actually kind of awkward because they would critique my approach to them and I was a bit shy about it, but I was able to “find their voice” so easily- when I was humble enough to stfu and listen their input was invaluable and I got… a lot of compliments on their characterization. But that was true for only those characters. It could be fun, if they weren’t teasing me too awfully.

But writing this new character? It’s like fucking pulling teeth- because it’s boring. It’s me staring at a blank page going would he say that? would he do this? how does he feel about this? I don’t have a little reference book on these things living in my head. It’s not me having a conversation with this character, it’s… me actually just making up stories about them.

So then I go “well obviously it’s because I just KNEW more about A/P/K, I wrote more for them and as I get more familiar with R, he will get easier to write”

EXCEPT. FUCKING. A’s voice appeared within a week of me “meeting” him, before I even started writing for him! I barely wrote for P at all! K is literally only one this kind of applies to, because I absolutely wrote for him before he actually appeared.

Like, I’m trying to get “a voice” for R, despite what must now be a hundred hours of character study, but I can’t, when I’ll randomly get one for a character who has a grand total of 40 minutes of content?

It’s not even that I was just more obsessed/focused on A/P/K than I am with R because. that is just not true LMAOOO I started a little data tracking sheet where I log who I’m thinking about/what I’m writing/planning and for A I was only actively writing for him for about a month, but his voice lingered for months after, only quieting when P became more active– and I didn’t write for P at all in this time.

But I’ve been actively writing for R for two months and still don’t have him.

[pending-system]

intro post in case anyone finds me,

hi! this is a blog to explore the potentiality I’m experiencing something that would fit under “plurality.”

I’m an author who gets autonomous voices for characters that I write, these characters will speak to me in my head. I’ve had a grand total of 6 definitive, distinct characters who persisted beyond when I was actively writing them.

I label Ky as dormant bc I can still “feel” him, that if I were to actively seek him out I think he’s still here, but I haven’t interacted with Ka or V in a long time and don’t know if they’re around.

Ka (2010 - 2014) [gone?]

V (2012 - 2013) [gone?]

Ky (2016 - 2020) [dormant]

P (2021-2024) [dormant]

A (2022-2023) [dormant]

R (2023-2024) [dormant]

M? (2024?) [???]

[pending-system]

It’s actually so absurd. I keep thinking there’s no way I have soulbonds, because that’s so stupid. This is a common writer’s experience, characters you like/are writing becoming a bit too sentient in your head.

And it is a common writer’s experience! Usually they’re just labeled “muses” and lumped in with regular “this makes me want to write x character” inspiration rather than recognized as an... “abnormal” state of consciousness.

Except I’ve been actually, intentionally trying to manifest a voice for a character I’m writing. I am trying to do so and it’s not working.

Writing for A, P, or K was actually kind of awkward because they would critique my approach to them and I was a bit shy about it, but I was able to “find their voice” so easily- when I was humble enough to stfu and listen their input was invaluable and I got... a lot of compliments on their characterization. But that was true for only those characters. It could be fun, if they weren’t teasing me too awfully.

But writing this new character? It’s like fucking pulling teeth- because it’s boring. It’s me staring at a blank page going would he say that? would he do this? how does he feel about this? I don’t have a little reference book on these things living in my head. It’s not me having a conversation with this character, it’s... me actually just making up stories about them.

So then I go “well obviously it’s because I just KNEW more about A/P/K, I wrote more for them and as I get more familiar with R, he will get easier to write”

EXCEPT. FUCKING. A’s voice appeared within a week of me “meeting” him, before I even started writing for him! I barely wrote for P at all! K is literally only one this kind of applies to, because I absolutely wrote for him before he actually appeared.

Like, I’m trying to get “a voice” for R, despite what must now be a hundred hours of character study, but I can’t, when I’ll randomly get one for a character who has a grand total of 40 minutes of content?

It’s not even that I was just more obsessed/focused on A/P/K than I am with R because. that is just not true LMAOOO I started a little data tracking sheet where I log who I’m thinking about/what I’m writing/planning and for A I was only actively writing for him for about a month, but his voice lingered for months after, only quieting when P became more active-- and I didn’t write for P at all in this time.

But I’ve been actively writing for R for two months and still don’t have him.

[pending-system]

I can’t tell… if I have a soulbond that just drops in and out randomly, or an incomplete tulpa?

If he’s entirely a tulpa, I didn’t intend to create him initially. He just sort of appeared in here and was around for about a week before disappearing. But now I miss him and try to trigger (is there a better word for this?) him returning. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But he won’t stay more than an hour or two now.

So I can’t tell if he’s a very busy soulbond or a tulpa I didn’t entirely “finish”(?) and now have to repair, or if I’m accidentally creating a tulpa based on a temporary soulbond who has left.

[pending-system]

Quoiian

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Quoiian is a term to describe alterhuman individuals who have a confusing experience with their identity and it's voluntarity/involuntarity. This could be because..

They're not sure whether it is voluntary or involuntary

Their identity was voluntary but became involuntary

Their identity is partially voluntary/involuntary

It's a very broad term and there is not one way to identify as Quoiian!

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Terminology

Quoitype

Refers to what a Quoiian may identify as.

Fictionquoi

Refers to a Quoiian who identifies as a fictional character or species.

Aniquoi

Refers to a Quoiian who identifies as an animal. May also include mythquoi and certain fictionquoi.

Mythquoi

Refers to a Quoiian who identifies as a mythical creature.

Nounquoi

Refers to a Quoiian who identifies as a object/idea

-quoi/-quoiian/-quoiic

Used to refer to one's quoitype.

For example; "My Quoitype is a fox! I'm foxquoiic!" "I'm dragonquoiian!" "I'm catquoi!"

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Not sure if there is already a term for this, but if there is, i couldn't find it, so I coined this!! :)